My 12 year old stepson recently revealed he's been bullied most of the year at school. Help us help him!

There are a couple of really tough things about bullying at this age. One of them is that your stepson is just beginning to narrate his own life, and right now, it's being narrated for him. The bully and the bully's audience is narrating him as pathetic and weak. And at home, he might be being narrated as "poor kid" (ie. pathetic victim). Given the amount of time kids spend in school, outside activities after school are not going to change his narrative for the majority of the day. Unless the kids at school are incredibly impressed by his outside activities (like, you get an NFL player or rap star to come to the school and talk up the outside activity...). I hope, for his sake, that you've been foaming-at-the-mouth-batshit-angry on his behalf. I hope you've expressed to him (or especially his dad has) that although you've never been tempted to beat up a kid before, you're tempted now. I hope you've been angry enough to demand a meeting with the kid's parents. It doesn't matter if they don't grant it -- it's important for your stepson to see you guys be absolutely, nearly-violently angry on his behalf. And to vilify the bully and his behavior. My stepdaughter has been informed (when she was being physically touched by a bully) that she would not be in trouble at home if she hauled off and hit the kid (she'd already told the teacher, "who replied with 'just walk away'" except she wasnt allowed to leave the classroom and the bully just followed her around. Her permission to hit was IN PARALLEL to all of the efforts WE were making on her behalf.) PS: you should be mentioningyour concern about the "school's liability" every time you talk to them. PPS: it's a huge problem that not only did your kid get bullied, but NO ADULT NOTICED HE WASN'T EATING LUNCH. What the fuck?! From the school's perspective and considering their goals, hunger will interupt his ability to learn. Huge other area of liability for the school. This kid was let down on multiple levels and has learned he doesn't have much worth. It's NOT self-worth he needs --it's being considered worthy by others, including the adults in his world, ie. the school? I digress. I suggest you find him someone who practices narrative therapy. And be irate on his behalf and let him see it. And minimize the bully with language like "that little shit." That kid looms large to your stepson. He needs to se that big giant presence the way you might, like a tiny little shit that you could crush (if you had to). (You're not going to harm the self-esteem of the bully, since the bully won't hear the way you're denigrating him). And that's some grade A bullying there. Stealing lunch money goes beyond middle-school-drama-gossiping-and-name calling. I remember being sexually harassed, as a young teen, about my large breasts, in front of my parents, and my dad brushed it off (may have even been scared of the guy). But the way I saw it, I wasn't worth defending. That's had too big an effect on me.

Rosalind Wiseman's work on bullying has really helped us. Her http://rosalindwiseman.com/discussion/rosalinds-blog/, and other http://rosalindwiseman.com/2012/03/16/stop-bullying-speak-up/ gave us a lot of tools, like her http://rosalindwiseman.com/2011/01/30/facing-our-own-bullies-how-to-confront-educators-who-abuse-power/. What I like about it, and what's helped our daughter most, is this:The goal in using SEAL isn’t to get the other person to agree with you. Instead, it’s to go through an internal process of thoughtfully understanding and then explaining exactly what happened that you don’t like, what you want, affirm your mutual right to be treated with dignity, acknowledge anything you did that contributed to the dynamic, and if necessary or wanted, communicate the degree to which you want a future relationship.A smaller setting may help - but really what was one of the most useful things was that my daughter learned to stay out of "hot spots" and use bystanders to great effects. She's younger, and her bullying took place in line and on the carpet, so she worked it out with her teacher that she could just go straight up to the classroom and wait there or stay at her desk. If she was approached by her bully, she'd find a group of friends who would help her say "Stop it" and while she didn't always go tell an adult, because she learned they often mess up the situation if they don't know the issue - make sure every supervisor knows that there's a problem, she'd go near an adult who might notice the behaviour and intervene. The other thing is to learn HOW to ignore. The http://rosalindwiseman.com/2011/03/16/going-back-to-the-basics-a-reality-check-on-bullying-prevention-tips/, and teachers are reluctant to spend teaching time on stuff like this (I work in a school, and just spent three months working through my own kid's situation - ay yi!) - you need to assemble a team. At home, simple things like practicing a steely stare might be an idea. But at school, it's hard for the kids to protect themselves unless teacher's know what they're doing. My daughter's an easy target - her emotions run high, and she has one button to push that's dead centre, takes a feather touch and sends her from fine to meltdown in three seconds. So for next year we have a strategic support team in place for her, for organizational issues and for her extreme emotions.

