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Is finding other guys attractive while in a relationship bad?

Just all around confused about my relationship

  • Really, totally confused about my relationship. Suddenly, I've lost all desire to see her, and I don't know why. I honestly don't. I would really appreciate any insight. I'm just lost. I'm having an extremely difficult time articulating my question, let alone even a brief synopsis of my relationship. So please forgive me for going all-out bullet points here: -We've been together for two years. The first 1.5 years were awesome. The last .5 have been alright. Namely, the past .25 have been terrible. -She's great. She's beautiful, loving, she's funny, she understands me well. I love her so much. She hasn't changed a bit over the course of our relationship, and she's like a best bud to me. -For some reason, I lost all desire to be with her at around the beginning of last December. I really don't know why. One day, she came to visit for the weekend, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with an intense aversion to spend time together. Like, within minutes of her arrival. I wanted to be alone. I felt trapped, stuck, and I didn't find her sexually appealing at all. Kissing her, hugging her, our bodies felt magnetically repellent. -As time has gone on, new feelings have sprung up: a sense of "guilt" for "leading her on"; a feeling of alienation around her family, who I normally got along with famously; an increased desire to be "my own person," to be psychologically "free," to not have to think of anyone but myself; a loss of desire to do most of the things we liked to do together; a feeling of non-interest in all of the things we are mutually interested in; an awkwardness around our mutual friends. -The odd thing is, I vividly remember looking forward to seeing her just a few days prior to that fateful visit. I really, really missed her. I was really, really excited to spend time together. Hell, I even planned a number of things for us to do, I wanted it to be fun and special. That's how utterly foreign and unexpected my feelings of non-attraction were to me. And that's why in the previous bullet point I put all of those words in scare quotes. All of these feelings have taken me completely by surprise. I don't understand where they are coming from or why. -Despite feeling trapped and stuck, she's actually very easy going and never tries to control me. We're both largely independent of each other, and don't mind going for long periods of time without our seeing or talking to one other. It's been a very relaxed and comfortable relationship. As I mentioned before, she's like my best bud. We don't get jealous or insecure or controlling or needy. We just chill and have fun when we have the time and opportunity to be together. -But ever since that one weekend, I have either dreaded spending time together, or felt unmotivated and dispassionate altogether about seeing her. I don't really find her attractive anymore, although I still know in an objective sense that she is physically beautiful. When we kiss, I feel like I am kissing out of friendship and compassion, rather than passion and sexual hunger. As if I'm kissing a family member. I have a very hard time finding things to talk about. This is mostly because I am just not interested in talking anymore. -She is still deeply in love with me. -I have some loose theory as to what's happened. We're both recent college graduates. I feel like our relationship always emphasized leisure, humor and fun. When we were in school, the time we spent chilling and relaxing always provided great counterbalance to the stress and rigor of hardcore studying and homework. Now that school's over, the challenge and stress factor in my life has been reduced to almost nil. Which means that the leisure and fun in our relationship have lost some of its substance, taking on the aspect of inertia. But I usually like inertia. I don't get bored easily. I like being comfortable. So I'm skeptical of this line of argument, though I'm open to it. -I really don't know what else to say to explain my feelings. I feel like I am forcing myself to come up with false reasons for why the relationship has gone sour. It's much easier for me to give reasons for why I should stay together with her, and to list all the attributes I admire and love in her. We've never had a fight, we don't get on each other's nerves. We're open and honest and comfortable around each other. We had very common interests and desires, up until they all inexplicably went up in smoke last December. But the feelings are no longer there. -I find myself increasingly attracted to random other women. -I've never really understood the concept that relationships take "hard work." I've always felt that if people are right for each other, there isn't a self-conscious effort to keep the love and attraction alive. But she is really my best friend. She's the person I care most about in my life. Sometimes, I feel her unhappiness more sharply than my own. I trust no one more than her. We've had such a good run for almost the entirety of our being together, I feel like I should make *some* sort of effort to keep this thing alive, to keep each other in our life. But I don't know what to do. And I don't know if my feelings of sudden non-attraction could be attributed to factors outside our relationship. -I'm leaning very close to breaking up, very soon. But a big part of me is terrified that I'm throwing it all away prematurely. -Which brings me here: have you guys ever been blind-sighted by your own feelings of non-attraction? What do you think it told you about your relationship? What did you do about it? Any experiences, insights, and such would be greatly, greatly appreciated.

