More red flags than Minesweeper

• There were a lot of moments in my past relationship that I filed under WTF. Please give me your opinion, what kind of relationship was I in? It was obviously not a healthy one. (Long...) He was 27-29 during our relationship, I was 2 years older. These are some of the things I remember. January 2010 - The only time he sincerely said "I love you" first was at the hospital right after he'd had major surgeries and was in a very vulnerable, "not sure if he'll be disabled or lost his looks" state. This was for a bizarre accident 8 months into our relationship that was the result of him binge-drinking (something he still does regularly). I moved in with him to help dress his wounds. In retrospect I should have slowed down and thought if he was truly the right guy for me. But I was totally taken in by his looks, charm, wit, humor, athleticism, and hedonism, enough to do all that I could to impress him. February 2010 - He surprise-invited his at the time, single female friend L. (not mine, I barely knew her) for my birthday which I thought we were spending alone together. And his plan was to make us go to her house in another part of the city and cook a fancy meal with Asian ingredients he'd bought (I happen to be Asian, they're not). I got upset at this because I thought it turned a day that was meant to be about making me feel special into a day that was more about him and her, with me as some third wheel. This happened in the beginning of our relationship and I forgave it as him being oblivious to what's socially appropriate. - At parties and public places: He would mostly ignore me. I wanted to be one of those couples who'd occasionally check up on each other and you know, be sweet to each other. I felt disconnected, like not part of a couple really. By the end, I just expected this so I tried to focus on spending time at parties with other people until we got home. He'd happily stay out till morning with his friends but when going out with just me (by the time we'd been living together for a while) he'd hail a cab and call an early night after dinner & a movie. This made me feel boring and worthless by comparison. I knew he spent his workday chatting with L. whenever he could (and whatever other female friends he had), because I used to be the recipient of his chats but was no longer. He said it was because we lived together that he didn't need to chat with me as much. Despite knowing they were just friends, I felt like he was more intrigued with her than with me. In fact, I regularly felt like he was more intrigued with other women, almost any other woman, than he was with me. Whether at meetups, or at a store, or at a party, he'd put his total focus on other women. It was something I could just feel, though I know I can't prove it. His explanation was always: I was just being friendly, or they looked like they needed some attention. And it was true, he'd often pick the girls who looked out of place or sad in some way and be super gallant toward them, while totally ignoring me. It was almost like he was courting them -- he'd pull out chairs, open doors, order a lot of food, hand them a plate to try first, try to "protect" them, etc. I felt invisible, taken for granted, not at all special. If he'd treated us all the same way, it'd have been different. The funny thing was he'd pull out the stops for ME at other times around other women, particularly women he definitely wanted to impress, who already knew how serious our relationship was. Then he would grandly hand-feed me or whatnot. I felt totally paranoid to feel like a prop but I did. - Speaking of props, he would literally treat me like one when we'd all be standing around talking in a group at a bar or something. He was about a foot taller than me and would rest his weight on my shoulder (if you can imagine how a man would stand resting his whole weight on his elbow on a pedestal with his legs crossed at the ankles), I was literally the pedestal on which he leaned. His weight would make me feel uncomfortable so after putting up with this once or twice, I began to just dip out of his way when he'd do this. His expression then would turn from smug satisfaction to irritated chagrin. - He never asked me questions, or wanted to hear my stories. He loved to talk about himself and our longest, most "connected" conversations were of him rambling about what a bad boy he was in his childhood and about his opinions and exploits. - He always walked far ahead of me, and would make me run to have to keep up. This was stressful and made me feel like he didn't enjoy my company, that he cared more about catching the train than to connect. - When meeting me somewhere, I'd usually spot him half a block away walking toward me, and wave hi and smile, and his response to that was to act like he didn't see me, until he *had* to see me. I knew he was pretending because the moment I'd wave he'd get a bit more cocky in his walk and his chin would go up and he wouldn't meet my eyes like he's just too cool or something. It made me feel as if I was embarrassing to