It would almost be better if it were hookers and blow.

First of all, NO, your husband cannot spend a shit-ton of money on something that is frivolous. Absolutely not! I'm with myselfasme, separate the money NOW! If I were you, I'd take the kids and get a studio apartment and camp out there. Put the house on the market, let it go into foreclosure, etc. Your husband is a grown man, and he's acting like a spoiled, selfish child. Even in good times this behavior is unacceptable. You need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with him. "Bill, you want to spend $600 on cuff-links, when we owe the IRS and the property tax bill is due in three months. I'm tired of being the only grown up in the house. I'm exhausted, and disallusioned, and right now my perception of you is that you're coasting along, oblivious and unwilling to help. If you don't want to work anymore, and you don't want to contribute financially to the family, if in fact you want to take food out of your children's mouths, so that you can buy cuff-links, frankly, I don't see what's left of our marriage. As of today, the credit cards are frozen, I've opened my own bank account and I'm putting all of the money into it so that you can't fritter it away. Now, if you don't want me to start divorce proceedings, take the kids and move into an apartment I can afford on what I"m making, I need to see an ernest effort on your part to dig out of the hole you're in. I want you to sell the hobby stuff so that we can cover the tax bill, I want you to get a job, ANY job, to start bringing money into the house, I want you to submit resumes, network and go on job interviews so that you can start being a partner in this relationship. I want us to put the house on the market, because we can't afford it anymore, and grown ups realize when they're in over their heads. I am tired of being scared and strapped and resentful of my husband. I refuse to do this anymore. If you are unwilling to do any of this, then that indicates to me that you're not willing to sacrifice to save your family." And then have that exit plan and be prepared to execute it.

He supported you and your children financially for ten years. Get a full time job and work on getting him to a doctor/psychiatrist/therapist. I doubt the OP was sitting on the couch eating bonbons in her bathrobe. Being a stay-at-home mom is not a picnic, okay? Especially with a child who has severe learning disabilities. And the OP's chances of getting a full-time job are not so great after being out of the workforce for ten years. OP: If he won't get help, no matter how you try, then you need to accept the fact that you can't fix him and your marriage alone. I would have a Come to Jesus talk, but if that doesn't work, get your ducks in a row and plan your escape now.

I want to echo that this is really hard on your kids, too. My father was like this too. I still remember my dad buying a giant tv after being laid off for months. I was literally sick to my stomache on the way home, and deliberately stopped eating because I was so worried that we would be homeless. I was nine years old. I only say this because I think there's always a bias toward staying together for the kids. Certainly my mom thought so, despite the fights and worry and stress. But kids are smart and perceptive, and they can tell when something's amiss. Taking care of yourself so you can provide a secure environment for your kid can often be better than a volatile two-parent household.

Some people have a completely destructive relationship with spending, and no amount of rationality is going to help with it. I am one of these people. And I'm 40, and married, and I have two kids. The only thing that worked, ever, was basically taking responsibility for being a financial alcoholic. There are a lot of similarities. I cannot have credit. One credit card is too many. Given half a chance, I will overdraw our checking account because I won't exercise proper impulse control. So. In our household, by conscious choice between my wife and I, I am required to actively participate in our financial planning. I must be part of the budgeting process, I must remain employed and continue to bring in income, and I have to discharge certain responsibilities, like making sure the tuition check gets dropped off. However, I have no participation, at all, in our spending. I have proven that I cannot be trusted with it. I've been given plenty of chances, and the plain and simple truth is that I am not a responsible steward of our money. I am a financial alcoholic, and it's my responsibility to remember that constantly. I am responsible for my problem and for manning the fuck up and accepting that I made this bed with my choices. This is the consequence. I do not get to do whatever I want and then claim "I couldn't help it," because I know I have this problem, and it's my responsibility to avoid situations where I'm likely to fail. Responsibility isn't about owning up to fucking up, and saying "my fault". Responsibility is about being self-aware enough to not put yourself in a place where you'll fuck up in the first place. From your description, your husband has abdicated responsibility, but is not facing real consequences for that choice. You are, and your kids are. That needs to stop, right now. And that's the best lesson you can show your kids: actions have consequences. If he's going to do this, then on his head be it. Your commendable patience and unbelievable ability to absorb punishment are masking him from the consequences. And, yes, sometimes things are a Really Big Deal. It is not okay for him to harm your children's lives to make himself feel good. No matter what the reason. And that's what he's doing. So you need to trust your instincts, and get yourself and your kids out of this situation. He's made his choices. Now he needs to pay the bill for them. I am sorry you are in this situation, but you are in it, neck-deep, and you need to get out and get stable before anything else.

