How to deal with jealousy in a productive manner

I'm really sorry that you're having to deal with all of this. From the outside, it's hard to know how much of what you're feeling is a "you should trust your gut" situation and how much of it is your own insecurities undermining your confidence in your relationship. I will say that if he's drinking abusively and driving irresponsibly and not treating his depression, then he isn't taking very good care of himself. Which isn't just bad for him -- it's bad for you, the person who cares about him and shares his home. It's okay for you to be upset about these things -- they're upsetting! And it's okay for you to feel like they're deal breakers. This, in particular, stood out to me: I keep catastrophizing about this in my head, thinking that I will drive him away forever if I even say anything. If you can actually drive him away by talking to him about behavior that's making you this unhappy, then you're not in a relationship that's worth protecting. You deserve to be with someone who will listen to you when you're upset or concerned, even if it's not pleasant for them, even if it means they may have to change their behavior in a way they aren't thrilled about.

He just got back into town today (we went on separate Christmas trips). We haven't seen each other for a full week... he told me he was going out with the gang before I came home from work. Honey, I don't think I've ever said this on MeFi before and I'm not doing it lightly now but... I think your guy is having an affair, or at least a really focused flirtation. With Sally. Also he sounds like a douche because people who are 32 years old do not stay out drinking until 3 am on a work night and do not blow off work for their hangovers and do not drive drunk. I'd put on your Big Girl Pants and say "Look, you don't seem to be making this relationship a priority. I don't begrudge you a social life with your friends, but I want you to behave as if I come first and I want you to be safe. Neither of those things is happening. Are you looking to get out of this relationship? Because it would be better if you just told me that instead of slowly killing what we have." Also WTF you are not old. I'm 40 and fat and not feeling awesome about my looks and none of that is a good reason for my husband to treat me as anything less than beloved.

but he had his hands in his pockets and wouldn't even hug me until I was like "hey c'mon I want a hug" after hugging him first. Did not even need to read past that. That's guilt. Either something has already happened, or he has decided he's going for it and is "locked in." I'm fat & ugly & This isn't objective reality. This is just how it feels to be in a relationship with someone who seems to be pulling away, no matter what you do. When this particular problem has been resolved, either way, I do not think you will be feeling this way anymore.

wow, I think you are totally right to be suspicious. He's staying out on a work night until 3am, gone every weekend, and spending the holidays apart from you - then not seeming excited to see you when he gets back? And it seems that you are coincidentally never invited to any of these get togethers with his new friends? I'd be beyond minor freakout into major freakout-land. As for "I don't know what kind of reaction you want from me" - well, how about the reassurance that this jealousy is unfounded, that he still loves you and that he recognizes you're upset because he isn't spending much time with you and is going to try to rectify that in the future, either by inviting you along when he goes for fun times or by spending more quality time with just you? I think that would have been a good reaction. It looks to me like your lack of self esteem ("I'm fat, ugly, and don't deserve a relationship this good, and if I say anything critical I'll drive him away") is making you put up with not only suspicious and neglectful behavior, but also general bad judgment i.e. untreated mental illness, the drunk driving, which is unforgivable - he could kill an innocent person doing that, there is no excuse.

In my opinion, this seems a bit like an http://metatalk.metafilter.com/21422/Dating-IS-important#965302. You have a problem "X", you think you can solve it by doing "Y", but you don't know how to do Y so you ask Metafilter how to do it, but actually there may be a much better way to handle X that you can/won't consider. The problem X: your partner... 1) Drinks a lot (yes, binge drinking on work days, skipping work due to hangovers, and drinking parties every weekend, qualifies as a lot). 2) Spends way less time with you than he used to, to a point that makes you uncomfortable or is incompatible with your needs/wants. 3) Was not happy to see you or affectionate after a vacation apart. 4) Talks about and interacts with another woman in a way that has triggered your instincts. 5) Drunk drives (on at least one occasion, which is already way too much). Your proposed solution Y: You learn to love your partner's new lifestyle and support him in all his new fun! Even if his lifestyle is incompatible with yours and makes you sad. My proposed solution is to rethink X: You said "he doesn't want to get married (and I don't push this since things are good between us)." That right there is enough for me to suggest that you DTMFA. Not necessarily because he is a Bad Guy, but because you have already highlighted a major life incomparability. Lets say, for the sake of arguments, that Tom is so amazing that you have decided to give up your desire to marry just to stay with him. If he was prince charming and you were wildly happy with him, I might say that you made a good decision, however, instead you have presented points 1-5. In summery, you are giving up marriage to be with a drunk driver who makes you sad. Maybe not all the time, but enough that you are having to work really hard at being happy and supportive of him. Whether you want to stay with him or not is up to you, but I personally would leave. He isn't treating you so well that he would be worth making that many major sacrifices for.

