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How would you address a wide range of skills and abilities in your classroom?

My preschooler is super-smart and super-wild and I'm out of my depth

  • My 3-year-old is super-bright and super-high-energy. I am super-lost. (Sorry, this got super-duper long.) Things came to a head today when he was sent home from preschool for behavior issues, after we've been struggling with preschool issues for a month. I am at a loss, and I am losing my mind. We had my 3-year-old assessed this summer for a speech impediment. (The system goes, they do a general assessment first, then follow up.) He does, in fact, lisp a bit. But the rest of the assessment - he was in the 99th percentile for everything but fine and gross motor skills (where he was perfectly normal), and social-emotional development (also normal). His vocabulary and sentence construction were, according to the early childhood specialist psychiatrist, "off the charts." She said she'd never seen a three-year-old with such advanced skills and that the scoring system on the assessment wasn't designed to accommodate a child with such advanced language abilities. She also said he was "near the far upper range of normal" in terms of need to be in perpetual motion (but that this did not interfere with his concentration or ability to finish tasks, but that it possibly we be the sort of thing we'd hear from teachers about). Well, we're hearing from teachers about it. He has trouble following directions and NOT doing whatever comes into his head, which of course is normal at this age but this is to SUCH an extreme. And he is exhausting to be with - we were talking him for mile-long walks at 18 months just to wear him out enough to sleep. It takes at least three miles these days. We try to be outside for at least a couple hours even when the weather isn't very good. He doesn't nap. He doesn't move at a speed below "running" and he can't NOT mess with everything. I know other kids this age do similar things, but mine does it all the time, 12 or 13 solid hours a day. He can open every door and deadbolt in the house, operate every child safety gate, undo all of the child-safety locks. Some doors have three or four child-safety locking systems on them so I can at least get to him before he manages to remove them all. If something is out of reach, he moves furniture - heavy furniture! - to reach it. I literally had to just go pull him off a couch he moved to get to an out-of-reach window blind while I was typing this (not dangerous, he's just wrecking all my blinds). He has absolutely no fear, and walks up to strangers and strange dogs and runs off from us all the time if we let go of his hand when we're away from home. It's impossible to leave him alone long enough to take a shower, and I understand how in a preschool classroom he is a force of considerable havoc even when he doesn't mean to be. We frequently have to hire two babysitters because trying to care for my 1-year-old while keeping up with my 3-year-old is a LOT for someone who doesn't have practice. A couple weeks ago he started disassembling my heating ducts just to see how they work. He's taken apart my thermostat more than once while I've been in the bathroom for a quick pee; he moves a heavy chair so he can climb up to it, and then starts disassembling it with whatever makeshift tools he managed to come up with. You forget a ballpoint pen on the table and he's freaking MacGyver. He figured out how to climb up to the windows, disassemble all the safety mechanisms, remove the screens, and open the windows on the second-story windows. After bedtime. In the pitch black. I found him on his way out a window. (We now have second story windows that don't open. We've actually spent a lot of money doing insane things to childproof this house against baby MacGyver, like my very expensive non-strangluation window treatments.) Without any specific teaching (we're a "sing children's counting songs that we happen to know" family, not a flashcard family), he has taught himself addition and subtraction. He reads long polysyllabic words. He recites long stanzas of poetry and entire poems, sometimes after a single hearing. (Not just children's poems and Dr. Seuss, but e.e. cummings and Shakespeare.) He follows simple recipes and cooks meals. On the one hand, this isn't entirely unexpected. Both his father and I were "gifted" children with slower emotional and social development. (We both have doctoral degrees from top-10 programs in our field.) But my son is having SO much trouble with behavior because of his perpetual motion, and is SO advanced in terms "academics" ... I'm just not sure what to do. I work(ed) in education so I know that labeling a child gifted before 6 or 7 is generally meaningless, and I actually hate even typing this question because I think it makes me sound like a crazy person to be all "my 3-year-old is super-gifted!" But I don't even know what to DO with him. We're starting to have more and more yelling at home because he is just CONSTANTLY getting into things and once he starts, he can't stop until he's satisfied his boundless curiosity. He'll go back to it every time I look away for a second. My husband has jokingly/despairingly suggested putting everything in storage that isn't toys and just sitting on the floor all the time. My husband and I used to work opposite schedules. I was fairly recently downsized. I am home with my kids all day, every day. In the month of October, I had two hours away from them, one time, when I went to see a psychologist, who basically just referred me to a psychiatrist, whom I am still waiting to see. My husband is working 12-hour days and is our sole income right now. I sleep lightly because, well, my child attempts things like climbing out windows, and because I've been very stressed since the downsizing and my younger child was quite ill. (He is fine but I get up to check on him several times a night.) I am both lack-of-sleep exhausted and been-coping-with-this-preschooler-for-months exhausted. My questions are twofold, I guess: A) How do I cope with a child that is SO precocious at getting into stuff and SO active, that I literally can't make a space safe and that I never get to sit down? When does this phase end? B) He is bored and I am not sure what to do for him "academically." We don't want to sit down and "have lessons" (if he would sit down at all), but he's clearly in need of more stimulation intellectually. But what do you do with a 3-year-old who's already taught himself subtraction and memorizes reams of text for fun and WON'T SIT STILL EVER? Both the public school system and his private preschool say he needs more intellectual stimulation but that they aren't equipped to handle a child as advanced as he is. The child development experts he's seen have universally agreed he is unusually advanced and needs support to help him develop, but none can point me to any local resources in our small town. (One suggested that if he continues on this path, I would be best-served by moving! To be close to some particular program for gifted children in Colorado or somewhere.) We have talked to specialists in the nearest big city, three hours away, who also agree that he is absolutely off-the-charts and needs unique support and challenges, but there just isn't any support available nearby, so it will have to come from us. I am overwhelmed trying to figure out how to support his development, and a lot of the resources available are more along the lines of "My child is gifted because every child is gifted!" (or, gag, "my child is an Indigo Child!") and aren't of a lot of help to me. Obviously we are also a family in crisis with the downsizing and the health crisis and I am doing my best to address that at the same time. I know this question is long and all over the place, so I'll try to answer questions that arise. I am very overwhelmed right now.

