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What are the consequences of brothers and sister constantly fighting?

My family is in trouble. To what extent is it my duty to help?

  • My sister (late 30s) has recently given birth to a baby who is probably affected by Down syndrome. There will most likely not be a father in the picture. She also has an 8 y.o. daughter from a different, also absent father. They live at my mother’s house in a small town. My sister has a story of emotional instability and I often fear for my niece and nephew. My sister was molested by my father when she was in her late teens. She is extremely dependent on (and at the same time hostile to) my mother. My mother (divorced), in turn, is struggling to help her and the little children, while having to deal with lack of money and her own (physical) health issues. I (male) am the middle child, 8 years younger than my sister. I´ve lived in a big city for the last 6 years. I´m economically independent (yet also struggling) and starting a career in academia. I feel that if I don´t go back to my home town and help my family, things will deteriorate further. On the other hand, my chances of professional growth would be reduced by moving back there. Do you think a sacrifice of this sort is the right thing to do? My sister probably suffers from bipolar disorder, but refuses to seek professional help. She sometimes expresses concern and affection for her brothers and mother, but is overwhelmed by anger and depression. She is, among other things, often difficult to interact with, often (verbally) aggressive, controlling, volatile and negligent of her personal appearance and health. I´m afraid she is doing things that might be harmful to her children at different levels e.g.: she refused to allow her daughter to sleep in a separate bed till my niece was 6, insisting that they should sleep together, my sister would also keep their house front door wide open to the street all night in the summer while she was in bed (even though they live in an area where crime rates are high). She loves her children and makes just enough money to support them, but she seems to have too serious, unsolved issues to be a healthy mother. I suspect by what she says and does that she had children (both times out of casual relationships with men who soon disappeared) to fill her loneliness and give her some reason to live. She recently said she wants to move with her children out of my mother’s house. My mother cares greatly for her family, and kept the family together when my (diagnosed bipolar) father had a deep and long psychological crisis and finally left home. Nowadays her main source of income is the small rent she collects from a couple of low cost apartments she owns (just enough to cover her living expenses). But she really dislikes running this business and finds it very difficult to confront the often abusive tenants. She is a meek and kind person who prefers to avoid conflict and therefore often agrees to whatever conditions tenants want (rent included), however unreasonable those may be. I know I could relieve my mother from the burden of that work she dislikes (and she would gladly accept). I think I might also help protect my nephew and niece (so far she is doing fine, but I am worried about what the long-term consequences might be) from my sister´s issues, and eventually influence my sister to seek help. I realize the latter is a long shot. I also know that I have a duty to myself to try to become the researcher I want to become. It´s just that the two alternatives are literally hundreds of miles apart and seem mutually exclusive today. Which path (or combination) do you think would be both preferable and morally sound? I would greatly appreciate your views on this conflict. PS: We have one younger, adult brother we are on good terms with, but he has already made his choice to pursue an artistic career away from the family problems.

  • Answer:

    It is really honorable of you to feel an obligation to help your sister and mother. I happen to think it is a valid obligation, but not at all costs. From your brief description, I would look a the longer term picture and stay on your career path. You will be better able to serve them if your life is not in crisis itself, you are more stable financially, and you have the luxury of perspective afforded by distance. I would stay on my path, send as much money as possible home to your mom, stay in touch regularly, visit often and lead your own life.

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I can add only slightly to the advice given above: research social services, perhaps take on an insurance payment, and so on. A couple of "don'ts" from my own experience: Don't co-sign anything. Don't destroy your own life in an attempt to help. Don't insert yourself into the daily mix by taking on things you are not equipped to actually handle (child care, auto repairs, relationship issues with non-family members). In my case, the key to sanity was in understanding my limitations, not in trying to fix all the problems (of certain of my relatives). Sad things sometimes can't be remedied. You don't have the authority to require compliance, so it's best to avoid doing things that hinge on agreements of behavior (...here's some gas money, but don't buy cigarettes with it... and such.) This will help keep you out of those maddening codependant loops that always make people do stupid and hurtful things. I can't see any way that this won't be a rollercoaster ride, but I believe it doesn't have to be all agony and dispair. Good luck.

mule98J

Create a fund for the baby that benefits the family now. It could be an investment fund or a giving pot that you, family members and friends can put money to pay for immediate home improvements that will benefit the entire age spectrum.