I'm stopping by to recommend my dad's advice: Shock and Awe. My sister and I took swimming lessons when we were in elementary school. One day we came back to our lockers (despite their name, they didn't have a locking mechanism) to find that both of our towels were soaking wet and had been placed on top of our dry clothes. We heard laughing and turned to find two sisters from our class giggling hysterically. They were bigger than us and older than us - we were intimidated. Later that night when we told our parents what happened, they suggested that, if it happened again, we should politely address the girls and tell them that we didn't like their behavior. After our next swimming lesson, we came back to our lockers to find both our towels AND clothes drenched with water from the showers. The bullies stood off to the side, laughing at our distress. Since I was older, I decided that I needed to take the lead. "Please don't get our stuff wet. It's cold outside, so when we go outside with wet clothes we get really cold." The girls laughed, then walked away. I felt completely powerless. After hearing about the latest update, my dad gave me new advice. He told me that the next time the girls touched our things, I should walk toward the biggest girl, stand directly in front of her, then just yell as loud as I possibly could. No surprise, it happened again. We came back to our lockers after our next lesson to find water dripping onto the floor. The two sisters were collapsed with wild laughter in the locker bay next to ours. I summoned all of my eight-year-old courage and marched right up to the biggest girl, the one who was laughing the hardest. She stopped laughing for a second, waiting to see what I would do. I took in a giant lungful of air and I screamed as loud and as long as I possibly could. Both girls stood, still dripping wet from the pool, shocked. In that single moment they morphed, in my adolescent mind, from scary to silly. P.S. They never messed with our stuff again.

So the bully, in effect, got away with it and gets to keep the money he took all year? Why isn't he being punished and made to pay restitution?

Sorry for the typos and mess in my previous answer. I came back for one more thing - help him with whatever he uses to de-stress. Or, find something that works for him. You might have to look hard to see what it is. For my kid, it's swinging on the monkey bars, biking, roller skating, long walks -- basically, moving, usually with some repetitive motion. She'll also lose herself in reading graphic novels and doodling. She needs this. And sometimes it's hard for me to let her have it - it's annoying that her skates are on in the house or that she needs another twenty laps around the table in the back yard; or that my back hurts and I'd like to hop on the streetcar but she's just getting warmed up so we'll walk another ten block; or dinner's ready and it seems like she's doing nothing... So, if he has some way of winding down and dealing with letting go of the stress on his down time, let him do it even if it's hard for you. I don't love spending an hour after school at the playground, but my kid needs it. We budget time for long walks, which is where she often talks to me more because she's not facing me. If she's lost in another world reading or doodling, I try not to interrupt. That's how she recharges. If there's something that brings him joy, help him to have it. Make sure he has things to look forward to - for my kid, it's a trip to the bookstore, the pet store, and on really bad days, trips to the beach to name rocks after her troubles and hurl them into the lake.

But what effect is this likely to have? The bullying is probably happening in the halls between classes, not in the classroom where teachers can witness it. I was bullied a lot, from middle school until better than halfway through high school. With only one, single-event exception, it wasn't by kids that were in my classes. I dunno man. Most of the bullying that I experienced happened in class. It was "mean-girl" type stuff but almost entirely done to me by boys - throwing stuff in my hair, whispering mean comments, etc. Sometimes teachers didn't notice, sometimes didn't care, and sometimes just tried inept, half-assed solutions because they had a lot of other things to deal with. It ended when we were tracked into honors/regular classes and I wasn't in class with those boys anymore. They were still assholes in the halls but it made my life a million times better. So, I don't think this is necessarily pointless. Plus it's way easier to avoid someone in the halls if you're not coming out of the same classroom together, and the next class you have to go to is also the same classroom as the person.

Ask your kid what he'd like to do--whether to switch schools, switch classes, take martial arts classes. And then do everything within your power to make that happen. 12 is old enough that he should have some say in what happens to him. He undoubtedly has an opinion about these things! I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded. I don't think a second evaluation is a bad idea, but I don't really understand why you feel this simple descriptive term is loaded or irresponsible. It's not a reflection on you, and if he is depressed, it's nothing to be ashamed of. He's dealing with some tough stuff. It's totally understandable.

I don't want him in the same classes as this kid and wonder if this is a reasonable request. Totally reasonable request and great idea. If he has some good friends, you can also request that they be placed in the same classes together, so he'll have the security of numbers.

It is very reasonable and smart to request he not be placed in the same class as bully. There is nothing unreasonable in this request and is in fact a fantastic idea. My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this. I would listen to your gut. Maybe not just because of the bully situation, but also for other situations that you may be concerned about. I am a firm believer in the sixth sense of "gut reactions." You do not need anyone's permission or okay or anyone else agreeing with you on what your gut is telling you. If you can swing a smaller school environment, go for it.