How can I support my husband while he sets boundaries with his family?

I mean this as nicely as humanly possible - you are being very rigid. You wanted everyone out the door by 6:45 and they left half an hour later - jeez, for most people that turns into 2 hours, not half an hour. You're entitled to stand your ground, but really, pick your battles. The smoke thing is a battle worth fighting, the Facebook thing is also one - when you or they leave is not so much a big deal (and you and your children will cope; in life, shit happens that you can't control). Flip it around - they want to see you and spend time with you and you're saying, frak off, we've got more important stuff to do - we'll give you x amount of time but that's it. The older sister being immature has really nothing to do with you - she's probably like that with everyone. What can I do to make it easier for him, however slightly? Relax the rules a little. Give a little to his family. Just a little. Stand your ground on major issues (MIL, you have to go outside to smoke or we won't come over), but let go of the smaller ones like needing to leave at a precise, exact time.

I dunno, Seedstitch. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think you're the one being incredibly rude. Your husband is uncomfortable because he is being put in a position where he has to write long drama-filled Facebook messages to his family, where a sweet gesture like a Christmas toast to AN ENGAGEMENT for a wedding in less than a week is being cut short, and where when you leave at 7:15 instead of 6:45, you pitch a fit. I really, really think you need to let this go. Go when you need to, but allow 30 minutes leeway on either side. If you need to leave at 6, tell them you need to leave at 5:30, and be mentally prepared to leave at 6:30. Stop sending long messages about your boundaries and blah blah. All of these people love each other, want to see each other, and care about you and your husband. Don't let the little things get in the way of that. /opinionated rant

I think a lot of the responses here take into account of the posters' own family histories or a lack of experience with anyone passive aggressive, and those are being taken with plenty of salt. This people-who-criticize-me-must-have-their-own-personal-problems attitude you have adopted will not help your husband handle his family and certainly will not help you handle his family. One way of being supportive to your husband is to relax about minor variances in your schedule. You mention that one of the things that led to your husband writing his family the Facebook message is your reaction to your MIL and seeing your face. I understand that you are seeking advice as to how to help your husband through these problems, but your question is really inextricable from the fact that your responses to these family issues impact how your husband feels about his family.

His family has never been tightly scheduled, but we're insisting that we will arrive at X time, stay for Y amount of time, and leave by Z time. This is seen as rude and pushy and is blamed on me. I can see how this approach could come across as rude. Maybe arrival and departure times give you some sense of control but I think you feel out of control here. This seems like classic MIL, daughter-in-law weirdness. This is most likely about jealousy, control, and insecurity. Reading between the lines, it seems like maybe you are whipping yourself into a frenzy over perceived or very minor slights. You're trying to control too much. You probably have some anxiety that has nothing to do with your in-laws. You're feeling very insecure for whatever reason. I think you might be on high alert to find any evidence that these people are against you: His older sister was having a blast being mysterious about what she was up to, even though I had overheard her talking to her mom an hour before about doing the toast, so she didn't give any explanation about why she wanted us to stay. I told her that we'd stay if it really was only a minute, and my husband's mom, without turning to look at me, sighed deeply and said, "SeedStitch, please give a little." It was very clear from her tone that she thought I was being totally out of line. Maybe the sister wan't being mysterious. Maybe you have no idea what she was thinking or doing. Maybe, probably, there is no conspiracy. The MIL should have held her tongue but maybe you do need to give a little. Relax a bit. If the kid isn't screaming, why not stay for the toast? Stay for the toast, be gracious, and say your goodbyes without giving them a time limit? There is a much easier, and loving, way to go about things. I would advise to give your in-laws the benefit of the doubt. Approach them with as much love as possible and take it easy and try to go with the flow. I understand that the smoke is a dealbreaker. (Does MIL smoke outdoors?) As for the rest of the stuff, why not come to terms that some events (like Thanksgiving) are going to be longer days? The fact that they stayed until 11 had probably everything to do with having fun and enjoying family than trying to overstep your boundaries or trying to control you. In the future, I would never, NEVER, send a Facebook message or email about this sort of thing. What's done is done. Maybe the Facebook message will help you in some way but these kinds of things rarely do. They probably had no idea you were so upset. Your MIL's sins are smoking and wanting to spend time with her family. I would caution you to stop trying to look too much into things (Catholic guilt, "the good son" etc.) and stop trying to control every encounter. Stop viewing them as the enemy. You are a grown woman and can leave whenever you want and accept or decline any invitation that comes your way. You don't have to feel controlled if you don't want to. I would suggest on working on your own anxieties and vent about your in-laws to your friends and leave your husband out of this kind of stuff. Your husband sounds like a lovely person, who completely has your back, but this is the kind of stuff that can destroy a marriage. It is in your best interest (and your unborn child, and your foster child) to stop complaining about your in-laws to your husband. They sound like good people with normal flaws. When you complain about them to your husband it stresses him out, makes you look petty and immature, and weakens your relationship. He wants you to be happy because he loves you. He loves his family, too and wants y'all to get along. This is a perfect time to understand your issues surrounding his family, your issues of jealousy, insecurity, and control. You're going to have a long life with these people. It's best for you to get a handle on it now before your baby is born. I know it's not easy. When we get married we think we are going to be in our own little worlds and our parents won't have much influence over our lives. They are a part of your life, they are your family, and you'll have a much happier life if you can calm down and get along. Good luck.