  • Answer:

    I have a high-energy 3 year old (maybe not as high as yours), and it definitely is challenging. But one thing that struck me about your post is you talk a lot about things you do to wear out the boy or to keep him out of harm's way or to prevent him from wrecking things, but you don't mention anything about discipline. From where I sit, he's not developing any sort of self-control nor is he facing any consequences from his actions. You shouldn't have to child-proof absolutely everything or hire two babysitters! He needs to learn how to calm down and develop judgement. That's not to say it will be easy, but you seem to by blinded somewhat by his precociousness. Try to recognize that what he may need more than an intellectual outlet is some sort of structure of how to behave.

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Why not go with it? Feed that big brain of his. Instead of seeing it as problem, make it the solution. Some ideas: - Give him small motors to dismantle and reassemble (and tools) - Buy him puzzles made for adults - Give him the components to build a bridge, walk over a bridge and let him at it - Give him the raw ingrediants to make cake (flour, chocolate, etc etc) but no receipe. Tell him to figure out how to make a cake. Rinse repeat for cookies, breads, etc. - For the energy, nthing gymnastics, martial arts, dance, circus arts, yoga - Live near a farm? That is endless exploration and physical and conceptual puzzles - Maybe animals? A border collie would have the energy to keep up with him

zia

Also, does he have rules? Boundaries? You mention yelling but I wonder what kind of repercussions he faces for, say, destroying property. 3 is young, but not too young for a time out. I'd give him lots and lots of positive, challenging work to get into but still make it clear that there are certain things that aren't allowed in the household. (Maybe you are doing these things, in which case, apologies!)

