How Do I Learn to Stop Worrying and Love Art School?

When I see the therapist (not the psychiatrist), it seems like our sessions mostly consist of me explaining my frustrations and her explaining why my thoughts are silly. If this is an accurate description of your therapist-patient relationship, it's time for a new therapist. You should come out of therapy feeling better than that.

I wish I could just reach out and give you a hug, because your post reminds me so strongly of my own experience with Art School....24 years ago. Like you, I felt like a "fraud" because I often felt that my work was not quite as good as my classmates' work. Sometimes, I'd score a "hit" on my assignment, but more often it was so-so. Personally, I found that my own tendencies of perfectionism, combined with procrastination and the broad unbounded nature of the art assignments was ultimately not a good fit for me. A couple of things I came to realize that helped me: 1. Going to art school is the "big fish small pond" to "large pond small fish" transition. In high school there are usually only a couple of students who are real standouts at art. Take those 2 top art students out of 200 high schools and you end up with an art school class. Of course there is going to be variation in talent, dedication, creativity, and overall quality of work. Even though I was a very good art student in high school, I came to realize I was only a mediocre student in art school. And while this recognition stung for a while ("I'm not as good as I thought I was!"), ultimately, THIS IS NOT BAD, NOR IS IS A JUDGMENT ON YOUR CHARACTER. It is, what it is. 2. In my opinion, art is a type of "calling." An artist has to be so enmeshed in doing art, so driven by it, that they really can't do anything else. Those fellow students of mine that would be compulsively sketching in their sketchbooks, while I was reading a book or exercising or going to a party? Those are the artists that made it, both through art school and into successful art-field careers. 3. The broad, unbounded nature of art assignments was a struggle for me. I can creatively problem-solve, but I need some parameters to work with and a general idea of what the final product will be. It is much easier to do this in writing a paper - the creative part is picking the topic, and stringing the words and ideas together - but the ultimate goal is a paper. With art, the ultimate goal can be...anything. An art assignment like "create a new creature in Photoshop. This can be anything from an animal hybrid, something impossibly cute, or a scary monster. You must make the image visually convincing" - you can easily chew up mental time and work time just figuring out a direction to go. I needed better "bounds" to the work assignments; the lack of bounds caused big problems, in combination with my own tendencies for procrastination and perfectionism. 4. The ephemeral nature of art bothered me. I was in a Commercial Art and Illustration major, and I found myself thinking, "is this it? I make an Illustration for an advertisement, magazine story, package design, etc - then it gets used once and tossed away?" Personally, I needed something that was more lasting, and of public benefit. I needed to contribute to the wrold in some way (large or small), and commerical art felt like it was too small and too disposable. I ultimately decided to drop out of art school after my sophomore year. I took some time off from college, took entry-level jobs and supported myself, then returned 2 years later and pursued a degree in a different field. Art school was not a waste; I learned some excellent problem-solving skills, learned the limits of my creativity, learned a lot about what I am and am not good at. Now I work at a job that I enjoy, where my skills are valued and appreciated, and is directly related to the major I ultimately chose. With benefit of hindsight, I feel like I "dodged a bullet" by dropping out of art school. Admittedly, it certainly didn't seem so at the time...dropping out of school without a solid plan for what comes next seemed like I had deliberately stamped "failure" on my own forehead. But, once I moved away form the art-college town, nobody knew, and I downplayed it. "College just didn't work for me right now, I may go back someday" was a perfectly acceptable explanation in my early 20s. It's certainly not the end of the world. Anyway, the above may or may not apply to you. Given as food for thought. I hope you do figure out whether this is a good, well-fitting path for you; if you choose to stay in art school, I hope you learn to manage yourself and your workload a bit better. Good luck.

To begin, why are you in art school? Being an artist is a very lonely and isolating career for the most part, but that is what makes it so great for creative introverts. It's also a career where you have to be incredibly self-disciplined and self-motivated or you will not succeed. The only thing I can suggest is to make a huge effort to connect with your classmates. Start a study group and get together often. Otherwise, is it an option to change what you are studying? If you're actually an creative extrovert, maybe you'd do better as a gallery owner, art store owner or even an art teacher/instructor.

