I'm about to become homeless in Los Angeles. Please help me.

• I'm 24, female, college-educated, and I'm about to become homeless in Los Angeles. Please hope me. Anonymous because I'm so humiliated. I moved to the Los Angeles area in September to live with a friend. It turns out that this friend has serious mental health issues that I did not know about before moving in with him. He's threatened to kick me out pretty much every other week since I arrived for various perceived infractions, but at this point, it appears that I need to leave imminently, for his sake and for mine. It's not fair to either of us to deal with this kind of stress, and to be perfectly honest, I don't think I can handle it very much longer. It is absolutely exhausting, both mentally and emotionally, to cope with his angry outbursts. I have been leaving the house all day every day in an attempt to give him some space, but he waits for me to get home and then launches into a diatribe. The strange part is that sometimes he's incredibly solicitous and invites me to hang out in the living room or watch TV with him, as we used to do when we were friends. This unpredictability has been the worst part, probably because it is so very like my (dysfunctional) family of origin. I'm originally from the Midwest, but I have nowhere to go there, either. My mother is an alcoholic and drug addict who was homeless herself until she moved in with her enabler boyfriend this fall. Like most addicts, she seems to be surrounded by an enormous vortex of drama, which I know I'd be sucked into as soon as I moved back. I have a sister in my hometown as well, but she lives with a boyfriend and they're really living paycheck-to-paycheck themselves. My dad lives out of the country. We haven't spoken very much over the past 12 years or so, but we've been emailing a bit recently. I don't think he knows just how desperate my situation is, and I don't believe he's able to help me. My family history is full of instability, which I think is why the stress of this situation is getting to me so much. When my parents divorced, my mother began to drink heavily and use drugs, my father disappeared, we lost our house, our car, and almost everything we owned, I had zero adult supervision or guidance, and basically things were very difficult for a long time. All of this ridiculous behavior from my friend is bringing back memories of my mother at her very worst, which is unpleasant. I wasn't planning to stay in Los Angeles permanently, but the longer I stayed here, the more convinced I became that my hometown is a pretty toxic environment for me. I want to build a real adult life for myself, and I don't see that it's possible there. Furthermore, I don't have a job anywhere to live there, either, and if I'm going to be homeless, I'd rather do it in Los Angeles, where I won't freeze to death. I have made several pretty grave miscalculations which have put me in this position, and I acknowledge that I am at fault. First, I am six credits short of a BA - my mother ended up hospitalized for life-threatening complications of alcoholism during the second semester of my senior year, and the ensuing turmoil made it impossible for me to concentrate on my studies. I know this was a huge mistake. I've called the university and have a plan for finishing the degree, but obviously have more pressing concerns at this time. Second, since I did not plan to stay here in southern California permanently, I didn't start looking for work until November. Of course, nobody looks at resumes over the holidays, so things are just starting to pick up now. I've had one interview and have at least 40 other applications in, so I really feel that it's only a matter of time before something works out. So, basically, I just need somewhere to stay for a few more weeks before I find a job. I'm thinking about finding a tent and camping in the Angeles National Forest. I'm not very big or imposing, so I'm very reluctant to sleep in a park or anything like that. I do not own a car. If I knew someone with a backyard or a couch, I'd sleep there, but I don't know anyone here except for my "friend." I am allowed to stay in the house until January 31. I'm sorry this is so long, but obviously I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety about this situation. What should I do? How can I manage this crippling anxiety while I'm trying to figure things out? Right now, I can't sleep or eat (my typical response to stress, unfortunately). Any advice at all is welcomed. If you'd like to email me, I can be reached at [email protected] Thank you so much.

• Answer:

