How do I get over jealousy in a relationship?

What do you think your jealousy is going to accomplish? I don't mean this as a glib rhetorical question, but as a real, serious question to be answered. When I have a really unhelpful attitude that I know is bad but I can't seem to shake, it usually turns out that some part of me thinks that that attitude is going to do something for me, or protect me somehow. Like, when I'm really irrationally depressed about something, I can usually find that my depression is rooted in this weird magical thinking idea that if I'm upset enough about something the universe is going to notice that I'm really upset and just fix the problem for me. In your case, I suggest thinking really carefully about whether or not you believe, on some level, that jealousy can prevent infidelity. If you really examine your motives, is there a part of you that thinks that if you monitor your girlfriend enough, and really worry really hard about what she might be doing, that you can somehow stop something bad from happening to your relationship. It doesn't matter if it doesn't make any sense - do you think this, deep inside? Because that's not true. How you feel about what your girlfriend does or does not do has no practical effect on her actions. Think about that for a few minutes. Is it a relief?

This is a mere slice of advice for a big issue, but ... give your girlfrend some credit. So, she's out late, and you don't know where, and her texts to you are a bit sparse in number? OHMIGOD SHE'S MAKING OUT WITH SOME DUDE. ... or she's having a good time with friends, and really immersed in their company. Or she got lost in a good book / movie / show. Or she fell sleep on the couch after getting home. If YOU were out late and hadn't texted your girlfriend, what would be a more likely cause? You're cheating on her, or just doing something innocent-but-absorbing? Some guy leaves a message on her facebook wall. OHMIGOD HE'S HITTING ON HER AND SHE'S GONNA CHEAT! ... or ... well, some dude just left a message. She can't control what he does, any more than you can control what your friends write to you. And even if he is hitting on her, that doesn't mean she's gonna do anything. If you get checked out or smiled at on the street, do you automatically do a 180 and chase down that person and try to get with them? I'm guessing not, because you care about your girlfriend, value your relationship, and wanna do right by her. Well chances are, she feels the same way, being a similarly-decent person. You find out that she had some sexy times with some person in the past. GAK! URK! RAGEVOMIT! HOW CAN I BEAR THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN'S GRUBBY HANDS PAWING THE BODY OF MY LADY LOVE?!?! ... well, you've had sex before getting with her, right? I bet some of it was pretty hot too. Does that make your girlfriend somehow less appealing to you? Does it somehow make you want her any less, or any less intensely? Does your having had sex in the past take away from how you feel towards her? No? Well then, allow that your smart, rational, very-much-into-you girlfriend has a good head on her shoulders and recognizes this too. Look, it ain't easy. Even the most well-adjusted and trusting person will get hit with these awful, gut-wrenching pangs of mistrust or jealousy once in a while. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to know/hear about a person's past sexual history, and DEFINITELY don't go seek it out by snooping through her stuff. If you think you need to sow your wild oats, so to speak, and that will help give you perspective, then by all means go ahead (obviously don't do this if you're still in a monagamous relationship). But you're not less of a person or lacking as partner for not having had some wild romantic history. As you know, nothing you can do can stop her from cheating if she chooses to. So the way I see it (and I am one of the most jealous people I know)... if (IF!)someone I love cheats on me and I find out, it would be devastating. But it'll be devastating no matter what -- whether I discover it out of the blue, or whether I've spent months agonizing over it, trying to analyse their every act and syllable. In the latter case, however, I've tacked on months of agony, and still not avoided the pain of being betrayed. So why add extra hurt? I choose instead to just give my partner the benefit of the doubt, give them some credit, and if they do cheat, I'll deal with it then. Do get some counselling if you can. Your recognizing that this is an unhealthy way of viewing relationships is already such a big step, one that many people never even make. Take the next step, get help, and work hard. This IS something you will be able to overcome.

