Help me out of this pattern

the ending of my relationship with my most recent narcissist has left a void in my life It has not left you with a void in your life. It's just left you with free time. Which it sure sounds like you need to improve your job situation, so it's not like you don't have anything else to do. Take two years off relationships - full stop no men, and no new friendships unless they grow organically out of an activity you are pursuing to sort your life out. No exceptions. No bullshit "platonic" Craigslist* shit. Own your life, practice being in control of it. Focus on the work situation, because you're not going to find some guy on Craigslist (or, frankly, nearly anywhere else) who's going to fly in on his magic carpet of mentally healthy awesomeness with big old bags of money to save you. Not in this economy, and not in this reality because emotionally healthy people don't want to save other people. *Craigslist is for other people's old used shit, and for fucking. In two years, if you have to, you can join a real dating site. This is just another method of hating yourself and might even be a form of passive suicide. Clear your browser history and move on. Spend that time reading about 18th century art or something. You have to be the person you can rely on. Stop making your life about other people.

"Take two years off relationships - full stop no men, and no new friendships unless they grow organically out of an activity you are pursuing to sort your life out. No exceptions. " I did this. Well, I resolved to do it for one year when my dating decisions were clearly repeatedly catastrophic. I called it the "Man Hiatus." I was worried it'd feel limiting, but actually it was such a RELIEF, just not even having that possibility available when I met people, not worrying about looking for relationships, just being able to totally excise all that stress. When I completed the year (and my friends gave me a happy no-man-iversary card, it was cute), I was enjoying my life so much more that I went right on not dating. Didn't date at all for around two and a half years. (During my "prime dating years" when I was meeting "all the right men." It was STILL BETTER not dating!) When I finally decided to date again I dated a dude who was moving to another continent in 12 weeks so I knew it couldn't be serious -- I enjoyed my singlehood too much by then. About six months after that I met a guy, started dating him, and married him. I totally credit the Man Hiatus with getting my head on straight so I could attract the right kind of people and not be a moron in relationships. BTW, you don't seem needy to me, you seem TIRED. Have you thought about local community colleges for skills retraining? They may have scholarships that would enable you to drop one of the jobs and still pay for classes. Or you can do a ton of classes online these days. Not sure what kind of skills retraining you need, but CCs are cheap and there are scholarships for adult students.

Anonymous, I can't help but cringe at the responses balking at how "needy" you are coming across. I didn't get that vibe at all from your question. You seemed to have clearly identified the problematic patterns in your interpersonal relationships and I think in so doing you've already clearly charted out what the solution is: trust yourself. If you see all the early warning signs of a narcissistic personality, don't invest in that relationship. It's true that a lot of people don't have the energy or the time for the level of intensity that seems to really feed you in a relationship or a friendship, so that's just something to take into account. Have reasonable expectations in function of the kinds of people you meet. If you meet a person without a lot of time, don't expect them to be able to be able to provide a great deal of emotional support. Likewise, if someone manifests narcissistic tendencies, you'll know to steer clear. I do agree with Bolognius that seeking validation from others is a pretty surefire way to make yourself miserable. Often we idealize the people we look for validation from, when in reality they're just as imperfect as we are. What kind of therapy have you tried? Has it been with one therapist for a long time, a few different ones, or have you gone through many? I think that if you keep burning through them, it may be a sign that you're unwilling to be open to the insights they have about you. On the other hand, if it was one for a long time, it may've been that you didn't mesh. If you've got health insurance, it might not hurt to give therapy another go around if you're open to it--your situation does sound like a lot to deal with on your own, especially since you're saying you don't want to feel like you're burdening new friends with your struggles.

There's a lot to pull apart in your question, but I will say that anybody who says that you're the "only person who understands" them is someone to run away from quickly.

