Another 'critique my online dating profile' question...

Caveat: I'm sort of aware that British culture is more reserved See: Friday night after the pubs close. The actual difference is that British people are often uncomfortable with self-marketing, and this is one of those situations where I think of the http://www.salon.com/2006/12/20/rose_5/: "Smart, self-sufficient person seeks similar for convivial solitude. Box 359." I am old(er), British and taken, so for what it's worth: I don't think the photo needs changing, and I think London is big enough to have a decent pool of Rilke and Nabokov devotees. However, that profile is laden with daunt: I can imagine someone reading it and thinking "what's there for me?" -- not in a selfish way, but in the sense that relationships work to satisfy some kind of need. It's like a very well-constructed door without a handle or a doorbell.

I'm just going to give you an honest assessment, in a a polite way, so please take it in that spirit, ok? i found your profile to be a little.... off putting and a little... pretentious or maybe high maintenance is a better phrase. I'm not exactly sure how to put my finger on it, but i didn't get a great picture of you, just lots of cultural references. In a way perhaps that is a picture of you, but i think what has happened is that you've sent a few messages (knowing the text of those would help) and those guys have come along, and thought wow, she sounds very smart and interesting.... and she wants alone time.... and who's rilke? and nabokov? and so they think you are over complex and wander on the the next profile. I know i am underselling my gender a little, but in the 28-35 set worldwide those that can quote the poet and novelist you've namedropped would number in the low low single digits percent. I think if you went back over this and added two paragraphs at the beginning, outlining more who you are and what you are looking for in more direct language, and perhaps more candidly discussed what exactly about rilke's letters attracts you, in your own words, you might have better success. for what it's worth, i would have responded to a note from you... so perhaps the notes themselves and your approach in them are key still. all the best luck, i hope you find someone amazing! >>>> and basically tooloudinhere has said much more succinctly what i was driving at.

You might have better luck on http://www.okcupid.com as I think it could possibly be more your style.

You look lovely and I'd want to be your friend if I still lived in London, but it does come across really serious and very intelligent, and I think British men would be intimidated to be honest. It looks like you have your whole life sorted out and will only slot in a man if you think he fits in with your philosophy. I did Soulmates a while ago and met some nice chaps, nothing came of them but I wasn't on for long and it was ages ago. I remember that making contact with them didn't really work too well, I had to let them come to me a bit. I would suggest a) change the rather scary quotation at the top - that is quite intimidating and scary (sorry!) b) make the profile more inclusive - I've recently got into rambling and would love to share my new found love of the English countryside with someone special, even if we end up messing around with head torches; I'm as happy in my own company as I am with crowds of people and love having a balance of both in my life, that kind of thing c) I like the photo - keep that Good luck and sorry if this comes across at all negative - you seem absolutely lovely and you will find that chap out there plus meet some really nice people. Good luck!

Huh. I (guy, 30, london) would totally respond to a note from you, as would most of the nice single boys I know. Off the top of my head: - slightly more emphasis on fun stuff, lighten in up a bit - less serious picture - absolutely agree with whoever above said that the disconnect between "chucklycheese" and the tone of the profile itself might be causing you problems - Guardian Soulmates, despite being a paid site and having what you'd assume would be a default userbase of nice people, seems to have been a deathpit for everyone I know who's tried it, male or female. People seem to have had more luck on OKC. Good luck!

Your profile is so well-thought out that it reads as high maintenance. Bear in mind, as another U.S. female I am not your target audience, but I would shorten the "About Me" to the essentials, and tone down the requirements in "Who I'm Looking For." You can cover that stuff on the first date. Basically make it easy for them to read and identify with. I would also broaden the age range; it looks a little picky. Otherwise you're clearly a catch, and the picture is fine. Good luck!

I disagree with chasies. Plenty of people know Rilke and Nabokov, much more than low low digits. I get the feeling from your profile that you wouldn't bother dating anyone who wouldn't know those names even in passing (not a bad thing -- those names are a must for me and many others!), so maybe that's a good litmus. As for mentioning outdoorsy stuff, bars, restaurants, that would work well. If you mention activities you like, it makes it easier for others to picture what it might be like to hang out with you. Heck, I'd hang out with you. But I am a girl. So. Edit to add: I agree with losing the quote.

Thanks everyone! Appreciate you all taking the time to read my profile and give your thoughts. I suspected my profile was a little misleadingly heavy, but not quite as scary or intense as some of you have interpreted it! I’m genuinely into all that stuff and yes I like to do ‘serious’ thinking and talking (albeit in a playful way), so felt it was a good reflection of me. Actually, however, I’m pretty good fun and clearly that doesn’t come through. I think I overemphasised the alone time because it’s something I’ve begun to relish in the last couple of years, now I’ve semi-retired from my wild partying days and less often spend all weekend in bed recovering from the night before. It seems some rebalancing is in order to give a fuller impression of my interests and personality. As it happens, I’m not British nor American but from New Zealand. We’re worse than the English at selling ourselves and less skilled at humorous self-deprecation. Basically, I found writing the whole thing pretty horrendous and was grateful just to get something up that felt semi-ok. I’ll give it another crack, taking on board some of your feedback. Less serious, no terrifying/obscure quote (I really like that quote but maybe this is not the place!), new username (I didn’t put too much thought into that bit). Especially now this page is google-able (yikes). Funny that the photo looks corporate. It’s self shot on my iPhone from inside my flat and I’m wearing a t-shirt. I chose it because my eyes are open and it looks like my face. The seriousness perceived by some of you may partly be due to your American perspective. We don’t toothy-smile as much over here (lack of dental care?). I tend to run away from cameras and pull an awkward grimace if caught so don’t have too many recent photos to choose from. Will do another trawl through Facebook or rope in a friend to take one for me. (Pharm, thanks for looking through the other photos. Erm, I really don’t think they’re that bad!) Might give OkCupid a shot. I didn’t think it was popular in London and it’s interesting to hear that’s not necessarily so. For now one site is enough for me. This online dating thing takes time and effort and I don’t want to exhaust myself! Especially when there's reading and rambling to do.

Reading your profile, what jumped out at me is that you sound a little defensive. It comes across like "yes, I'm on this dating site - but I'm not desperate or anything because I have loads of friends and love spending lots of time alone." For the same reason, I would probably delete these two sentences: "I'm here to increase my exposure to datable people. When I go out I tend to become engrossed in conversation with people I already know."