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Do I "owe" him a ride home if he pays for the date?

  • Do I "owe" him a ride home if he pays for the date? Lately, I seem to end up going on dates with guys who don't have cars and I'm finding this extremely irritating. I would like to be open minded, but it's becoming more and more difficult to be the only driver in dating situations. I'm in a woman my early 30s and have been dating men within 5 years of my age who have well paying jobs. The age thing isn't a rule, but it just seems to happen that way. I use OKC and have been on countless dates and these days it seems to be a rarity for a guy to actually have a car. I live in Chicago, near the center of the city. The guys I have been dating mostly live in Chicago, but not necessarily near downtown. How can I avoid driving these guys around? Usually, we meet up for a date at a location near me. After the date, they invariably walk me to my car, but then give off the impression they want me to drive them home. Of course, I do the polite thing and offer them a ride home and from then on, I am the driver and after subsequent dates, they expect a ride home or to be picked up before dates. I don't particularly like driving. It makes me anxious to drive someplace new and I have to fight against that anxiety every time. I have learned to deal with this anxiety, so I can lead a normal life, but it still gets to me and I would rather not be in charge of driving a grown man home. It makes me feel like I'm his mother and I am shuttling him off to soccer practice. I'm a bit conservative when it comes to dating and during the first few dates, I highly prefer a guy who acts like a gentleman and treats me like I am special. These guys usually pay for the date, so I end up feeling obligated to return the favor by driving them home. Also, I don't understand why these guys don't have cars. It makes me feel like they are immature and aren't living an adult lifestyle. Is this true? I'm thinking of adding a car to one of the six things I couldn't live without in my OKC profile. Would something along the life of this work to weed out the carless guys: A car: While I don't like driving, I prefer it to being a sardine on public transportation. Lastly, if you are a guy who doesn't have a car, do you expect the woman to shuttle you home after a date if you paid for the date? What is your reason for not having a car? Would you consider getting a car in the future? If you had kids, would you attach a cart to the back of the bike to shuttle the family everywhere?

  • Answer:

    I'm confused as to why these guys need rides home. Presumably they otherwise get by in their lives without cars. If they can get themselves to downtown Chicago for a dentist appointment or a museum outing or whatever people do downtown in Chicago, they can get themselves there for a date with you. If there is an obvious reason this isn't feasible, like the buses stop running after 11, maybe try to schedule dates in locations that are convenient for both parties. Either you meet in a central location they can get to easily for a nighttime date, or you meet on their turf and the ride home is a mere formality (e.g. home is just a few blocks away and you give them a ride because you're a nice person, not because you run a free taxi service). Or do what I did and stop going on internet dates with people who can't physically get to you. This is the main reason I won't go out with people who live in NJ or Long Island -- I'm not building my life around the PATH train schedule, sorry.

parakeetdog at Ask.Metafilter.Com Visit the source

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Also, I don't understand why these guys don't have cars. It makes me feel like they are immature and aren't living an adult lifestyle. Is this true? I live in Chicago, near the center of the city. The guys I have been dating mostly live in Chicago, but not necessarily near downtown. Granted, I'm 25 with friends generally between my age or in their early 30s (your age), and almost none of us have cars or use them frequently if we do; if they do it's because their life (job, children) requires one. It's often seen as an unneccessary luxury, bougie, wasteful Trixie kind of thing, to be honest. We have one of the best public transportation systems in the world and are incredibly bike friendly, and having a car here is really expensive. Why don't you take public transportation to your dates if you hate driving so much?

Juliet Banana

Also, I don't understand why these guys don't have cars. It makes me feel like they are immature and aren't living an adult lifestyle. Is this true? No, this is kind of a bizarre generalization.

elizardbits

Also, I don't understand why these guys don't have cars. It makes me feel like they are immature and aren't living an adult lifestyle. Is this true? Not in a major city with a mostly good public transit system, bike-ability, and frequently cost-prohibitive parking options. But if you're not ok with it, you're not ok with it. And that's ok. You can offer to drive them to the nearest train station as a compromise.

phunniemee

You can avoid driving them around by meeting in places that are either near them, to which you drive and they walk, or by meeting in places accessible by public transportation, so that neither of you has a car.

elizardbits

Do they ever explicitly ask for a ride, or do you feel awkward and offer? Me, I would let them walk me to my car, say goodnight, get in and drive away. You aren't obligated to do anything just because a man paid for dinner (sexual, automotive, or otherwise). Many would call me overly cautious, but I wouldn't be comfortable driving a virtual stranger to a location that's unfamiliar to me.

telegraph

It sounds like that guy was being rude, and you shouldn't go out with him again.

Sara C.

Perhaps they're not so much mooching rides as prolonging the date - maybe hoping you'll come up to their apartment?

kickingtheground

Another perspective on this: Presumably you are dating so that you can get into a relationship. With someone you love. And share your life with. And have warm feelings about. This unnecessarily adversarial attitude (Why don't you have a car? Are you immature? Why do you expect these things of me?) is a bit of a red flag. Why not just be straightforward and set your boundaries, without all of the assumptions and character assassination?

3491again

Also, I don't understand why these guys don't have cars. Cars are really expensive. I live somewhere I don't need one, and I, literally, could not afford to live somewhere where I would need one. From what I know of Chicago, you can live without a car, and that's a whole lot of money saved. Fiscal responsibility is a sign of maturity as well, and if a dude is living a life where a car isn't absolutely necessary, why should he have to shell out for a car, gas, insurance, repairs, cleanings, and all the myriad little expenses that come with car ownership? A guy who has a car but suffers to pay for it is a considerably redder flag than a guy whose life is not inconvenienced by not having one. But, like everyone else says, "no car, no date" isn't the equivalent of "I don't date bald dudes." Your life is, clearly, not compatible with the life of a guy who does not own a vehicle. That's okay.

griphus

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