How do I deal with a guy who I have strong feelings for but has a girlfriend he is trying to break up with?

Well, Dr. Cherry, you've disliked my tone upthread, and you've put on an amazing display of http://www.sportsfilter.com/lockerroom/comments.cfm/1092 since, which is sometimes considered bad form, as it's a pretty heavy handed way of trying to manage opinion, but let's put all that aside for a minute, shall we? You're a young woman, and I'm an old guy. You know some medicine, and I probably know a thing or two about human motivations. Let's say I overlook the hairs on the back of my neck going up at most of your language/construction and the immediacy and constancy of your replies, and you try to pause for a deep breath before replying again. The wisest people live their lives with a certian reserve, and a healthy respect for the effects their actions will have on other people's lives. They may seem to lack passion, and some do, but others struggle to master themselves and live wisely with passion still, so as to make fewer mistakes, and to learn more from those they do. If, in fact, that is your goal, you may want to ask yourself how your actions in this situation can best support your larger goal of living wisely. On the other hand, if your goal is to live large, then live large and don't look to others. But let's say, since you're posting here, you're looking for putative wisdom, however roughly put. What then? If you stay in a parking orbit around your putative paramour, are you really doing anything positive for your own life? [Possible, if you view gathering additional information about the guy, and flirting harmlessly from freindspace as valuable.] Can your gravity and presence, even from a parking orbit, really have no effect on him, or will it induce a slight, but perceptible wobble in his axis, that will pull you too, eventually, slowly out of your chosen orbit, and towards some future cosmic collision? If your worlds do collide under such circumstances, will he or you be more or less likely to avoid similar orbits and collisions with others in the future, for having had this one? Are you egotistical enough to believe he'll never look at another woman, if your relationship with him hits a gravel patch? [No snark intended, but really...] Relationships are hard enough, without clouded beginnings. And in a professional setting, personal relationships between men and women inevitably do have consequences all out of proportion, even though it be the opening inning of the 21st century. How you handle this, given your work situation, may have effects on the opinion of others, beyond your ability to manage, whether you agree that is fair or not. And I'm not talking about the gossip that flies around all workplaces, when there is any rumor of an office romance. Colleagues measure your professionalism in many ways, not least of which is the wisdom you demonstrate in personal affairs. If you make personally important relationships with people that seem to others to be reasonable, colleagues and other people will tend to believe you are predictable and trustworthy, because what they think they know about your tastes and choices is borne out by your choices of others important in your personal life. If you make those relationships with people that seem unconventional for a person of your background, people will think your thinking is less conventional too. Nothing wrong with a doctor and a welder being together, but it makes for a strained social circle, generally, don't you see? So, you have to see this in that light, too. Is taking up with a colleague romantically, at this stage of your life and career, the wisest thing? If the relationship fails, or he changes course in 6 months, will you appear wise to those about you, or will they think your judgement a little less sober than they would otherwise? Is having another doctor as a significant other, the best balance for your own life? I'm not particularly interested in any immediate answer you might offer to any of these questions I've posed. But they are pivotal to you making an important decision about your life. The id wants what it wants, and to chose something other than that is difficult for the most self-reliant ego, particularly if doing so seems to leave the heart wanting, too. But that's another point for self-examination: how much of your question is id, and how much is heart? Good luck with all this. It's apparent you're pretty wound up about it.

Since then, I'd gotten together with him AND his girlfriend several times. We talk on the phone and text each other almost every day. This is seriously unethical behaviour. You're flirting with him and encouraging him while he is still with his girlfriend, trying to work things out, even if he says he thinks "It isn't going to work out." Trust me, I've been the girlfriend, and you're acting like an asshole. You probably will end up being the rebound girl, and it'll serve you right. but we almost have to sneak around just to talk to each other because the girlfriend is always around and very jealous. For good fucking reason. I take it back. The two of you deserve each other.