I'm of the opinion that you do what you want to do, and fuck them if they can't take a joke. Who CARES if his family is pissed off and blames you? You're still getting your way and they can think what they want to think. You can't have it both ways. You can't set boundaries for a very intrusive family, AND expect them to like it. Your husband's guilt isn't your responsibility. He'll learn to deal with it. He's still new at this. If you live close by, why not drive two cars to his Mom's. You leave with the kids, and he can stay and please them with his presence if that's an issue. So they huff and roll their eyes. Make a joke of it. "I know, it seems weird to you, but if I don't keep to my schedule, this shit unravels faster than a Wal-Mart Sweater." Then do what you want to do. I think the email was a mistake. There's no reason for it. So your feelings got hurt. Why not address it at the time? MIL: "Just give a little" You: "That's how they get you. Give 'em an inch and they take a mile" Flash shit-eating grin. Be yourself. If you and your husband are happy in the way that you've decided to run your family, then that's how it is. His family can all go jump in a lake. Be assertive, be a bit of an asshole if you want. It feels good sometimes. When your SIL stands in front of you to mess with you, dump the soup down her pants. As for your SIL and her fiance and the cats. That's on them. Not your problem. Now, let's talk about flexibility. Sweetie, I think you'll feel a lot better about things if you're flexible. Stay an extra 15 minutes, hell, plan for that. Don't let your family know that you're arriving at X, staying for Y hours and leaving at Z. Just show up and leave. You're not the president, you don't need a minute-by-minute secret service schedule. If you need to bug out and everyone makes complaining noises, just say, "I wish we could, but BabySeedStich will be howling all night if we don't get her to bed." If you can be a hair more flexible, it will be much easier for everyone when it really is important for you go pack up and ease on down the road.

This seems like you and your husband are looking for support or validation that these people don't want to give. Stop seeking their support or approval (and co-operation!) and the problem dies from lack of fuel. Stop taking the bait each time they chum the waters. Do what you want to do, but drop the guilt, drama, and self-importance. Who cares if anyone makes snide comments or tries to make stuff inconvenient? Ignore them and proceed with whatever you and husband are doing. The letter you sent over FB was ill-conceived, a drama bomb. Your husband and you owe his engaged sister and his entire family who received that FB communication a huge apology. Shit timing on your parts. I hope you can smooth this over before the wedding.

From dinner almost every week to holidays only is a big switch. You have the right to do whatever you want, especially regarding health concerns, but I am not surprised that they are acting (for want of a better word) huffy. Holidays only...plus firm time limits on those occasions when you do come around...would put a bad taste a lot of people's mouths, rightly or wrongly. I second the restaurant idea. But for some families this just isn't the same. It sounds like to them you've become That Person, the First Baby Oh NO We Couldn't Possibly person. Now, in reality, you may be the most mellow person in the whole world, except for these few things. But to THEM you may be That Person. Do you want to be? Is it worth it?

What can I do to make it easier for him, however slightly? Besides stopping complaining about them and creating drama where there is none? I would call the family member who you feel most comfortable with and discuss it and apologize for the letter. And stop trying to convince him that this is in this best interest of your family and what you did was "reasonable and healthy". I'm not sure it is healthy at all. These people are family. Their feelings do matter.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why must more be done? You're fine. Keep doing what you're doing. But, also, no more letters and formal ultimatums. Remember, everyone is responsible for their own relationships. If they don't think their eye-rolling and harrumphing will affect the relationship that they have with you then they are just plain wrong and will need to live with things being frosty. Also, acknowledge that people don't change easily or quickly. You two are changing, not them. It's sad that they're not making a better effort to roll with it but I think you're taking things way too personally. I think you should have responded to the "no Facebook" thing with a big, exaggerated smile and said, "that's right! Thank you for remembering." And then turn away. They don't like that brother is suddenly all special with kids and a wife and special accommodations. Well, tough titty. Y'all need to rise above it. Let some of this shit roll and start turning some of your closer friends into supportive family. Short answer: stop engaging.