How can I support my wife so she is able to care for our child while I'm at work?

Have you considered that your wife may have http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0004481/. Does she have any signs of it? At four months, she ought to be able to take care of him for 8 hours at a stretch, even with having had a caesarian. She ought to be able to hold him for longer periods of time at this point. I say this having a seven month old, and having had a caesarian of my own. Yes, it's hard, but it's not too hard. She may also lack self-confidence. I fully admit that if know my partner is around, I'll depend on her much more than I need to. Does she have her breastfeeding "nest" set up? Like snacks, a water bottle, drinks, etc?

50/50 household chores split is putting WAY too much on her plate. You need to step it up through a combination of getting over being a "hopeless slob"; helping her re-adjust her cleanliness levels; and getting outside help. (Unless she enjoys cleaning, which she might.)

Dude. I could have been your wife for the first year of my son's life. I was in pain from a c-section for close to 10 months. It became intermittent around 3 months, but every so often, it'd sting so much I'd curl up in a fetal position on the floor and would be unable to even pick my baby up. Couple that with post partum depression and the fact the apartment was a disaster zone and introduce guilt that feeds into the post partum depression that feeds into the guilt and oh, my, what a loop that is to be caught in! Here is what I will say. My doctor post-partum was crap. As soon as kidlet was out and I had my two week and six week appointment, they didn't do a damn thing for me. I'd call and say I was in pain, and it took THREE MONTHS for me to get an appointment at which point I was told my pain was "normal" and could last up to a year. When my son was 10 months old, I finally got in to seeing another doctor at another hospital who completely frowned upon that and put me in touch with a MIGS (Minimally Invasive Gynecological Surgery) clinic immediately. You know what I needed? Lidocaine patches. Wanna know why? To get nerves to stop misfiring. Know what was causing my pain? Misfiring nerves. How easy was it to correct? $25, a prescription, and three weeks of wearing them. And I was finally not in pain any more. So if your wife is still experiencing physical pain from her c-section, I wouldn't even go back to your previous doctor. I'd go to a new one. And please don't discount how physical pain can feed into depression and exhaustion and all of that be a twisted ring around the rosie of perspective. As for the eating, that's pretty normal, even at four months. As for everything else? Hire a post-partum doula to do some cleaning and grocery shopping or taking care of the baby so your wife can shower or nap and you can get some work done. But before any of that, I bet if you get any physical pain taken care of, a lot of other things will start to get better. MeMail me any time. Or better yet, have your wife MeMail me any time.

hire a cleaning woman to come once a week to take off strain from both you and the wife.

4 months sounds like an awfully long convalescence from a c-section...has she talked to her doctor or midwife about beginning to strengthen her abdominal muscles so her back won't have to work as hard? Taking care of a baby for 8 hours alone should be within her capability but she may need to accept a higher level of mess. Chores are hard with a little one.

Jumping back in to say, please, please talk to her again. I experienced postpartum depression and my husband was worried to bring it up. Like you he didn't want to make it seem like he was criticizing me, dredge up negative feelings, etc. The result was that I felt very, very alone struggling with feeling overwhelmed topped off with a heaping side of guilt because I knew I wasn't doing things as well as I should have been. Once it was finally discussed, it was such a relief and we could face it together. If she is feeling depressed, her thinking is clouded by that depression and she's not going to do the things she needs to care for herself. Try saying something like, "This has been such a rough transition for both of us. You are exhausted and I'm really struggling to do the work I need to do. What can I do to help you?" Point out what you've objectively noticed "You are in pain, and you are so exhausted that you're having a hard time caring for yourself and caring for the baby. That's really unlike you. I'm wondering if you might have PPD?" Gentle, nonjudgmental and simply stating facts. If she does have PPD, she needs help to get back on her feet. You are doing all you can right now, and it seems like reaching out for additional support is the only thing you haven't been able to do yet. Take good care of yourself while you keeping taking such good care of your partner and your baby.

What I did when my lambs were born was radically change the definition of "clean." If your wife is a germophobe that may be harder for her to do but if she can just care about clean and not care so much about messy then that decreases the daily burden. I would suggest (gently) that you go back to work. Even 5 hours at work will make you more productive than 10 hours at home. That way when you are home you are focused, and when you are at work she will be able to rally her resources because she knows she can rest when you get home. Routines are the answer. And good healthy fresh food, not convenience junk.

I just want to add, if your wife doesn't want to stop nursing, please don't push the formula issue. Formula is not an evil. My first child was primarily formula fed for a lot of reasons, but there are a lot of solutions here before "give the baby formula." How much is the baby really eating and how much is comfort? My daughter comfort nurses as much as she eats, and I'm happy to let her do that. Other mothers not so much, in which case, a pacifier would be a better solution than formula. It may also be worth seeing a lactation consultant to make sure the baby is in fact eating well and as he should be. Nursing a lot for reasons other than comfort can also mean there is an issue. It doesn't always mean there is an issue, but it could be worth looking into. But I really, really, really wouldn't jump to formula or rice cereal immediately. Our own very non-woo family practice strongly opposes solids before 6 months for a variety of research supported reasons.

I have a 5 month old that has been eating every 2 hours from birth on, and only sleeps/naps on me. I am happy and can deal with her even when my husband is gone for extended periods of time (weeks). What saved us was (is!) babywearing. I can do stuff around the house, go on walks, go grocery shopping, go to the laundromat, meet with my New Moms Group - baby sleeps/eats through all this in her carrier and is happy and thriving. People ask me, 'Does she ever cry?'. Without babywearing, my daughter quickly turns into a screaming, unhappy monster (and I would be stuck at home, unhappy, isolated and exhausted). Do everything possible to enable your wife to wear her little one. There seems to be something medical going on - this needs to be sorted out, with a doctor's help, ASAP. In my experience, it is simply not possible to take care of a baby if you're not able to hold/carry/wear it for extended periods of time. Most babies need to be held to be happy. And yes, this sounds like there might be some PPD going on, possibly on top of physical problems. Again, babywearing can help with that because it allows mom to get out of the house. And it's such a good feeling to be able to make your child happy. Is she in a New Moms Group? She needs someone to talk to who's in the same situation. Talking to you probably won't help; you don't 'get' her situation right now, this is completely normal for new parents!!! Also: Get a cleaning lady, eat takeout, outsource as much as possible.