I can't afford my family's Christmas expectations, how to handle this appropriately?

One year in college, Christmas came around and I was very completely broke, but wanted to give my siblings something. I went in my old boxes of stuff in the basement and found a goldmine of Lego. I carefully built a Lego gift box and filled it with all my old toys, some books, my old N64. (They were 10 and younger at the time.) The kids seemed happy with it, but I was taken aside before dinner and told that This Was Not Acceptable. I felt like an ass, and was completely incapable of believing the kids were anything other than disappointed after that. Maybe I can sway you and some other people over to my side, the side that hates scheduled gift giving. Anytime someone expects a gift to the point where not receiving one is an insult is no longer true gift giving. It's a friendship tax. By their very definition, gifts are items given without compensation. This nonsense of trading gifts is just a manufactured economy where the currency is of questionable value and (without receipts) terrible exchange rates. And while birthdays are generally more spaced out, Christmas involves a very large investment for a large number of people. Add in travel expenses, heating costs, etc. and winter becomes very expensive for the lower-middle class. Whenever expectations soar (before getting presents), there is also a greater chance of disappointment. It is nearly impossible to surprise someone with a present when they get them every year on the same day. My system is this: I give gifts. I don't pay friendship/family tithes. Throughout the year, if I see something I think someone I care about will like, I buy it, wrap it, and give it to them. This can be anything from a stuffed toy to a KitchenAid mixer. The recipient benefits because they are actually, genuinely surprised and thrilled, no matter how small or insignificant the present would seem otherwise. Stupid comical nightlight on Christmas is tacky; one for no reason other than to get a smile is golden. The giver benefits by being able to materially express love in a way that actually fits his/her budget. You'd be surprised how quickly I swung my family and friends to accept my way, if not adopt it. It only takes a couple instances of "Holy crap you bought me Arkham Asylum for no goddamn reason!" before you can once again get together for holidays and other events and exchange laughter, food and fellowship instead of debt. (I still call and give cards on holidays; I'm not a communist.) I know this seems like an excuse to soap box, and it partially is. But I see you dealing with a broken system and all I can think is "You don't buy someone a gift because you are required, or because a calendar or tradition dictates. You buy someone a gift to give them something that shows them 'I was thinking of you, I love you, I want you to have this thing I think you will like, and I don't want anything in return other than your happiness.'"

Fuck 'em, and feed 'em fish heads. Say exactly what you said to us: "Would you rather get a sweater vest and than have us afford groceries?" Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to lay down and take their shit.

Since my family is going through this as well this year, I want to share some stuff with you that I've recently found on the web. http://momsfrugal.blogspot.com/2009/11/guest-post-christmas-on-zero-budget.html http://frugalliving.about.com/od/specialoccasions/tp/Free_Low_Cost_Christmas_Gifts.htm http://www.moneysavingmom.com/money_saving_mom/2009/11/100-free-custom-holiday-photo-cards-from-seehere-have-you-gotten-yours-yet.html http://www.amazon.com/Free-Songs-Music/b?ie=UTF8&node=334897011 - download what you want, and then burn to CD at home. Make fancy CD covers. Typically they do daily free Christmas downloads between Thanksgiving & Dec 25th. http://www.thehungrymouse.com/home/2009/06/01/neverending-vanilla-extract-make-your-own/ then bottle it up as a lovely gift. http://www.butterick.com/freeproject/index.html Crafty patterns!

I logged in just to post this: Tell them to go to hell. Gifts are not obligations. Gifts are not family-tax. Tell them you cannot afford gifts, if they insist, tell them to go f$#% themselves. I cannot emphasize this enough.

it will go on credit cards Don't do this. If you feel you must give them gifts, bake cookies, or buy from Goodwill or thrift shops. Make gifts from items you have around the house (I'm doing a bunch of catnip mice for friends and family with pets. Total cost: $3.00 for catnip, plus the sacrifice of a couple of shirts I don't wear anymore). Regift. Scan and print family photos. Give coupons for babysitting. If you think about it and you're careful, you can probably do all 4 adults for $20 tops. Small children are happy with coloring books and puzzles (or regular books), and they don't care if their toys are "new" -- just "new to them. Again, I bet you can do the kids for $5.00 each. Its sometimes hard to get used to the idea of gifts not equaling "bought from Macy's" but with a little creativity and time spent scouting out your options you might be surprised. when I suggested that we not draw names for the adults this year, I got the dirtiest look Don't suggest. Just state flat out: "This year, we can't afford to do Christmas in the same way we have in the past." Dirty looks or not, its your choice to buy a gift. Its not an obligation.

