High school problems

You are not being stupid. Your anxieties are completely valid. But guess what? They're not reality. You know what's really cool? You have the chance, in high school, that most people don't get until they go away to college. You get to reinvent yourself. That is awesome. You've also overcome huge obstacles to get there. Besides seeing that your self-esteem has taken a beating over the past few years, what I see in your question is extreme badass-ness. You don't see it, but you are already primed to be more well-adjusted than your peers because you've battled some huge monsters. The best thing you can do for yourself, between now and starting school, is work on visualizing yourself meeting friends, having fun, enjoying the thrill of being onstage, landing a plum role. When you put these thoughts out there, when you arrive in a new place ready to have the best time possible, to deal with whatever crap comes along but not to let it sink you, these things will come to pass. If it takes waking up every day and saying to yourself, "I can't wait to make new friends in high school" -- even if you don't believe it -- keep saying it. Eventually you will believe it. And whenever you think, "everyone will hate me" -- kill that thought immediately. You may even want to visualize yourself destroying that thought. What if, instead of worrying about not knowing about high school, you make that your USP (unique selling point)? If you can stride in there and say, "hey, I'm the older kid who knows bully-all about high school. Can you guys show me how to make it awesome?" -- you will most certainly attract friends. Especially if you approach this with a sense of humor. You're going to be with drama geeks. They will LOVE that (trust a former drama geek). Also, the folks in charge of your school specially selected you because they want you to be there. In fact, they are confident you will do well in that environment. Trust them.

I've got the opposite view--you're already graduated. It would be fun to go back and have a jolly group of chums, and go to the Bronze and go to prom and all that stuff that supposedly makes up a "normal" high school experience. But you're not normal and I don't think that going through these rituals is really going to make you happy. You're not missing out on anything. (And I wasn't particularly unhappy in my own high school.) I've seen this attitude on metafilter before, but I just want to say to OP that, you know, even if you're not normal, it's okay to want these normal experiences. They're cultural milestones and whether or not they turn out to be all they're cracked up to be (my prom experience was odd, but still an important memory), you have a right to choose whether you get to experience them for yourself. I think there can be a lot of pressure for unusual kids to opt-out, because you should be above needing these things, or whatever. But like hermitosis, I found like-minded people in high school. We went to prom and geeked out together. It was really good for me, and healthy--if imperfect. It sounds like you're headed for an environment where you stand a chance to really find your tribe. Sure, it's transient (as all school experiences are), but it'll be so good for you, as a kid who has missed out on so much. And the best part is, I guarantee you'll find other kids who have struggled--with anxiety and with finding their paths. You can do this. Really, I believe in you.

I had thought about saying you aren't missing much, and that you have really already matured beyond needing all that stuff in your life. But looking back, as a lonely teenager who found comfort in a drama department, those were powerful formative experiences -- the parties, the plays, the big events -- I really flourished thanks to those bonding experiences, I had never felt that kind of acceptance before (even though, yes, there were all sorts of people who I didn't get along with. Anyhow, i would never begrudge anyone that kind of experience, no matter how advanced they seem. If you want it, it's yours. Sounds like you've had a lot of time to think and decide about what would be best for you. I can't think of any real reasons why you won't find it at this school, as long as you go into it with an open mind, as your best self.

Normal People, please bring me back to reality and tell me I'm being stupid. Kid, one real good reason to get out there and learn in public is to find out that there's no such thing as "normal people". I was as old as you graduating from high school and going to college, for various reasons I got started late. It's completely unimportant, nobody cares. Seriously seriously seriously nobody cares. You're going to a tiny arts-intensive magnet high school. Trust me: you are going to be surrounded by freaks. You'll fit right in. (This assurance very much coming from one freak to another). You're doing the right thing. You're really really doing the right thing. You aren't "stunted and... defective". You were sick. You're treating the sickness and you're getting better. Instead of coasting on that you're challenging yourself to go further. That is really so great. It's brave and you deserve to feel proud. But the fear, the fear of non-acceptance and of exposure, these are things you are going to have to get through to get the rewards. Every time you strive for a higher level you will have to deal with the imposter syndrome, the feelings of certainty that everyone else belongs there and you're the only one who's faking it. It's tough but you get through it. It's the price of admission. It's scary but it can't hurt you. There are good people everywhere who will take your side and help you. You're going to meet amazing people and have amazing experiences in the next 2 years and it's just the start for you. Trust the excitement and remember that this fear and anxiety is just another manifestation of what you've been dealing with much of your life, and that you have tools to counter those feelings. Keep seeing your therapist and be honest about your ups and downs. Be religious about your medication schedule: taking it with the most reliability and regularity you can manage helps. If you start feeling truly overwhelmed reach out for help: ups and downs are often a fact of life for those of us who face mental health issues and there are always options. Failing to ask for help is a mistake almost everyone makes at times and its so unnecessary. For real though what you are doing is truly deserving of respect and I hope you can step back from the natural fears and anxiety and take a moment to feel proud of yourself. Keep your chin up: you are going to be fine.

