Can love without infatuation still be "real love"?

As someone who has spent far, far too much of her life caught up in the tortured-soul drama and drug-like highs of infatuation, I recommend you do your best to put your questions to rest and count your blessings. Give your overactive mind something else to chew on instead of letting it dissect your relationship. Your doubts are understandable, but really, I don't think you're missing out on anything. Infatuation can be fun at times, sure, but it has an oft-overlooked dark side; I've learned the hard way that sometimes there is a very steep emotional and spiritual price to be paid for such intensity. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship, with many joys and the promise of deep satisfaction. Enjoy it to the fullest! There's http://www.lostpedia.com/wiki/It%27s_Getting_Better with lyrics that seem appropriate: Once I believed that when love came to me It would come with rockets, bells and poetry But with me and you it just started quietly and grew And believe it or not Now there's something groovy and good Bout whatever we got And it's getting better Growing stronger warm and wilder Getting better everyday, better everyday I don't feel all turned on and starry eyed I just feel a sweet contentment deep inside Holding you at night just seems kind of natural and right And it's not hard to see That it isn't half of what it's going to turn out to be...

In my experience, infatuation in romantic relationships only happens with people you do not know very well, or fully understand. It's the lure of the unknown that makes that "high" possible. And yeah, that high can be pretty fun for a little while. But eventually you find out that it is based on things you projected onto the person, your own fantasies, rather than qualities inherent to person themselves. At that point you get real. Getting real is the best part in my opinion, but it is the opposite of being high. Getting real means you may find out the person doesn't embody everything you thought you saw when you were high. You have to evaluate who they actually are, and who you are together. That's why making longterm decisions in the infatuation stage can be a tricky gamble. And why some people, especially in their twenties, constantly chase the next "high." They confuse the high of the fantasy for the reality of love. That you skipped this brief stage and got to know someone well, to love the actual reality of the two of you together, sounds pretty awesome to me. (PS I would answer very differently if you hadn't mentioned the great sex)

Yes. This is exactly how it happened with me and my husband. He was infatuated with me; I put up with him at first, because I had a soft spot for him. Then I grew fonder and fonder of him. Then I realized that I was happier when he was there and sadder when he wasn't there. Then I realized that I loved him. Long story short: Together more than 20 years, married 15 years. We're both still in love, still best friends, and still can't imagine being with anyone else. I've seen so many "infatuations" break up on the rocks that I eventually concluded that the need to be "head over heels" and have "love at first sight" and all such socially stipulated manifestations of romance were nothing but a bill of goods sold to the impressionable by songs and movies. It's dandy if it happens, but it doesn't particularly foretell anything, positive or negative.

Some self-help http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805068953/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/ http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_into.html that "chemistry" (the head-over-heels thing) can be a mark of danger or impending issues in a relationship. I can think of exceptions, so I wouldn't say it's necessarily a bad thing, but I do think that at least some high-chemistry relationships are compelling because the partners really "fit" each other in ways both good and bad. People can be perfectly wrong for one another. People can fall intensely in love and then come to passionately hate each other. So I recommend people totally ignore that early infatuation (or lack thereof) and instead look at whether a relationship is chaotic, destabilizing, boring, deadening, and something that doesn't seem to have a future, or whether it's strengthening, stabilizing, interesting, enlivening, and something you can imagine lasting. Sounds like you have something good going for you.

I have a friend who married someone she knew since childhood. They had dated in high school, broken up but remained friends, then got together again after college. At the wedding, the priest mentioned (with their permission) that one of the things that had come up in the pre-wedding counseling was that they had never felt any sudden spark, just that they had very gradually grown to love each other. That was 12 years ago. They are still happily married.

I've done the infatuation thing. It was a lot of fun. And then I broke up with every one of those people after only a couple of weeks. I got to know them, and realized that after we'd gone through all the positions in the Kama Sutra, there wasn't a lot left to do. On the other hand, I was never infatuated with my wife. And I love her tremendously. The lack of infatuation seems to be problematic only if you let yourself compare your experience to fiction.

What you have is better.

Yes. We call this "quietly falling in love." There does not need to be a side dish of stalker-like obsession to go with that.

Is it possible to be in love without having been ga-ga infatuated? Yup. If so, how do I stop over thinking this and just enjoy the ride? You stop over thinking this and just enjoy the ride.