What's the proper etiquette to ask for a parent's permission/blessing to marry her daughter?

My parents understood my feminist insistence that no man I would ever marry would be asking their "permission", but, in not so many words, they made it clear that they would appreciate my future intended asking for their "blessing" at some stage; not necessarily before. I then made it clear to my now-fiance that there was no way in hell my parents would know he planned to propose before I would -- that is, that he could ask for their blessing after the proposal (and my acceptance), but not before. And that's what happened, and everyone was happy. (and I saved the scratch paper he used to nervously write down his bullet point notes for what he was going to say to my parents. It was adorable.) We did it over the phone, because distances and logistics of our relationship made it impossible to do in person. No one was bothered by that. And after we called my parents, then we called his to share the good news as well. No reason it's only *her* parents that should be giving their blessings! So I would recommend that aside from what her father would have wanted, what "some folks think", and so on, figure out what SHE would want. Is she very traditional? Then do it beforehand. Is she very modern but with respect for tradition? Then do it after the proposal. Is she extremely feminist? Then *you* don't do anything alone; you call together.

Talk to your soon-to-be-fiance. My now-wife told me that had I asked her dad first, she would have been insulted and said "no".

I had planned to ask Mom after I propose. That's Part 1 of the modern way of doing it. Part 2 is asking together: "Mrs Mom, we'd like to ask your blessing of our engagement."

In my limited experience, the parents are told first, and over the phone is perfectly acceptable, especially if you know there's not going to be a problem. When my sisters got engaged, their soon-to-be fiances called my dad to "let him know" that they were proposing, the day they did it, but before the actual proposal. Side note: I don't think it's misogynistic at all. I think it's a sign that you know you're marrying into a family, not just a person, and you want to establish that respect and love from the start. It's a nice thing to do, and pleasantly old fashioned.

And for what it's worth, make sure you take into account what her Mom might expect as well. Having made my wishes quite clear to my parents, I dated a guy a long time ago who decided he was going to surprise me with a proposal AND go against my desire to be the first one to know, so he asked my mother. Over AOL instant messenger. Who, knowing me well, and knowing that I was not in a marrying mode, responded, "Um... does olinerd know?" She then started talking to *me* on IM and saying "There's something you need to know." And that led into several days worth of extraordinarily awkward and painful discussions that, at the end of the day, resulted in no engagement and a breakup a month or two later. So again, just because her dad might have liked it, if she does not want it to happen like that and her parents know that, it might backfire on you. And on preview: Far as I can see, you've already proposed. It's a given. Asking her mother's blessing is nice but at this point everything is just a gesture, so do whatever will make the most people happy. No no no no no. I had been discussing marriage and long-term plans with my fiance for a good while before his proposal, but I was shocked at how big a step the actual proposal felt to me. And having to TELL PEOPLE? Like, SAY IT OUT LOUD? It took a while for me to feel fully comfortable with it. Even though I assumed it was "a given" that we'd be getting married, the process of teling my parents it was official was very much tied to the actual proposal event. And again, I wanted my parents to know *after*, not before.

Yeah, make your your girlfriend is on board with this. If my husband had tried to talk to my mom and get her "blessing" first I probably would have said no to the proposal. My parents don't own me and I was certainly able to make life decisions without their permission or blessings (and it would have been slightly ridiculous considering our ages). My answer was really the only one that mattered in that case. I'd say do the proposal first, then call mom (together) to announce the good news. You can ask for the blessing or however you'd like to phrase it then. Waiting to do it in person is a nice thought, but seems pretty impractical in this case. Is your GF supposed to keep the engagement a secret from her mom until Thanksgiving?

You need to ask your fiancee first, even if it's just asking her permission to ask her mother, and then asking her to marry you after. It's respectful of the parents, I guess, but I would have found it profoundly disrespectful of me if my husband had asked my parents if it was ok before he asked me, and would never have been able to see him in the same light.

I would also probably say no if someone asked my family before me. My dad would want to be asked beforehand, this is one of the reasons why my dad and I don't get along. (My dad would also be under the misimpression that him saying no would prevent the engagement.) I think Thanksgiving is too long, though. I agree with calling and announcing/etc. directly after making the actual proposal, as a couple. Then you call your parents or other significant family members.

Just to give you a perspective from the other side, my husband didn't ask anyone for their "permission" before he proposed, but he did talk to my mom because he knows my family is important to me (and would be to our new family, too). From what I understand, he basically said that he wanted to assure her how much he loved me, that he would always do his best to take care of me, and wanted her (and my family's) blessing as he asked me to marry him. The blessing was given. When I heard, I thought it was really sweet and didn't think it was a misogynistic or paternalistic thing at all--we're just sort of old-fashioned people about sentimental matters and he was trying to be respectful to my family and make them feel included as we forged ahead as a new sub-family. However, we had been talking about marriage for awhile, so the proposal wasn't a total surprise, he felt pretty confident after previous conversations that this would be okay with me, and he also talked to my sister first to see how she thought I would feel about the "blessing-asking". I think everybody's right about only doing this if you can be reasonably sure your fiancee would be on board, and then a phone call to mom would be fine. Otherwise, asking together after the fact would also be a nice gesture. It's good to be respectful to mom as long as you are also being respectful to your (someday!) wife. Congratulations!