Age matters less and less the older people get. For instance, graduating from high school at 19 could be a bit weird, and graduating from high school at 20 could be a big deal. By contrast, graduating from college at 23 or 24 probably wouldn't seem weird to the student or anyone else. However, you're not in these situations. Your plan is to graduate high school at age 18 and graduate college at 22 (which you call "almost 23"). Nothing could be more normal. In fact, there's plenty of room for graduating college later than that without it necessarily being an issue at all. I graduated from college at age 23, and started law school when I was slightly older (like a year) than the people who had gone straight from high school to college to law school. I perceived no effect from the age difference. To me, it wasn't even an age difference; it was almost as arbitrary as being left-handed vs. right-handed. There were a few people in law school who were several years older than most of the students — in their early 30s instead of mid 20s. Most of them looked about the same as the rest of us; they just seemed more mature, more laid-back, more experienced in life. Things didn't phase them as much. They tended to be better-than-average students. Youth is overrated. I'm 31, and I love being in my 30s. I can't imagine how people get through their 20s, let alone their teens. The message sent by pop culture that youth is this shimmering ideal is not reality. I'm probably too far away from that time to be able to give you very good advice about high school. But you'll get through it, as long as you can manage to keep your anxiety in check. Things like AP courses aren't objectively too difficult for you to be able to manage. You don't need to be a genius at every course. In senior year, one of the best students in my high school told me his realization about academics: he said the most important thing you get from most courses is just being able to "handle" a certain area. You don't need to achieve some brilliant level of mastery; you just want to end up being able to say: "Hey, I can handle this." That leaves room for you to make a lot of mistakes along the way. People don't expect perfection from teenagers; they generally don't even expect it from adults. As I said, the objective difficulty of courses is not going to be the insurmountable obstacle it might seem to be. The bigger challenge will be keeping a subjective mental state that's steady and calm and focused enough to be able to muddle through (most of) what comes your way. You clearly have a great ability to examine yourself and be critical of yourself. That can serve you very well — if you do it sensibly and realistically. It could be detrimental if you psych yourself out and convince yourself that success is inherently outside your grasp. Most people in life, at any age, have lots and lots of huge issues and baggage. Despite that, they make their way through life and usually project a confident exterior. If you imagine yourself being more troubled and less able to do things than anyone else around you, you're making the extremely common error of comparing your inner life with other people's outer surface. That's apples and oranges, so try to avoid thinking like that. You're probably not as different from most other people as you feel. Life isn't a test that you need to ace in order to get some wonderful prize at the end. Everyone is constantly bumbling around and just barely hanging in there; so, if life is a test, no one aces it. That's fine. One day, it'll be over — and for what? Again, not for any great prize. There isn't one. Don't worry so much about how you're going to manage to get from one thing to the next that you forget to enjoy yourself along the way.

Oh, also, I was terrified of transferring to the school I'm at now, but I'm infinitely glad that I did it. Doing things that scare you (and sticking with them) will teach you so much about the world and yourself.

Your feelings are normal. The prom is imperfect for most kids. Your are NOT missing life over it. I second getting the equivalency degree as fast as possible, and moving on and up. Having a "normal" social is not exclusive to high school. The ONLY rational reason to go to high school is to get the degree. Don't go to High School to have a "normal" life. You cannot go backwards in life trying to find a social life. Go forward. Your goal regarding High School is to get the degree as fast as possible, and move up to the next level.

Just want to also tell you, when you say you feel weird/stunted/left behind because of the past few years, I identify with that SOO much. I also had panic attacks starting very young (10), was homeschooled beginning that year, and on top of it had very religious parents who were ultracontrolling, sequestered me, and actively tried to prevent me from developing socially for my age, forcing me to be treated the way much younger children are normally treated. So when I finally went back to school I felt EXACTLY like this: "I have a few friends! I've actually been to a party! I get asked out to lunch!" And I *completely* understand why you want a yearbook and to go to prom and all the normal high school things. I did too and I went out and grabbed as many of those experiences that I possibly could. So if my perspective is at all useful to you I will tell you that I am so, so, so glad that I did. I don't feel at all as if I wasted my time. I feel like I was having the formative experiences that I wanted and needed to have in order to catch up in my development. I absolutely feel as if I underwent some very important social and emotional development by going through high school, that I would not have had if I were to go straight to a community college. Sometimes when we feel incomplete or lacking in some way we are being neurotic. But sometimes we really are "lacking" (even though that's an imperfect, loaded term) in certain ways. And I think a good way to tell which is which is to do some really serious thinking about what would make us feel complete and go out and get those things done, and see if they help. And it sounds like you have done that really serious thinking. Some people feel pressured and forced by outside influences to stay in or complete high school so I think it is natural that they would feel it is a waste of time. But many people know deep down that these are experiences that they truly want to have in life. And for those people, the experiences often turn out to be crucial and formative. High school was completely awesome for me - I started as a miserable, awkward, friendless, unhappy child and left super confident, joyful, feeling like I could handle most social situations well, had a relatively equal amount of life experience to my peers, and had the foundation for successfully becoming a functional adult. It turned my entire life around, and I hope that it just as satisfactory for you too.

Your age is so, so completely not an issue. You know all those doubts you have about yourself? No one who isn't you will know it. You know what else? Lots of other people you see go around feeling the same things. Lots and lots of students in AP classes will be worried about whether they can hack it. The same will be true in college. And graduate school. You look around and see all these people who seem self-assured and totally in control, and half of them will look at you and think shit, how is this new kid so on top of things, I don't know what the hell I'm doing in this class. It took me years and years to figure this out but it's really true at pretty much every step in life. You belong to be there just as much as the next guy. Fake it til you make it.