The recovering addict and the… sports addict? What is this?

You couldn't tell your boyfriend that you had cancer for two weeks because hew as too busy watching sports? And then he's frustrated because you can't have sex because you have cancer? And he ignores you all day until he wants sex? Sure, go to therapy. Maybe a therapist can help the two of you communicate better, or help each of you see what is actually going on here. In the meantime, focus on getting yourself healthy, sober, and in a position to move on.

Guess what you don't want to hear but need to! DTMFA! You are dating a terrible person. No, not dating, because this isn't a relationship anymore; he's your landlord. Or something. Even roommates have casual conversations. You're ten years younger than him, he makes 6 figures and only seems to show interest in you sexually. Does that paint a picture different than your personal narrative? We don't even have to touch his fucking ridiculous relationship with sports. This is horrible, I'm very sorry, because you're going through a whole lot of Shit that no one needs to (and back-to-back to boot) and it's going to make it even harder to get outta dodge. But not only do you deserve to be loved by those you shower affection on, right now you NEED it, and the support that comes with it, to get through your issues both medical and psychological. I'm not the guy to tell you where to find this support- but there are many threads on here that can. Couples therapy is currently your bright light at the end of the tunnel, and it shouldn't be, because it isn't going to solve the problem of His Being an Asshole. Finding people who enjoy you in their lives and can help you blaze a path through the Shit should be your priority.

If this is the same guy that didn't want to move to give you something less than an hour and a half commute during law school, the sports is really a red herring. He seems to want to use you only for his convenience and, not create a mutual and supportive relationship. Sexy goodtimes? Thumbs up! Anything else? Eyerolling and sighs! Heaven forbid you actually try to communicate. Maybe, and this is hugely unlikely considering his age and past history, but just maybe therapy will light a fire under him and he'll truly change into the kind of supportive man that a healthy relationship needs. Doubt it, but it's a possibility. More likely, if he gets the idea that you're reevaluating his position in your life, he might talk change and do some quick band-aid things to keep you around, and then let things slide back to the status quo. But none of that matters so much right now. You've got even bigger stuff to deal: your health and recovery. I understand if you can't move out right now, but I think you need to detach yourself from him in your mind. Focus on yourself, and getting better, and work towards a plan to get you in a more supportive living environment (or even one that's just not anti-supportive). Don't sit around all day waiting for him to come home and ignore you. Work to find the support you need elsewhere. Rely on friends, online support groups, help through your school and community, whatever and wherever. Just don't sit around moping and waiting him to not give you anything you need except a tiny scrap of attention. He can provide a roof over your head and food on your table but don't expect or rely on him for anything else (and even the roof and food you should be looking to find elsewhere as soon as is reasonably possible).

Maybe he's burned out; maybe his burnout point is a little lower than where it needs to be if he's dating someone who's going through what you're going through. He needs to be able to examine his own motivations and understand what's going on with himself and how he relates to you. Being burned out and asking for room to do what he needs to do is fine. Treating you as contemptuously as he's treating you is not. That's something he needs to work on. You keep referring to him as a partner, but he is not. The energy expended in making a relationship work is not put towards trying to make sure each individual is mentally well - it's put towards the actual relationship, with a consideration towards both partners. You are doing all the lifting here. It broke my heart to see you ask about ways to spend time together as couples, because if he wanted to, he would. He doesn't want to. Finding some new interesting activity to occupy your nights with is not going to fix anything, and in fact will probably make him act with irritation. Between the fact that he only comes to you when he wants sex, the fact that he hates it when you do something other than exactly what he wants, the fact that he claims to miss you despite ignoring you all the time, and the contempt with which he's treating you (eye-rolling, making a big production out of pausing a thing, etc.), I really don't know what to say. It'd be too easy for me to say you're dating an asshole, even though I happen to believe you're dating an asshole, but a sympathetic view compels me to say that some people just burn out and don't understand why. His habits and routine have carved a huge, deep notch into his life and he resents any attempt to change it. He's dismissive and disrespectful of you, and honestly, I don't think it's a great idea to live in this environment - always waiting on another pellet of attention and being heartbroken when you don't get it - while in recovery. It's volatile, and volatile is not what you need. You need to have relatively sure footing right now. You are being too understanding. He doesn't have his teams. What he has is a relationship he's completely checked out on, with a person he lives with so he can't get away from them, and a method of withdrawing from that person. The sports are incidental. From what you're saying - and I only have what you're saying here - this relationship sounds kind of broken. If you want to effect any change, your best bet is to tell him all of this in plain language and ask him what's going on inside him; ask if there's some happy medium here, where maybe he can stand to miss a sports game once in a while, where maybe spending a little time reconnecting and bonding with his partner, a person he claims to love who's in a fragile place right now, could maybe take precedence over watching a bunch of overpaid assheads throw a ball around (maybe don't use that exact phrasing). If he acts like the very idea is an imposition - if he acts like even talking about this is a huge eyeroll-worthy problem - then I don't know. Go to therapy together, but he could certainly stand to attend therapy on his own, as well. I do think it's a good sign that he's willing to go to therapy with you, but if he's not willing to act on whatever ideas are presented there, then I don't know what to tell you other than that you should probably begin the process of moving on.

