How do I get through a terrible vacation without a meltdown?

I agree with jessamyn, esp #3. But, via desjardins: In 5 to 10 years you will probably not be talking to these people any more. Real friends don't force others to go way beyond their budget and have "meltdowns" if they refuse. This is well motivated but one sided. Probably the friends really believed you would like it; if I was with someone who seemed miserable, to the point that they were going to stick it out at the hotel, I'd be upset too -- albeit not have a meltdown. I can't speculate as to whether you will know these people in the future, but you will probably know them a damn sight longer than anyone on this board. And as to what good friends do, what "force"? I think the OP's situation sucks and it isn't all his/her fault, but I can hear someone saying that good friends don't agree to go on expeditions and then become killjoys.

I am going to accept your statement that you can't bail; it may also be the case that even if you did, the money would be gone. Given that, pretend -- rigidly, totally -- that your friends are treating you to these activities. It is extremely generous of them; you have such good friends! Convince yourself of this. It can be done. This will best simulate the sunk cost/commitment aspects of your situation, improve the prospects that you will enjoy yourself a little, and make you nicer to be around. Just don't get carried away and offer to spring for dinner.

But as the departure date grew closer, I began to have second thoughts. It sounds like you gave up on it before it started (although good reason). There's nothing worse than being on vacation with someone miserable. Bail now - I pretty sure everyone, most importantly you, will be happier for it.

I absolutely agree that if you don't want to be part of a meltdown, fake an illness. You have a headache. You think you might throw up. Everyone should just go on ahead and you'll join once you're feeling better. Then, do whatever you want to do. If they feel bad because you're not there, that doesn't obligate you to make yourself broke and miserable. It's their issue. They are adults. They are responsible for their own lives and feelings. They made choices that resulted in this situation. You did not hold them at gunpoint and force them to plan expensive, annoying activities. Leave them to lie in the bed they made. It is not your job to do anything and everything possible to ensure their comfort. Just accept that they might be unhappy and take care of yourself.

I have been there and I am sorry. A bad/spendy vacation is not that great and feeling like you are not having a good time AND pissing away money/time is also not that great. Here is what I would do, in your situation, I know you are not me, but maybe this is helpful. 1. What everyone says, choose a few events to go to and indicate that you can't afford the others and that you will be doing something nice [NOT sulking] that is cheaper instead. Feel free to be like "oh hey I miscalculated, but the fact that this is costing more than I anticipated is making this stressful and not fun for me, I'll catch up with you guys for dinner and you can tell me all about it! No one likes a wet blanket, but if you are handling your own issues/problems that is a mark in your favor. You don't have to fake an illness, but it's totally okay to be like "I am needing a little alone time, the stress is affecting my sleep and ability to have a good time..." 2. Have a serious talk with your SO about strategy. If they think you are just being a spoilsport about it or "hey you SAID..." I'd try to have a realistic discussion about "okay I'll plan better next time but what can we do about this NOW?" Maybe your SO can chip in for something that is more spendy so you don't feel so pinched? Maybe they can help you beg off from one big ticket event? Part of the reason people partner up is to make bad situaitons like this better, not worse, give them an opportunity to help you. 3. Don't blame people. At some level you chose this thinking it would be a good idea. It turned out not to be. We all make mistakes and this one is a little costly and unfun for you. That said, it will not kill you and you never need to do this again. So, let people off the hook [your friends who are pressuring you and spending too much money, in your eyes, your SO who is not being particularly supportive or nurturing as you are unhappy, yourself who got you into this mess in the first place]. Your life will be long and this will recede into the distance, but if you spent the whole time HATING it, the emotional imprint will be stronger and more damaging in the long run. Try to salvage your sanity [even if it's by faking sickness and going to read a book] and remind yourself that you chose this. I sometimes spend entire conferences thinking "I CHOSE this, I CHOSE this...." over and over, but I prefer that to people being like "what the fuck is your problem?" at me. Also if you are the sort of people that can laugh at a trainwreck vacation, see if you can see it through that lens. 4. other people's meltdowns are, at some level, their problem. You feel stuck between sucking it up yourself because you don't want other people to have a bad time and "making" them have a bad time. My guess is they KNOW you're having a bad time and that doesn't really raise the tone any. Coming clean about this "hey I'm not really able to destress without some time doing hobby-of-choice, I'm going to take the afternoon to do that and come back this evening ready to go!" is a way of handling your own problem and not really making it into someone else's. If maybe your SO isn't friends with the other friends, the two of you can decide to take an afternoon. 5. Split money from the other stuff, mentally. A lot of times people say "oy it's the money!" when its' really something else. I don't mean to downplay financial concerns, but make sure you're not putting the cost issues as a stand-in for your general lack of control feeling [i.e. if someone offered to PAY your way to alligator wrestling, that wouldn't really make you want to go, would it? maybe it would, in that case it's really a money issue but I don't think that is what is happening here]. I think you are stressed about the event and telling yourself "I TOLD me so..." and it's easy to have money be a stand in for other things. For your own reasons, try to split out what is a problem money can solve from what isn't. In any case, best of luck. Feel free to send me or any of us a postcard from the WORST VACATION EVAR and maybe just getting some perspective on it will make the next few days not so horirble.

