Where are all the good guys?

I think it's important to realize that no one will ever love you like you need to love YOURSELF. If you (we) don't figure out how to treat ourselves with love and compassion, and a real CARE for our own happiness, how the hell will we ever find someone who treats us with the care and compassion we need? Treat yourself at LEAST as well as you'd treat your best friend. You'd be pissed (I hope) if your best friend was twisting in the breeze for some jerk. Be your own best friend here in this situation and always. These people who are users and abusers see sweet, forgiving, overly understanding people with visibly low self-esteem as easy targets. I can get away with treating you like shit, and you'll deal with it. In fact, you'll come back for more. You might as well hang a sign on your forehead that says "kick me, I like it". They are getting their fucking jollies from making you miserable, because they can. Nice guys worth a damn don't do that. You think that THEY are the poor, wounded birds who need extra care and understanding? BULLSHIT. YOU need extra care and understanding, from YOURSELF. No one else can make you snap out of this self-destruction. YOU have to come to the realization that you are worth all the time and attention and care in the world, from YOURSELF first. What are any of these men doing for you that you couldn't do for yourself? How much is your dignity worth? Isn't being alone a thousand times better than feeling disappointed at every turn? Isn't being alone a thousand times better than feeling disregarded? It's hard to break these self-destructive patterns, but hard is not impossible. You just have to hit your limit of shit you will tolerate. I highly recommend you decide once and for all that "bad boys" are nothing but BOYS. Selfish, immature, user BOYS. Let it go, Anon. Let yourself off the hook of feeling like you somehow deserve it. You don't. Those times in the past when you tolerated such nonsense and lack of proper care were in the past. A shitty chapter, but one you learned from. Close this chapter out. We'll call this Chapter "The Era of Shitty Boyfriends." It's closed. In the future, the next chapter will be something along the lines of "The Era of Anonymous Caring about Herself Finally and setting her expectations much higher". Ha, I could write a novel about this, but I won't. You can do it, I have faith in you.

And I'm just so desperate to be with someone that when the guys I do find attractive (these "bad boys") show a tiny bit of interest I act crazy, I will do anything for them, and I guess that's also a big turn off (which is why I think they lose interest in me but continue on sleeping with me). Oh lordy, do I know all about this. Be sure and send your dad a nice Father's Day card because this is his gift to you. Everyone wants to be loved. Some of us grew up in situations where we were taught that the love we wanted to receive was conditional. Childhood should be the time where you can count on unconditional love - not getting that turns every future relationship into a transaction. We think if we just do the right thing, we will receive that love we crave. It's conditioning, and it invades our psyches and poisons our feelings of self worth. You should be very proud of yourself that you've recognized what's going on. So many people spend their entire lives without realizing how sick their need for love has made them. I whole-heartedly join the chorus that's recommending therapy. I also highly recommend that you stay single until you can get a handle on this. As it is, you're setting yourself up to be abused again and again, and this abuse will damage you in ways you can't even imagine. Stop now, get help, and learn to provide the love you need to yourself before you look for it in someone else. Big hugs to you.

Also read about Harry Harlow's primate experiments. I think that that and the book Facing Codependence were the two most useful things in getting me out of the cycle of craving approval from shitheads. My mum, for many reasons including some that were beyond her control (chronic illness), ran hot and cold like whoa. This fucked my little child mind up just like Harry Harlow's little monkeys that sometimes got milk and snuggles and sometimes electric shocks. It is not difficult to find partners of any gender who will replicate that feeling of emotional whiplash when you grow up.

I'm not a therapist, but it seems to me like you have unacknowledged feelings of self-hatred that you are trying to externalize by dating men whose criticisms and negative opinions of you mirror your own internal monologue, and thus your escalating attempts to "win their approval" are really an attempt to silence your own inner critic.