I was like you are when I was first in college. I did not face my perfectionism and it ruled my life for a long time. It prevented me from ever trying new things that I could not be good at right out of the gate. It is not a good way to live. In my case I got old and out grew giving a shit. I wish though I had done it differently. Being one of the herd is such a great thing (they are not all doing it perfectly even if they look like they are on the surface) - it is a much better way to treat oneself. I think that is the key- how you treat yourself in your head. All the negative self talk has to be dealt with directly. This may sound a little woo-woo but I talk to myself a lot. I pay attention to what I say to myself and if I start on a negative track I really try and respond to it with a reality check. It works well. I am an Art major. I just received A's on two papers and flunked the mid-term in Art History. Missed the first 40 questions (picture ID). I suck at memorization. I want to blame it on my age but no one is letting me. I will not be waiving my test around when I get it back. It will be a very cringey moment for me. So what does it say about me as person. Not a whole heck of a lot. I will not be getting an A in this class...so what. I have learned that my test prep was not a good one and I need to change it for the final. That is all I have to do. So what if your grades are average this semester? Can you give yourself permission to be average? It is so much easier to be one of the herd and then excel in some areas than having to be perfect in all of them

Study/drawing groups were the only time I saw my friends during art school. Going down to the coffee-shop and squeezing into a booth with laptops and headphones is really good socializing. You take breaks and keep each other on task. If you want to continue in the art world after school, things will be exactly the same except no one will be making you work, so deal with this stuff now. The best advice I got (from a teacher who liked to give out huge, impossible to finish assignments) : everyone makes 1000 bad paintings before they make a good one, and you might as well start getting them out of the way now. Also, probably get a different therapist.

So I had this project one summer. I got a grant for it, even. But as soon as I got started on it my perfectionist tendencies kicked in, and I COULD NOT do the project. I just couldn't. And I was totally, totally miserable every minute that I was trying to force myself to do it. At the end of the summer I still didn't have anything, but I was out of time. I had failed. And you know what? I'm so glad that I decided to give them back their money, rather than keep it and kill myself over this stupid project. It sounds like you're in a similar spot between a rock and a hard place. I feel for you, so so much, but I don't know how to make your workload better, or more manageable. I couldn't do it. But that was the lesson that I needed to learn. It might also be the one that you need to learn. And please, don't feel alone. You aren't alone. Realize that loneliness, while debilitating, is still just a feeling.

No wonder you're miserable and demotivated, if that's what the inside of your head sounds like! http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0971030901/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ by Cheri Huber, plus a (minimal and sporadic) sitting practice have helped a lot to lower the volume of the mean voices in my head. Seconding tenaciousmoon: work dates with friends, where we go to a cafe and open our laptops facing each other, are good for when I get stuck.

as for the therapy you might want to ask your therapist to try a different therapeutic approach than CBT. it just isn't for everyone (me included). maybe see if they will work from a more psychodynamic or family systems orientation as those are relationally focused. i suggest this because perfectionism is at root a relational problem. if your therapist won't try another perspective then i'd ask for a different one that doesn't use CBT as the main approach. also, you may want to talk to your doc about increasing the zoloft. fyi: IANATherapist. you could also look into group therapy which you might like. i also agree that some sort of study/support group with your fellow art students would be great. chances are your fellow art students are struggling as well so would welcome the company. you guys could all set aside a little time to talk about how hard art school is too and not just do art work together. it sounds like you are talented and will probably get through this, but if it is all just too much is art history a possible major instead? sorry, i don't know if art schools ever have that as a major or not. i feel for you. when i was in college years ago i had similar problems and finally dropped out but i wasn't an art major. it was the right decision for me but i've always struggled since then and not having the proper training has handicapped me careerwise. i did try to go back a few times but couldn't make it work. it looks like now at my ripe middle-aged age i am going to go back to finish my undergrad as an art major. then, on to grad school to become an art therapist. i'm going to be old when i'm done but either way i'll be old so why not. :) oh yeah. here is your mantra: done is better than good. or, done is better than perfect. either one works. i heard it first as 'done is better than good' and that is so shocking for a perfectionist that i kind of like it better. good luck!

Actually, infinite joy, when I was doing general ed, I often felt that feeling, though not as intense, and only at the start, right as I started every essay I ever had to write. Whether for English class, or Psych, or Poly Sci, or Sociology, or even Bio. The difference was, in those classes, I would pore over my research sources until I started to feel the flow, as Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi would put it. I was never that passionate about those classes, but I just assumed that once I got into my core major courses, which I'm doing now, I would feel the same kind of flow that I did then, and just go with it. It turns out that... well, I'm not. Whereas if you give me a prompt, I can write you a 5 or 10 page paper easily, within 6-8 hours, the same is not true if you give me some design parameters. I will, maybe 40% of the time, just flounder and not be able to show you anything but a blank page. The other 60%? Maybe 20% I can show you something I am proud of. The last 40% breaks down into two categories, seemingly at random to me. Either way, if we're talking about this last 40%, I feel like I just winged it, like it was complete bullshit, but it breaks down in two ways: one, (20%) it's received well, like it was a well thought out concept. Like, the mistakes I made are interpreted in critique like they were deliberate choices, and even applauded. The other half (the other 20%) is interpreted as, there's an idea in here somewhere, but you didn't do enough work to get it there. Which is fine. This kind of critique actually makes me wonder why I even worry, because clearly my teachers reward effort and not 'talent', whatever that is. They emphasize the process, not the product, and yet I feel like when I come home at night alone and lonely I can't keep up with the process. That's all.