Go to one of those artistic venues and get yourself a ring you really like. Before you put it on your finger, make a promise to yourself, a promise that the ring represents. It's a promise to give yourself a break from the guilt and the self-hatred, to try and love yourself and comfort yourself, to believe that you are in the place you're in because you're unlucky and because the world is shitty sometimes, not because you're bad or unlovable. When you falter, you can look at the ring and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and happiness. It's a reminder that as wonderful as friends are, you can take of yourself, you are strong and beautiful on your own. Once you've got that down, it's time to make some acquaintances. Not friends, not intense platonic relationships. Acquaintances. Pick one or two nights or days a week that you're going to push yourself to leave the house, even if you're exhausted, and join a club or meetup based on one of your interests - board games, dancing, a book club, brewing, biking, running, volunteering. Practice reciprocity with the people you meet this way. Take small leaps. Ask them how they got interested in X. How long they've been doing X. What else they do with their time. Have casual conversation with them each time you see them. When you feel like you're starting to get to know them, ask them to get coffee or go see a movie outside of the group. Don't rush things. You can mention your problems, but briefly before moving o to something lighter. Pay attention to how they respond to your confidences. Do they tell you about their own issues? Do they change the subject? The reason you keep getting into relationships with narcissists is because something inside you is responding to the attention they pay you. Most friendships worth having start slowly and build gradually. If you meet someone who wants to know you - all of you! Right now! All the time! That's a bad sign. Put the brakes on. If they're legitimately interested in you they'll be willing to wait a few weeks, or months to get to know you better. Try to find at least two or three people who you want to cultivate a relationship with. Don't look for the people you can crush on or who remind you of bad relationships in the past. Look for steady folks like the friends you've made who live elsewhere. People who interest you, who help you feel good about yourself in a genuine, mild way. Eventually these acquaintances will become friends, and eventually those friends will become confidantes. And when that happens, it will be glorious, but in the mean time, you have that promise to yourself to keep. In the mean time, if you're feeling lonely, rely on the friends you have. If you're worried that you're overburdening them, tell them that. Say, "If I ever get too much for you, let me know and I'll back off. You won't let me down and I won't be mad at you for it. It's important to me that our friendship brings both of us comfort and happiness." In the mean time, you can lighten the burden on your friends by making sure you spend half your conversations talking about them - their joys, their sorrows. And if you ever feel like you really have no one to talk to, try a phone line, like 1-800-273-TALK. It's not just for suicidal people - it's also for folks who are lonely and need another source of support. Good luck. You deserve friendship and happiness.

Sometimes you have to sit in lonely until you find the strength in it. I second not looking for another relationship --not even being open to one should it happen along-- for a while. You sound stronger & healthier than you think: You know how to recognize a bad relationship, and you have the strength and fortitude to end it. Even a brief look around the green will show you a wealth of people who can't even say that. But that loneliness still scares you into letting in those fascinating, inspiring, and yet...BAD...poeople. Just do your thing. Pursue your hobbies, invent a few social activities that take you out of your normal group, learn to walk alone... Value your friends, but embrace the solitude. There's things you can do and see and feel that you almost never experience when you're with others. It can be such a breath of fresh air. So go out and find that air where you can be wholly you & unashamed and unpreoccupied by your singularity. It makes you able to be a better friend to the people who remain with you. It might also give you a better shot at attracting people who value strength & independence.

