How important is it that two people in a relationship have a similar sense of humor?

My husband and I find different things funny. Well, that's not entirely true; there's a big overlap in our senses of humor, but I definitely find things funny that he doesn't. This is partly because I like frickin TERRIBLE jokes, like this one: Q: Why are elephants big and grey? A: Because if they were small and white, they'd be tic-tacs! See? Horrible joke. Makes me crack up every time. My husband just shakes his head and sighs. But there are definitely things that we both laugh hard at, and I think our relationship would be weaker without it.

In relationships and in life, people use humor as a coping mechanism when things get tough or as a crutch during arguments. So, if the comedic sensibilities of two people are way off, then that might be a problem during, for instance, a heated discussion where you make a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood the would just make things far worse. In that sense, I would say it's extremely important. A sense of humor is bigger than 'will he find my jokes funny' and 'will we agree on what movie to watch'; it also can be a clue into how they approach different situations, how they react to stress and complications, and more. You don't have to be Tina Fey and Steve Carell for things to go smoothly, I've seen many successful married couples where one is more serious and deadpan while the other is a bit goofy. It's the appreciation of the nuances and quirks of the other person that makes it work and keeps things going. Drastic differences in your comedic proclivities would also probably appear in other places far sooner than when you might even be analyzing your partner and thinking about the future. In the end, just think of whether or not both of you are happy together. Is the answer yes? Then don't sweat it.

My fiancé and I have some overlap in what we find funny, but in general... we don't have the same tastes at all. I love stand-up comedy, which he finds boring. He enjoys "embarrassment humor" in the vein of Borat & Curb Your Enthusiasm, which make me physically uncomfortable. We do find things that we both enjoy and that we both find funny. If he didn't enjoy The Big Lebowski as much as I do, I think we might be doomed. What's most important is that we respect each other's tastes and find ways to laugh about life together. We don't need to have the same tastes to be able to appreciate each other. OTOH, my ex and I had very similar sense of humor and both had the tendency to use humor as a defense mechanism... that was awful. Everything turned into a joke, no matter how serious it really was, and we really wore each other down. Sometimes you really need balance rather than overlapping preferences.

I think if not a similar sense of humor, then a willingness to at least indulge/respect the the person is very important in a relationship. In my case, I tend to be more serious when I am stressed out, and am in a phase in my life where I am stressed out a lot! My SO is a very jokey person, and while there are times that I just want to roll my eyes, I understand that his humor is one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. So I do my best to enjoy the moment and to show my appreciation. On the other hand, when I am really not in the mood, he does his best to show respect and tone down a bit. It's not always perfect, but there's no such thing as perfection in relationships. Like I said, it's more of a willingness to accept and accomodate that is very important. Being on the same page is great, but I don't think that being on different pages (as long as there is willingness) needs to be a deal-breaker.

I used to think it was weird that people made such a big deal out of the role of humor in a relationship. I think I understand now. It's partly just an aspect of enjoying the other person's company. If you find your SO hilarious then it's a lot more fun to be around them. But mainly it's that humor reflects core components of one's personality. Rarely, I've found, will you encounter someone whose humor encompasses both wry sarcasm and bawdy double entendres. A person with a great sense of humor may lean far more heavily towards one of these than the other. But greatness is in the eye of the beholder. A quiet, introverted intellectual type will probably find a person with the former sense of humor far more engaging and interesting than a person with the latter sense of humor. The opposite may be true of someone who's talkative, outgoing, etc. So it's not so much a matter of finding someone with a good sense of humor, it's finding a person with a similar sense of humor. And it's not so much about the humor itself as what the humor is indicative of. Obviously these are pretty sweeping generalizations, but I don't think they're altogether unreasonable.

For some of us, wit and playful verbal humor is incredibly important for feeling at ease, challenged and safe, all at once. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that it took a long time for me to realize that while the kind of men I connected with best didn't have to be professional-level funny, they did have to be verbally playful and capable of sparring with me. The kind of funny didn't matter: they could be dryly sarcastic, goofy, or amazing at voices or physical comedy, but most of all, they had to be willing to share and play. And if we could outright laugh at each other's jokes, all the better. I can see my younger and older sisters making the same kind of choices in their husbands, and it probably reflects our family dynamics when we were growing up. (My ex-husband, on the other hand, very, very rarely made me laugh, although he did laugh at my jokes, and he couldn't get the verbal flow and playfulness other boyfriends of mine had in spades. He specialized in laboured, painfully assembled puns, sitting up all bright eyed and expectant of a giggle that often had to be forced. You may take that as a metaphor if you like.) So if you, your friends and your family are all tuned in on the same wavelength in humor, you will probably find that you are attracted to the same kind of guy. If you find yourself with someone who has a very different sense of humor, or little humor or wit at all, maybe it will work, if he's otherwise great. But if humor is important to you, your odds are probably better with someone who makes you laugh.

If it's important to you then it's important. Otherwise, it's not. If you love humor and want it to be a big part of your life and your relationship, you should obviously look for someone who fills that need. If grilled cheese sandwiches are your thing, then find someone who's into that. And take my wife, please.

This is a great question! I too find that laughter and finding the funny sides of things are absolutely indispensable to a decently-regulated life. That being said... First question: The only way this would be a deal-breaker is if said partner was REALLY humorless, not just if they found different things funny. Chances are, I would have just never thought of it before and it probably IS funny if you can get into his/her head enough to "get it." I've found that you can really get to know someone by what they laugh at and what they (inexplicably, usually) don't, and it can be a really cool experience to meet someone whose sense of humor doesn't exactly match yours - as long as they have one! Second question: I've really never been in a relationship with anyone by whom I was not entertained (and could entertain) sufficiently. That's because I would know by about the first half-hour that this would be the case, and, yes, it was a huge deal-breaker. That hasn't happened very much though (in fact, I can only think of one really striking example at the moment). Third question: It is everything, yet it is also nothing. This is really hard to explain - analysis of humor almost always falls flat. But I'll try, via personal example. My current boyfriend is just utterly hilarious - but sometimes he's not. Sometimes he doesn't think I'm funny at all, but usually he does. One thing we have in common, though, without which we would have killed each other long ago, is that we value laughter and find humor in the dumbest, smartest, most random things in the world. It's not necessarily a matter of knowing all the same jokes or finding the exact same things funny - it's more about being able to express your own particular and peculiar views on things and your SO being able to "get" where you're coming from. And it's also just being able to see the hilarity in absurdity, too. I know this is terribly vague, but it's SO HARD to analyze funny things! BF likes to make up impromptu lyrics to songs on the radio. You know that song about "when a heart breaks it don't break even," and there's this line that goes "I'm falling to PIIIIEEEEEE-ces, yeah?" One time we were driving somewhere, just quietly thinking, and that song came on. It made it about halfway through, and all of a sudden he starts singing, "Assortments of CHEEEEEEEE-ses, yeah." I still giggle about that when I'm laying in bed at night and can't sleep. So, yeah, humor is variable.

It's very important to me to be able to laugh with the person I'm involved with. I was married to a near-humorless prick once, and it was a grim experience. I had no idea how to relate to this person, no tools to cajole him out of a bad mood or to lighten an argument, no reliable way to create spontaneous fun with him. It was depressing and frustrating. Being able to laugh together is one of the best things about my current relationship. It bonds us, it makes us closer, it feels healing after an argument or misunderstanding. It smooths over life's rough spots and enhances our together time. We're never bored with each other, and when we are apart and encounter something funny we can't wait to share it with each other. It's just a huge part of relationship happiness for me. I would never want to be with someone I couldn't have that sort of bond with.