Danger, Will Robinson

I am going to take a wild flyer into the deep end and try to guess what is meant by natural gifts. When I was in high school, I was approached by a scout for the Chicago Cubs. Parallel to that, I got an academic scholarship to a big state school to study my preferred field. I was torn between options -- academic scholarship versus Chicago Cubs! Wow! It felt like heady stuff. I talked to some people, and I had a final conversation with the scout. I told him my dilemma and he simply laughed. "Go to college, kid," he said. And he was right. I would've wasted a few years being a minor league nobody. Instead, I got my degree and have enjoyed a good life. The point being...sometimes we create fantasies that don't really exist. The scout was doing nothing more than trying to round up as many big physical left-handers as he could find. Then the franchise would throw them all in a minor league pot to see who developed and shuck away the rest. He certainly was not promising me a path to the Major Leagues. But in my brief delusions, I felt as if I had "natural gifts" as a baseball player. After all, no one else I knew had been contacted by the Cubs! Yet...he was simply rustling up big left-handers with no other thought as to what made me tick as a person. So consider the source of who has complimented your abilities. People can be well-meaning with their encouragement. But being the noteworthy left-hander in a small pond is meaningless when you are thrown into a bigger pond filled with other noteworthy left-handers. Some other "inner light/strength" has to guide you at that point. Anyway, probably totally off-topic, but I was only trying to address the folly of relying too much on other people's perceptions of your "natural gifts".

I was always the sort of person who started something excited and then my interest dwindled (immediately) in the face of the reality of the endeavor. I started every semester thrilled to pick my courses, thrilled to read my text books, thrilled to take notes and do homework, and thrilled to prep for tests and ace all the things. And about two weeks in, I would completely lose interest and go find something else to amuse myself. I always managed to make it out, performing on the upper side of "mediocre" (occasionally on the lower side of "successful"), while putting in the very minimum effort absolutely necessary to do so. But I never excelled. And as I was putting in that minimum effort, I would set my sights on some other adventurous horizon. Amusingly, the things I've accomplished have been the things I did while I was making other plans. While ignoring all my coursework in high school, I managed to become a rather accomplished classical musician. But that was my diversion, not my avocation and so my abilities stalled out somewhere near "talented amateur and bizarrely speedy autodidact." So while I was accepted as a music major in college, it took about a semester for me to abandon that in the face of still competition and search for my "true" calling. While I was flitting from school to school, looking for a major and trying to decide what to be when I grew up, I discovered I had an aptitude for political science. While normal people might then dedicate themselves to the study of political science, I just took a bunch of the classes because I enjoyed them sufficiently and because I didn't have to work very hard for decent grades and it therefore permitted me the opportunity to contemplate whatever other horizons there might be. Suddenly, I managed to major in political science and the horizon became clearer: law school - which I then hated and regretted almost immediately and instead focused on cultivating a relationship. Guess what? Didn't work. The fact is that you can only hop from one "boring" thing to another "boring" thing for so long. The platforms get wobblier. And as you are soaring, Mario-like, through the air, your aim gets poorer and poorer and your legs get tired. And your resolve to complete things gets weaker and weaker, and eventually you land on a platform that isn't at all stable, and you try to leap to something else when suddenly the platform falls away beneath your feet before you've managed to get a good lift-off. You eventually crash when you live like this. You seem to have some heavily romanticized ideas about what New York will bring you, which is a true sign to me that it is probably not what is best for you. You probably can't see it, but what you're essentially suggesting is that you'd like to move from a highly-skilled academic program with its attendant opportunities to hourly wage slavery. If someone said "I would love to go from eating caviar all day to eating dog food!" you'd look at them like they'd just gone insane. But the problem is that the romanticization that goes along with our condition (possibly properly termed "that awful combination of smart, anxious and demanding") prevents you from seeing that as the crazy statement that it is. Instead you get all huffy and say you never liked caviar anyway. And what's so wrong with dog food, the Highly Misunderstood Delicacy. When I stopped running and dug my heels in, and stopped pretending that there was something magical waiting for me over the rainbow, things did get better. A lot better. Do you have an advisor? Have you spoken to your advisor frankly about your chances of successfully finishing this PhD? Ultimately, this may not be your decision to make. You really need to take a good long look at what your options are right now before you start making other plans.

