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How to be serious and stick to a commitment?

How do I stick to my guns and break up?

  • I've determined that I need to get out of my current live-in romantic relationship. How do I stick to my guns and break up? I've determined that I need to get out of my current live-in romantic relationship of 3 years. I tried to end things several months ago, but caved in upon promises of change, which have subsequently not materialized. This time, I am tempted to actually move out while he is out of town next week. I feel guilty about this because it seems so abrupt and I know he will be shocked; even though it shouldn't come as a complete surprise that I am breaking up with him, I think the method would. But I fear that if I don't make that huge commitment of actually finding a new place and moving my stuff out, I may backslide again and continue on in this relationship that is not working. I have started looking for places and have been approved for one, but haven't signed the lease yet. I still care about him, in fact I genuinely consider him my best friend, and it is excruciating contemplating doing something that will hurt him. I'm also terrified of being on my own again, already feeling how lonely it will be. I have no friends in this geographic area, which makes that feeling worse. Yes, I plan to take steps to make them, but the point is NOW I do not have anyone supportive other than long-distance friends and family, which makes the prospect of breaking up with my SO even worse, and is one reason I fear backsliding from this decision. For a variety of reasons I don't want to get into, it is harder to make friends while attached to my SO. We have no kids, no pets, separate finances, and a month-to-month lease. Neither of us could afford our apartment on our own, and he especially is in a bad financial place and may have difficulty even affording another apartment in this area at all. This adds to my guilt. This is a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" situation, which is one reason it has been so difficult to come to a firm decision and why it is easy for me to backslide. Some things are good, but the things which are bad are things I am really not ok with; I've been tolerating the intolerable, and have been very unhappy for many months. I think we are essentially incompatible. We fight frequently and both the reasons for the fights and the fights themselves have chipped away at my trust in him and my enthusiasm for this relationship. He is not happy either but I am fairly certain he won't want to break up. I've thought of offering the option of "trial separation" both to make things easier for him to accept and to appease my inner unreasonable hopeful voice, but I don't think that's really the right way to do it. I have to find a way to bite the bullet. So my questions are: How mean or unethical is it to move out while a partner is away without telling them until after the fact? And secondly: How can I be sure I won't backslide this time and continue our relationship in some manner? What are ways of approaching this, emotionally and/or practically, that will make it "stick" this time? Thoughts from people who have overcome their own waffly tendencies and made the change they know they needed to make? Thoughts from people who LEFT a "too good to leave, too bad to stay" relationship? Thank you!!

  • Answer:

    If you tell him you are moving out, are you worried that he will hurt you? Are you afraid that he might restrain you, so that you cannot leave? Is telling him something you would consider a dangerous act? If so, then it's appropriate to move out without telling him. That's a tactic perfectly designed to ensure an abused partner's safety against a dangerous individual. It is the right thing to do, in such circumstances. If not, however, then it is an unnecessarily cruel act. You will be turning his life entirely upside down without any warning and leaving him with the very sudden burden of finding a new, affordable apartment. You don't tell us what this intolerable behavior you've been putting up with is... That makes it very hard for us to tell whether the main concern here is breaking away safely or, instead, just breaking up easily. If it's a matter of safety, do it. If it's a matter of ease, don't.

anonymous at Ask.Metafilter.Com Visit the source

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Just moving out when he is out of town is cruel and cowardly, particularly since you consider him your best friend (you have not described an abusive or dangerous relationship). It would not speak well of your character to do that. So do the right thing. You must have the difficult conversation. And make sure you work out the finances fairly regarding the apartment. You state he can't afford the apartment on his own. So even if you make the wrong decision and follow through with your plan, you should pay your half of the expenses for 1 additional month so he has time to find a place he can afford.

Seymour Zamboni

The only way this would be at all fair or appropriate would be if you covered your rent and half the utilities that don't depend on usage (cable, landline phone, or whatever) for at least a month. Otherwise you're not just breaking up, you're sticking him with a huge financial burden in addition.

Sidhedevil

It's easy to say that since he's going to feel like crap either way, you may as well pull off the bandaid swiftly and just scram. But while it's true he'll be hurt no matter how gently you do this, that's no excuse for doing it in a cold, cruel way. Even worse, your motivation is clearly to avoid friction for yourself. Well, tough! Ending relationships is hard! Grow up and do it responsibly, with as much kindness as you can muster, and, to minimize lingering pain, make it super super clear to him that reconciliation won't ever be a possibility.

Quisp Lover

However mean or unethical it might be to move out while he isn't there, it's FAR MORE mean and unethical to let things drag on (and on, and on) because you can't bring yourself to make the leap. Moving out sounds like it's the lesser of two evils to you. To prevent backsliding: - remove him from your phone, your facebook, etc etc. - look out for "him-shaped" holes in your life, things you always did together and so forth, and be proactive about filling those holes with something else. In doing this you are doing him a favour as well, since the only thing worse than breaking up once is breaking up five times.

emilyw

Paul Simon put it http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A about as best as can be said. There is no easy way to do it without hurt, guilt, fear and 1000 other bad things happening. Shakespeare via Macbeth advises "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly". You can talk about this if you want, communication isn't a bad thing, but you are determined to leave the situation you find yourself in. It sounds to me that this period of your life is over and you need to move on. If you cannot see a way to salvage the relationship drawing out the ending isn't productive. If it would make you feel better find him a place to live he can afford sounds like you are squared away. Three years is a long time but if it isn't going where you want it to go don't postpone the inevitable. My heart felt sympathies I've been on both sides of the equation if it can't be fixed put your energies elsewhere.

pdxpogo

I actually just gave this advice to someone else so sorry for the repetition but...in my experience the best way not to backslide is to simply get out there and live your new life, hard. Do the things you were not doing because the relationship wasn't giving you space for them, whether that's getting out there and making new friends as you implied, taking sky diving, listening to that band your ex hates, eating things that crunch while lying in bed. Basically: Spend your time dating you.

Zen_warrior

Break up with him before he leaves (not the day he leaves, give him a day or two with his support network), clear out while he is gone and cover bills for at least a month. I'm sorry, it is tough and it will hurt both of you.

saucysault

I agree with the suggestions to pay your share of next month's rent and bills, since that's what you'd be on the hook for even if you were both happy and agreed to move out together to a new place. For a clean break, make sure you're squared away with the landlord that your name is no longer on the lease or utility bills. Otherwise you are still on the hook for half (or maybe even all of) the payments, even though you don't live there anymore. If you do decide to move out while he's gone, I think the kindest remaining option would be to be at your shared place when he gets home from his trip, to tell him what's up and hand over your apartment key. All your stuff may already be moved to your new apartment, but unless you're afraid of violence with this guy, it seems like you ought to give him the respect of an in-person break-up speech rather than him coming home to a half-empty apartment with a note.

vytae

Trial separations when you know you are done are just pulling a band-aid off slower. The hurt is the same. Just do the deed. Honestly, if your partner is in a bad place financially and can't afford the apartment on his own, moving out while he's out of town is pretty cold. You're not giving him ANY notice to get his finances together or to find a roommate. It's the end of a month, so I hope if you take this route you're prepared to pay May rent too in order to ensure you don't cripple him financially in addition to the emotional turmoil of finding out the person you are living with just up and left you. The optimal solution would be a conversation the night before he leaves, where you outline your plan for leaving and pay him rent for May. That way, he doesn't get blindsided and has the trip to think things through, so you have plenty of time to get out without being bargained with.

Rodrigo Lamaitre

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