him. - He'd deliberately provoke me, knowing I had some temper issues. For ex. he would drop a pickle jar and shatter it on purpose, knowing I would get mad about having to clean it (since he won't be thorough about cleaning the shards properly). - He used to cavalierly toss his dirty clothes at my head. - He'd clap his hands and say an item he'd want me to fetch for him. All jokingly of course. It annoyed me but sometimes I'd comply because I wanted to make him happy. - Sexually he was essentially done after he'd had his orgasm first. If I wanted an orgasm he'd use his fingers with as little effort as possible. More than a few times he'd shove my head down to his crotch or trap me in a blanket to "hint" that he wanted a blowjob, but I'd always protest because he'd never wash enough down there. - He'd burp to a frequency that would indicate it was not natural but deliberately meant to provoke. When it got to that point (and with all those other red flags above which is just a short-list), I "knew" I was being disrespected, but NOT BEING TOLD DIRECTLY WHAT HIS PROBLEM WITH ME WAS made me hope this was temporary or just a guy thing. If I asked him, he'd say nothing. He'd change the subject. Or he'd put it off and say let's talk about it tomorrow (usually I'd forget it by then). Or my favorite, he'd go to bed and fall asleep. Needless to say, we never communicated well and when he broke up with me, I felt short-changed, like why stay so long and never speak up about any issues with me if he clearly did let it build up enough to break up with me? I felt like he never gave us a real chance. And if he preferred other women or felt I wasn't really the one enough to treat me with respect, why did he not pull the plug earlier? During my relationship with him I suffered from depression and low self-esteem, and not knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I get that he could have felt like I was not an equal girlfriend he could be proud of. I now know I should have walked away, but I stayed because in between the shitty moments, he liked to share his life's pleasures with me, whether that be fine dining, sex, or adventures. I was like his faithful companion. I stayed for morsels he would throw from his own plate; he enjoyed demonstrating his largesse and even described it as a "privilege" to share his things. When he broke up with me, he made sure to get a female roommate who was apparently a young struggling student/model and forced me to move out on her schedule. The stranger took priority over a 3-yr (ex)girlfriend with whom he'd shared so many experiences including much overseas travel. He also was sexting another random girl while ostensibly having an in-person conversation with me. He strung me along for sex post-breakup while we were still living together, until I discovered all this and couldn't "love" him anymore or see him the same way. Now he's busy picking up girls of a specific nationality so he could "practice speaking their language" with them, a language he believes is of practical value to him. I feel he's using their naivety to his advantage just as he did with me especially at the end. That's the end of what I know about him and I don't follow any news about him. I'm not proud of how I reacted to his provocations sometimes. It triggered abusive reactions on my part, whether physical or verbal. He made everything into a joke, while I tend to take things seriously, so it seemed like I was just crazy, insecure and jealous and overreacted a lot. When I got frustrated enough to lash out unhealthily, I should have just walked away or focused on myself. I guess I wonder... what did I put up with and why did I think things would change (mainly if I changed to whatever his ideal woman was)? Was he only like this because we were not compatible and he was too cowardly to end it sooner than later? Is his perfect partner going to have all his good things (which were so amazing) and none of the bad? I'm nearly over this relationship, but this is pretty much the only thing I'm still thinking about with regard to him. Not that it changes anything about us. Thank you for reading my uber-long sort-of disjointed story. I hope I can put it to rest soon.

• Answer:

  I guess I wonder... what did I put up with and why did I think things would change (mainly if I changed to whatever his ideal woman was)? You said yourself that you were dealing with self-esteem issues, and it's not at all uncommon for someone with low self-esteem to try to get approval from other people to replace it. Unfortunately, this dude was so colossally self-centered that he wasn't seeing you as an actual person at all, just an adjunct to his ego, so trying to make him give you approval was an utterly impossible task. How do you avoid this in the future? Keep firmly in mind that your own opinions, needs, and priorities are just as important as those of your partner, and if they don't agree - in either direction - then the relationship is unequal and probably not healthy, and it's time to work on either fixing the imbalance or getting out of the relationship.