First off, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and hope you have a swift and easy recovery. Second, your bf is escaping. Classic escapism that has ramped up because of all the unthinkably stressful things you have been going through. You, his live-in girlfriend. It's impossible for him to not be affected by all the stress. Though it'd be well and great if he stepped up to the plate and was super boyfriend in the face of this, he's human and that's not happening. My advice is to give him a break. Reduce his stress-load, it in turn will reduce yours. Reframe your bitterness towards him by accepting that he perhaps is paralyzed in his inability to care for you or ease your pain. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Own your part in it; you NEED to communicate what is going on with your health. You cannot keep cancer a secret from your live-in boyfriend. This is setting him up for guilt and failure and more stress and withdrawal. Work on getting yourself healthy. Be affectionate towards him, cuddle or just sit with him while he watches a game, get him tickets to something and go with him. Show love. The track you're on now is only causing you and him more stress, he withdraws more, and in turn you become more resentful and less able to focus on your health.

You were violently raped and your partner rolls his eyes, sighs and ignores you when you have a quick question? That makes me so super sad for you. I was in an unhealthy marriage and I truly thought that it was how all relationships worked -- your partner ignores you and silently loathes you because you're not as good as he is, you are married to a person and you don't actually like him, etc, etc. Then my husband left me for another woman and I moved out and holy shit, it was like landing on Mars. A Mars made of awesomeness. I felt alive and supported and incredibly, ridiculously happy. I promise you that if you leave him (and don't look back!) you will feel like a new person with value and merit.

Are you bored? Do you have any hobbies? If you're waiting for him to come home all day, every day (like a dog? ouch), that's not good but it's also not something he can manage for you. You might not have the energy yet to go out and do things in public, but you might want to find some things you can do with yourself at home- TV shows you like, books to read, stuff to cook or build or make. This could take some of the the pressure off your partner.

I am amazed that people are excusing this as escapism, or a coping mechanism, or whatever. This is terrible. I won't say DTFMA, but he's a MFA. People like to excuse husbands of pregnant women for their asshole behavior too, and this kind of sheds some light on it-- treating the woman in your life with this level of disrespect is never okay. At least, it does not indicate a healthy relationship. I've seen how cancer affects loved ones. My uncle currently has cancer, and the people close to him are dealing with it in their individual ways. Some are depressed, some have to check out some of the time. NONE of them are treating him like it's inconvenient when he wants to talk to them. Of all the possible reactions in the world, that would be the most inexcusable one. It might be a way of dealing, but it is literally the most selfish, lizard brain way of dealing ever, and the fact that he hasn't put two and two together about his behavior as a decent human being means he's probably not decent and never will be. I'm tired of excusing guys for being 100% emotionally unavailable when I'm going through something life-changing, and then expecting my feminine support when they have their own issues, so there's my baggage. Dialing it back, even if he is not a huge jerk, he is a man unable to emotionally support you whatsoever while you're dealing with cancer recovery and addiction recovery. Is this really a person you want to be with for the rest of your life? I think it's easy sometimes as a straight woman to feel like a guy "just wants sex" if he's stressed out and then seems suddenly sexually interested, but this is above and beyond. He's upset because you can't have sex because you're being treated for cervical cancer?! It sounds like you know in the back of your mind that you should move on, but can't deal with the financial consequences right now. That's okay. I would keep trying to get healthy and wait until you're in a good place to make any big decisions-- but no, he is not behaving normally, and he is treating you quite badly.

If I say, “Can I ask you something?” I get a huge eye roll or exaggerated sigh as he pauses sports radio or he pauses the TV. Do not say, Can I ask you something? Just start talking. When you preface it with "can I ask you something?" it sounds heavy. Do the opposite of what you're doing now. Watch The Wire with him. Make some popcorn and sit with him. Do stuff you enjoy. Ask him to hang out with you. You are going through a lot. I would imagine it would be difficult to remain super positive. You are going to have ups and downs. You have a lot on your plate but if you want to stay with him you have to stop blaming him and take some responsibility for your happiness. I have had a history of being depressed. I've been moody. You can bully and manipulate people with your moods. My husband retreated to video games and the internet. My husband is also a huge sports fan. He is constantly watching ESPN, NESN, consumes sports news on any media device that is available. So many times I shot him down (http://www.gottman.com/qz2/bidsforconnection.html) and was in a funk, or wallowing in my own self-pity, and he just sort of gave up trying to engage me. You might need to start engaging him and showing him you have a life and you are pursuing activities you enjoy. It's difficult. He's human and coping the best way he knows how. You're going through a lot. Nobody is perfect. Forgive him, forgive yourself and try to create a better balance in this relationship by being open and loving as possible.