If support hit me in the face I wouldn't know what I was look at

Here's what these things look like in my family. 1. Husbunny suffers from severe depression. I hocked and nagged him to get a sleep study, where SURPRISE, it's sleep apnea that's making his brain sad. He's on a CPAP and his depression is under control. My question to you: What would support for your depression look like to you? What exactly would you like your wife to do for you? If you can't articulate it, how is she supposed to know? 2. Husbunny did a "couch to 5k" thing. While I'm not that ambitious, I cheered him on. We both want to incorporate exercise into our healthy lifestyle. We bought a treadmill. I wake up early and walk on it first, then he walks. My Observation: Your marathons are very personal goals. As for getting your wife to wake up, that's got NOTHING to do with your running. You just wanted her to get up, she didn't. THAT'S the issue. As for running with you at the finish line, she came up with a supportive idea, but you slapped her back in her place because she didn't support you the way you expected to be supported. That sounds mean and punishing to me. 3. Husbunny is really into Women's Basketball. I mean, SERIOUSLY into it. He attends games, writes on blogs, watches international games in the off season. We don't have children, so we both have lots of free time. I'm fine with it because it doesn't impact me. What's different for you: YOU have a young child. While you galavant around doing your volunteer stuff, your wife is home alone with the kid. 2 year olds are pains in the ass, and it gets old, especially when your spouse is out doing stuff he enjoys. Is this reciprocal? Does she get time out of the house in the evenings for what she wants to do? Your wife could very well resent you for not pulling your weight with your child and the housework. I know I would. Your demands for "support" are sounding very selfish and self-centered. You want acknowledgement and praise from your wife, but at what cost to her? What exactly do you do to support her? My advice is to tell your wife exactly what you want and to encourage her to do the same. Are you willing to give up your volunteer work if what she wants is for you to stay home, eat dinner with your family and put in a load of laundry>?

I don't feel like there were any special considerations given to my lifestyle. You're married with a small child. You don't have a lifestyle. You have a family, and the family has needs and expectations that supersede your own wishes and desires. Training for a marathon is something you do when you have free time and the family doesn't have any pressing needs. Same with community volunteering. Spare time, after family time. Your depression should be handled by a medical professional, not your spouse. If you want back-rubs, cups of tea, hand-holding--you have to tell her what you would like. She can't guess. (She gave you a plant, which wasn't something you wanted, so she guessed wrong.)

It looks to me like she was trying to support you in two different instances that you kind of dismiss quickly, the plant and the running across the finish line thing. The thing about support is that it's freely given and freely accepted. It's not like fees due at a meeting, you take what you get and say Thank You and work at being more supportive yourself. In answer to what it looks like: Mr. Llama is really supportive. He tells me he's my biggest fan. He buys my favorite beer for me on Fridays. He suggests going to lunch when I'm feeling down. He brings me coffee in bed. He doesn't criticize me or put me down or make me feel undermined. I try to do the same sorts of things for him -- even silly things that wouldn't matter to anyone else -- making sure he gets his favorite fork at dinner. I'm talking seriously trivial stuff, but trivial stuff really matters, as does gratitude. We say Thank You a lot. I mean, a lot. If one of us needs to work on something, even if it inconveniences the other, we do our best to make space for that person's immediate priorities and need to work. So: nice, trivial things, sucking it up wherever possible, and saying Thank You. But the framing of your question seems so tit for tat. It doesn't work that way. Entire seasons go buy where one adult in my house is being indulged more than the other. Dealing with accounting on that level sucks, and it's damaging. This is where saying Thank You right and left and noticing effort is important. She noticed your depression and bought you a plant to cheer you up -- it counts -- and if you guys have backgrounds where your guard is automatically up, putting yourself out there is costly and if it's not appreciated it's hard to keep going.

I suffer from depression and have since before I entered in to my relationship with my fiance. He and I have talked about it many times. About what I am feeling/thinking when I am having an especially bad day, about how he feels when I get that way (worried and powerless), and what he could do that would help me the most. We talked about this when I wasn't depressed, and that is key. Just last week had a big emotional bottoming out due to some forgotten pills. How did that play out? - I was very open about the fact that my mood dipped out hard. I never expect him to just "know". I said outright that I was having a very sad, low day and that I would do my best to not take it out on him. I said outright that my mood wasn't because of anything he did because I never want him to think my depression is something he causes. He always thanks me for letting him know. - He asked me specifically what I needed from him and asked what he could do that would make me feel better. I did my best to tell him. - He did what he could to give me what I needed but didn't let me be totally self destructive. I said that I really felt like eating my feelings (I have a history of binge eating), so he gave me two lindor chocolates as a treat but didn't encourage/enable me to go beyond that because he knew I would beat myself up for it later. - He shelved any uncharacteristically unkind behaviour or jerkishness I gave and waiting until I levelled back out to mention those things so that I would be aware and would make ammends. (My being depressed doesn't and shouldn't give me a free pass to treat him poorly) - He didn't take everything personally and he took everything with a grain of salt. When I had a proper sob over Christmas plans he knew it wasn't about him or frankly even Christmas. I was just having an emotion and that was a catalyst. Supportive isn't mind reading. Supportive isn't having your every need pandered to. Supportive relationships stem from - very open and clear communication of each person's feelings and priorities - very open and clear communication of what each person feels they need - negotiation of how to meet those needs. Sometimes they are easily given (a hug) but sometimes they aren't so cut and dry and need to be negotiated (He isn't going to start coming to the gym with me every day to support my efforts to get healthy, but he WILL encourage me to go and acknowledge my successes and cheer me on) - frequent discussions on how each person is feeling within the relationship with an expectation that any negative feelings or dissatisfaction can be mentioned without the other person getting upset. (My fiance can tell me that I've been a bit light on the "I Love You"s lately and a little too frequent in the criticisms. I can hear that, acknowledge it, and then work to try to do better.) In summary, quit expecting your wife to just know what you need and to do it. Instead talk to her and tell her directly what you would most appreciate her doing and what she could do that would make you feel the most supported. And then be prepared for a negotiation over what is and isn't possible/reasonable, as well as what YOU can do for HER.

