relationships + college + work + ADD = bad news

when I return from classes/work, it's been at least 8 hours, I nap for a bit before starting my assignments. I'm a little concerned about this. If 8 hours of work and school make you tired enough to require a nap in the evenings, I think that's unusual and worth looking into as a possible issue. How's your sleep in general? Because inadequate rest can really, really exacerbate ADD and disrupt all kinds of things in your life.

There is give and take in all relationships, is it balanced in yours? It sounds like housework is a bigger "take" on your side, do you then "give" more in terms of finances or in some other way? If you can't handle it all then you must reduce your responsibilities instead of expecting your SO to pickup the responsibilities you are ignoring. Make a plan for what you will drop without adding to your SO's load (so don't quit your job in order to do more housework and then expect to pay less rent). Maybe your relationship would be better if you moved out and tried again when you have a bit more stability and less opportunity to lean on your SO as much.

I am in a similar boat (28 hrs/week work, school, lots of commute time, ADHD) and, honestly, purlguy just accepts that he will do more housework than I do. My main responsibility is to prep dinner and leftovers at least 5/7 evenings/week. We both acknowledge that my schedule would be difficult enough for someone *without* ADHD to manage. Purlguy says that he is okay as long as he can see that I'm trying my best, and following through on promises (he would rather that I limit my commitments to him and actually follow through, as opposed to promising more that I won't necessarily be able to do). Feel free to memail if you want.

"Get a checklist. Mutually agree on the checklist. Do the checklist." Just wanted to point out that a checklist is not always useful. I've tried using them several times in the past and even with a list on hand, I eventually end up getting sidetracked and not doing what I should: which also means that when I go back to the checklist, I have spent too much time doing something else and don't have enough time to finish my proper tasks.

There's some language here that suggests you think your ADHD means you're not responsible for your actions: "irresponsible for my actions," and "lost my SO trust because of an impulsive action that occurred." (I would be really curious to know about this trust-losing episode especially, because you can't possibly blame making out with a stranger at a bar on your ADHD. On the other hand, if your SO "lost trust" because you forgot to take out the recycling, then your SO is a jerk and that is the real issue here.) First, if I were your SO, that would bother me. It isn't accurate. The issue is that your ADHD makes certain things more difficult, not that it is responsible for your actions. If I were your SO, this attitude would bug me as much or more than you not getting your share of the household stuff done. Second, it's an unproductive attitude. Yes, you are more likely to be forgetful and lose focus. But by shifting the responsibility for your actions outside of yourself, you make it easier to not do things -- and to not even try to do things.

One small thing that can end up being very helpful is simply setting a timer for just 15 minutes--no matter how busy you are, you can probably find 15 minutes--and spending that whole 15 minutes cleaning. Just do one thing at a time. It seems so tiny, but it really will make a huge difference. You can empty a dishwasher and fold a load of clothes in fifteen minutes. You can sweep and mop a kitchen in fifteen minutes. You can clean a litter box, take out the trash, and get rid of some nasty fridge leftovers in fifteen minutes. This helps with a problem that I have (and I am also ADHD and think this is related) where in my head things like household chores can become CLEANING THE WHOLE HOUSE or doing homework can be LEARNING ALL THE THINGS EVER rather than just one simple task after another. Seriously, fifteen minutes. Don't spend so much time processing this and thinking about it. Just find simple ways to step up and do more stuff around the house to make things better between y'all.

Even without ADD, if you have 35 hours a week of just work + class, plus they say that you should expect at least two hours of outside-of-class work for every hour you're in class so we'll say that's another 30 hours for a standard 15 credits, essentially you are "working" a 65 hour week, and it is not normal or reasonable to expect to work a 65 hour week plus do half of an ordinary household's housework very well. It is also not, however, really normal or reasonable to expect a SO who is either also a full-time student or working full time to do *more* than half an ordinary household's housework. Consider, at that point, figuring out ways to cut down the quantity of time you both are expected to spend on it. Usually this is going to cost some money, although through careful shopping and a bit of ingenuity it doesn't have to be a lot more money. Plan for dinners that don't need prep time. Buy a dishwasher if you don't have one--start using paper plates if you have to! If the money can be diverted from anywhere at all, find someone to come in and do deeper cleaning every couple weeks. Your brain might make it harder to get stuff done, but you're in a situation where it would already be tough, and reducing the actual workload is the one thing you can do where you *know* your SO will never have to do more to compensate. Sometimes it requires thinking less about "how can I get over this hill" than "how can I get around it".

Is your SO working as much as you do (college or otherwise) and are you doing as much as he does (and vice-versa, is he matching your housework)? Honestly, it's hard to tell from your OP, but as long as the house is being cleaned at all (that is, you're not a slob), then he ought to cut you some slack. Even without ADHD, full time studying plus part time working can be very stressing to say the least, so have you tried to explain this to him?

Get a checklist. Mutually agree on the checklist. Do the checklist. Can't really make any internal or external excuses then.