Help me define some specific social skills-- which skills are necessary?

Ability to tell when others are uncomfortable. Then there's a whole constellation of skills related to telling why they are uncomfortable, reducing that discomfort, avoiding discomfort in the first place. But if you can't tell that what you're doing is annoying, then you certainly can't fix it. (This is why personal hygiene and dress are usually on the list. You may already know what the basic requirements are, but there are people who are shocked to realize that other people pay attention to their clothes. And plenty of folks who just don't realize they smell bad, or that other people can tell their hair looks greasy, or that they had a lot of garlic with lunch. It's not always a conscious choice to skip behavior X and pay the price; figuring out which behaviors are expected is itself a skill).

I think the key skill is the ability to put other people at ease, so that they feel relaxed, comfortable, and safe with you. (Note--this is not always the desired effect when scoping out future romantic or sexual partners--I'm talking about general social and professional interaction.) Look people in the eye, but not staring them down. Call them by their names, and introduce yourself without being prodded. Asking a personal but non-invasive question (Don't ask someone who stutters if they've always stuttered. Do ask the guy in the motorcycle jacket what kind of bike he prefers--not what he has, because he might just like the look, but asking him what he thinks is cool opens the conversational door.) Rambling usually implies to me that the rambler is concerned about conversational lapses, and can't find a place to pause, and isn't sure how to toss the conversational ball to me. If you have a question, just ask it. You don't need to give the backstory or tee-up the question. If the listener needs more information, he/she can ask for it. But don't speak like you're sending a text--ask if the prof has a sec, as you have a question. Being too deferential is as off-putting as being a blow-hard.

I don't know how to provide measurable ways to achieve the following, but what's apparent is you need to invest a bit more of your social attention to other people, actively. It's good to be perceptive and get on with what you want to do anyway - in the appropriate amount, that is how I got over (publicly, socially) my insecurity. But to get to your anecdote for example, at the end of it all, do you want to care about other people? The key for me is that you have to want to care. When you don't care is when you have no interest in what they might be able to contribute to the conversation. Even in rambling, and lord knows I ramble, the point for me is to involve my fellow conversationalist/listener, or else why do I want to ramble? If it was just to vent or similar, they'd at least know that's the point. If your rambling is of no point, to be blunt (whether it is to contribute to their point, to amuse, to share in a meaningful way), then it's just ego. Everyone gets moments when they feel they're on sufferance of other people's companionship. Other people may want to ramble or at least talk about themselves. Cultivate a sense of compassion and interest. Maybe it's just politeness, but we're all insufferable in our own ways, so it's best to recognise that.

For example, I don't want people to ask me personal questions, or even necessarily to call me by name all the time; I realize this is what others want, but I actually don't want it from others. You say you don't have a problem with empathy or putting yourself in others' shoes, but part of putting yourself in someone's shoes is recognising that they are different to you and adjusting for that. Sometimes I make comments to my Dad about the fortunes of Tottenham Hotspur (eg 'I hear they won a game! You must be happy!') Now, I really don't give two figs for Tottenham Hotspur or any football team or any sports at all, and he knows this, and in fact I don't have much knowledge about the subject and can't say that much on the subject. But I am showing him that I care that his wishes are satisfied even when they are wishes I do not share or even understand. I say basically idiotic things about his football team, and he smiles because he understands that what I'm really telling him is that I care about him in a way that recognises that he is a separate person from me, with his own needs and desires and projects. People will be put off if you don't ever give evidence that you are prepared to put aside your own interests in a conversation. They prefer it if you show at least a little bit of this abstract care for their preferences, and occasionally put their preferences before your own. This isn't because of 'rules', or because they want you to have certain 'skills'. It's because you are sending them signals about whether you are capable about caring for things besides yourself. You need to show that you can do this in a conversation, because otherwise it will be difficult for them to trust you when it's something more serious than a conversation. This isn't something you can really afford to 'give up' on, because it's not really a game. It's a prerequisite for making meaningful connections with people, and also sort of a moral obligation you have as a person who interacts with people.

