What do I do about my mom, and my 6 year old sister who may possibly have a mental problem? Long, snowflakey details inside.

The important advice comes here: Encourage your parents to drop the after school program and hire a nanny or babysitter who speaks both English and Chinese to take your sister to play dates, the park, and cultural institutions. This person can take over your translating duties. Look for someone with a background in child development for this position. This is sure to help. --- Schools get money for having "special needs" students, so be wary of introducing and pharmaceuticals at this age, OK? Medication isn't always the answer, even it makes your sister less hyper or whatever. I only mention this because medicating children is really popular at the moment, and diagnosing them with ADHD or similar is just the first step down that road. YES you want to get your sister help so that she enjoys school. NO, she's likely not "special needs," she just sounds like a pretty typical 6 year old with high-energy + language and culture clash issues. In truth, there doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with her at this stage except for the language and culture issues. Really. It's troubling that you would term her as having a "mental problem" and I think you should put this out of your mind for now. Please. ---- Can I be frank? It sounds like your sister's life kinda sucks. You are the only person who speaks both English and Chinese in her household, and you are now away at school. Aside from her home, she lives in an English speaking country. EVERYTHING is in English - TV, school, her after school program - everything. Strangely to her, I am sure, her parents and grandparents don't speak a word of English. I bet with you gone at school, everyone relies on her to translate what she can for them. How frustrating! She's freakin' 6 years old!!! Her parents, who she is naturally attached to, work most days. Her grandparents, who according to you can only navigate reliably within a few blocks of the family home, are her primary caregivers. Now, I'm not knocking your grandparents, but I bet they are less active and agile than your sister, so to a 6 year old, this means they are likely less fun for her to play with. Children needs physical AND intellectual stimulation. It sounds like your sister's life is pretty boring. You don't mention play dates or the park - situations where your sister could be playing, expending energy, and most importantly, making friends her own age. ---- I know you mean well and you love your sister. It sounds very strongly that you are blaming a 6 year old for the shortcomings of her parents and grandparents. At 6 years old, plenty of children would have trouble learning and navigating in society under the circumstances you have described for us. You need to bring the hammer down on your mom and dad. Full stop. They need to step up. Your sister needs play time with other children and after school activities like parks, museum visits, and other fun stuff so she learns to socialize outside of a structured environment like school. She needs more than speaking Chinese at home and English speaking programs on the TV. I don't know what her after school program is like, but it doesn't sound like it's providing enough stimulation for her needs. Ditto your grandparents at this stage. I agree with others that she'll "get" math and the alphabet when she's ready. Perhaps these skills will come more easily for her when the stress of being the sole bi-lingual member of her household is mitigated? BTW, you could not be more wrong about Chinese school on Sundays. That's the one thing that is going right for your sister. She's very lucky to become fully bi-lingual! It's just that she clearly needs more than her current routine is giving her. She's between two worlds, her young English life, and an older Chinese one. She's not fulfilled because of this. Encourage your parents to drop the after school program and hire a nanny or babysitter who speaks both English and Chinese to take your sister to play dates, the park, and cultural institutions. This person can take over your translating duties. Look for someone with a background in child development for this position. This is sure to help.

Is there a counseling service at your school? And/or an organization or group of Asian students or more specifically, children of immigrants? It sounds like it would be helpful for you to be able to talk out some of this stress and these issues with either a counselor or other students who may be coming from similar family backgrounds. I realize that you clearly love your sister and care a lot for her. At the same time, it is not your responsibility to raise your six year-old sister. She has parents (who raised you), teachers, a guidance counselor, an after school program, and many other resources. You'll all get through this. Be the best brother you can, but you need to focus on yourself too, your own education and college life.