As an occasionally frustratingly unreliable partner with ADHD and I just wanted to say three things about things from our end: 1) OF COURSE, myselfasme's advice about separating the finances, laying down the law, etc. is spot on. It does not matter from whence this behavior originates in him; he is still responsible for his own actions and should be held accountable just like anyone else. I know that's the only tack that ever works with me. 2) THAT SAID... it is entirely possible for an ADHD person who loves you and is not permanently hopeless to jam his head completely up his ass in a way that brings chaos and risks ruin to your family. Some of us ADHD types have a way of sinking pretty low and then rebounding mightily. We need to hear the riot act and get scared sometimes to do it, but we can pull it together. While, as I indicated in point one, this should not change your plan on how to proceed (let alone your understanding of his accountability), I hope that it maybe gives you some hope that things can still turn out all right. 3) EVEN IF he does pull it all together, that does not mean you're honor bound to forgive him for everything he's done. Sometimes, when ADHD people pull out of a tailspin, we have to face the hard realization that people we love can't go for rides like that anymore, because, sincerely: something similar will quite probably happen again. You can work with him and stay on him to cut the length and severity of these cycles, but they probably won't go away. It's something we can struggle with for life. Not everyone can or should hang with that. My wife can and we make it work. I am lucky. This is not my first marriage, though and my first wife could not take it. That's how it goes sometimes. I really am sorry you have to go through this.

Look, if it comes to turning the thermostat down to 55 if he is the only one home, forcing him to eat rice and beans, or breaking computers with needlenose pliers, then just get a divorce. If you are prepared to do those kinds of things, your marriage is over, and you should admit it.

Before you do anything, make sure you have a solid plan. Contact family members or friends that might be able to have you and your children stay with them for an extended period. Better for peace of mind to know you have a nice chunk of time to sort things out where you don't feel pressure to get out. If you can afford an apartment, do that. I'd do whatever would allow me to save maximum amount of money while I got on my feet (safely!). Consider talking to a therapist about this. You need to create a plan that is safe for you and your kids while also deciding how that effects your husband and your marriage. Talking to someone can help keep you focused (I can see just reading this how guilt might slow thing way down–just as one example–while this is really an issue of your family's financial survival). Before you do anything, though, talk to a lawyer. Safeguard against any problems you might be setting yourself up for down the road. Do everything to the letter so that your husband can't somehow legally manipulate things to his advantage.

I'm struck by the fact that there is an emotional component, and a series of tasks, and another emotional component, and it might help to acknowledge them all. The emotional part I hear from you is that you have a team problem, but you are the only one on the team consistently trying to solve it. That is just so heartbreaking. Regardless of what comes afterwards, I'm assuming that you entered your marriage in the spirit of partnership, and the realization that your partner would not only NOT help you solve problems, but in fact CAUSE them, can truly cause a heart to break. I think that's why people are so reluctant to see and respond as if they accept that that is happening is happening, and instead go farther down the foxhole, financially, emotionally, etc. as they 'try to make it work'. In a way, I think everyone here is suggesting that you, with the heaviest of hearts, respond to the situation as if you see what is happening. That your partner isn't your partner, at least not for this crisis. You want him to be. Part of him may even want to be. But for now, he's not. Maybe he doesn't want to be. Maybe he can't be, because of depression. But I'd like to imagine that somewhere in the back of every poorly behaving partner and parent's head is the clear and imploring thought to their partner/co-parent of: 'If I turn into a zombie for whatever reason, protect the kids and yourself'. And act accordingly. I think it even trumps your wedding vows, which may have been to love each other in sickness and in health, because it doesn't include being 'dragged' down, while trying to save them, and in a way, your relationship. I think that brings up the series of tasks. The visiting a lawyer to understand your options to financially protect yourself. The reaching out to your friends (hopefully you have) to be transparent about your experience - realizing you may feel embarrassed that it's gotten to this, or that you're being harsh. The opening up a separate checking account, even before you move the money over. None of these things involve alerting your husband, but they are clear supportive, information gathering items for you. Because once you do move the money, and he becomes aware of it, it all becomes real. And it isn't clear form your post that you're yet up for the possibly long, possibly hard, and possibly not entirely thought through response from your partner once your actions come to light. And it's okay if you aren't ready for that yet. It's why people start with information and support gathering, like you're doing here, with this question. But that's the second emotional response - perhaps feeling like you're going to have to battle him as well as the issues you're facing? Well, you already are battling him. You aren't on the same page. The only question seems to be 'in what direction will you be battling?'. Is it the one where you focus on protecting yourself and your kids, possibly letting go of your 'joint' plan because he's not/can't be jointly supportive of it right now? Because that's a heartbreaking, but entirely reasonable plan. Even depressed, he's responsible for his own actions. And if he won't be, or can't be, you can't take it on for him. You can't get him to the hospital. You can't get him to a job. You can't get him off the computer. What you can do is respond like a healthy adult. When someone is hurting you, the healthy reaction is to get out of their reach. In your worst moments, consider committing yourself to repeatedly answering the question, 'what is the healthiest thing I can do right now for myself and our kids?', and taking whatever step arises in the answer. You don't have to know all the answers now. You just need to do what you've been doing - acknowledging that it's happening, that you wish it weren't, and taking steps (finding a job, asking around for a lawyer consult, telling a friend, opening a bank account, etc.) to move back towards the light. I am so sorry you are going through this.

If you move out he will become employed so fast your head will spin. So much for him being helpless to depression or whatever it is. Please, please, please, get the work done on the car before anything else. You might feel like you can get around on the bald tires and it is okay. You have no idea how easy it is to lose control of the car and wreck on bald tires. I once had a tire suddenly come apart and I could barely make it to the shoulder of the read. Thank God I was only going 30 mph. If you got in a serious wreck and were injured what would happen to your kids? Even if you don't feel ready to leave, please contact a women's hotline and an attorney to discuss your options. He may flip out if you take control of the money. He may ask for support payments if you divorce. Please protect yourself.