PhoBWanKenobi

If you are trying to parent an unusual kid in a non-authoritarian or progressive or evidence-based way, stuff gets tough. And other people are prone to giving advice that is not helpful and is just not applicable to your situation, like about how you should be more of a disciplinarian. So I hope you are able to let some of this stuff roll off, because they are just not talking to you (even though they think they are). I don't know if anything I am going to say is helpful, but we are parenting a bright, intense, physical toddler. Some ideas: *Read http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393067084/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/. It is specifically for people who want to do academically rigorous homeschooling, but I think there are some valid ideas in it for any kid who is bright and curious. Check out the associated http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/index.php. There is a subforum for "accelerated learners": most are going to be older than your kid, but they will understand what you're talking about and maybe have other ideas for you. There are people there who have really alarmingly intelligent kids, and they may be able to point you in a direction you will find helpful. *I have had okay luck doing things with my kid that deepen his concentration, like Legos, or these Ideal Blocks. He will also do sensory "science experiments" (the famous tray of baking soda and a dropper and a cup of water and vinegar with food coloring in it) for a really, really long time. Fine-motor/sensory stuff like that or Playdough or that gloop you make with cornstarch and water is often a pretty reliable thing for getting him into the zone. *Do you read those Ames & Ilg books? You probably do, but their theory about six months on, six months off equilibrium/disequilibrium seems correct to me, based on my kid's development. Right now, he's pretty delightful. Six months ago, I thought I was going to lose it. The constant climbing and taking stuff apart! The idea that I could have somehow shamed or yelled him out of his intense desire to comprehend How Things Work is laughable to me. He is driven as he is driven. I can facilitate or try to stand in his way, but... the second choice doesn't actually work, anyway, and then there is pointless yelling. *Do you think your guy would get anything about the youngest version of http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00008BFZH/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/? My kid is too little, but I wonder if yours might be able to grasp what was happening with them (under supervision.) *We do a thing where I will invent themes for a block of weeks and then read books on the themes. It is mildly helpful in giving him lots of new information that I might not otherwise have thought to mention. *Have you read http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0399535837/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/? It's interesting, and has exercises and play you can do at home. *Have you read http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1432706101/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/? It's technically a curriculum, but really I think it's more a book that tells you how to talk to small children about science. *There's a series of science picture books by Vicki Cobb called Science Play. Eg: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0688178367/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/. He might get something out of them. *Yoga? *Are there any other preschools near you that are more progressive? I know the pickings can be slim, but maybe there's something out there? Or maybe there's a meetup of like-minded parents interested in a co-op? (I know that's a lot to consider. But my kid just started attending a really progressive school and it has been a huge, huge thing for us, and for him.) Finally, I wanted to say that I empathize with your predicament. I think there's a rough gap period that happens in extremely bright little kids, where they aren't old enough or mature enough to necessarily do formal learning, but they are so eager for new information and comprehension that you just think you're going to lose it completely. I hope you find some help, whether its here, elsewhere on the internet, or through your local providers. Your child sounds very unusual and interesting, and you are not crazy or weak to find this hard to cope with.

thehmsbeagle

fshgrl, I don't think that's at all accurate based on what the OP has said. She has been told that her son's behavior wrt impulse control and following rules is developmentally appropriate -- by experts who have actually evaluated him, not people on the internet. There is zero evidence that he "has no respect for her," and it doesn't do her question any justice to pretend otherwise.

KathrynT

It... sounds like you're doing everything you possibly could. Short of moving, I think you might just have to develop coping skills (like trying to get a little more downtime by any means necessary) and wait until he grows into his precociousness a bit.

rabbitrabbit

Find what he values most in the world and then make him earn it. You cannot modify his behavior, but he can. Make him choose to exercise self control by setting up a wall chart with stickers. Every day (you can go every hour at first) that he exercises self control (give short, easy directions) he gets a sticker. After so many stickers he gets his treat. Once he can understand it, start explaining to him the reason why you are doing this. Ask him how it feels when he has a bad day and how it feels to have a good day. Ask him what he does differently on those days. Ask him to draw a picture of a good day to hang on his wall as a reminder. You want him to be internally reward driven, not externally reward driven so really harp on the why. You want to teach him that making good choices makes him feel good inside. Don't send him to that pre-school anymore. It hurts his self-esteem to be around people who don't like him. Find a care giver that sees him for the amazing little human that he is.

