Me or relationship.

I would respond by dumping him with as much enthusiasm and confidence as possible.

we discussed most of this and have decided to a: limit alcohol drastically, be nicer and more respectful to each other. I will take control of my life here and find something that I want to do. He will try to stop looking and flirting with other women I'd have another conversation where you tell him that upon reflection your agreement must change. If both of you want to save your relationship then you must both make it a priority. The specifics are up to you but things I would suggest are: -Eliminating alcohol entirely, it can be something to go back to in moderation when things are stable. -Being nicer and respectful is the baseline of how you treat strangers - even rude strangers - you deserve better than that as an expectation from both of you. -Make it both your goals to have 100% positive interactions, do five things a day that makes the other person feel loved. -Figure out what you want to change about your life and do it. There should be no expectation that you earn money right now because you both choose for you to be the trailing spouse. Have joint say over the money together and use some of it to invest in you. The ultimate goal would to have a fulfilling career but it can take a year or more to get the right fit so you both need to have realistic expectations and be supportive of that end goal over the long term. -"he will try to stop looking and flirting..."? There is no try, only do. No only will he immediately stop looking/flirting (and then not sharing that info with you just to give you a few kicks when you are down...) but he will not allow himself to be in any situations where that is possible; he can hold off on hanging with the single guys till things are stable with you both. How he reacts to a discussion that is no longer about how crappy a girlfriend you are and actually holds him accountable for his actions will tell you all you need to know about his character, and how much of a priority you, and this relationship, is for him. I'd have plan b (Dr Sidhedevil) in my back pocket if I were you.

He sounds a lot like my ex, who slipped into a verbally abusive personality, undermined my self-confidence and sense of self worth, and then blamed me for "driving him to cheat," and then told me over and over about all the times I'd said or done something and how it had affected him and made him respect me less and like him less, and how he didn't think I'd be a good wife or mom because of what a terrible person I was. It started slow. I thought it was my issues and something for me to work on. It wasn't. But it took the issues I did have and added so many new issues that it screwed up my head for years. I wish someone had told me to get out in the early stages. But no, I loved him, and love conquers all. So my advice: It doesn't matter how much you love him. It doesn't matter if you're afraid of being alone or lonely or miserable without him or that you'll never find another guy. It is only going to get worse, and you're better off alone than you are with this guy.

Yeah, I'm with RainyJay. If he'd approached this with 'Hey, hon, let's talk about why we're drifting apart and what we can do to fix things', that'd be one thing. This is a whole 'nother ball of wax. 'Thanks for following me here so I can pursue my career but now that your career is tanking and your confidence is shaken as a result, I'm not so turned on by you. But because I'm a great guy, I'll try to stop flirting with other women 'til you sort your shit out, 'kay'? Er, no. Not okay at all. I'm not going to say DTMFA, because I don't think you're at that point yet. But I think that's where this is going. Get your ducks in a row and focus on YOURSELF, either back home or where you are, because this dude does not have your back the way he should, and he does not get how partnerships work.

I could've written this question, a few months ago. I could've, and I almost did. I tried to work on myself within the relationship. The relationship finally ended; now I'm just working on myself. You can try to fix your own problems, and you can fix how you approach the relationship, but you cannot change how he responds to you. You deserve better than this, better than someone who tells you that you're not confident enough to be attractive but that he'll try to stop flirting with other women. If I were you, I would leave.

To me, "yet" sounds like a threat. Like a plan he hasn't quite carried out. He's framing his cheating on you as inevitable. I'm not sure how one can expect their partner to become more confident following these words. Yes, you've gone through a huge change in your relationship (moving in together after a long time spent with somewhat infrequent contact) and that can be trying on a relationship. Yes, it would probably be best if you found work/something else to occupy your time and make you happy. Yes, you should both limit your alcohol. But from where I'm standing, that "yet" says a lot. Seconding RainyJay. I would leave.

So basically he's making it your fault he's attracted to other women and then is blackmailing you by saying he hasn't slept with any of them. . .yet. Show him, and yourself some confidence and dump his ass and go back home. Honestly it sounds like to me he is setting himself up to leave you at some point, he may not realize it yet but by making it all your fault the relationship isn't working he is giving himself an out at a later date when he wants to go and he can remain guilt free about it in his head. He drags you to a new town where you don't have a job and then whines because you don't have a job. He made you dependent and then grumbles you are dependant on him, he's setting you the relationship up to fail and using your guilt to do it.

He will try to stop looking and flirting with other women "I will try" is only acceptable if you're willing to forgive failure. Like "I will try to get opening-night tickets to that show you really want to see" or "I will try not to vomit on the plane even though it's a bumpy flight and I have gastroenteritis." Your guy is saying "I will try to meet the absolute bare minimum standard of a committed relationship." You wouldn't keep driving that old car if it only "tried" to accelerate or brake, would you? This guy sounds like the sort of person who says things like "well, one thing led to another and before I knew it I was cheating! It just happened! I couldn't help it!" In other words, someone who deliberately avoids taking responsibility for his actions. I'm not sure I'd leap to DTMFA, but this relationship will fail if he doesn't change.

I took from what he said is that a: he is attracted to confidence b: I am not confident enough c: our sex life has declined due to a decline in his sex drive but also that he cannot ‘perform’ unless he feels emotionally connected (which he obviously is not right now) d: he is attracted to confident women and actively looks and flirts with them “that is all that has happened yet” So you're supposed to feel super confident after he tells you THAT????? He's setting this up so that its your fault if he cheats, because he warned you. I wouldn't continue in this relationship. There is much better out there, and you sound really sweet. Please make plans to start over. Just think about it.