You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to have expectations and desires and to be unhappy when they're not being met. You are especially allowed to communicate those boundaries and desires without being made to feel insecure or jealous or bitchy (even by yourself!) So what I would do is sit him down and say "I feel I was passed over and really wanted to spend time with you TODAY." It sounds like your discussion about *you* making a priority to spend time with him needs to happen again but with an eye to making things equitable in that regard. And telling him how his behavior makes you feel is part of that. He's not wrong, exactly, to want to know what kind of reaction you want from him, but that reaction should be a behavior change - presumably something along the lines of "I am not comfortable with the mid-week binges and I want to make sure we have couple time scheduled once a week so I feel like our relationship is a priority here" or whatever you actually want. That said, he's going out multiple times a week, driving drunk, and drinking is a "very important priority" for him? I mean, it's possible it's just a phase or a socially-induced thing (I went through a thing where I wanted to spend time with certain people and they drank and so I drank, and when I got out of that social scene I went back to drinking a very moderate amount) but this is classic Problem Drinking and I would be very worried about his health, safety, and future behavior patterns. And look, maybe he doesn't want to be with you any more. It's more than possible, from your description. But not saying anything about it won't change his feelings. The only way to improve things - if there is a way; if he's not just totally checked out of the relationship - is to talk to him about how you feel and what you want and how he feels and what he wants. And, ultimately, you need to decide where your boundaries are - how long you're going to put up with a boyfriend who doesn't seem to want to be around you, who drinks way too much and may very well be sleeping with his coworker.

Some of the social items could be read multiple ways, and I've been the recipient of unwanted Stuff-outpourings from guys in whom I had no interest. Sadly, though, I think you are indeed going to break up soon. Risky, self-destructive drinking would be a deal-breaker for me. If he is alcoholic, you do him no favors by accepting or covering for that behavior. The response to your earlier freakout sounds like straight-up gaslighting to me: I don't believe your boyfriend doesn't see what you're reacting to, but he wants to make you feel crazy and avoid taking responsibility and telling you if things are over. And as for the hands-in-pockets refusal to show you affection, unless you're actively in the middle of a fight, in my experience that kind of gesture is a sign of lost intimacy, secrets and resentment, and the break-up is imminent. If I were in your position, I would initiate a conversation about what wasn't working in the relationship, expecting it to be a breakup talk. It sounds like he's not acting like he's on your team, he's not meeting you half-way on trying to deal with your problems, and there is no magic phrase you could say to him that would change that. Suffering in silence isn't going to make your relationship work again either. The only thing you get to control at this point is how long it drags on and how clean an exit you make. I'm really sorry, I know it sucks. When it's over, walk away with your head held up. Your narrative for yourself should not be "I was too fat" or "I was too ugly" (would you say such hateful things about any of your friends? besides, it sounds like he was the one who changed here). Your story about what happened is: "I was strong. I said what I needed, and I protected myself when a situation had gone bad." And that will be true.

I keep catastrophizing about this in my head, thinking that I will drive him away forever if I even say anything. No one respects desperate love. When a person is desperate and lets herself be humiliated, do you really expect the other person to regret having taken more than his rightful share? It is as if the woman is taking her dignity and letting it fall to the ground. Do you expect the man to bend over, pick it up, and say "Hang onto this! It's important!"?. Relationships are a negotiation. If you want to make a deal no matter what, the other person is free and justified in taking the whole pie. Ask yourself what's fair, demand that, and be prepared to say goodbye. Even if you lose the relationship, you'll keep your dignity. It is better to die standing than on your knees. Also, it is silly to have a desire and then suggest that you don't deserve to have it met. Your desire for love entitles you to demand it.

Also: You don't feel good being with him. You're 40 and he's having emo experiences w/ Sally. I can't think of a more exasperating and anxiety producing situation at 40. You aren't 25 and you're a mature and experienced person. Now is when you're supposed to enjoy your life, not babysit a guy who can't commit and goes on about Sally and makes you feel like you're ugly and not fun. Get rid of all the noise and go enjoy yourself.