OP, don’t define yourself as needy, but rather human. Everyone goes through times of loneliness. I’m just going to give ideas for you deal with part of this. Similar to the other posters, I think that you should take a break from dating. It sounds like not only did you have a “friend” betrayal, but a breakup. So rather than viewing this as a void in your life, try to look at things that you want to do for yourself. Great! Make a list of things that you want to see, do, and try in your new city (and if you are constrained by funds, google your city plus free, or find a book listing free things to do in your city). Surely there are art galleries, art museums, or something that defines artistic venues to you – and you wanted those things, so go see them. Also, is there anything about artistic venues that you enjoyed (the creative aspect? The art work?) Can you go to the next level and find a class and try it out? Or learn about it? Make it a goal to take part in the community, too. Once a week, even if you are working 60 hours a week, go see or watch or participate in one of these things. It sounds like you may have moved to a new town to become someone else...so maybe try the things that pulled you to that place and even become some of those things, too. Great! Make a list of things that you want to see, do, and try in your new city (and if you are constrained by funds, google your city plus free, or find a book listing free things to do in your city). Surely there are art galleries, art museums, or something that defines artistic venues to you – and you wanted those things, so go see them. Also, is there anything about artistic venues that you enjoyed (the creative aspect? The art work?) Can you go to the next level and find a class and try it out? Or learn about it? Make it a goal to take part in the community, too. Once a week, even if you are working 60 hours a week, go see or watch or participate in one of these things. Also, although I think that you should look for healthy friends, I think that you should challenge the premise that you can’t enjoy things when you are alone and that you “need” someone to fill a void. Go do the things on your list once a week, but before you go, write down how much you think you will like doing it alone…also write down how you found doing it alone when you return (and any ideas that may have changed as a result, too). Do this for a few weeks and I bet you may find that it is okay doing things alone. As for the work stuff, I would also make that a big priority. What concerns me when I read your description; you don’t mention what you like or wan to do (Hobbies? What type of new job?) Part of the problem may be that you don’t have an interest or interests even or career direction identified. Have you taken these steps yet? If you do have skills that you want to learn, take the reins and ask your supervisor/coworkers, etc., if you can work on any such projects (the goal is to work on building your skill set for the next job). Spend some of the time that you would have spent with the narcissist improving your CV, shopping it around, etc. Also, I wonder from reading your post (you refer to St John’s Wart, which has a similar MOA to antidepressants, therapy, etc.) if you may have depression right now. It is up to you to decide if you want to get treated (and moving is stressful and could trigger symptoms again), but even if not, remember that it can alter how you perceive things. So instead of seeing neutral faces, you may see a grouchy face. On that note – reach out to your new friends and previous friends. Sure, you dumped the narcissist, but did some of the people in your new group enjoy your company? Hang out with some of those people one on one. Or even if your old friends are busy, call them up, but once a month (and rotate every 2 weeks to another). Just say that you just moved, are feeling a bit lonely, and wanted to hear their voice or catch up with him or her. There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing these things; they were/are your friends and probably want to hear from you.

I have to agree with all the previous answers. You come across as very, very needy, which is a magnet for creepsters of all sorts. I'll also add that, IMHO, you should not look for friends/romantic relationships on craigslist. My sister dated a guy that was "intelligent and charismatic". He is one of those people who, after he destroyed my sister and moved, posts on craigslist and dating sites about being a misunderstood soul and so poetic & insightful and 'invites' people to discover the world with him. He is a sociopath and completely full of himself and crap at the same time. Not a good way to meet people, bottom line. I did the cross-country move many years ago, killed myself working, and I can tell you that the best way out is to keep looking for a better job (even if it is outside of your industry) and don't lose faith that you will find one. It sounds trite, but it is true. I'm not one of those people that 's big on suggesting therapy, because I believe you have to fix yourself. I will say that you can meet decent people by volunteering for a good organization. Do VITA/TCE work, volunteer at a nursing home or hospital or animal shelter or homeless shelter, whatever you think is worthwhile. Yes, you work 60 hours a week- I've been there. You can find 2-4 hours a week, I know it because I did it. As for finding more time, do you work that many hours to keep up with expenses that aren't truly necessary? Are you living in a big, lavish apartment or making do with something decent? If you can cut your expenses, you might not have to work as many hours. Then you would be able to exercise, take classes or pursue a degree to upgrade your skill set, and focus on yourself. Don't seek validation from others. This seems to be a core issue. Why should you be ashamed of where you are at in life? Life is a series of learning experiences, and is not a contest to see who has the most. The first step for you is self-acceptance and working on your self-confidence, because only after that will you be able to find good people who accept you for you.

I've been in roughly similar circumstances, stuck and confused, and I know some people that were in quite similar circumstances. In these cases, 12-step work helped immensely! You don't need to believe in God for it to work, nor do you have to start believing. The work works.