The importance of common interests in relationships

My last boyfriend was much like yours, very similar common interests, a mutual obsession with work, lots to talk about but too caught up in drugs and alcohol. I used to think common interests were really important. Then my husband came along. If I'd seen him on a dating site, based on common interests, we'd almost certainly have rejected each other. I'm into creative pursuits, books, art, reading, cooking. He into finance, surfing, swimming, biking, poker, politics. Aside from watching movies in bed and a mutual love of, ahem, sex, we have very little in common. But what we do share is similar values and morals and that makes all the difference in the world. I don't need to play poker with him or understand it, as long as he enjoys it and has people he can share it with, that's fine. Now we have our baby son (there's a common interest!) he takes up a lot of our time and focus and we both try to give the other space to enjoy individual pursuits. Not being present for these activities also gives us something bring back and talk about that you might not get if you were always in each others pockets doing them together. From my point of view, being with someone who thinks so differently to myself and past partners has given me an added appreciation of each others differing points of view and opened me up to things I might not have considered before and people I would never normally be exposed to which is invaluable to growing as a person.

I just want to meet someone with whom I can have great conversations, and really bond over the same enjoyed experiences/interests! Well, thing is- they don't have to have the same interests as you WHEN YOU MEET THEM in order for you to 1. have interesting conversations and 2. bond over shared interests. But you have to leave room for the idea that you could teach them something new, or that they could do the same for you. Here are some things that I now totally love, which I had absolutely ZERO interest in before a boyfriend or hookup turned me on to them: improv comedy. Arrested Development. Martial arts. Various folk singers. Kink. Raw oysters. Camping. My life is so much richer for all of these things. If you think of yourself and the men you date as unchangeable, then yes- it may be hard to find a puzzle piece that clicks right into yours. Don't be a puzzle piece. Be putty.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0053U7EII/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ enough has a horribly misleading title, but is a must-read for you right now. One of the great points that the author makes, like a few other here, is that values trump interests. The way that Lori Gottlieb describes it, in looking for a partner we tend to erroneously concentrate on the external qualities: he has to play an instrument, ski, and be into pottery, for example. But those activities aren't what will sustain a relationship, and they're not what really attract two people to each other. What we need to do is look at what the interests reveal about a person's internal self. Being musical really means that the person is creative and appreciates the arts, but these values can express themselves in a number of different ways. If you only look for people who play guitar, you miss the awesome guys who just love to rock out. Every guy I dated for 8 years was a lanky, semi-employed musician who wrote and shopped at Hipsters R Us; I was convinced that was my type, and that I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with someone else. My husband is a polo shirt-wearing IT manager and I love him to death. He is creative in so many ways, and does love music, but doesn't happen to play an instrument or write. Because of our differing interests, I've learned so much, met to so many people I never would have been friends with otherwise, and am less rigid overall. I love the joy of introducing him to my stuff. When we met, he loved low-brow movies, I wasn't much of a film buff at all, but we loved cozying up on the couch together and looked for common ground. Five years later, we're cinephiles who never run out of things to watch. We've discovered plenty of genres, directors, styles etc. that we both love. That kind of mutual growth and discovery is really awesome, and it wouldn't have happened if I insisted on dating my carbon copy.

(just to name a few cliche interests that seem to appear quite ubiquitously on online dating sites). The funny thing is, when I was doing online dating, a list like "philosophy, politics, avant-garde film, strange aesthetics, neofolk and postpunk music" would have seemed equally cliché. I prefer the company of smart, cultured people, but I avoided profiles that gave off the impression that I'd have to pass an entrance exam to be considered dateworthy. If you place too much emphasis on the individual interests, you may be missing out on some great people who might not match up on paper. I agree with the advice above that you're really looking for a shared perspective, not a laundry list. That's harder to tease out, however. If you're looking at profiles, pay attention to how people write rather than what they list; if you're meeting in person, pay attention to the conversation. Maybe they have fascinatingly nuanced, informed opinions about their outdoor adventures; maybe they like post-punk in a shallow way.

