Am I wrong to ask my 13 year-old-son to give me his password before allowing him to use Facebook?

You feel bad because you are lying to yourself. You say, "I do trust him. I just don't trust the world." But isn't that the point of trust - to trust him to make decisions - to trust him to deal with the world? The world can be a scary and cruel place. Unfortunately, there are bad people out there and unfortunately, the Internet has empowered both us and them. But Internet or no Internet, bad people remain and risk will always exist. The immediate response to this is the risk is heightened now because of this pivotal transitional period. I agree but as as one person pointed out, would it be appropriate for you to listen to his calls? The question you need to be asking is how do I inform my child about these realities and impart the skills to him to protect not only himself but also others? The greater risk is to not impart these skills. These skills should be imparted early and often. And he should know that if something does not feel right - or if he hears of someone else engaging in a weird dynamic, that he can come to you penalty free. That you will work with him in a way that will safeguard him and, if he is worried about another person, his relationship with that friend. This should be your starting point. you are not guiding him by being so involved. you are directing him and by directing him, you are limiting him. why not start by sitting down and discussing the story of your cousin. Why not hear his thoughts? Why not point out to him that when bad things happen to people it is not because those people are stupid or weak but rather more likely that bad people can be incredibly manipulative. Why not sit him down and say, "I have a tremendous amount of respect for you..." and then share your goal for him: that he be a good person, that he be responsible - that he should be able to look out not only for himself but for others; and go from there. Good luck.PS - while it is a dangerous world out there and needs to be guarded against, what will happen is he will screw up like we all did at that age. Then you punish him. But, unless it is  serious problem, do not monitor him. It's part of the process. PPS - forgot to mention part of the sit down should be how he can screw himself on facebook - on how that is public and can come back to haunt him. That he should know this. That he should talk to hiss friends about this. That they all need to have each other's back.

Hello at first, My answer to your question is yes. I'm 15. To be honest, I joined facebook when I was 10. And I first saw porn when I was 10. And last when I was 13. Not that it had any negative effect on me (I was and still am what you would call a straight A student in India), there was a reason I stopped and I will explain that reason over the course of the answer. I had just entered 5th grade. My classmates were all really interested in sex and stuff. And there was this thing known as facebook. Everybody was joining it and so I did too. And I also happened to be a complete ASSHOLE then. I reveled in causing pain to others. Humiliating people was what I did best. Now let me explain why I feel the answer is yes. As I said, I joined facebook when I was 10. I bullied people online. I was very arrogant owing to the fact that I used to get All India Ranks within 100 in almost every Olympiad. It made me feel superior to every kid in the class. Bullying people was the worst mistake I ever made. Fast forwarding to a day during the summer vacations in 8th grade. I was coming back from a party around 11 in the night through a dark desolated park. I'm disabled. I use a wheelchair now. But I didn't then. I could walk like a normal person (almost). Going through the park, I heard a girl crying and a guy making animal sounds. I quietly tiptoed towards the source of the sound. I realized a rape was happening. I was in 8th grade. I got scared shitless. I just hid. I couldn't do a thing. I didn't have the courage to call the police. I sat like that silently for around 45 minutes. Hearing that girl's cries, I knew my life was never to be the same again. After the guy rather the animal was finished with her, he just left her there. I still hid. It was as if I was immobile. To this date, I don't know who the guy or the girl was. I had nightmares everyday after that. My parents don't know about the incident. But I suddenly lost appetite. I was on the verge of becoming a delinquent. But somehow I pulled myself together. I changed. For the better. After that day, I took a pledge to become a good human being. And that's what I am now. Ever since I pulled myself back together, I had been able to connect with all sorts of people. Your son. He will make mistakes once he joins facebook. But he will learn. Tell him about the dangers of facebook first. Tell him about the bad, bad people out there. But trust him to make informed decisions. And about your cousin, I am really very sorry. But I offer my sincerest help to her. You can email me at sappu002…http://gmail.com You see, I might be able to help her. Because I kinda went through what she did. So if you want to talk to me, I will be available at that id. :)

I think you've made a very wise decision. No, you shouldn't have his password. Yes, he should friend you. No, he shouldn't be allowed to friend people he doesn't know in real life. Facebook doesn't even think YOU should do that, let alone a 13-year-old. If he isn't ready for that idea, he's probably not ready for Facebook.

