We love each other, how do we stop so we can get on with our lives?

The alternative to breaking up is to change the dream of your life. You are faced with a terrible choice, and I don't envy you. Either way you decide you'll have regrets; it is possible you won't find someone else you care for as much as him. But it is also true that you may never get to have your own kids if you stay. If it were me I'd try to think about the best and worst that could come of each choice and decide which I truly couldn't bear. But once you have done that....chose and know you chose. Walk forward with clear eyes whatever you decide; every choice has a price, and you've got to figure out which one you're willing to pay. The worst thing you can do is stumble forward, getting by day to day, and let time end up making your choices for you; that will poison your life with resentment.

Here's the thing: it's starting to get a little late in the day for second thoughts. You're 33, almost 34. If you want to have kids, the time to do it is right now. Your fertility is starting to become a http://ask.metafilter.com/128856/I-want-to-have-my-cake-and-eat-it-too#1841792, i.e. there's almost a 30% chance that your childbearing days are behind you already. If you want to have children without expensive fertility treatments--which really are no guarantee of success--you either need to be in a relationship with someone who wants to have kids with you tomorrow or you need to be willing to have those kids without a partner. This really isn't something you can afford to wait on. You wanted to be childless in your twenties, and you want to live abroad someday. Thing is, neither of those things are all that compatible with settling down with a family. There's a reason many people with kids live in the suburbs too: that's where it's easiest to have them. And there's a reason that most people don't move overseas once they've got kids: it's massively disruptive to one's lifestyle, and kids don't handle that sort of thing nearly as well as adults do. The truth is that you can not, in fact, have it all. Every choice to do A is a choice not to do B. You will never spend your 24th year in Paris, because you (presumably) didn't do that when you were 24. You also will not have teenage kids of your own before you're 40 because you didn't have kids in your twenties. You can't undo those choices, but those choices brought you to where you are today, including your current relationship. It really sounds to me like you haven't come to terms with this. Modern culture promises us everything we've ever desired, but that's just a lie. My advice is for you to seriously sit down and evaluate your priorities. Is this simply a matter of having regrets about the choices you made five, ten, even fifteen years ago? Because if it is, it might be better to own those choices, live with the consequences, and stick with this guy whom you seem to think is pretty okay.

If I were deeply in love with an amazing person, I would stay despite these issues. I would stay because I long ago decided I would love the children that come into my life whether they are my own biological children, my nieces and nephews, my husband's children from a previous relationship, or my adopted children. The reality is that no one knows if they will actually have their own biological children. My thought process was individual to me and my life: To me, having an incredible relationship with my husband is more important than choosing someone who I can have (hypothetical) children with. [I've seen many women settle for biological clock reasons, and I don't think that's happy] I've observed several women close to me subject their bodies to crazy fertility treatments. I don't want that for myself. So I made peace with adoption as a very real possibility. On the travel subject - my mother loves traveling and my dad doesn't. She goes on many trips on her own for work or with her girlfriends. You don't need to have everything in common. Only you know if these things are a total deal breaker. I am only suggesting you think VERY hard about whether these factors are your absolute top priorities, or whether a great relationship with someone you love is your top priority. PS Don't stay because you think you can change him though, that's a recipe for misery.

We both love each other very much but know we have to break up. There's no hope, right? How do we do this? We've talked about it and just... can't. How do you break up when neither of you want to? I did this. We had dated for almost three years and were in love, plain and simple. But he had his Big Life Plan, had had it for ages, and it was very specific and very circumscribed and there was no room in it for me to do the things I wanted to do. And as he got more and more invested in His Town and His Career and His Friends, I began to feel more and more like... His Girlfriend. Not like my own, independent human being. At age 22 I was slowly beginning to feel like a dissatisfied 1950s housewife. And as I lost that independent part of myself, I was also becoming less and less the girl he fell in love with. I can say all this now because it's over- back then, I could barely even admit to myself that I wasn't joyously happy. After all, I really, really loved him, and he loved me too. We were lying in bed one night and he brought up the idea of breaking up and we just... did it. Had the worst conversation of my life and then fell asleep holding each other, and three weeks later I was gone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and also one of the best decisions I could possibly have made for myself. (Again, I can say this with the gift of perspective. The six months after the breakup were some of the worst months of my life, but I got through them and I think they made me a stronger person. But I wouldn't relive them for a million dollars.)

Take a good look at his face when he is asleep beside you. Ask yourself what you see. Forget about "timing" and don't listen to anyone, including me. If you want to be with him there is no getting around it. Europe is not going away. And good sex is vastly underrated. I am not being facetious. If you look at him and see the one you love there is no more to say. Just don't bother to get married; it's a pain.

Europe is not going away. True, Europe will never go away. But the OP's ability to have children will. Sorry, I wish certain facts of life weren't facts of life, but they are. OP, I am sure you're familiar with the relevant biological realities about women and children. Your ability to safely have children is going to start declining at a certain point. What you've written here makes it obvious that if you want to have children, you have to break up with him. If you break up with him, it's going to be really, really unfun for a while. So are many things we have to do in life. You'll get through it. And one day you'll find yourself with someone else, someone you're focusing on and devoted to, but who you can't possibly focus on right now. And you'll look back on all this and laugh.

