How can I get my dating life started again

OK, I'm gonna be brutally honest here because it's what you need and you said you wanted practical: - First: tl;dr, dude, tl;dr. I got tired just reading through this entire thing, and I suspect this comes out in your messages. It also comes off a bit formal, a bit stuffy. And this is going to really suck to hear, but in a dating situation, formal and stuffy comes off as creepy. - For instance, this is creepy, right here: "I search group after group looking at the people who RSVP and I don't see any young single women." I mean, I'm on record as not really liking Meetup, but the site doesn't exist to troll for singles. It exists, in theory, to get together with people who have similar hobbies. - If you want to meet people in NYC, Long Island is a liability. Sorry. It is. I'm not even talking about the douches who won't date outside Manhattan or Williamsburg, I'm talking about the LIRR sucking ass to use if you're gonna get to dates, get to people's apartments (which is the end goal, no?). I don't know how much you're paying, but there are quiet NYC neighborhoods too with cheapish rents. - What's your job? I probably work 60 hours a week, and I've still got free time. This is probably the crux of the issue right here. I struggle with this myself, because my job and my biggest hobby are now the same, but if you seem like you're a workaholic or that you have no hobbies outside work, lots of people see this as an issue. - Good luck. Dating sucks for everyone except, I dunno, Benedict Cumberbatch. You're 25, you have plenty of time.

I didn't have the patience to read the whole thing, but I wanted to share with you my extremely negative reaction to the following: "I think soul mates and true love comes after you've put yourself out there, dated a few times and sifted through the dirt and find the gold left behind. " YOWZA. People that you date that you don't end up feeling are your one true love ARE NOT "dirt". If this attitude even slightly comes through in your interactions with potential dates, you are going to put people off. Please have a serious sit-down chat with yourself on valuing other human beings you date who don't happen to be a perfect match for you.

Move to the city, if that's a possibility. When I was dating, Long Island guys were summarily rejected as too far away. Meetup groups in the city will have more women your age.

You've already gotten some good advice, so I'll focus on something I don't think anyone else has mentioned. You rate yourself as a 6/10. I think that might be part of your problem--your self-assessment is critical. I think you need to get to a place where you think of yourself as good-looking. I'd suggest working on your self-esteem and confidence (but that's the theoretical and emotional advice you didn't want). My practical advice is to make the best of what you have to make the best possible impression in the little time you have. Assess your haircut (Is it stylish? Perhaps try a hair salon with a great reputation for serving good-looking young men. Check Yelp reviews). Assess your wardrobe. (Is everything in great condition? Does it fit well? Stylish? Would it attract the kind of ladies you're looking to date? If not, look in AskMe archives for men's fashion advice or ask another question next week.) Do you work out? If not, I'd try it. I'm not suggesting that you be a certain size or have a specific body type (I'm very fat-positive), but for a lot of people it builds self-confidence and makes them feel better about themselves. You might meet someone at a gym, but I wouldn't put a lot of effort into it--it can come across as very creepy. Have you been to the dentist lately? Make sure you're taking care of any dental issues, so that you don't have bad breath. Do you take care of yourself in general? Are you well-groomed? Do you have flaky skin, acne, patchy facial hair, ragged fingernails? Assess yourself. Put some effort into grooming yourself, if you don't already. Some of this might seem ridiculous. Maybe you're doing it already, or don't see the importance of these things... but when you emphasize how little time you have to meet people, then you are going to have to focus on making a good impression of those you do meet.

"I am very busy I work a 60 hour work week and I the little I do have I need to spend it wisely in pursuit of what I want." Multitask. Pursue what you want, but pursue more than one want at a time. If you enjoy running, join a running club where you will meet women who also enjoy running. If your most favorite thing is sitting at a coffee shop reading a paper then look for coffee shops where young women go. Your time is valuable. Use it efficiently. Don't worry too much about not being photogenic. You want to keep yourself as healthy and tidy as possible but aside from that, looks aren't that important to women. The fact that you have a career at 25 is very sexy. Women like men who are focused and ambitious. You didn't mention anything about church. You may not find a woman your age there but their moms will be there. A single man, with a job, who goes to church, is exactly what these ladies are looking for for their daughters.