Here's something I realized recently. I am generally attracted to a different type of http://ask.metafilter.com/195119/Dealing-with-fire-and-ice-in-affairs-of-the-heart#2808729 -- not the "douchebag" or "alpha jerk" variety, but the "insane" or "brooding" type. What Bad Ponies have in common is that, either intentionally or subconsciously, they convince the woman that they do not need her. Because of poor installation and bad wiring of the psyche in our earlier years -- I suffer from it, and I suppose you do too -- we confuse a man's indifference and cruelty for strength and independence. This is what our traitorous inner selves find so attractive. (Many men have this complex, too, of course.) Naturally, I am just pulling this out of my head, but I have had a hell of a lot of problems of this kind in my head, so you can take it for what it is worth. Look at a prospective guy and ask yourself: What is strong about this man?

A few things: I guess he decided I was awesome to sleep with, but he has no interest in my personality. When this happens, and you don't wish to do the casual thing, you dump him immediately. You're still in a relationship with him? DTMFA. I crave his approval/need for me. No, you don't. The chemicals in your brain tell you that you do, but you tell those chemicals to fuck off. You DTMFA and those chemicals will die down and you will feel better. I have a career and make a lot more money than most people my age (so I tend to pay for their food/alcohol when I am with them) Don't do this. No matter how much you want to. Find SOs and friend who can pay for their own shit. You are not their mother. The problem is that I'll go on dates with more well adjusted guys and they don't interest me at all. They're kind of boring and I'm not attracted to them. They probably are really massively boring and it has nothing to do with them being well adjusted. It's just many, many people are boring. And the fucked up ones appear to be the least boring because it's the most obvious thing about them. But, the thing is, they're boring as crap too. They have no prospects, they're not going anywhere in their lives. That's boring as well. So obviously I'm aware that this is a problem and that I need to stop letting these men take advantage of me and abuse me emotionally (because sometimes I feel like that's what they're doing). Well, start by DTMFA. So why am I finding it so hard to stop? Because it's easier to have other people make our decisions for us. Making our own decisions puts a lot of responsibility on ourselves. That's scary. And it's not an age thing. I know lots of people in their 40s-50s who routinely abdicate their personal responsibility. Why - because it's easy. But is it making them (and you) happy - no, quite the opposite. You have to go after what you want and stop letting life happen to you - you only get one go at this. Why am I only attracted to these men who are complete failures? I'm female and in my early 20s, and these guys all tend to be older than me. Maybe because you're scared that if you went after someone you really wanted, someone who deserved you, that you'd fuck up. You wouldn't have your shit as together as you much as you think you do. By having complete failures in your life, they are the ones fucking up, not you. But you're going to fuck up in life. You're going to suck at relationships. The only way you can change that is by you learning from it and growing. And allowing yourself to be happy. And only you can really do that.

1. Therapy. 2. Lots of work, applying what you learn about yourself in therapy. 3. A resolution to never go on a second date again (nor bed down with) anyone who MIGHT be in your bad-boy type. 4. Explore BDSM with a trusted, NON-bad-boy lover (or even just your fantasies). I've found roleplay can exploit some of the sexual/romantic triggers in me that emotionally abusive women tend to also trigger. But when it's with a trustworthy, thoughtful partner... it's safe.

Very young guys with their acts together can be very boring. Success is about prudent risk-taking and when you're in your early 20s your life story is going to be very heavy on the prudence and light on the risk. Try dating a 30-year old surgeon or investment banker. They'll be a lot more interesting than the 24 year old versions, and if there's a part of you that sees being smothered by affectionate attention as off-puttingly beta-maleish, well they work 80 hour weeks and so won't be able to do that.

There is absolutely no guarantee that once you have a full understanding of the dynamics and get all your "why" questions answered you will stop this destructive behavior. It will stop when you stop doing it and behave in your own enlightened self interest. It is usually only by behaving responsibly that your confidence in managing things in your own self interest will develop. it would seem that therapy is indicated--not to better understand why you do these things, but to teach, lead and support you in stopping and developing alternative strategies. Really, you need to stop this, step away, thrash around in anxiety and self doubt while stopping and get support for moving in more adaptive ways. Absolutely the first and initial step is to stop this--if you want to analyze this do it after you have already moved in a different direction. I wish you the best because if you keep this up you are going to be one unhappy person. In case I have overlooked mentioning it--stop. Then work on understanding. People do not stop drinking because they understand why they drink--understanding may help support sobriety but it does not lead to it.