Dealing with casual bullying/racism at work?

I'd say, go to your boss, taking a friendly and confiding tone. "Boss, this is awkward to bring up, but it's been getting worse and I need to bring it to your attention. You know I'm a team player and not a tattletale, but I've had just about enough of Phil's race crap. You know what I'm talking about, right?" [Gives boss a chance to either acknowledge, or deny. If deny, then:] "you know, it might seem funny to you, but I wouldn't be sitting here asking you to take this seriously if it weren't a real problem. Last week he actually said X and Y. It's way, way over the line. I've told him to knock it off, and I'm going to tell him more forcefully, and I'm asking you to make it clear to him as well. There's a reason this is against the law." Hopefully your boss will get the hint that not only Phil's remarks, but his own remarks, and his laissez-faire attitude towards Phil, are all fodder for a nice racial-harassment-at-work lawsuit. (Which they are; but that's not the result you need right now.)

Good grief, you made a mistake "because of your ____ background"?!?!? Yes he is definitely trying to get a rise out of you. I would say directly to him, not when he says something but when you are calm, "hey, if you have questions about my ____ background I'd be happy to talk to you about it, but your drive-by disparaging comments about it are out of line & unprofessional." After that, reply right there & then each time he says something racist with "that's unprofessional." Each time, without hesitation and without emotion, making it about him and his inappropriateness & not about how it might affect you. Because racism is all about the person who displays it, and this guy is the type who will twist "you're offending me" into you being oversensitive. If it continues, I'd bring it up with the boss.

Wow. I gotta be honest, I didn't expect this much of a response on a random Sunday night. First of all, thank you to everyone who took the time to read this, and thank you very very much to those who have replied. In my original post I tried not to be too specific as I wouldn't like it if someone were to figure out my identity (which happened once a long time ago when I gave a bit too much detail). But yes, this is in Canada, ON specifically. I am aware of my rights and somewhat aware of discrimination laws, but I do know that they're there. I am still a bit concerned that this post may not be fully "anonymous" as it were, so let me just say that I have reasons to believe that HR won't fully have my back on this. I am really impressed by some of the suggestions here. I will definitely have a very short talk with this guy tomorrow, headnsouth style. (The suggestion to make this about his "unprofessional-ness" as opposed to my offended-ness is spot on.) As an introvert I'm getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about the confrontation.. but then I remind myself that he's younger than my kid sister and hell yes this is something I can definitely handle. I will also talk to my boss. I dig fingersandtoes's suggestion to talk to him confidingly about it... while at the same time sending the unspoken message that this is also something that he should be thinking about. A bit more on the guy: Some of you have been very perceptive and picked up on the fact that this is a twentysomething macho sports guy, who probably feels that I'm invading his turf and is reacting in the only sad way he knows how to. I'm going to risk giving some more detail and I'll tell you that he is afaik a second-gen immigrant, although from a (yes, white) European background which probably makes him think he's superior to the non-white immigrants, and who still has a bit of an accent. This is again from my gut, but I'd bet he was victim of similar abuse growing up here and now he's just dealing it back out. Damned if I'm going to be his punching bag. Documentation seems indeed wise. I am very sad it got to this point, but it's the smart thing to do. To the person who said that I am but on the way to a better job, thank you, you rock. And to the person who asked if English was my first language or not, it isn't but thank you for asking -- you made my day ! The support from you guys has been amazing. I'll try and get some rest now, big day tomorrow. I'll touch base again to let you guys know how things went. Thank you all again.

Jerk face: Go back to your jerky country of origin You (checks watch, smiles): 10.08am, ok then. Sorry can you repeat that phrase, just want to make sure I've got it right Jerk face: Huh? You: Can you repeat what you just said? For my documentation. You understand. I'm getting quite the collection, it's going to make for interesting reading for a few of your bosses. And HR. Anything else to add while I have my pen out? (Repeat as necessary)

