Where’s the balance between changing myself and accepting myself?

You're socially isolated, of course you're sad. It's probably not just PMS; why wouldn't being sad be a totally understandable and expected consequence of being challenged in a new place with no close social support? Give it a little more time, keep looking for your type of person. Think hard about where they likely are and don't waste your time in clubs and bars if they're not there. It's fine to ignore all that if you get nothing out of it. You might be a bit more mature and focused than most freshman and that will be an advantage in the long run as long as you manage it now. Do whatever you have to do stay distracted (gym, projects you're really interested in) when you're stuck in a sad mood. Keep writing and coding, but also consider that one of the equally valuable things you can learn in college is how to deal with a bunch of different people. You don't need to make friends with most of them, and it's fine to write off people and scenes you've determined from experience that you're not compatible with. But your definition of friend potential needs to include more than a common major and high academic drive. Think harder about what made your high school friendships work and try to expand your notion of friendship a little - you'll still probably make close friends with people like you, but it's good practice for life to look for friends everywhere.

I think that you're lonely, but also am concerned that you are depressed. I strongly second the advice to talk to the counseling service. Did you move from a sunnier place to a less sunny place for college? Could you be perhaps suffering effects of seasonal affective disorder (SAD) in addition to the usual freshman year loneliness/isolation? Of course, feeling lonely and a bit out of place when you start college is normal. It really does take time to find your people and the things to do that you will enjoy. There is no reason to feel self conscious about eating alone in the dining hall. You've been there a few months, why would anyone expect you to have a built in crew of buddies at every meal? What's more, in situations like that, although you are hyperacutely aware of being alone, it's likely that everyone else in that dining hall is wrapped up in their own struggles (bad hair day, hangover, getting dumped, bad grade, whatever) and isn't paying you any attention in the least. It's college, not grade school, and sitting around pointing at people and going "ooh, look, Susie's got no frieeennndss!" would be beyond immature. I get the impression from your post that you think that you are highly unusual because you don't want to go party, drink, and hook up, and that you ought to be pushing yourself to do these things. Society does impress upon us that we're supposed to spend college partying the days away and having wanton hookups, but there are plenty of people who don't do that, and they probably have a more meaningful and worthwhile college experience (after all, it's costing like $50K a year, right?! Seems like a waste to pay that much to play beer pong and grind on people at frat houses!) I think you just need to be able to know yourself enough to be able to do the things you like, but in a way that you are most likely to enjoy them. You like music and dance, but you don't like drunken parties. For you, something like dance club or a dance elective class you could audit (if your school offers these) would be much better choices. You want to get out and meet people, but you are a serious student and you work hard. Therefore you should be meeting people in pre-professional societies and study groups, not at fraternity events. Anyway, keep doing what you're doing, I think you're going to do really well in college!

You kind of remind me of me almost 20 years ago (before you were born, egads). For me, being a college freshman was the singular hardest thing I've ever had to do. I think the sadness and crying is somewhat normal because you've gone through a huge transition (homesickness, being a real adult for the first time, being away from everyone you've ever loved.) It's a lot, a lot to take in at once. And I remember hating the cafeteria too for having to sit alone. Here's my advice: 1. Seeing a therapist or counselor can really help. I avoided it when I was your age because I didn't want the stigma of being depressed, crazy or mentally ill. But now I realize that the good thing about having a therapist or counselor is that you get someone who is totally in your corner. Also if you keep ruminating on something or thinking about it one way sometimes they can help you think about things another way. Therapists are useful for when you are going through a major life change. 2. I think you need to prioritize making friends even if it means a little less time for school work or research. Why? Because it sounds like until you get a solid group of friends you are going to be miserable and if you are miserable you are not going to do your best work. 3. Try out as many clubs on campus as you can. I finally found my friends through a sorority (admittedly greek life does not sound like your thing), but I think it would be good for you to find a club. That's the easiest way that I know to make friends. 4. Exercise. It actually improves brain function and alleviates depression. 5. I think if I could talk to myself from twenty years ago, I would say something like, "relax kid, everything's going to be fine. You'll get into a good law school. You're going to have a great husband and a great job in the future and make some awesome friends along the way. Right now you might be a little lonely and homesick, but that's normal. Try not to let it bother you too much. Read more, eat better, exercise more and don't stress so much. Don't waste be young and having your whole life in front of you on constantly being stressed out. 6. Call your friends from high school every now and again. Nothing like talking to an old friend to get me out of the dumps. 7. Next year will be better usually because you'll get to pick your own roommate. That usually goes a long way toward helping. Take care. It gets better! I swear.

I had an experience not unlike yours my freshman year of college. Since then I've discovered it's incredibly common. It's not something unique to you - it's a rough transition and colleges really do very little to ease this aspect of getting started. Do talk to a therapist - connect up with your school's counseling services. They may connect you with a therapist in the college city, or see you on campus - either way, use what they have. Definitely act on this sense of aloneness and unhappiness and enlist some help. It really will help. The main thing to remember is that a lot of people have been exactly where you are. I know it doesn't seem like it when you look around you, but that's the truth. As far as how to spend your time - you have a strong idea of what you want to do and you should pursue that. DOn't force yourself to try things that have zero appeal for you - but do look for things that intrigue you and have some overlap with your interests. There are going to be a lot of opportunities, and you don't need to pursue everything. A lot of people would love to have as clear an idea of what they are all about as you do - follow your instincts, but try to identify a few clubs or projects that you can bring your skills to and meet like-minded people, so you don't become withdrawn.