parmanparman

This is one of those situations where you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Stay where you are, doing what you are doing. Now, come up with a game plan where you can help from where you are. One thing is to turn over the running of the rentals to a management company. It may cost a couple hundred bucks a month, but it's worth it in peace of mind for your mom. Your sister may be eligible for state, county and federal assistance. Approach this from a money standpoint first. The more money coming into the house, the less stress there will be. Now that the money situation is squared away, you can start talking to each of these women about some theraputic care that would help them and help the children. Your Mom may want to seek out a support group of http://www.usa.gov/Topics/Grandparents.shtml/http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2952971/. Your mom feels tremendous guilt about your sister, that's why she's doing what she's doing. Your sister, has been severely traumatized and may have ancillary mental illness in the bargain. This is no recipe for a stabile homelife. The good news is that the new baby will probably bring some sort of Social Worker into your family's life. Someone who can advocate for that child and help the family, not only monitarily but with support and with resources. You can help from where you are so much better than by going there and imposing your ideas on your family. Hang in there!

Ruthless Bunny

I recommend your mom use a realtor for her rental units. I used one and it was a great experience since I too am very conflict adverse. The realtor charged me a percentage of the rent to screen potential tenants, collect rent, and field any and all maintenance issues. The lease we used had the renters pay the 1st $75 of any repair and I covered the remainder. The realtor was the point of contact at all times for the tenants and even deposited the rent check for me! In addition to all that, the realtor insisted on increasing the rent to attract a better class of tenant and that increase covered her fee. As far as your moving back there ... don't, there's not much you can do to manage a pair of adults. Take care of yourself so that if needed the children will have a safe haven with you.

Allee Katze

Some other practical ideas for helping from afar: Can you assist with dealing with the tenants? Get you mom to always say "Let me check on that and I'll get back to you." then she calls you and you help her make a decision about the right way to handle it, maybe even making a stern phone call if appropriate. Can you take on some tasks for researching the resources and social services that might be available to the family? Figure out exactly what they need to do to (for example) get on food stamps, get a social worker for the baby, after school care for the older child, etc, then present that to the women and follow up to see what needs to be done next. I'm not sure how physically far away you are, and how easy/cheap it is for you to visit the home, but if it's easy, could you take off a Friday or Monday once every month or two to drive home and do stuff -repairs around the house, stern visit to the tenants, take the kids to the zoo, help the women get set up for social services, etc. as an infrequent in-person influence (there's a poem in there somewhere). If I were you, the ONLY way I would even consider moving back home is if your sister takes positive steps to treat her illness. If you think about it, they seem like they are spinning their wheels and not going anywhere. If you move back and get a shitty job to help out, you will add more power to the spinning, but they are still not going to get anywhere until your sister draws a line in the sand and gets treatment.

CathyG

First thing you learn in surf life saving is you can't help a drowning person if you are drowning too. Don't let your family pull you down as well or then it is all of you going under and no one left to help. You would help them more by getting yourself into a secure position and then helping them as you can from there. There have been some great suggestions by others here so I won't repeat them.

wwax

It's not going to help your nieces(/nephew) if you are there everyday fighting with their mother and working a crap job while always knowing what you gave up to be there in the back of your mind. How are you planning to solve the problem of her leaving the front door open all night? If she wants it open, is she going to be ok with you closing it? Are screaming matches at 3am the solution here? You mention making sacrifices to help your family, but you don't mention any real tangible plans to help your sister and her kids (and your mother could hire a company to take over her job and deal with the tenants, there's no reason for your life to be put on hold for that). If your sister wanted help, she would be admitting she needs it first off. Honestly, the best case scenario I see is you giving up everything you've worked for to take over some ornery tenants and fight with your sister about her choices until she flips you off and moves out with the kids. The only way to be in charge of making choices for them would be to have her parental rights terminated, and it doesn't sound like she's near being that dysfunctional. No parent is going to appreciate you trying to protect their kids from them, and since she has the power to choose who spends time with the kids, why would she let you? Being a stable, healthy adult with your oxygen mask firmly in place would be a far better way to be there for them. Make sure they always know you care about them and they can reach out to you anytime, and they will if they choose to.

Dynex

Stay in contact with your family, but don't move back there. It sounds like your mom's biggest problem is your sister (she doesn't like the landlord business, but alopt of people don't like their jobs, but do what tehy have to do). I like the idea of helping her find a realtor to manage her properties. As far as your sister goes, if things get out of hand, anonymously report her to child protective services. Probably the only way to convince her to get help.

WeekendJen

I´m afraid she is doing things that might be harmful to her children at different levels e.g.: she refused to allow her daughter to sleep in a separate bed till my niece was 6, insisting that they should sleep together what exactly are you suggesting here? if you suspect your sister is sexually abusing her daughter then you absolutely need to call child protective services. do it anonymously if you don't want to use your name.

wildflower

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