If you're going to be a teacher, you will need to be aware of this stuff in interactions with students. Here are a few things that come to mind: -Understand and maintain the correct amount of "personal space" for different contexts. -Understand body language and situational cues about whether it is okay to interrupt someone speaking/a group conversation. -Understand body language and situation cues about when it's time for you to stop talking -How to interact with other teachers, superiors, or your peers (junior teachers?) - what kinds of questions can you ask, what kinds of comments can you make without being too personal or frivolous or controversial, where do you eat lunch and with whom, what tasks do you help with or offer to help with, how do you seek and respond to feedback from supervisors Reading students, planning and grading -How to read student signals about whether they have understood what you're saying in a lesson, or are confused. -Understand student signals for boredom, fear, etc. -Figure out if a student is asking for a hint or trying to get you to do the assignment for her; learn how to give her only a hint and get her to do the rest herself -What kinds of feedback are appropriate for different kinds of assignments (for some assignments a full page of comments is too much, for example) -How much can students handle in one lesson before you need to change the activity (eg how much lecturing vs worksheets vs discussion, etc) -What are the social prerequisites for students to have a good discussion? How can you set that tone? -How is your role in checking on small group work different from your role as whole group discussion facilitator? -How to express appropriate interest in a student's life, making them feel as if they count without crossing lines -What is appropriate to share with a student about your own life (hint: very little) Classroom management -Understand how to anticipate trouble - eg students who are restless -Understand how to head off trouble - distracting/redirecting students, splitting up groups, defusing tension, taking someone aside privately, etc. -Understand socially appropriate discipline -Understand what kinds of interventions are likely to backfire (eg because you have gotten into a public contest of wills with a student, or you've backed them into a corner and they can't back down without feeling humiliated)

Actually giving a damn what people have to say. Note that this goes beyond just 'listening' or 'asking questions', which we often just do because that's what we're supposed to do in social situations. If you actually take an interest in a person, and are receptive to what they're trying to tell you, they will pick up on that.

Thanks so far! This has been really useful. I do have to say (specifically about teaching-related skills) I... sort of wonder if I should give up...?? Because I'm nowhere near ready to operate at full capacity with the impressive list of skills a teacher should have, and there's going to be a steep learning curve and I sort of shudder when I think of my students being subjected to me... I guess that's why I said necessary; I gather that what's truly necessary is that the students know I care what they have to say & believe they can do it. At least, I hope that's enough of a foundation. Anyway, I wanted to add/reiterate that the problem is not a lack of ability to put myself into others' shoes (ie, empathy), but may indeed be a lack of desire to put myself 'out there' and thus confront the anxiety of rejection. However, Treat people like you want them to treat you, and everything else should fall in line. I've found this in particular to be a problem, social-skills-wise. For example, I don't want people to ask me personal questions, or even necessarily to call me by name all the time; I realize this is what others want, but I actually don't want it from others. Every time someone asks me what college I went to (for example), I sigh inside; I'm just not that interested in these sorts of details. Ironically, I am interested in others (lack of questioning aside) and am happy to listen-- I just don't like asking, and will work on the personal-but-not-invasive stance.

the specific skills necessary to succeed in college (that is, with professors and/or fellow students) or with professionals in a semi-informal working environment. Maintaining an attitude of openness towards personal interaction. For example, in college, if you are sitting in the lounge casually hanging out or reading, you don't have to greet everyone who walks through the lounge with, "Hello, good to see you. How was your day?" You should, however, display body language that you would be open to being spoken to or answering questions or ok with someone sitting next to you on the couch. Generally, I do know (or 'perceive') that this is how people relate to each other; typically of my attitude, however, I ignore it 'cause I don't find it 'necessary' and have gotten away with depending on others questioning me and/or (preferably) the natural flow of conversation being sufficient. Why are you talking with them if you don't have any interest in them? Because you want to talk about yourself? See, the person you're talking with knows that people like to talk about themselves, so he/she asks you questions about yourself, and you willingly follow along, but you're unwilling to put forth the effort to make the experience enjoyable for the person you're talking to, because while you obviously know people enjoy a chance to talk about themselves, you're unwilling to give them the opportunity to have that enjoyable experience. With professors: rambling is bad. Because talking to you is just a small part of their overall duties. So if you want to speak to them, you need to be direct about what you want to know. They want to tell you what they know. Then they want you to listen to it an acknowledge that you heard them, and then follow up on what they told you. This is a social skill for dealing with professors, because they want to feel like they "did something useful for a student" and that the student "got it," because they don't want to feel like they're talking to a brick wall. A lot of what you describe sounds like a basic inability to put yourself in the place of the other person, do understand what they want, and give them that in a social interaction.... or if you do have that ability, you're ignoring what they want because you feel it is too much effort.

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