  • Answer:

    Aw, man, this sounds an awful like the dissolution of my first long-term relationship, right around the same age. She was my best bud, for sure, and we lived together and were great roommates, but I just... stopped feeling it. And started feeling it for other people in a way I hadn't before. We broke up, in not the best possible way, but without a huge massive amount of drama, and it was really the best choice. We mutually agreed to avoid the hell out of one another for six months, and then slowly resumed contact. This was ten years ago. We're still best buds. But neither one of us, I think, has the least desire for any romance between us anymore. That was the part of our relationship that worked the least well, and dropping it only helped us. Now, this may not be your situation. You may have other things going on. How's the rest of your life? Still enjoying your hobbies? Feeling pretty good? If not - if everything, not just your relationship, has gone sort of flat, you may want to hold off major life decisions while you sort out your headspace. But if everything else is cruising along and you're generally feeling happy and fulfilled, then... yeah, it may be time to think about ending the romantic part of your relationship.

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It sounds like the beginning of depression which would coincide with losing the structure and purpose of school. How are you doing these days?

the young rope-rider

accepting that our feelings play tricks on us Yes! Sometimes I wonder in situations like this how much our feelings for another person are a matter of luck. For example maybe the OP was in a weird mood when his girlfriend came to visit that time, which caused him to feel detached. But what might have been a passing mood was solidified in his brain by mulling over it, feeling guilty, wringing his hands, retracing the same neural pathways until he couldn't get unstuck and it was a permanent change in his feelings. Had he been in a better mood that day when he visited maybe none of this would have happened at all. Feelings are weird.

timsneezed

Hi, as a therapist, I would say nothing in your post made me think of attachment disorder, and certainly no permutation of reactive attachment disorder. People don't seem to know what that is, but it's certainly not what you describe. It's a very severe childhood condition that's considered a precursor to psychopathy. Please disregard that post.

namesarehard

We're both largely independent of each other, and don't mind going for long periods of time without our seeing or talking to one other. I think it's really impossible for most people to keep a close relationship in good shape while this is the mindset and behavior. You have to be together physically and/or emotionally and communicate intimately or else the whole thing will fizzle. After the infatuation dies, there is nothing left. Also, I don't think this sounds like the typical "settling into deeper companionship after early-stage infatuation". It's more than that. Really, it's over, your mind and body say so. Something for you to consider: was she *really* in your life because you didn't want to be single during college and/or she was the best you felt you could get at the time? Maybe you *never* liked her quite as much as you thought, and if school hadn't been a factor she wouldn't ever have been your gf. Also, maybe you like the idea of a SO as a convenience, rather than a partner, and this is your way of reinforcing it. Not sure. Attachment issues? Only you can tell. And, hell, maybe your subconscious just mulled it over and pulled the plug. It happens.

devymetal

Nthing that this sounds like depression, although that is not mutually exclusive with needing to break up with your girlfriend (both could be true).

downing street memo

Things cannot -- and should not -- always be so chill. Not having any fights isn't a sign of things going well; it means you haven't achieved meaningful intimacy or taken emotional risks. Maybe one or both of you held back for a good reason. But be watchful of this tendency in future relationships. Nobody can tell from reading your post that you have attachment disorder. IANAD but attachment disorder is a specific condition caused by childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. You are obviously not feeling attached to your girlfriend right now but that is well within the bounds of emotional health. In fact, growing out of someone (or out of a limited relationship) is a sign that you are growing emotionally. Above all, trust yourself. I think your soul is trying to get an important message through here.

gentian

I've felt that before, and I'm sure my wife has felt that way toward me many times over the years. Being in a life-long relationship is about behaving lovingly even when you don't feel the love, accepting that our feelings play tricks on us, put us in jeopardy, determining to behave with constant love and affection for the rest of your life, not allowing feelings to determine whether or not you will stay. There are many advantages to committing to a life-long relationship, but it isn't for everyone.

jwhite1979

It concerns me that you never had a problem not being in contact for long periods of time, even before your feelings changed

roomthreeseventeen

I'm going to take a different tack and advise you not to make any sudden decisions. This could be a hormonal issue with your histocompatibility. Has your girlfriend started the Pill recently? If so, her hormonal profile could have changed to one you find less pheromonally attractive. If that's not the case, I would still say wait it out. It could be depression or even something hormonal with you. You could end up making a decision you ultimately regret. It's only been three months since you started feeling this way, and you have nearly two years of not feeling that way. It seems like such a sudden change, and that is highly unusual. I'm not sure I'd write it off as the normal waning of limerence. Explore all the physical reasons this might be happening first. If it were me, I would give it at least another three months.

xenophile

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