Raising pre-teens really IS hell

I'm going to talk (at what might be too-much length), generally, about my own experiences being a raging, angry twelve year old (girl, in my case, but I'm not sure how much it matters). Maybe some of it will resonate; maybe not. I'm not sure how "normal" any of it is, because my situation wasn't normal, but I did come out of it a pretty well-adjusted adult, without anger "issues" generally or in my relationships, for what it's worth. So when I was eight years old, my father died. I'd always been a happy, optimistic, caring little girl. My mother was awash in grief for years and I felt very, very obligated to do the emotional caretaking in my family--when she cried, I'd run to hug her. My mother was an inconsistent parent in terms of setting boundaries and making rules and sticking to them, but when I was younger, and more compliant, this wasn't really an issue. Fast forward four years, when puberty struck. I was pumped full of hormones, and for the first time, my desires ran counter to my mother's. I wanted to talk to my new friends on the internet all the time (my school situation was pretty lonely) and she couldn't understand why I was spending all of my time on the computer. I wanted to stay up late, but, even though I didn't have a set bedtime, my mother didn't want me to. She always wanted things on her time-table, and there was little explaining. It was a "because I said so" sort of household, without much room for negotiation. It was also a place where there was sometimes verbal abuse, where the adult would lose her cool, too. I remember being slapped a small handful of times. I generally felt powerless--powerless to explain my needs or my desires (because my mother just wanted compliance), powerless to express myself in a healthy way, because I knew I wouldn't be listened to. My emotional needs weren't considered, and as I became a teenager, the stark unfairness of this stood out to me. Hell, I'd never even been given the room to mourn my father properly myself, much less express myself in other, smaller ways. So I did the only thing I felt I could: I lashed out physically against things in my household. I broke things. I punched and kicked holes in walls. I slammed doors and drawers and slammed my head against stuff and once, I kicked the vacuum cleaner (an old Electrolux--ow!). I remember writing my mother what I thought were very well-reasoned letters about things like rules, and her refusing to read them. I remember following her around the hosue begging her to talk to me about one rule or another and her refusing until she made me go stay at my grandfather's for the night. I know that, to an adult, my behavior must have seemed violent, strange, and out-of-hand. But to a twelve year old, it felt like the only way to express my feelings, the only way to be heard. It was the only way I could have any modicum of power in a very, very powerless situation. My mother was always quick to blame my behavior on my dead father, who'd been abusive to her before I was born. This made me even more angry. It was like my anger wasn't even mine. It also made me angry that she couldn't see how it was our interaction, not me, that was off-kilter. And it was: time's proven that. There has been one time when, as an adult, I found myself fighting with my mother and found myself knocking over a chair. There have been no other situations where that's ever happened with anyone else, including my partner of seven years. In fact, I'm not even a very angry person normally. My instinct is that, if this is only happening with you and your son, there is something fundamentally wrong with the communication between you two. My instinct, having been an angry preteen, is that he feels powerless, and like he won't be heard using more reasoned forms of communication. His body is telling him that he's an adult. But he doesn't feel that way when interacting with his mom. Though it may not seem like it in the heat of the moment, twelve is old enough to have some say in what his life looks like. It would have been amazing for me if my mother came to me, at a calm moment, and said "Let's talk about what's not working with our household rules for you. I can't promise to change everything you don't like, but I can promise to listen to you and consider it." It would have been even more amazing had my mom offered to go to therapy with me, and hadn't treated it like it was because I was like my crazy dad. More than anything, as an angry twelve year old, I wanted to learn how to communicate reasonably. Otherwise: I am not a bitter ex-wife and, though I don't care for my ex-husband personally I don't bad mouth him so there's no reason for my son's behavior to be rooted in some sort of anger or defense of his absent father. Of course he has reason to be angry about his absent father. His dad is around and doesn't want to see him. How awful that must feel! Sure, that anger has nothing to do with you, but that doesn't mean that he might not have a vague cloud of shitty feelings surrounding that. And when you're twelve and hormonal, a vague cloud of shitty feelings can touch everything around you. I won't raise a hand to him because, regardless of my beliefs whether or not that would work, the one time I did spank him he told my mother I "hit" him and she came down on me with both feet. She has threatened to call the police on me if I ever "abuse" him again. Yes, I get that he's working that to his advantage but there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know how recent this spanking incident was, but even ten or eleven is absolutely too old for a spanking. You did hit him. All this does is show that it's okay for adults to lash out physically. You are the adult here. As hard as it is, you need to keep your cool and model healthy emotional behavior--and that's even more true now that he's becoming an adult himself, and can see more clearly what is, and isn't considered healthy emotional behavior in his family. In short: please, please explore therapy with your son. He's not a Bridezilla. He's not even trying to necessarily manipulate situations. But at 12, he lacks the self-control and the distance to see why reacting the way he is isn't an effective way to communicate (particularly when the grown-up in question is losing her cool, too), and it sounds like you could both really use a neutral space and means to discuss things between you.