FYI, if she is entitled to special ed services, those are provided by the public school district through her private school. That is, she can continue to attend her private school and receive the necessary services free of charge via the public school system. Most testing, etc., will be done through the public school system as well. In some cases it will be better for her to be in the public system where they have more resources for dealing with students with unique needs (for example, my public school system has an all-deaf classroom, which none of the local private schools is large enough to support), but in many cases supportive services can be quite well-provided through the private school system. You should definitely see what the psychologist says, and you should definitely talk to him or her about the family situation surrounding your sister's school situation. Does your sister's school know your parents are very limited English? Are there other Chinese-speaking students in the school? I would be very surprised if NYC Catholic schools don't have Chinese-language support available in at least minimal form. Your parents may not know what supportive services are available or what they're entitled to in the U.S.; you should speak with the guidance counselor if you can and try to find out, both in terms of special ed services and in terms of language services. (And having guidance counselors for ALL students is the gold standard these days -- it's not a sign your sister is troubled, it's a sign the school is working hard to follow best practices!) You're not alone, though; when I was elementary and high school, there had recently been a large influx of Asian (mostly Korean) immigrants to our community and the schools weren't equipped to handle it. I had SOOOOO many friends who had to serve as their parents' translators for younger siblings or sometimes even their own disciplinary meetings with the principal. You are definitely not alone. Also, "special ed" is used as a catch-all term for students requiring ANY supportive services; it does not necessarily connote mental retardation or other mental problems. It can be things as simple as minor dyslexia or deafness, or as complicated as students who are on permanent ventilators, in wheelchairs, and will never progress beyond a mental age of six months. Around 25% of students are "special ed" and entitled to services, and lots of them are quite gifted; they just need help in one particular area. So try not to think of it as a pejorative term, or as necessarily meaning your sister won't achieve academically -- and try to help your parents understand that! (Feel free to memail me if I can answer any general questions about special ed services.)

Also, I realize that the convenience of a nearby school is very important with little to no ESL in the household, but it is possible that your sister will benefit more from programs offered in local public schools than she will in an expensive private school.

If you aren't already, consider dropping into your student health counseling services. This is exactly what they are for. The only way you're going to be able to help your family navigate this is to use whatever support systems you your college offers. A counselor can offer perspective and help you deal with the responsibility, guilt and frustration you feel, as well as be in your corner as you manage school. They can help with boundaries, offer coping strategies and advice just in case it starts affecting your school work. This is a common issue on campuses, and help is available. Reach out.

Good advice above about the school and counselling. I am wondering if perhaps your sister is feeling stressed and overwhelmed. The one person in her life who can bridge both worlds is you and you are away. This is a huge transition, not to mention that she's new to school, to a structured environment and to navigating this system. Are you Catholic? The religious element may also be a shock to her. Is she connecting with other kids? She may feel very isolated and unsure of herself. Her harassment of other kids may be a genuine attempt to connect with others. If, other than kindergarten, she has spent most of her time with adults (grandparents, parents, you), she may not know how to gain the interest and attention of other kids. Something as simple as packing a few toys to share with other kids after school and then staying and playing for a few minutes could have a few effect. Putting together some playdates with other kids could help. I wonder if your family could either hire a sitter or perhaps find a volunteer who could help the grandparents out twice a week. If the sitter/volunteer spoke both English and Chinese, they could help in introducing your sister to other kids and parents, talking to the teacher, and even going to school meetings. Your local settlement society might also have some advocates or translators. But, honestly, even a 7th grade student who could help introduce your sister to other kids, invite other 6yo to a playdate, or otherwise faciliate communication and show your sister around the school might have a huge influence. Is your sister getting enough sleep? If she doesn't see your parents till a bit later, maybe they keep her up to spend time with her. Your sister is still little and may need to go to bed by 7pm. My kids are of a similar age and must be in bed by 7:30 or they are just exhausted and their behaviour falls apart. Nutrition and opportunities for exercise are important too. Does she get a chance to play outside in the fresh air? So much of first grade involves sitting at a desk and it can be a big transition. Also, check that your sister is not being bullied or excluded. Some kids lash out and are caught because their tormentors are discreet. Finally, my mom, who was a teacher, always told me that studies showed many kids are not ready for math and reading until they are about 6.5 years old. This has to do with all the developmental, emotional and social challenges they face - it has nothing to do with intelligence. Your sister just might need a little more time.

Where in NYC is your family located? If they're downtown, you might want to see what resources are available to you at University Settlement. They have some programs that I think would be useful in your specific case - possibly the Early Intervention Program - and they have full time staff members that are fully fluent in both Mandarin and Cantonese.

"Finally, my mom, who was a teacher, always told me that studies showed many kids are not ready for math and reading until they are about 6.5 years old." This is definitely true -- studies show there's no difference in academic achievement AT AGE TEN between kids who start reading at age 2 and kids who start reading at age 7. Similar things are true for math, though I don't recall the age range. I'd certainly talk to the teacher/counselor/psychologist about anything you're concerned about, including what you perceive to be slow academic progress, but if the expert says "Totally normal," you can relax that it is, indeed, totally normal at this age, and only indicative of normal variations in development, not indicative of future academic success.

If she has a psychological issue or a learning disability, she will be treated and that will help her "discipline" issues. I am not completely sure how to help with the handouts, but I should mention that NYC public schools are free and in my experience they are very good about sending things in multiple languages so all of the parents can understand them.