The variety of answers here raises the question of how values and interests relate to each other. I think you are getting different answers because shared interests sometimes reflect a deeply held value and sometimes do not. If skiiing is an interest, it's something you like to do, something your family did, something you enjoy. If it is based on a deeply held value, it is about the value of nature, perhaps family tradition, a certain kind of bonhomie and social life, etc. For you, "philosophy, politics, avant-garde film, strange aesthetics, neofolk and postpunk music" seem to be more of a value than an interest. Perhaps the value is around being counter-cultural, exploring the boundaries of consciousness, conceiving of the world in an intellectual way, comfort with transgression, etc. Those are values you shouldn't give up, and others with those values are likely to have at least a passing interest in those things. (For example, since I share many of those values, I know what all of those things are, and I have friends that like them.) My boyfriend is very different than I am in a lot of ways, but we both love science, he's very open-minded and tolerant of counter-culture, he's not bound to social norms, and he's very entrepreneurial and loves projects. He won't be going to Burning Man anytime soon, but he has many friends that do. Enough anecdotes. Here are some suggestions: - You need to get into a bigger social network of people who like these things. Either online, through events, by moving, by making friends with people who have a lot of friends. To this end: - CREATE your own network. Set up events in your area that center around the kind of art you like, politics, music shows, etc. Form a network around you and you will meet really amazing people that share your aesthetic, some of whom you can date. - Don't settle for someone who doesn't have your sense of life. He may also drink beers or whatever, but it sounds like you need someone intellectually curious and artistic in some way. There are TONS of people like this; you just haven't found them yet. - You can be happy in a lot of situations; you may meet someone you really love who has none of these things. But dating someone with a similar sense of life will fulfill you in a way that cannot be duplicated. - You are younger than you think. There are many ways to marry and have children. When you are 40 and 50, you will not think you were old at 30. If your desires change and these things become less important to you, then that's fine. But if this is what you want, go for it.

My last five relationships were with guys I had lots in common with. All of these guys were more concerned about me sharing their interests and not the other way around -- if I wanted to introduce them to something I liked, it had to pass a series of tests and filters before they'd even consider looking into it. These guys had nothing else to offer me except mutual interests, and that was what caused the demise of each relationship.... Because when it came down to it, they didn't really like me or care about me. I just fit into their view of their life until I started asking for more than just mutual interests. Then suddenly I was expendable. The new guy I'm dating makes me feel nervous sometimes because we don't have a whole bunch in common by contrast, but I like him more because he treats me with respect and sweetness. I would much rather be with someone who actually likes me than somebody who doesn't. That's starting to be better than having everything in common with a guy. But it takes getting used to. I'm not there yet. Hopefully I will get there though cause I really like how the new guy makes me feel... And I think I could really enjoy being with him for a long time.

Common interests are useful as a springboard. I met my husband when we were training for a marathon. That meant that we spent hours together several days a week. Now we really don't have shared hobbies, but we like each other and know each other and are invested in each other's lives. Over time common interests become less important because you have shared experiences.

Here's a piece of dating advice that I received years back and that has stuck with me ever since: "Put less emphasis on personality and more emphasis on character." Whether someone likes a particular genre of music is personality. Whether they are intellectually curious is a matter of character (PercussivePaul is 100% right when he says that this is something you should be looking for). Your ex's interests in common with you are matters of personality; his emotional unavailability and drug addiction are failures of character. Find someone who is emotionally healthy, sober, and available, who treats you and the other people in his life well, who treats people well even if they aren't "useful" to him, who can hold a steady job and act like a grown-ass man without a partner playing Mommy to prop him up. Even if he doesn't share the same interests with you at first, if he's smart, curious about the world around him, and willing to try new things, chances are you will find you have a lot to talk about. I myself don't require tons of interests in common. It makes it a lot easier that I'm one of those people who can find something to talk about with just about anyone, but I find that if someone is sufficiently interested in the world around them, it will work (barring major character defects!). I see your situation as what can result from what was called http://www.metafilter.com/117143/These-Are-the-Books-That-Make-You-Totally-Undateable in a past thread on the blue - "I would never date someone who had a book about X on their bookshelf!" The trouble is that superficial tastes such as what a person has on their bookshelf (aka "rule of thumb tribal-signification dealbreakers" as GregNog put it) can't tell you much about a person's character (unless they read really awful racist hate literature or something), whether they will treat you decently, are free from addictions, can hold down a job, stay faithful (or if you're poly, stay honest and above-board), etc. Character, not personality, is what makes relationships succeed in the long run.

The answer to your question is, in my opinion, 'Not as important as you might think'. I am nearly 10 years older than you, and I now believe that I missed out on quite a few potentially good relationships by clinging to the false theory that we needed to like doing the same things. What is important? Common values, beliefs and life goals. You can go to anime conventions with friends and leave him at home, but you probably can't successfully raise children with someone who thinks religion is a farce if you're a fundamentalist Christian. (Extreme example, I know.) Of course, I'm generalizing: there are extremes in either direction and you have to have SOME stuff to do together. Just, perhaps, not as much as you expect. Just one other aside: I am not hung up on things like how much money a guy makes, whether he looks like a model or has six pack abs, if he is a doctor, lawyer, etc. I just want to meet someone with whom I can have great conversations, and really bond over the same enjoyed experiences/interests! At the risk of sounding like a cynical old jerk - don't make the mistake of thinking that this makes you easy to please. I (and many of my attractive, kind, smart single friends) could have written this, and meant every word of it, for the past decade.