Maybe he doesn't fully realize how out of control he appears when he goes into these rages, and seeing it on tape will give him some perspective. Oh sweet god, no. I'm not a parent, nor was I ever a tween boy, but one of my nephews has just become a tween boy and just from knowing him (and having been friends with tween boys back when I was a girl), my gut feeling is that secretly filming a child when they're out of control like this will simply push a lot of shame/fury/vulnerability/trust issues that can only make the situation much, much worse.

FWIW speaking as a former 12-yr old boy, with a 10 yr old boy and a whole bunch of relevant experiences which I'd prefer not to go into. 1. His behavior isn't 'normal' but nor is it obviously pathological. 2. He is acting out. Kids are often quite aware that they are acting out, and why. Giving them a way of talking about it can be very helpful. 3. Anger is not always negative. 4. I am not suggesting this is what you are doing, but my experience of Moms is that they lag about a year or two behind where a kid actually is in terms of self-reliance, independence etc. I was incredibly lucky to have a (single, divorced) Mom who both cared about what I did, and gave me ridiculous amounts of freedom. We had one argument about what time I came home, when I was about 14, and after that she let me do what I wanted. (She often waited up, but she never bugged me about it. In retrospect I realize how hard that was on her, but it was wonderful for me and it meant I never felt the need to rebel against her. And I never got into any trouble.) 5. Related... you stress discipline in your post but not freedom. You talk about not being allowed to have another cookie. He's 12. Maybe he can make decisions about having another cookie. 6. My own experience of raising kids (3 currently) is that you have to balance freedom with responsibility. Kids react incredibly well to more responsibility. Example: if I nag my boys constantly to get out of the house for the bus on time, most often they are late. If I tell them that they are reponsible for getting out of the house, and I am not going to nag them, and they must deal with the consequences if they are late (ie explain to the principal), they are out of the house 10 minutes early. So if you can, back off on the micromanaging and focus on the macro. 7. It's shitty to be a kid without a dad. I was that kid. It's certainly true what other say that he is taking it out on you because he can and it feels safe. That is a perverted kind of compliment. I know that for me, once I realized my mother was a vulnerable human being and I was hurting her, I cut it right out.

the one time I did spank him he told my mother I "hit" him and she came down on me with both feet Well, you did hit him, after all. At first blush it sounds like oppositional defiance disorder. I think a visit to a psychiatrist or similar would be worthwhile. Sweet jumping jesus, there's a lot of bad advice in this thread. Does everything have to be so damn clinical? Your son sounds like a pretty normal twelve-year-old. Adolescence is a pretty shitty time for a lot of people- you feel powerless, you're not necessarily as grown-up as you think you are but you want to be grown-up. You don't get treated that well by adults at school, either. What your son needs is something to do so that he feels in control. He needs respect, not to be looked at as a clinical case. If you lock a young dog up in a cage where he's being poked with sticks, you shouldn't be surprised when he bites you.

I would be careful about sending only him to therapy. You should both (or all) go. Sending him alone will continue to label him as the problem, when chances are it is the system he is living in. Hormones are probably involved, but he's angry about something. Therapy would give you all tools to know how to work with each other. Best of luck to you.