I've been where you are ... Why did I become so emotionally unstable and what can I do to take care of myself? For a lot of women, PMS can take years to sort itself out: sometimes it gets better before it gets worse. It's possible that the stress of starting college has made previously mild PMS a lot worse for you. I'd check in with your student health services clinic about checking in with a doctor and a counselor. It's so so so so normal to feel how you are feeling, but you don't have to stay stuck in those feelings. You're not alone. By the way, it's totally ok to try some hormonal BC or antidepressants if your doctor indicates that it's appropriate. More tools in the toolbox, right? What can I do to meet more similar people and/or stop feeling so alone? (How did you meet your closest friends?) Fun group activities! Everything you do at college doesn't have to be a super-serious resume builder. It can just be fun. Does your college offer non-credit fun classes in dance, gaming, intramural sports, ecology? Sign up for those that sound fun to you. I am partial to partner dancing because a) I love to dance, b) opportunity to talk to new people. Maybe for you it is trail-building? cook-offs? game nights? It does take time to make real, strong friendships, but you might as well have fun and make new acquaintances. Where’s the balance between changing myself and accepting myself? The balance comes from taking care of yourself! You're more than halfway there - you realize that things are not quite right for you now, and you are reaching out for assistance. So don't set up the false dichotomy. Reaching out for help, so you can take care of your wellbeing, is the best thing for you to do.

1) Impossible for us to tell you over the Internet. I know it never happened in high school but it could totally be hormonal--girl, you don't even KNOW what kind of fucked up shit your lady-hormones have in store for you over the next 30 years of your life. FWIW, have you considered that your boyfriend's absence might just be making you straight-up sad? You don't mention how far away he is, but if you guys are used to seeing each other all the time and now you don't, well, that kind of sucks. 2) Pretty much just lived with people, and met who I met between them, their friends, and classmates. Found people whose styles I dug, did a lot of hanging around in the library and on the quad. But, I was a drinker and a drugger, so that was admittedly a big part of the scene. The "college" party scene--formals, etc.--is like living death, ugh. It's where *boredom* goes to get bored. 3) Freshman year is a lot harder than people like to admit. Everyone, yourself included, is in for some massive personal changes, everyone is in flux, and that's you too. Hell, in one paragraph you call yourself both extroverted and introverted. ;) It is natural to grieve the loss of certainty and be really thrown by all the changes. Things will settle down a bit one day, but believe me: you don't have to "work" on changing yourself. You are gonna change. In five years you won't recognize you. So what you have to work on is being kind to yourself while it's happening, and being aware in case you start changing in ways you don't like. Right now you're changing in a way you don't like, and you have a strong impulse that says I NEED HELP. So seek it! And maybe you're just really at the wrong school. But more likely, you're depressed and anxious and therefore feeling extra resistance to the things that would lead you to the kind of people you'd like to meet.

I had an idea - you did mention that you enjoy music and dancing. When I was in college I knew some people who joined the amateur choral group and seemed to have a lot of fun doing it. I don't think they were great singers to begin with.

Where’s the balance between changing myself and accepting myself? Accepting yourself doesn't mean not changing. But there's a difference between making a change because you dislike yourself, feel inadequate, or are anxious to fit in even with people you don't particularly like, and a change you make because it supports your goals and is something you care for or will make you happier. And to look at it from a different perspective, we are always changing. If anything, change is inevitable, and we just try to point ourselves in directions that will make us happier. Having been in similar situations to yours, the thing I would go back and tell my college-age self is to get aggressive help for mental health, and also to recognize that social skills are important and start working on them. (Although your skills already sound better than mine). Eat at the dining room even if you make it a quick meal and even if you bring a book to read with you. I met people through classes or through my campus job. And I'm very socially awkward, so I'm sure you can manage it :) You may just need a little help from a therapist, and maybe a little extra kindness towards yourself.

It's hard to explain the difference between finding yourself and accepting yourself but I will offer that lately, I have been trying to work out more. Not because I'm trying to lose weight, though that's something I certainly wouldn't mind, but because I like it and doing it makes me feel better about myself. I accept that my body looks like the way it does. I'm not trying to become skinny, just healthier me. I enjoy baked goods but that doesn't mean I can't also go to yoga and find time to run. There's a tension there. I'm not starving myself and I'm not eating ice cream for all of my meals. It's a tension I am comfortable with right now. Maybe it will be different in a few weeks but that's where I am right now and I think that's okay. As for how to meet people, I believe in faking it until you make it. Can you imagine what it would be like to be super confident? What would someone who was really confident say in awkward situations or when meeting new people? Try doing that. You might learn that you like acting like a confident person, which is pretty close to actually being a confident person. And if not, maybe you'll emerge with more confidence in your current self. Win-win.