Hi all. A quick update on what happened today: The guy, let's call him Phil, did not show up to work, which gave me the chance to have a chat with the boss. Taking fingersandtoes' advice to heart I had a confiding talk with him, which actually went better than I expected. I touched on the main points f&t suggested, but knowing my boss I stopped short of asking him to talk to Phil himself. (My boss is the kind of "rugged individual" who, when told to do something will go the other way just to show you he won't play by your rules, so the best thing with him is to "plant the seed of an idea" in his mind and let it grow). Actually the best I expected from him was an "ok you've told me, you want to talk to Phil go ahead" (worst case: scorn or huffy dismissal)... but he even responded with some warmth/concern, asked me to keep him updated, and even offered the possibility that Phil maybe didn't realize he was being offensive. I responded with "you're right boss, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt although it's not the first time, I'll still have a short professional talk with him to remind him to keep office interactions respectful, thank you". My point is the tone of our talk was very friendly, he responded positively, and I felt much much better after getting that off my chest. On a related note, the rest of the day was just great. I was in a great mood and had a very productive workday. Without Phil around I didn't feel like I needed to keep my guard up all the time and laser-focused on my work, slashing tasks left and right. If all days were like this I wouldn't be thinking of leaving.. but my priority is the quality of my family life (esp. after all they've been through) and -- I hate myself when I do this -- but I tend to be crabby at home when I have a hard time at work. Which means that depending on what happens after my talk with Phil tomorrow I might be looking for a new job anyway. But no matter, I feel empowered by the support shown here and actually I'm now even very relaxed about all this, I don't feel anymore like I was being "weak" or "oversensitive" for feeling this way and I have you guys to thank for it. To address some of your questions/comments: I should have said that HR is not a desirable option. They remain my last resort if necessary -- I would like to avoid involving them though, at least until I can show that I first made an attempt to deal with the issue directly and professionally. However with my boss's support I think (hope) resorting to them won't be needed. sarahkeebs: I think you got that exactly right. It's one thing when the boss does it because actually most of his jokes are self-deprecating (also the gut says "not trying to troll").. but it's another thing when Phil does it because it's part of a general pattern of ill-will and aggressive competition and just generally a bad vibe. Thanks to those who have posted links to the HR Commission. Going to the HRC or the Ministry of Labour are valid options, let's hope it doesn't get to that but it's good to know the law has my back. For sure I will exhaust all other possible avenues first. Oh, and fortunately my legal status here does not depend on this employer. My only concern is losing my first "real job" in this sweet sweet country, I would feel like I'm letting my family and myself down. I knew starting afresh somewhere new wouldn't be easy and I'm trying my damnedest to be a strong and mature person about this. 256: I do believe there is some of the "post-racial" thing going on at work. Which on a theoretical level I used to think I was cool with as I have a soft spot for all things "post-" ... but on a practical level it has the problems of "http://www.metafilter.com/121573/Sexism-as-irony#4663689 http://www.metafilter.com/121573/Sexism-as-irony#4663692" that we have discussed on mefi before. I could maybe write quite a few more words on this but I've already rambled on enough in this so-called "quick update". Let me just say that even the funniest joke, by the most enlightened, un-racist, sensitive dude, made at your background's expense still smarts... and since everyone who "gets" and enjoys the joke in so many meta levels is sooo post-racial and enlightened you feel like you just have to be cool with it. But that's another discussion for another time. In any case I've always had the feeling that Phil lacked the self-awareness or the sensitivity to style himself as "post-racial", and was simply a racist dude who was happy to find himself in an environment where the cool kids make openly (post-)racist jokes. There might be a lesson here for those who make post-racist ironic jokes: at the very least, the "who cares" attitude towards racially-offensive remarks could make real racists think they're in a safe environment to openly say offensive crap. Case in point: Phil. Thank you all again for your input. I will let you know tomorrow how my talk with Phil goes.

To add to headnsouth's advice, I'd also say document everything -- every time anyone says something racist or inappropriate, record it so you can track how often it's occurring and bring it to your boss or HR (if that becomes an option).

You're not being oversensitive. Your office sounds terrible and that kind of behavior shouldn't be tolerated, competitive environment or not. Alas, HR is not an option atm. And yes probably the best thing would be to find a new workplace, but for a newcomer like me that takes serious time and effort; this is something I plan on doing but in the meantime I need to deal with the situation right now. I don't know how long it's been since you've been promoted but even if it's only been a day, you've been promoted and that shows employers something about your work. So start looking around! And the reason I say this is because... throwing me a provoking look as if to say "u mad bro?" I was offended, and challenged him to repeat himself but he just pretended not to hear as he slinked away. Sounds like you're doing just fine. This guy is a jackass who can't even own up to his shitty comments. Slunk away like a dog? Consider that a job well done and get back to the task at hand. I'm hoping (betting) your other co-workers saw how big (little?) a piece of shit this guy was in this interaction. Feel free to keep calling him out. If this office culture is aggressive, that means you should feel free to be as assertive as possible to this jackass, even if it means bordering on aggression. Remember, you're on your way to a better job at a better company.

By the way, the reason I suggested taking it straight to your boss is because it sounds like you've already made clear that you don't find these sorts of comments amusing, and yet they're being made multiple times per week. You don't want to get in a prolonged battle of the wills/regular confrontation with your co-workers, and you shouldn't have to. Take it to the boss.

He's playing a pretty risky game. There are definitely workplace policies against the sort of overt "joke" he was directing at you. At the very least, review the section in your employee documentation about harassment. He's over the line, and you're not wrong to see it that way. I really wonder why you say "HR is not an option" - is it because you don't have an HR department? It should always be some sort of option. I appreciate that you are in a tough position because your boss is also an idiot about this, but this is pretty egregious. You can call http://www.naag.org/current-attorneys-general.php to learn about what laws may apply in your area. Not that you want to go that route right off the bat, but you may want to know what context you're operating in, and state employment laws vary.