I'm all for the playing sick route to get out of doing things you don't want to. Once you get home put on gentle music, fill the tub up with hot soapy water and maybe light some candles. If you don't have a bathtub, fill up the biggest pot you have with hot soapy water and soak your feet while watching a good movie.

Sorry to hear your vacation is turning into a nightmare. Could you and your SO take a vacation from your vacation for a few days? From the way your post is written, it seems like you've got quite a long time away from home. If you were in Rome right now, for example, perhaps there's a logistical way for your friends to go one way (Florence) and you and the SO to go another (Bologna) and meet up at the end of the trip (Milan)? If your SO says it wouldn't be fair, why not suggest it to everyone? And if you can't afford to leave and get another hotel, could you engineer a few days when everyone can do whatever they want, and then meets up for dinner or drinks in the evening and shares photos? I think there's a way to gracefully suggest this and dodge the oncoming conflict; while I don't know your friends, I would like to imagine that there's at least one other person in the group who isn't a total jerk and will vocally support you - or even come along with you and the SO! - if you said something that isn't even about your opinions about them and needing a break, but just "pops into your head": "You know, ever since Mr X's art history/auto shop/whatever class in ninth grade, I've always wanted to do (cheap fun thing in the town you're in right now: go on a gelato tasting quest? try to surreptitiously photograph elaborately coiffured old ladies?) - he did it in 19xx and said it was a total hoot. Anyone want to come with me?" If you don't have any takers - and remember, you didn't ask for permission so much as announce that you're going to do this (you are an adult and are allowed to do this, I remind you) - say something like, "No worries - what are you going to do today, and where should we meet up later?" And when you get home, you and the SO should do as much as you can to mitigate the negative effects of this trip as you can by planning one that only the two of you will be going on. Save as much as you can, budget well, keep your goals modest and achievable, and enjoy the time away. A camping trip or weekend at the beach where you organize everything yourselves a few hours' drive away can be just as relaxing as a slickly-marketed three-week package tour of Brazil or something, since you control all aspects of the trip.

In 5 to 10 years you will probably not be talking to these people any more. Real friends don't force others to go way beyond their budget and have "meltdowns" if they refuse. But in 5 to 10 years you will still regret not taking advantage of the time to relax in [vacation destination], especially since you don't have the means to travel often. Your friends and SO are not responsible for making you happy - YOU are. YOU need to take proactive action to make that happen. By staying back at the hotel, you're not doing anything TO them. They are responsible for their own feelings. So you didn't stand your ground before you left. Well, now you're here, today is a new day, and there's no need to punish anyone, including yourself, for your present situation. (The suggestions to "play sick" aren't very honest, but avoid the punishment of others.) All you can do is create a new situation. Stand tall, be assertive, and check yourself for any whinyness/poutiness before you open your mouth. If you find yourself wanting to whine and pout, you probably have a tendency to make others responsible for your feelings. Now is the time to be an adult and realize that it's your responsibility alone.

Nthing telling them to just deal, and go do stuff without you. Fight for yourself. If they're not willing to accommodate what you need without throwing temper tantrums, they're not such good friends, anyway. Just my $0.02 . Good luck in getting some actual R&R.