How can I make DH see that he always makes me the 3rd wheel when it comes to plans?

So you're married to an abusive f**K. And you're acting the way abused people act. I'm sorry, but there's no answer that will help you that doesn't boil down to 'get help and get out.' Your rationalizations for staying make no sense. Your son is learning much worse things by watching the abuse continue than he would by seeing you stand up for yourself. Your fear is keeping you from thinking straight, which is why you need help. Go get it.

Every single thing you just said in your update is why a divorce needs to happen now before your child is a second older. Lawyer. Be a good mom. Your child will be upset but it is nothing compared to being in a family with these dynamics. Show your child how people should be treated.

Oh, and, reading over my answers and a couple of others, I'm now uncomfortably aware of how this must make you feel accused. Just to be clear, I know my goal isn't to make you feel accused and I'm sure it's not anybody else's goal. It's just that it's tricky to express our objections to your husband's behaviour in a way that's forceful enough to convey how serious we think it is, and at the same time anticipate the ways in which we might need to spare your feelings. Look, this guy is accusing you and making you feel like crap every which way, all the time. It's a strain just to put one foot in front of the other. And now we are all yelling at you to change your life completely, which is really hard under the best of conditions. And I'm saying stuff like, all he gets out of his marriage is food and housing; which is intended to point out to you that, far from being a terrifying enemy who will devour you in court, your husband is actually dependent on you for the very resources he would need to win a case, so his threats don't actually stand up to critical examination. But, in saying that, I also smashed you in the face with the implication that, no, your husband isn't married to you because he likes you. I think that that's a fact and you need to face it, and it's obvious to all of us that that fact says everything about your husband and nothing about you. But oh, how it must hurt to have that pointed out to you since, based on your actual question, it's the exact thing that you don't want to face up to. We're trying to be scathing about your husband, not about you. It hurts us all to hear about the way he treats you and, especially, your son. We want you to defeat this guy in his attempts to exploit you and make you miserable. We believe you can do it.

DH == Dead Horse. Stop beating it. You're miserable, he doesn't care and you have a child who needs you. Get out and get help.

I'm just going to reiterate, now that there's more evidence: He doesn't care: a) if you are happy with your vacations (knows you are not, continues to do the things that he knows make you unhappy) b) if you are happy at home (ignores you in favor of work/texting/facebook, despite knowing this makes you unhappy) c) if you are the only person he has sex/sexual conversations with (emails escorts and strangers in a sexual way -- at the very least) d) about your health and well-being (did not show interest when you were in the hospital) e) about the health and well-being of your fetus (did not show interest when fetus' viability was at stake) f) about the health and well-being of your child (drugs in front of him) Please go see an individual therapist to figure out how to convince yourself that you and your child deserve better than this, and how to get out. There is nothing good about this relationship. Please leave it.

In the past I caught him emailing escorts, FBing people out of the blue saying "I'm married but you have pretty eyes." (Who the hell says that?) Take you and your child out of this situation, because this is not the example you want to set for a healthy adult relationship. And this isn't your fault--totally his. (Who the hell says that? Cheating uncommitted dipshits, that's who.)

I am flat out intimidated of him in a divorce process. So find an attorney who isn't. Your husband wants everything and is threatening to say you're mentally unstable. OK. Your husband can want whatever he wants and say whatever he wants. That isn't what will decide the outcome of your divorce. Abusers often threaten their wives with things like your husband is threatening--"I'll expose how unstable you are," "No one will take you seriously," "I'll get full custody," etc. It's a scare tactic, not an effective legal strategy. Consider calling an organization that works with abused women and asking if they can recommend an attorney. You need a lawyer who understands that your husband is unstable, angry, and a bad candidate for mediation.

I thought with a family he would stop this Yikes. Children invariably exacerbate pre-existing relationship problems instead of solving them... Peeking at previous questions, I gotta think it's time to bail. There're drug (marijuana) issues (in front of the kid? He doesn't care about family, sorry) here too? Lots of counselling in the past, divorce threats aplenty. E-mailing prostitutes! What do you want from this dude? He seems to've made pretty clear what and who he is. I think you're way past the point where it's healthy to keep a child in a relationship like this and you want to make a clean break as soon as possible. He's not into you, he's not into the relationship, he's not into the kid. You will be much, much happier dropping the facade that there's a working relationship here.

I wrote... Pull the pin on the life grenade and get on with it. To be less glib: every decision you have in front of you sucks. Every option you can pursue sucks. The simple fact is that you have a mountain of suck in front of you that you are going to have to climb over no matter what you do. You are fighting a war here between a false husband and your own inability to make the move. All I can really give you is advice common to soldiers everywhere: Embrace The Suck. Get in there for the long fight and get the divorce that you deserve. And honestly you may find it surprisingly easy. Once you stand up to him he is likely to lose interest and move on to one of the many women he already has lined up. The fact that he doesn't care about you goes two ways...