I was going to drop in and say something. Instead I want to favorite whathttp://ask.metafilter.com/143559/Raising-preteens-really-IS-hell#2055000 a million, bajillion times. http://ask.metafilter.com/143559/Raising-preteens-really-IS-hell#2054984 also has it with the advice to either initiate this as a family going to therapy OR you should go yourself first. You may not be the root of the problem (and you sound like an amazing mom), however, you are part of the system he functions within. I would have a hard time being in your shoes and not immediately thinking, "OMG, I'm getting bullied all over again!" considering what you mentioned about your Ex. Maybe not, I could be off base here. But I think it is important not to think, "He needs therapy, that'll fix it, the rest of us are fine." Because, well, things are not fine for any of you right now as it stands. A little self-disclosure to give you insight into the complexity of these systems (not to suggest that this is you). I was the "rage'r" in my family as a kid and as a teen. Which is just bizarre because I was also painfully shy and polite with strangers. I grew up believing with ALL of my heart that I was a really bad kid. That I was unable to form healthy attachments with family. Until the day that I was describing that "bad kid" to my therapist. And she stopped me right away with, "But wait! You told me that your parents fought quite a bit. What did they do during your rages?" Huh. I can't remember my exact answer but the gist of it was, "Well, they stopped fighting and joined forces against me." She nodded,"So it was your job to stop the fighting and bring them together?" A great peace swept over me at that moment, and I burst into tears. Because, yes. Exactly. I didn't realize it at the time, but exactly. Whenever there was tension in our house, I was a human radio antennae, gathering all of the anger to me. My relationship with my family members began to change in dramatic ways after that realization. Anyway...I guess what I'm saying is that it can be complicated. Even for very thoughtful, smart, brave moms like yourself. Reach out.

Boy there is some really, really bad information in this thread. If *anyone* tries to diagnose a child who is *only* disobedient towards a parent as oppositional-defiant, run the other way immediately. The diagnosis is controversial, overused and most importantly, can only be diagnosed truly if the child has problems with multiple authority figures. Not having the problem with multiple authority figures means the kid doesn't meet the criteria for the disorder, period. Imagine if adults could be diagnosed with oppositional-defiant disorder because they didn't get along with one person!!!! This is insane. Secondly, DO NOT EVER CALL THE POLICE ON YOUR OWN CHILD UNLESS THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY A THREAT TO THEMSELVES OR OTHERS. All this does is bring the child into the remit of the criminal justice system, over which you and they have little control. The police know even less about helping people than random strangers on the internet, typically. That's not their job. While a very few may be versed in mental illness and child behavior and how to help, the vast majority know only about law enforcement. Once a child gets a criminal record, they are under more surveillance than others and there's lots of research showing that kids who get "into the system" do MUCH WORSE than those who commit the same exact offenses but either don't get caught or don't get into the system. Worst of all is putting the child into any kind of residential setting, where they will be with "worse" kids and with only "labeled" kids and will therefore not have the good role models they have when they are in groups with kids outside the system. The reason you tell your kids not to hang out with a bad crowd is the main reason you don't want to lock them up with a bad crowd and call them bad! Family therapy for the two of you may be very helpful-- as it sounds like there's some issue between you or some problem in communication that is creating an escalating cycle of trouble. Often, this involves a child wanting more independence and the parent cracking down because they see immaturity and making the child ever more angry. Then the parent gets worried and cracks down further, making the child feel worse, etc. Sometimes counter-intuitive strategies are needed to let the child see that he will get more independence over time and it won't be "forever" like this. Alternatively, this could just be a situation where the development of self control is lagging behind the hormones and the physical development-- with you, he has the least control because he know it's the "safest" place to have less and it may not be deliberate in the sense of conscious, only deliberate in the sense of he only has so much of it now so he lets go with you. Most kids do just grow out of this and as long as he's doing fine in school and in other settings, it could truly be "just a phase."

Resist the urgings of others here, and don't medical-ize being a teenager. He's not your teenager, so how can you really say? Behavior of mine that was ignored as being part of "being a teenager" was actually pretty serious depression that would have benefited from intervention. And while it's possible that this is normal behavior for your parameters of normal, it is more than ok for other folks here to disagree. That's the whole point, and that doesn't mean that anyone is "medical-izing being a teenager."

Sounds like my partner's 10-year-old. This isn't sudden behavior for him -- he's been doing this for a while. We've been working with a social services agency who recommended http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006077939X/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ and we've been working with that model. It is not a panacea -- for instance, a haircut last weekend turned into a 1.5 hour screaming and shouting tantrum -- however he didn't hit anyone or break anything, so there is progress...