How can I make my marriage work?

I feel like a lot of relationships end when one person thinks "I don't feel like putting in the effort to have sex because I don't feel any romance," and the other person thinks "I don't feel like putting in the effort to be romantic because I'm not getting any sex." I certainly don't think that's the only problem in your marriage, but I think it could definitely be a significant factor.

Wow, there is a lot going on in your lives! I think this is a difficult situation for both of you. I don't have a suggestion for everything, but the one thing I have advice on is the sex/attraction. I think having the focus be on sex isn't going to be very helpful. Instead, I would focus on romance and intimacy. Work on building up the romance. Both of you should make efforts to try to include more romance and affection in your every day life. Hold hands when you're out together. Snuggle in bed in the mornings. Go in for a hug for no particular reason apart from "hugs feel nice". Do some of the things you two did at the start of your relationship. Go on dates. Give each other a kiss when you thank them for something. Say I love you. Be grateful and appreciative. Do nice things for each other without expecting anything in return. Basically, I would make a point of being affectionate and romantic, even if it feels unnatural and forced right now. I'll bet that if you make a point of doing it that it won't be long before it won't feel forced and unnatural. It has been my experience that the intimacy and romance in a relationship can fall away if touching and physical closeness ceases. Physical touch is a pretty good way to spark that fire again, and touching and affection can often do wonders in rebuilding what you had. I also think that physical closeness can often pave the road for emotional closeness, or at least they are pretty closely related. So work on being affectionate. Both of you. Rediscover each other's scent and warmth. It won't solve all your other issues, but it seems like a good starting point. And while you're working on that, I would do what Rock Steady suggests and look in to finding a couples therapist. It sounds like you both feel you've each gone way out of your way for the other person, and it sounds like you both feel like the other doesn't understand all the sacrifices and changes you've made for them. It sounds like you both are feeling the same way, but you aren't able to talk about it or address it. Having an impartial party listen and help both of you see each other's perspective could do a lot of good. If you both felt more understood and if you both felt as though the other person appreciated everything you've done for them, I think you'd be leagues ahead. Best of luck to you both. Relationships are hard, but I think there is hope for you and your husband.

http://ask.metafilter.com/235119/How-can-I-make-my-marriage-work: I look at him and feel absolutely nothing sexual. Not that fixing this is going to magically cure all your ills, but I would suggest that unless you can change this, the relationship is doomed on a number of levels. I think this is where you need to focus on your discussions together and (if possible) with a bi-lingual therapist. What can he change to be more attractive to you? Physical things (hygiene, exercise, grooming, etc)? Practical things (help with housework more, focus on language, shut down communication with exes, etc)? Romantic things (take you out, backrubs, initiate sex, etc)? What are some changes you can make to begin to increase your sex drive and your attraction to him? That sort of stuff. If you can make progress on that, it will increase your intimacy and give you both confidence to make progress in the other areas.

It is isolating to work from home, and this also takes away opportunities to practice the language day to day, make friends and talk with people. I am not at all surprised he is depressed. Going to an even smaller town may make this worse. Can he go back to Wales for a visit, or permanently? Sounds like Brazil just isn't working out.

I've recently read How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It, which seems to describe the two of you perfectly. It's a guide book for understanding what the other is going through and how to make a strong connection through that understanding. I highly recommend that you each read it. To summarize it perhaps too quickly to be accurate, it says that what women fear is being left alone, and what men fear is being judged to be inadequate providers. Your husband is clearly feeling this, as he's not able to handle even basic tasks in Brazil. And when you're unattracted to him physically, this reinforces the notion that you're judging him to be inadequate. So, he rejects you too -- and this triggers your fear of being left alone (emotionally). This is a long, downward spiral until one or both of you choose to break it by making a strong personal connection with the other one. As wolfdreams01 says, each of you responds the other other in a way that makes the situation worse. And as PuppetMcSockerson suggests, adding physical touch -- even if it's forced -- is a big step towards making that connection. I'd also like to understand why you're living in Brazil. If you both work at home, maybe finding a neutral country would be better for your marriage. He's Scottish? Can you move to the U.S.? I really feel for him. He is in such a tough place, not speaking Portuguese, not having his own friends, not having a comforting marriage right now, and not feeling adequate. Normally I'd think both partners are to blame when a marriage goes south, but this time it really seems like the blame should fall on living in a country where he's so totally isolated. I hope you two can find a place to live where he's comfortable. He's bound to have a mental block now about learning Portuguese, and it's unlikely to go away until he doesn't feel so much pressure to learn it. Best of luck.

Is he definitely fluent in Mandarin and did he learn it as an adult? Because I have known many expats living in places where they didn't speak the language and who never learned to speak it even after many years. If you're both really wanting and needing to stay in Brazil, he'll need to do more than take a few online lessons to learn Portuguese. Learning a foreign language is a lot more difficult than many people expect it to be. Can you convince him to sign up for intensive, in person classes? Can he do some volunteer work a few hours a week in a place where he'd have to speak Portuguese?

There's so much going on here that it's hard to know where to begin, so I'll start with this: it's very, very difficult for an adult to learn a language. It becomes more difficult as people age, so having previously learned a second language does not mean that picking up a third is a trivial matter. I wouldn't be surprised if he feels under enormous pressure from you to learn Portuguese, which is a really, really tall order. I mean, think about it this way. He speaks Mandarin. Would you be down for moving to China? How quickly do you think you can learn Mandarin? How soon after you arrive in China would he be justified in getting frustrated with you for not learning Mandarin quickly enough? It sounds like a lot of things have broken down between the two of you. Maybe a good first step would be a conversation where you re-affirm your commitment to giving each other the benefit of the doubt. A good initial offering might be your acknowledgment that a lot is being asked of him here, with a promise to assume that he's trying his best.

It's good that the two of you had such an open conversation. But that's a first step. Following up is a longer slog. I know it might not be simple to find an English-speaking couples therapist, but it seems like it would be essential. Maybe you can find someone to do sessions via Skype? Or--slightly weird suggestion--I know there are lots of English-speaking therapists in Buenos Aires, so maybe you could have a combined vacation/therapy intensive there?

it sort of sounds like you are both having communication issues: he's refused to learn portuguese and you are refusing to have sex. both are communication issues. i think you are not attracted to your husband because you are resentful of his not learning the language and putting so much of the daily stress on you. so...your husband needs to learn the language stat and you have to forgive him for not learning it sooner and give up your resentment and rebuild a sex life with your husband.