You have a great tool in the example of your cousin.  Use that tool instead of controlling your son's access to anything on the Internet.  Teach your son instead of shielding him and prepare him for real life.  It may be harder but the results will be so much better too.  It may involve also a risk but there is also a higher risk if you protect him this way: he may never learn to protect himself without you.

Your employer gets to read everything that's in your email account at work. There is no expectation from yur employer of respecting your privacy at work. This is the world of working adults, such as it is.You are concerned with the welfare of your child. You are also responsible and accountable for the welfare of your child. In this spirit and context, you do whatever you think you have to do to keep your child safe. You do this until your child has grown enough that you no longer consider them to be a child. Until then, your child is under your direct care.Telll your child that if it turns out that you're wrong in the way that you're handling it, you'll apologize. Better to apologize to a healthy child when the child grows up than feel terribly guilty about not protecting one's own child.

Yes, very wrong. Would you be so offended when your government wants to parenting you by looking into your emails and phone calls? Why is this different in this case? Doing that under the name of 'love' doesn't justify because you gov't can always make a similar argument.

To me it sounds like you trust him, but don't trust the quality of his upbringing and/or intellect. Point being, that there is a good reason for that 13 year age limit on facebook. It is approximately at that point that kids should have gathered the smarts and knowhow to not trust any old bogeyman. If bogeymen are not your worry, then you do in fact sound like a helicopter parent. I strongly agree with that spying on someones facebook is like going as a chaperon to their high school dance or joining in on their trip to summer camp. That you on an ad-hoc basis "don't read personal stuff" is not good enough, at least would not have been for me. I would never have (in the early nineties) used BB's/IRC/early web to learn things and meet friends if I knew someone might be watching. I am quite happy my parents gave me a lot of privacy, as much of what I learned in those circles have gotten me to where I am today. My parents regularly polled me about what "I was up to all night" and I think I usually told them more things than you will find out from spying on your kid's account. Oh and you mention online predators. They were out already in the early nineties. I think I was 12 when an older man from a programming bb wanted to fly over to my city and meet me. I realized there was something fuzzy going on and of course declined, as my parents had brought me up to do. Quite a lot more safe than if I had met an off-line predator as part of church choir singing or similar! In fact I'd say facebook is quite a lot more safe and moderated than the wild west of modem based communication back then.

Yes, I think you are wrong. I've been raised on trust basis with parents, and it went pretty well. Many of my childhood friends had parents that didn't trust them, and wanted to interfere in everything they did, but the result was bad. They just learned how to cheat and lie, and they didn't grow up to be independent adults. Even if he makes some mistakes, he might just learn from it, which is much better than keeping him in a 'walled garden'

Wow... Some very interesting answers especially from the employee at Facebook - it sounded like he has that line rehearsed. I have had a lot of friends talk to me about what they have found on their teenage childrens phones, I've actually reached the point whereby I am no longer shocked. I have young children at the moment and I am fully aware of what they may be able to see and do when they have the chance and as the time draws closer to them having social media accounts I wonder if they will abuse the trust I will be giving them. My children all have iPads - when they received them I gave the children email accounts so they could facetime family members. I set up the email addresses by buying the domains that were their full names and set up their email addresses. A copy of every email they receive goes to their mother and me so when they get Facebook etc we will know. I will not tell my children that I can read their emails - one day when I feel that I no longer have to worry I will stop copies coming to me. It's sneaky, but its an option you can use as you won't have to ask any questions and if there is ever a problem whereby you need to get into their accounts you can just reset their passwords. Hope this helps