Miss Manners generally indicates that "Oh I'm sorry that's just impossible" is the wa to move forward with this. that said, you and your husband have to be on the exact same page on this and this seems like it may not be the case. Deal with that first. You have time to make some plans where if you do decide to bow out, no one will feel like you did this at the last minute. My general feeling is make a decision, be firm on it and let people know without the 'you're being assholes" part. I'm a grinch at holidaytime. I get nobody anything and expect nothing from anyone. Some people get me gifts anyhow [knowing that i don't give gifts] and as far as I'm concerned that's on them. Recently I've been spending a more Christmas-time time with my boyfriend's family. They do gift exchange. it's been suggested that since people will be getting me things, I should reciprocate. I'm fine with that. It's manners and an easy way for me to show that "I care about you" thing that is hard with people you don't spend a ton of time with. However. Spending holidaytime with them [which is already a compromise, I'd prefer to be elsewhere] does not in any way dictate what I get them. I made custom t-shirts for the kids [color printer + iron on+ thoughtful image + good t-shirt = $5-10 and esp good for younger kids]. I got appropriate and loved books for the adults and some of the older kids [at paperbackswap.com this is free, cheap otherwise]. I got little tchotchkes for everyone as well so people had a gift or two to open. And that was it. I wrote thank yous for the things people got me and I helped with the meals. So, it's clear you're stressed but I think you've got a jumble of annoyance at your family [why aren't they being cool about this?], your own money concerns [does getting gifts that aren't expensive solve the problem?], pressure from family [husband wanting to just pay for it] and you feeling that if you're going to do it at all [do you have to?] you have to do it RIGHT. Honestly I think the last one of these issues is going to be the easiest to get over. Put aside your GRAR and tell your family you'd love to exchange gifts but you're on a budget. If that's not okay with them you can be all "oh that's too bad, but we're on a budget so fuck y'all" or whatever. People who try to pressure other people into doing the holidays THEIR way are lacking in grace. Don't follow their model. Be gracious and do what you think is right and try to get you and your husband on the same page of that. Good luck, I know it isn't easy.

I used to always laugh when people suggested that I bake cookies for presents. as I would have to learn to bake first - then I found this recipe. I am not a particularly good cook, but my friend (who is an excellent cook) said, after her cookie birthday present, "I dreamed about those cookies after I ran out." If they don't want cookies for Christmas, make these and eat them yourself. That'll learn 'em. (Note, this recipe is handed down from my Great-Great-Grandmother GoogleSearch. I changed it a bit. The original is http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Chewy-Chocolate-Chip-Oatmeal-Cookies/Detail.aspx Chewy Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies Recipe * 1 cup butter, softened * 1 cup packed light brown sugar * 1/2 cup white sugar * 2 eggs * 2 teaspoons vanilla extract * 1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour * 1 teaspoon baking soda * 1/2 teaspoon salt * 3 cups quick-cooking oats * 1 cup raisins * 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips DIRECTIONS 1. Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). 2. In a large bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar, and white sugar until smooth. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the creamed mixture until just blended. Mix in the quick oats, raisins, and chocolate chips. Mix in the dry ingredients gently - as little as possible, just getting it all mixed. Refrigerate the dough for a few hours before baking. Drop by heaping spoonfuls onto ungreased baking sheets. 3. Bake for 12 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely. They take 15 minutes in my oven - they don't really look cooked at the end, maybe a bit tan on the bottom. That's okay, they're done after 12-15 minutes. Longer and they'll be just as good, but crunchy.

I have no qualms about buying stuff for kids, they're not responsible for our poor decision making. Not getting a gift from a family member you hardly know isn't a punishment. Skip gifts for everybody, kids don't need more things.

Nobody gets the right to demand gifts from you. That your family is trying to do so at a particularly bad time for you is unkind and unfamilial, to say the least. Ignore their demands, tell them you can't participate this year. I think spending the time with your supportive mother and stepfather is a great idea -- remove yourself from the situation entirely. They can be pissed off, but they can't spend your money for you.