The rules of communication state that you need to ask for what you need, specifically and concretely. The party of whom you are asking gets to make their own assessment of that request, but at least everyone is clear and that's about 65% of the battle even on a bad day. I've been dealing with depression for the past few years and all that my wife has done was given me a plant because she read that plants may help depressed people. That's a nice thing. Did you thank her? When I slip into a depressive episode, she seems ambivalent and doesn't really know what to do. Supporting people with depression is very hard. Have you given her concrete suggestions? Not "support me!" but "please check in with me about my meds and maybe you could also ____" When I finally ran the race she wanted to run with me past the finish line but I let her know that I wanted to cross it myself since she didn't support me. One, that was rude and two, that is not what "support" means. Did your wife go to the race? Cheer? Was she happy for you that you finished, and proud before you kicked her? That's support. If she's ever laundered your stinky socks, made sure there was breakfast in the fridge for you for post-run eating, saved hot water for you, budgeted for new running shoes, etc, that is all being supportive of your running. Whenever I have meetings it seems to be viewed as an annoyance, especially since we've had a child. She doesn't particularly seem proud of my achievements nor does she make space for me to continue volunteering. It is an annoyance because you're leaving her as the caretaker for a two year old during times you could be parenting together. Unless this is something you worked out and agreed to, that sucks. And now, apparently, she doesn't want to agree to it anymore.

I've been dealing with depression for the past few years and all that my wife has done was given me a plant "All"? She's @#$* married to you...! Part of healthy adults supporting each other involves the healthy adults taking care of themselves. You sound like an abyss of neediness and I would suspect that your wife feels that nothing that she pours into that abyss makes a difference, so: why bother? You can't reject support (eg, 'I would like to cross the finish line with you') and keep demanding it in vague terms and then expect somebody to keep flinging "support" at you in every possible fashion until they find out what sticks. Don't score-keep, and go forward with asking what you can do for your wife instead of vice versa. One's own life is greatly improved by actively trying to better others', as you are presumably at least peripherally aware of from your volunteer work.

Here's the deal with relationships: they are a series of ongoing transactions, not much different than a barter system between two people. The currency is...whatever you want it to be: time, attention, effort, talking, anything you value -- most especially emotionally. You have things that you want and things that you value. So does your wife, but they mostly will be different wants and values. The exchange rates will vary, sometimes wildly. Most of the time these exchanges aren't one-for-one, as in 'I will rub your feet if you rub mine' or the like. They usually disconnected in time and space. My wife and I are familiar and comfortable enough with this concept that we will openly negotiate for the things we want. ("Yes, I'm OK if you do x but next weekend I would like you to do y for me.") Healthy relationships are the ones where each person feels like they are getting a fair return in the trades, over the long term. The occasional "bad deal" is tolerable with somebody who you know will make it up over time. Problems arise when people think they are doing well in their emotional trades but the other person doesn't value things at the same rate. My sister & her husband are on such different wavelengths in this regard that it is a real struggle: he works hard on the job and at home, but she values that far less than he does. She wants time, talk, closeness. He doesn't value that, only physical effort. Both feel they are contributing hugely to the relationship and both feel they are getting short-changed. When one or both people feel emotionally overdrawn enough, the relationship can't continue. You have to talk this out together. Really come to understand what the other person values, what they want to get back. Be consciously aware of how much value you are providing the other in the currency they value. Put the law of reciprocity to work in your favor.

I am not a very articulate person, so I am not going to go on and on, but it seems to me by your own examples that she DOES try to support you, in her own way. A healthy priority list is like this, providing that you are able to take care of yourself, first: Spouse Children Career/whatever brings in income Volunteering/Hobbies/Etc... It seems that your priority list reads as: Look at you Not enough of you You, more you, etc...

I ask for support but in the most vague terms, and get angry when I don't get it. I've realized that I get angry probably because I have no idea what support looks like in a healthy relationship, nor do I even know what to ask for. People are coming down on you for how you've handled the example situations, but I think this part is the actual question you want the answer to. Before you can ask for the support you want, you have to figure out what that support is, and that's where you're stuck. Do some brainstorming and make a mental list of what "support" might feel like to you. Here's the trick: when doing this, do not use the word "support." Not even once. It's too vague, and that's tripping you up. Instead, identify some more specific feelings, and from there think of things that inspire those feelings. I feel nurtured when... I feel understood when... I feel desired when... I feel respected when... I feel like we are working together when... I feel confident in our relationship when... Come up with your own variations, but stick to positive things. Do these give you a little more direction than "support"? The things that complete the above sentences are things to consider asking for. "I'd love it if you [give me extra hugs when I'm depressed]. It makes me feel [comforted]." Swap in whatever actions/feelings apply to you. Keep in mind that your wife has her own list, and that neither of you will be able to satisfy everything on each other's list all the time, and that there will be times when one or both of you has to compromise. Example: you feel [respected, admired, interesting] when she [expresses enthusiasm for your volunteer work], but she feels [safe, prioritized, helped, like part of a team] when you [stay home and do housework/care for the child instead of going to volunteer opportunities]. Don't keep score, and focus on expressing appreciation for the things she does do rather than resentment for the things she doesn't. And both of you should get professional help for your respective mental health concerns, because even a perfect relationship is no substitute for professional care. The better each of you takes care of your own health, the better you can look after the relationship's health.