I just can't get over my jealousy/trust issues. I would start by reframing this: "it's difficult to get over my jealousy/trust issues." The messages/narratives we tell ourselves can be liberating, or they can be restricting. In this case, saying that you can't do something makes you helpless, whereas saying that something is difficult gives you agency. Because the fact is, getting over trust and jealousy issues is possible, but it's not going to be an overnight event; it's going to be a process that will require insight, patience, and hard work. The thing is, your jealousy is coming from somewhere; it has a source (even if you're not fully conscious of it), and it's serving some sort of function (albeit in a counterproductive and upsetting way, as you're discovering). As Ragged Richard says above, on some level you feel your jealousy will achieve something for you... but what? These are ultimately the questions that need to be addressed if you would like to learn how to trust others, not going out and having a bunch of one-night stands so that you can count yourself "even" with someone else. Therapy is definitely one way to approach this. Additionally, if you have any inclination towards Buddhism and mindfulness, I routinely suggest the book http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1570628122/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ (the author talks about how jealousy is a combination of three emotions: hurt, anger, and fear) and also think that http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553382330/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ would also be worth a look (esp. the section called Transforming the Roots of Suffering). These won't be fast solutions, but -- again, if you're interested in Buddhism or mindfulness/meditation in general -- they may help you ask the right questions in a way that will allow you to find some useful answers.

Does it change your thoughts at all if you rephrase your wording from "I can't trust my girlfriend" to "I don't trust my girlfriend"? The second is accurate; the first is something you've constructed. Maybe thinking of the situation in these new terms will help you understand that she is innocent here.

I really sympathize, because we can't always control what bothers us and what doesn't. I also am a person who doesn't deal very well with hearing details about my SOs sexual history, and it's caused a lot of pain and frustration over the years despite my best efforts. That said, I would start by telling yourself that this is your problem, and that it doesn't have anything to do with your girlfriend or whether or not she's actually trustworthy. Tell yourself that and work on sincerely believing it, because it's true. There's a huge difference between "My insecurities mean that I don't want to talk about the details your sexual history" and "Your sexual history makes me feel like I can't trust you." Try and internalize the fact that your discomfort has everything to do with you and your feelings and very little to do with her. That doesn't mean that you're a bad person for feeling that way, or that you should be able to magically stop being insecure, but redirecting and redifining those feelings can keep you from actually poisoning your relationship. I would also advise against talking about it with your girlfriend more than you have to. You can absolutely tell her that you have insecurities, that you're working on dealing with them, and that you'd appreciate avoiding certain topics in the meantime. But please don't unload on her in a way that's going to make her feel like she's done something wrong, because she hasn't. Conversations with her should be informative and about you, not critical and about her. As for how to stop feeling that way? Personally, all that's ever worked is time. The closer I feel to my SO and the more secure I feel in the relationship, the less I worry about these things. Eventually, it gets MUCH easier to manage these kinds of feelings. A year or so into my relationship with my husband, for example, I still didn't want to have a conversation about his sex life pre-me, but the very thought of his having been intimate with other people before me no longer filled me with completely irrational dread. Good luck with this. It's a hard thing to deal with, but you can do it if you put the effort in, I swear!

My girlfriend and I talk about our issues, and I will be bringing these feelings up Keep in mind she is not your therapist. I would be concerned that bringing up your issues may make her feel she needs to take ownership of them or have the dynamic of your relationship change. Not to mention that revealing that you have snooped may give HER valid trust issues.

Therapy. But if you approach it from the perspective that you can't control yourself, it will not work. You are in control of your own emotions and reactions - you just need someone to help you master them.

You are insecure in yourself so you need constant feedback/assurance. Not sure if you have had bad trust experiences growing up or in relationships (parents/ex etc.) but that would certainly curtail your trust levels big time. You have no choice in this matter. Either you trust or you dont. But don't beat yourself up just because you are not able to trust, yet. That is okay. For now. Go with it. You might want to talk to your gf and let her know about your trust issues. Dont overblow it but be truthful about what you feel and how you are trying to overcome them. Simple. She will either respect it and work with you or she won't. The choice is hers so even if she decides she doesn't want to deal with it, it is her right to do so. Don't be too harsh on yourself, this happens. You and others are not perfect, we all have our issues.

Are the trust issues really the crux, though? Is it possible that you feel jealous because you feel your own experience is lacking? That you somehow don't or can't measure up to your girlfriend's past? OP, you are going to have to face this. In your current or any future relationship, this will be corrosive. Unless you contract for a virginal child bride raised by nuns like the Comte de Gercourt (and we all know how *that* turned out), every woman you date will have a past. And thank god for that, because experience is the best teacher. Romantically, socially, sexually. So can you try to turn this on its head and be grateful for your girlfriend's past lovers? They helped her become the person you love.