  Some outside-the-box thoughts, presented in no coherent order as I am still working on morning coffee: Depending on location, you can often buy a relatively cheap round-trip Greyhound ticket; if you time it right, you can get half a night's sleep outbound and the rest inbound, for a lot less than any lodging would cost. If you have an out-of-state ID still, you may be able to find affordable space at a hostel. (Many, especially in big cities, will not give rooms to in-state residents, for fear they'll turn into de facto homeless shelters.) Pulling up stakes at this point and relocating to an unfamiliar smaller city is a potentially bad move on a lot of levels - you won't know the area, fewer social services, et cetera - but on the other hand, the cost of living in California is insane. If you've established residency in California, a smaller city might offer more affordable costs, and possibly more job opportunities - or it could just make things worse. I have no constructive advice to offer on this point other than, think it through very carefully. This may have completely changed due to the current economy, but historically, an out-of-state visitor to Las Vegas could obtain a ton of perks and coupon books based on the idea that once lured into a casino, said tourist would be more likely to drop money... Though with the current economy, I would not make this assumption without checking first. But if it does still hold true, you might just be able to convert a smallish amount of money into that overnight-sleeping-bus-trip and a damn good buffet meal - which is not only marginally better nutrition than fast food meals, but also more self-empowering in terms of turning a negative situation into a positive one. By no means sleep in a park, or any public place, unless you feel capable and confident in your ability to awaken from a deep sleep and defend yourself by pure reflex (and there are very many Big Strong Scary people who also fail this test, so no shame there.) If you do find yourself without options - become nocturnal: spend your nights awake and alert, and sleep in the daytime. This will be marginally safer than the alternative. If you have the ability to take shelter in a vehicle, your best bet would be a commercial-style windowless cargo van that will blend in as "just another vehicle" wherever you park it; this can be done, and very safely, if and only if you are properly prepared to live out of a vehicle. Fortunately, there are a LARGE number of resources on the web by and for van-dwellers - those who do it by choice, those forced to it from necessity, and those whose situations are somewhere in the middle. If you or anyone is interested in this information, let me know and I will be happy to point you in some pertinent directions. However, do not make plans to live in a vehicle unless you are licensed to drive, and the vehicle can be kept properly registered, insured, and kept running. Living out of a derelict vehicle can and will cause you WAY more trouble than it's worth. I know nothing about this from personal experience, but I've had friends who've kept themselves off the street by taking volunteer positions that offered little to no payment, but provided room and board. I have no real idea where to find such a thing, and obviously you would have to be VERY VERY VERY careful to pre-screen such an opportunity to make sure you're not being lured into a dangerous situation - something that is hard to do when you're desperate and grasping at straws - but maybe you or someone else can take that idea somewhere useful. Unlike some other people, I WOULD NOT advise you to return home. Yes, you might find physical shelter, but the damage to your psyche - as well as to your confidence in your ability to escape a second time - could well be irreparable. You CAN find a way through this that doesn't require you to willingly return to a damaging situation - it will be a challenge, but you can do it, and the strength you will gain from having done it will be immeasurably valuable. No, really. If you are going to end up on the street, and there is no way to avert it, don't panic; it does not have to be the end of the world. There are a couple of things to remember, if you're to find your way back out: 1) People, especially employers and law enforcement, will make judgements on you and your worth based on how you look and smell, so always make sure you are clean and neatly dressed. This requires locating public bathroom facilities where you can safely and inconspicuously change clothing and do some quick sponge-bathing. Make sure you keep a couple of washcloths and a small plastic bottle for this purpose - you can fill the bottle at the sink and take it with you into the stall, then rinse the washcloths on the way out. If you have long hair, cut it - you won't be able to keep it clean, whereas short hair can be given a quick wash in a sink if you time it right. If you have a beard, shave it. And it would be a really good time to tone down any personal stylings that could be considered "counter-culture" in any way, as you will want to avoid drawing notice as much as possible. 2) Any job that stands a chance of pulling you back out of the hole will require an address and a means of contact, so before your money runs out make sure you have a P.O. box and some manner of phone service. Don't get one at the Post Office; use one of the shipping stores, they have street addresses that look more like a "normal" address. Make sure it's at a location you can get to easily. Phone service can be a cheap prepaid cell (as long as your minutes don't expire!) or, if you're carrying a laptop, Google Voice or Skype (but make sure you know in advance where you can leech wi-fi inconspicuously). Make backup arrangements for how you'll retrieve messages if your phone or laptop is lost, broken or stolen. 3) Your stuff will have to be gotten rid of, or stored; your effective possessions will be whatever you can carry with you unaided and without drawing attention, i.e. a backpack. Make sure this contains at least two changes of clothes, toiletries, and as little valuable/heavy stuff as possible, and remember that there should never be a time when some portion of that backpack is not in direct contact with your skin, or where another party can open the backpack without you being aware of it. This is in fact the best way to not get robbed in almost every situation. ;) 4) Aside from your appearance, the other factor on which you will be judged is attitude. SMILE. No matter how hard it is. Don't fall into resentment, anger, depression - yes, OMG, easier said than done! but seriously, the most dangerous factor of being homeless is NOT survival itself, it's what happens to your self-image when you start thinking of yourself as helpless, worthless, useless, and everyone else as self-righteous entitled bastards. Your top priority, above all else, has to be your own sense of self-worth. Anything and everything you can do to keep yourself motivated and maintain your self-image is going to be crucial. Make yourself make that long walk to the place that might be hiring, even if you're so discouraged by the last 25 no-responses that you can barely will your feet to move. Find that smile, even if you have to manually move the muscles of your face to get 'em into position. Sheer, brute stubbornness, if nothing else. Just one more step. And then another. And then one more. Above and beyond all else, try your best to remember this: You are at a point in your life when it seems that your entire fate hangs in the balance, and disaster is imminent, and all hope is lost, and it is absolutely terrifying. Yes. But you've seen this moment before, haven't you? Of course you have. We all have, in every movie and book ever written. This is the moment that happens just before the hero concocts some daring, foolhardy, desperate plan, and wades into battle against impossible odds, and saves the world. Life's like a movie. Write your own ending. You have that power. You have that strength. Everything's going to be okay. <3