Give up career for life abroad following spouse?

The State Department's list of required reading includes Patricia Linderman's http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0595250777/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/. You may even have been given a copy after you passed the Oral. I highly recommend her book as well as her website, Tales from a Small Planet (talesmag.com). I say go for it, and use the time to think about your relationship. For A100, you'll be in DC for at least three months until you get your commission, followed by training in your specific cone, and then it's completely likely you'll remain in DC for language training for another three to six months. He can easily continue school and join you on holidays, as your cone training (particularly for Consular) will not be all that time consuming. That gives him a full year to consider it, be introduced to the other spouses, and maybe get used to the idea. As for career options, with a law background, he'll have plenty of options within the Embassy, depending on the location of your first post. You'll also have the option to take your first tour as an unaccompanied hardship tour which means you'll be compensated extra should he wish to stay in the states a bit longer. Heck, you might even meet someone, uh, more your style and end up doing tandem careers all over the world. He'd be a nut not to go, but it's good for him to understand that marrying you is the equivalent of marrying a lifestyle. An exciting lifestyle, but not necessarily one that suits everyone. Seriously, take the job.

First time around I thought this was a woman trailing-spouse, and I had really specific advice. Then I realized the trailing spouse in question was a man, and I decided I should still give the advice. While people should make sacrifices and plans to build a life together, each partner should ensure that they have the ability to flourish outside the partnership. The FSO life is very specific, and it is hard to guess if a person will like it or not. If they have not enjoyed foreign travel, they probably won't. If there are machismo issues, probably not. Some people who think they will love it hate it, and some people who were on the fence really enjoy it. It is also totally dependent on the FSO's actual job situation and overall satisfaction, and the post in question. If law school is truly what you wanted for yourself, you should do that too, possibly abroad. Between A-100 and language training, you can probably do a big chunk of this in DC. If law school was just something to do, then find another something to do, and just do it abroad. It is completely impossible for a trailing spouse to build what would generally be considered a career. You can build what *you* consider to be a career. There are jobs on-post for trailing spouses. These are often lower-level and underpaid. There are other agencies, and also opportunities to teach, or develop a web-based career or freelance career. You will be apart sometimes. The FSO will do rotations in DC at a desk. You need to construct a career plan that can withstand all of these. The most useful resource I've found is the http://www.afsa.org/ which published the Foreign Service Journal. This is the association for FSO's. You get a really good sense of what the current concerns are for the FSO's and trailing spouse employment is a big one. There are also some blogs from trailing spouses. I enjoyed http://fshusband.livejournal.com/ from a trailing husband who was happy to trail, and works for Starbucks when he can. The AFSA site has others. http://www.talesmag.com/rprweb/home.shtml is an important read. You can usually get the post list for the past few A-100 classes (those who pass the orals can get on the Yahoogroup which often has this info), see what the options were for your spouse's cone and languages, and then look up those posts and realistically see if you could live there and work there.

Trailing spouses are happy when they find fulfilling work in the country where they are posted. They are more likely to find that work if they have a relevant degree and some work experience. Therefore, under any circumstances - even if it means some long-distance time or degree by email - he should finish his law degree. Otherwise you risk a husband sitting around the house in cambodia or kinshasa or kyrgyzstan who resents that he gave up his education to follow you around. That's not fun for anyone.

My parents weren't in foreign service, but they went through something similar. Dad was recruited by the Malaysian Government some 30 years ago as a civil engineer, and Mum, who had a budding radio career in Bangladesh, gave that up and followed him. They meant to be in Malaysia temporarily, but with all the political upheavals and Dad being highly in demand, they've been here ever since. Mum does tend to go on and on sometimes about how if she'd stay on in radio she'd be in BBC or CNN or some other really famous news channel by now. She was quite well known in Dhaka; people remember her still (I met a couple of people from a Bangladeshi radio NGO who remembered her; one was a friend of her ex-boss). When she came to Malaysia, she was on a dependent's pass, which meant she couldn't work. This really cramped her style. While she had a young child to take care of (my elder sister; I didn't appear until 11 years later), she still longed to be productive. She did work insurance for a little bit but didn't enjoy it. She took a correspondence interior design course, which she enjoyed to bits. Recently she helped my dad (who moved on to property development) head the interior decoration and design of their house, and it was the happiest I've seen her in a long time. Mum does have major Empty Nest Syndrome though, and on one part I don't blame her - my dad went to Turkey for 3 years for a degree literally the week after they got married, and she did end up moving from all her family. I think she's projecting the media fame on me somewhat since I also have an interest and aptitude for it. How do you two function without each other? Are you able to live your own lives or do you feel like you absolutely cannot live without the other? How does Mrs Lockstockbarrel feel about being separated from her fiance? I'm going through a similar dilemma myself with my partner. I may have to leave him behind in Australia while I spend 3 years in Denmark for school. Our relationship is semi-long-distance anyway (we go back to our respective countries during summer break) but unlike me, he isn't really interested in moving anywhere; he loves Australia too much (he loves Denmark to death too, but he's more of a homeboy). He respects and encourages my decision to pursue Denmark, and I really want to take up the opportunity as it would be a great learning experience and will help me further my life goals, but it almost seems like I have to choose between the two - him or Denmark. He isn't making me choose; he wants me to go with what makes him happy. But argh, so hard. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. I hope my family's anecdotes help somewhat. Communication is key; my parents didn't have a lot of that (still don't) but my boyfriend and I are really really working on it. Hope it works out for you.

I haven't seen it mentioned, so have you considered that you can always do a long-distance degree? Although you might think of them as useless, there are real degrees available. My mother was an (Australian) foreign service spouse for 15 years overseas, and completed a couple of degrees (Economics and then Financial Planning certification, I think) through regular Australian universities, which meant that when we settled in Australia she hadn't worked for a while, but did have recent qualifications which led to a pretty good job.

To the current Mr. lockestockbarrel, are you at all interested in being an FSO? Instead of being a trailing spouse you could be a tandem couple in a year or so. You probably thought of this already...

You also didn't tell us how old you guys are. 35 is very different than 25, in this case.

Reality check: Law school student who "would be perfectly content to live in GA for the rest of his life" is probably not the same guy who'd love to spend the rest of his life ricocheting between, say, Senegal, Mongolia, Colombia, Finland, Tunisia, and Ukraine, without an actual job (unless "househusband who tells the maid what to do" counts as one) and without a college degree. A lot of guys do (or would) thrive. More than a few guys wouldn't. It's not a value judgement. It's a neutral fact. I said "probably" is not the same guy, nobody knows, not even you do. Let her take the job, get married if you have to, but stay behind until you finish law school and use conjugal visits wisely. Good luck.

Still deserve it, lockstockbarrel! I decided not to be a trailing spouse, for about a dozen really good reasons that were not necessarily related to the lifestyle. She should take the job, and you should really talk to other FSO spouses. Linderman was a trailing spouse herself, and she'd probably take a personal interest in your questions or possibly get you in touch with FSO spouses. I think you should write to her. Also, the State Dept. should give you a support packet after your future Mrs. accepts, and it'll have all sorts of family support info.