Go and do activities that are filled with mostly women. These should be recurring activities where the same group meets regularly so that you can get to know people slowly, and it won't be as hard for you being shy. Here are some activities off the top of my head that are filled with mostly women: -Volunteering at animal shelters or rescues. Especially volunteering with the cats. Pit bull rescues are the only thing in this category that seem to have more men. -Yoga classes -Cooking classes -Gardening classes -Knitting classes and knitting clubs -General craftmaking classes and clubs -Book clubs. Especially feminist book clubs will have mostly women. -Anything to do with activism around gay rights will have way fewer straight men involved than straight women, and there are usually a lot of straight women. -Church groups. Lot of churches these days skew older but make a post on Yelp seeking a church in your area that has a lot of young people, you'll find one. -Volunteering with children. Big Brothers/Big Sisters seems to always have a deficit of Big Brothers. Do not go to these activities and start blatantly hitting on people. Pick one that you have or can muster some genuine interest in. Let friendships start forming naturally.

I'm in your target demographic, and I'm sorry, but I would not date a guy who lives on Long Island sight unseen. It's nothing against Long Islanders, it's the fact that you would end up staying at my apartment all the time, or worse, eventually pressuring me to commute to yours. If you already have such an easy commute to the city, I really would suggest exploring moving to the city and doing a reverse commute to work.

You keep using words like "strategy." I get it. You're a career-driven guy, it's in your nature to come up with a strategy to meet and date as many women as possible in the most efficient way possible. You don't want to waste your time. Here's the thing: a lot of dating is wasting time, and it's not as bad a thing as you make it out to be. I don't want to make a generalization here, but you're looking for something a little offbeat - you want a relationship, not just sex, but you're not looking for a soulmate, you just want to date a lot. For most people, the purpose of dating, as in, being in a relationship, is a means to an end; you're looking for someone you could spend your life with, and dating is the process by which you figure out with whom. You summed up your belief about dating very succinctly: you think that everyone you date, save one special person who may or may not be in your future, is dirt. Dirt. You said it, and I think you believe it. Cut that shit out now. The fact that you're looking for something offbeat means that you're going to have a harder time finding a women who wants that from you. Your best quality, from what I gather from your tl;dr question, is that you are career-driven and successful. Women (often) love that! You can find plenty of women who want to casually date and/or hook up with a successful guy because you are a meal ticket, and there are also plenty of women who see your success and think "marriage material." If you don't want the former and you don't want the latter... you're going to come up short. You absolutely have to disconnect dating with being happy or fulfilled. It sounds like having a girlfriend is something you want to check off a list, like you are frustrated that you've followed all the instructions in the manual and it's still not happening. It might have worked that way in your frat, and it might work that way at your job, but it doesn't work that way with the rest of your life. Are you always and forever going to work 60-hour weeks? Because frankly, now seems like a great time to stop trying to tie dating into your time-efficiency model. Work your 60 hours, and use your free time to pursue things you enjoy... which you do not mention at all as above. I have no clue what you enjoy. If you don't enjoy anything, pick up a hobby. Spend your spare time enjoying it. Become a person whose work does not define him and whose quest for efficiency does not consume him. Think about dating later, in a few years. You have plenty of time.

DON'T think of yourself as a 6/10-- it's good to be realistic, but you don't sound like you're trawling for supermodels. There are too many factors inherent in attraction to put a number on yourself. Plus, confidence goes a long way. If you are a decent looking guy with a career who grooms properly, you are a good catch. I would respond well to a sane-looking man who approached me in a bookstore or coffee shop. The nice thing about this is you can practice and it's pretty low-risk-- you can just seem like a stranger making conversation, and you probably won't see the women you talk to ever again (unless it goes somewhere). I am a shy woman who has had several relationships, and they all began by meeting someone in a group who I had initial chemistry with. I agree with you that sex and thoughts of "the one" don't need to enter into it right away, but finding someone who shares your interests at a meet-up or book club or something will start things out on the right foot. If "spark" never happens for you, try to approach women who seem likable to you, and see if conversation comes easily. It won't help you game them or whatever, but there's no such thing as "friend zone." Please don't rely on a PUA book. I don't doubt that they work, but I can't help but think that it will subtly poison the way you think about relationships, and it will be harder to find someone you're compatible with if you're working from a set of axioms that have nothing to do with how you naturally feel about dating. If you do buy one, please look for one that is on the less offensive side. (Before I am accused of ignorance, I have read many of these books and the majority of them were repugnant.) I will boil down the most useful info for you: be prepared to fail, and don't feel intimidated. The good stuff is all about self-confidence and the knowledge that no one woman should make you feel desperate. The bad stuff will make you dishonest and a less interesting person. "The problem with being a pickup artist is that there are concepts like sincerity, genuineness, trust and connection that are important to women. And all the techniques that are so effective in beginning a relationship violate every principle necessary to maintaining one." - Neil Strauss, reporter & pick-up artist who wrote a (fairly gentle) exposé on PUA culture.