myselfasme

You sound exhausted, and I think that's part of the problem. Three is a rough age, they don't have a filter, an off button or much impulse control. If he's smart, it's a wonder you don't go ape-shit with two young kids. Perhaps a trip to the local Home Schooling store for workbooks and such like and you can do some structure learning at home. Reward with stickers for a job well done. Try training him. Like dog training, only not. Using positive reinforcement, see if you can show him what you want him to do, and then reward him when he does it. My Dad is a Skinner Behavoral Therapist. I'm surprised I wasn't reared in a box. It's amazing what kids will do for M&Ms. My friend's son has a lot of that boundless energy and when he came to visit he wanted to run on the treadmill. We made him get off after 90 minutes, full, tilt, boogie. Not because he was tired, but because we were worried about the treadmill. I think you should think about having a high school kid in, after school, to help you with your son. That way you're not so tired and stressed about it. You can concentrate on the 1-year old, and your son can have a play date with an older kid. Even better, if that kid is into motors, or circuits or whatever and can teach him about them. This isn't normal, and it sounds like you're doing a great job under a very stressful situation. The most important thing is for you NOT to burn out. You have to take care of your husband's wife and your kids' mother. If that means getting back to work, then do that. My mom wasn't cut out to be a SAHM. We were all happier when we went to the Hobbit Day Care, and mom went back to work. It's okay to be overwhelmed. The situation is overwhelming.

Ruthless Bunny

In 4th grade there were 3 of us who wouldn't sit still, got in a lot of trouble. But had tested off the charts our whole lives. A very thoughtful teacher gave us all the books for mathematics grade for grade 5 and sent us out in the hall. She told us to work at out own pace and turn in work when we were done. By the end of the year we were on 9th grade. It was very liberating. Later: other teacher didn't do nearly as good a job and school was a real struggle. But that one year stayed with me my whole life and spurred me on to a lot of success once I escaped public school. So my suggestion would be two fold. Lots of Text books, and lots of sports. Sports are great for really brainy kids, because the wear us out and also humble us a little. Seriously.

French Fry

Toddler leashes are great for kids with no sense of fear. The Jeep ones on Amazon are good - they're soft animal-themed backpacks. Let him choose which one he likes and make it a firm rule that if he takes off the backpack leash, he gets a consequence like a timeout. What's better - a safety leash and exploring the world outside or having to keep him indoors out of entirely rational fear. Have you thought of a pet? He sounds like the kind of kid who would benefit from long walks with a dog, and a dog as a companion to a child who doesn't quite fit with his own age peers is a very good friend. You can totally get him started on academic type projects now. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393067084/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ is pretty systematic but starts with short lessons and he might enjoy that because of the strong language emphasis. Try a month with each homeschooling method (Charlotte Mason, Unit-based, Montessori-esque) and see what suits him and you best. Look into playgroups that meet outdoors where he can run around freely so he can socialize with other kids. Swimming lessons, dance, peewee football - all that will help him socialise and burn off energy. Right now, he doesn't have to be in playschool to learn academically, but he needs to be around other kids. You could simply take him to the same neighbourhood playground regularly. After he's run around there, then go to the library. Stock up on open-ended toys like Lego and art materials. If you have a yard, give him his own area to excavate/garden. I had a raging kid and we severely child proofed a room for him so when he went on a rage, we could safely leave him there. It sounds like you have done the same to your house - could you do that to a single room so you can safely leave him there with some toys? We literally took out handles and knobs in that space, and we have always had window grilles because of kids climbing out. I really would do that because you need to be able to shower without having to worry about him climbing up the chimney! He has asynchronous development - people are going to assume he's entirely a 3 year old or that he's a 7 year-old in a little body, when truly he's both at different times. You want to get in contact with parents of gifted kids on discussion boards or mailing lists so you can talk without being accused of bragging or exaggerating. Moving might be an option later, but right now I would focus on just finding what works for your whole family, including your daughter.

viggorlijah

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