The problem here is not that you're going after a person in a relationship (being attracted to people in relationships is part of life, and you seem to be handling it pretty honorably); the problem is that he's not showing any signs of getting out of the relationship. Talking about how a marriage/relationship is "essentially over" is the oldest game in the book, and it doesn't even matter whether the guy believes his own bullshit or not. I know a woman whose life was essentially ruined by a guy like this; she kept hanging around, letting the rest of her life go to hell, while he strung her along... and when he finally did divorce the first wife, he married someone else! Then he told her that marriage was hopeless, and she was his true love, and he would definitely divorce this wrong woman and they could be together at last... I'm not saying this is what's going on, but you don't want to take the risk. Back off until he's truly single, then see what develops.

If he's playing http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Footsie with you, via texting, email, and coming over, however innocently, you're already undermining his current relationship, despite your assertions that you'd "never go after someone in a relationship." And here you are, with an AskMe question looking for suggestions about how to move forward. So I say, enjoy it, wherever it takes you, and remember these days well. That way, if it works out as you hope, when you're the one in a relationship with him, you'll know how the new girl he gets on the side really feels, and what she's trying to do to you.

Tell him he knows why- don't even bother wasting your energy trying to explain it to him. This guy knows exactly what he is doing.

Would you like to be with a man who, while being too weak to break up with you, would flirt with another woman he finds strikingly beautiful, hang out at her place for hours, shares private, intimate conversation with her, and texts and calls her daily? Because that's what this one does. If that doesn't deter you, then I agree with MsMolly that you should at least wait until he's actually broken off his current live-in relationship. At that point, judging from everything else you've written, I doubt you'd even have to make any pronouncements -- it sounds like things would soon progress the way you'd like them to. But there'd be no harm in telling him how you feel at that point, either.

I don't think relationships are like 8-ball, where you can just put your dollar on the cushion to book the next game. I think the best thing to do would be to wait for the existing game to finish.

i find the comment from paulsc kind of snide and nasty. playing footsie is not the same as having an affair. if his relationship is really nearing its end, then i would not fault him for being interested in an attractive woman he knows. most humans would act this way, this is NOT a case of "once a cheater, always a cheater". as for you dr. cherry, i agree with tristeza that an ultimatum might be appropriate. if he can't get out of a relationship that he claims is over, then he's a wus and you don't want to be with him anyway. you could just calmly state that you'd like to date him in the future, that you hope he follows through on ending the relationship regardless of you, and that you can't be friends with him at the moment, since you're attracted to him. if he's worth having, then he'll dump her and date you. if he can't do that, it wasn't meant to be.

What if I am not a distraction to his relationship? If he's made the decision to end it, what am I distracting him from? Besides, if we completely put an end to the flirting and we decrease the frequency of contact, can't we just be friends? Must I completely disappear because this girl is too desperate to leave on her own? To me, these various questions say that you're looking for someone to give you permission to go for this, on some level. Any chance that could be true, that you just really want this guy NOW, potentially ugly situation be damned? And maybe you should examine your own emotional state i.e., your breakup with fiance might be bringing in issues here. Not trying to be down on you, but just suggesting that you look at one you want THIS guy, you know? There's nothing wrong with wanting someone, but is this really what you want? So, you need to make up your mind: Do you wanna tell him your feelings while he still has a live in girlfriend or not? 'Cause t takes TWO to keep a relationship going, but only one to break it up. People have broken up and still lived in the same apartment, it IS possible, though obviously awkward. But not even that has happened. So ask yourself: Do you want to put yourself out there emotionally to a guy who is still in a relationhip? Yeah, he's said it's over, but HE HAS NOT ENDED IT, for whatever reason. Ignore whatever reason it is and just deal with the fact that he still has a relationship, do you want to go for him, despite that fact? There are no real bad guys here, YET, but if you reveal these feelings BEFORE he ends it with her, this could get ugly, really fast.