What Diablevert said. You both have a choice to make. A lot of couples spend time stalled at this same kids/no-kids crossroads, and some go forward together, and some don't. There are a lot of compromises people do make, but it's a very personal decision. Something that helped me once in a breakup was to imagine that my "real boyfriend" was on his way to meet me somewhere or pick me up and that I had to be ready in time. That image personified my dreams for the future. It felt less like I was choosing pain and loneliness over a pretty good relationship. I also think you might find this breakup a relief, like finally ripping the bandaid off. Good luck.

Dating: I read all of the mefi stories about how great online dating can be but only hear horror stories from my single friends over 26. As you know, AskMetafilter question where someone is looking for dating options gets flooded with recommendations -- by female as well as male commenters, including me. I'm pretty sure these commenters weren't planted by OKCupid staff. We're just as real as your friends! Online dating isn't all "horror stories." There are horror stories about "online" dating because there are always horror stories with dating, period. The "online" qualifier doesn't matter much. You seem to be thinking of "online" dating as some alien entity that would take the place of a genuine relationship. Actually, relationship that start from online dating sites aren't qualitatively different than other relationships. Example: I have an apartment. I found it on Craigslist. It isn't my "Craigslist apartment." It's just a normal apartment. Right? No one would question how genuine my apartment is. Another example: I often use air travel. I always buy the tickets on Travelocity. These aren't "Travelocity plane trips." They're just normal plane trips. Ho-hum. I've been in relationships with women I met on OKCupid and JDate. They weren't "OKCupid relationships" or "JDate relationships." They were just normal relationships. Nothing weird or alien about them. I use Craigslist and Travelocity and OKCupid because the internet makes it more convenient to get the same old stuff we wanted to get before the internet existed. That's it. If you're 33, soon to be 34, and determined to have children, I recommend finding new people to date sooner rather than later. Online dating isn't the be all and end all of dating in the 21st century. But many people have found it to be the most expeditious way to date. I'm not even ready to think about that yet but I wonder if I can find someone as great as my current SO. I get the impression I'm lucky to have found someone so compatible I'm sorry, but you don't sound very compatible, even based on your own description while you're in this relationship. I've felt this way in several past relationships: "How will I ever find someone so compatible???" Without fail, once I moved on to the next relationship, that concern seemed totally irrelevant in retrospect.

First of all, let me say that I have been there, and I empathize with you wholly. I'm actually kind of in the same situation yet again right now, which is why this comment is so long -- this comes from hard-won experience that I still have trouble following. It's a sad and frightening situation to find yourself in. This sentence stood out to me: "After spending all of my 20s not dating and not forming commitments... I feel like it is a shame to throw all of the freedom I've created for myself away." You mean 23-year-old you couldn't predict the future?! No, of course you couldn't. No one can. When you were 23, you had an idea of how you would like your life to go, and at that point the world was pretty much your oyster. Every time you came to a crossroads, you made the decision that seemed right at the time to get yourself closer to that goal. Just remember that it's ok if you decide that your goals have changed. You've come to a point where, no matter what you choose to do, you could regret this decision in a few years. The way you can avoid that is by really reflecting on what you want, then deciding which path is most likely to give you that. Then move forward knowing that you made that decision and therefore it was the right one. I stayed in a relationship for 4 years longer than I should have because early on I made the decision to completely uproot my life to be with him, far from my family and friends, and if it didn't work out then that would mean that was the wrong decision, and that terrified me. I tried everything to make it work, I tried to change myself to be happy with the life he wanted, but eventually I admitted to myself that I couldn't be happy with him and I had to leave. I only wish I had the courage to own up to that 4 years earlier. And really, moving to be with him wasn't the wrong decision. It was what I wanted at the time, and it was not made lightly. And I don't regret it, even though the breakup was very painful. I didn't return home with my tail between my legs -- I stayed here and continued to build my own awesome life. I actually think it's kind of fun to imagine how different my life would be if I had never chosen to move here. My point is, there's no such thing as a *wrong* decision in these circumstances. It's just a fork in the road, and you have to choose a path, which means you choose not to go down the other path. How your life goes could be very different depending on which path you take. But you have to choose, or let life choose for you. Do whatever you need to feel confident that you're making the right choice -- and remember that it's unlikely you will ever feel completely confident, because both of these choices have upsides and downsides. You have to listen to your gut and trust it. Be strong, and trust yourself. Somewhere inside of you, you know what the right choice is. I don't know what's right for you, nor does anyone else on the internet. Force yourself to be still and quiet for a time, and just think about what your life would be like if you went with Path A, then with Path B. Don't judge or scold yourself, don't get upset, just be still and quiet and notice how you feel when you think about each one. Do that over and over again, in different moods, on different days, in different places, in different seasons. If you start coming to the same conclusion 80% of the time, you have your answer. Have the courage to trust yourself. Whatever you choose to do, allow yourself some time to mourn the thing you're giving up. You cannot avoid pain here, so allow yourself to be sad for a time. If you choose to stay with him, you will have a wonderful partner and probably a hell of a lot more financial security than the average person, but allow yourself to mourn the fact that you will not have the traditional family you had always envisioned (and he needs to support you in mourning that, because that's a huge thing to give up). If you choose to leave him, there is still a chance you may have the family you envisioned, but allow yourself to mourn that you're leaving a great relationship and things still may not turn out like you want them to. Take as long as you need to mourn, but no longer. Then move forward and live the life you've chosen.