How much longer until the dissertation's finished? Is it not started at all? And how much will it cost you? If you're looking at a fully-funded year of work, there is no reason not to stay and do it. If you're looking at plunking down $20,000 and you're never going to use that doctorate, that's a different story. Can you wrap up with a Master's at the least? Otherwise you've wasted a lot of time and possibly money. I think every graduate student dreams of ditching academia and going to live their life by the ABD stage. At that point in the process the academic world feels like a big pile of shit and the outside world is bright and shiny and full of nights where you can go out without feeling crushed by guilt for not working. If this is the basis of your reason for quitting it's not a good reason.

I left my Ph.D program at the same stage, and it was the best decision I ever made. However, do whatever paperwork or language tests or whatever you'll need to get your terminal Master's degree. It's not squandering anything not to add yourself to the ranks of unemployed and underemployed English professors.

money to move. I have credit card debt (not astronomical levels, but not small amounts either) and very little savings. I can get family to cosign on a lease, so I will be able to rent, but it's going to be tricky. If you can't afford to move, and already have a debt, I think you should try to get to a point where you don't need family members to bail you out - whether that means finishing the PHD, or quitting the PHD and saving up some cash working in your current locale. I mean, if you're old enough to have a divorce and be in a phd, I think you're old enough to pay your way. If you really want it, saving that money to pay down debt - debt that will be hard to repay on bartender salary - and move will be a snap. Forget about natural gifts, pfft. I feel like I've spent half my life swallowing that 'natural gifts' crap, and the other half trying to forget it, ignore it, and concentrate on what really matters. Labor Omnia Vincit, friend: Work conquers all.

You don't mention what area your "natural gifts" are in--but apparently you're in a humanities program and you like to write? Keep in mind that New York has a lot of culture. If you're a writer, you can find other writers, writing groups, etc. Same thing goes for any other art, or even history or other social-sciencey stuff. So you might wind up better off in NY even from the using-your-natural-gifts point of view.

Natural gifts? Not apparent in your question. If they exist, aiming them at a bartending job seems naturally unwise, in a truly gifted fashion. New York or not, you do realize bartending is less a career path then something one does when one has no gifts, natural or otherwise? ABD's are a dime a dozen. If you are that far along, and truly are 'naturally gifted' in some manner, might you not want to employ that natural wealth to finish up something you started. At the very least, Mr. Bartender is less impressive than Dr. Bartender. Here's the real truth, dear man... if you don't finish, you didn't go. Stopping at mile 18 of a marathon means nothing other than you are a quitter or a poor planner. Humanities is harder than it looks, and I (along with many others), defer to folks who have managed to contribute to it with a Ph.D. Natural gifts had nothing to do with you being in the program. Pursuing it did. Hard work did. Luck did not. Follow through for a little while longer is superior, IMO, to regret forever. Good luck. It gets really hard at Mile 18 but Mile 26.2 feels great in a way you can't imagine.

My oldest brother once gave me some sound advice about quitting, "Never quit a thing because it is hard. Quit if it isn't taking you where you want to go, but not because it is hard." There is more and more evidence that there are no natural gifts, only skills developed through deliberate practice (see The Talent Code, and Talent Is Overrated for a good start.) The things you think of as natural gifts are areas you have been willing to spend time improving all on your own. That's a pretty good indicator of where your deep-seated interests lie.

Reading your question I was all set to say, go for it! But then I got the the part about ADD, excitement, and depression. Are you in treatment for any of that? Do you feel like it's successful? Because otherwise I think this may be the excitement part of your roller coaster of excitement and depression. And until it's treated and you feel like you've got a reasonable handle on things, I think you may not be able to make a better go of it somewhere else or in another field; these problems will travel with you. Best of luck in feeling better all of the time.