I can't move on after this break up, and I'm beating myself up for every mistake I make. How do I stop?

And I'm having trouble moving forward because despite the break up, there is hope for getting back together in the future. It's not guaranteed, nor is he saying it's a guarantee. But he's not saying it's impossible. He continues to say he would love to be with me, but can't right now because the circumstances of his life are such that he can't possibly devote any attention to a relationship. You are not going to be ok until you decide that IT IS OVER and you are NOT EVER getting back together. You will waste years of your life this way. Of course it hurts, but you know you're only making it hurt worse. You can either endure the pain of separation now, and in a few months or a year you might actually fall in love again... or you can keep feeling exactly as shitty as you do now, waiting around for him to decide to love you. Honestly, I think he's being very selfish and cruel by not breaking it off with you outright, and you owe it to yourself to do what he won't, which is to cease all contact immediately.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. We've all been there, and we all know how much it hurts. This is hard advice to take, but I think it's important: when someone breaks up with you and blames it on circumstances, you have to hear that as "I don't want to be in a relationship with you." Anything else is a recipe for heartbreak. I can't tell you how many people I've seen hang around, waiting for circumstances to change, only to be hurt anew when their ex starts dating someone else. I've done it. Most of us have. But, more importantly, I've also been your ex. I've broken up with someone who I did care about, but who, ultimately, I didn't want to be with. I blamed circumstances because I thought I was sparing her feelings. She kept asking me if I thought we might be together again some day. I should have said no. But she looked so sad, and I just didn't have it in me to hurt her more, so I hemmed and hawed and hedged my bets. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. This was stupid and unfair and weak of me. And, I see in retrospect, it was cruel, no matter how good my motives. It remains one of the things I've done that I'm least proud of, and I will never do it again. But seriously, people who break up with you and refuse to do so definitively, who won't say you're getting back together but won't say you're not, are bad news. The only thing for you to do here is to cut off all contact, delete his number from your phone, block him on facebook, and spend some time without him in your life. It will suck, but one day it will suck less, and then one day it won't suck at all. I wish there was a better way, but there really isn't.

You are not going to be ok until you decide that IT IS OVER and you are NOT EVER getting back together. You will waste years of your life this way. Yes, and have others have said, do not contact him. At all. Not even, "heya, saw this article and thought of you, hope all's well" (trust me, I have sat on my hands to avoid sending such "innocuous" emails). Stop ALL contact. This is the only thing tbat will help at all. And really. You will waste years of your life, that's no joke. DON'T.

"The best I can tell you is that you try to put that person out of your mind when you can, and if you do find yourself thinking about him, remind yourself that it wasn't all good. We have a habit, you know, of looking back with nostalgia and dwelling only on the best things when we think of what we have lost. " This! This times a million (thanks, misha). Thinking about him is the fastest way to fall back into pining and crying yourself to sleep over the wonderful boyfriend who lives in your imagination. I understand that not demonizing him could jive better with your personal philosophy (see yarly's post), but I'm standing by the idea that not thinking about his good qualities, the good times you had together, the little sweet gestures he's performed for you, etc. etc. can be crucial in order to move on. OP, you said that you "desperately" want to be with him, and that you still really care about him. These feelings are perfectly understandable - I felt the same way about my ex for a couple of months (at least) after he dumped me. I thought of what a great boyfriend he was for me - always on time, wanting to hold hands constantly, calling to talk for 2-3 hours daily during the summer months. How would I ever meet a guy as great as he was? OP, this wistful line of thinking will set you back miles in the healing process. You must flip that switch in your head that's feeding you happy memories! What great qualities are you imagining about him "between the lines" that aren't there? Like misha said, he broke up with you over email, for goodness sake! He's stringing you along until it's convenient for him to love you. How selfish is that? No matter his good intentions in telling you there's hope for a future together, he is acting selfishly. He may have a good reason for doing so, but him having good reasons for treating you badly doesn't mean he's not treating you badly. You deserve better than that, woman! You can bet that there are men going through divorces who are willing to make emotional space for the woman they're dating. Men who are man enough to break up with someone they've been dating for six months in person. How cowardly, and insensitive, of your ex. How dare he treat you like that? You deserve to be treated like the princess you are by someone you're dating, OP. You are a strong woman with dignity and self-worth. You're a big-hearted, loving person who is willing to overlook his flaws, overcome the rough circumstances with him, and love him for who he is. He's not willing to do the same for you. You're not crying relentlessly because of the Invisible Hand of "Timing." A human being - your ex - caused you pain. Do you really want to be with a guy who treated you like this? You can fill in the rest of what I don't know about instances in which he wasn't such a great romantic partner. I began to see, gradually, that the great boyfriend that inhabited my post break up ruminations didn't exist in real life, and didn't exist in my memories, either. He may have talked with me on the phone for hours, but it was me who was carrying the conversations. He may have held my hand in public, but he never conveyed to me in private that he was proud of me. Thinking about your ex in this way will help you to stop being sad. Dwelling on the good times offers false comfort. What's real is the person he is right this second, and that person doesn't care about you in the way you care about him. Therefore, this man is not good enough for you, OP. You are the chooser, and you don't choose him. Even if you don't think this way right now, just try. I promise you it can help you to get your life back.

1. How do I stop beating myself up for having an emotional breakdown and calling him? By knowing that everyone goes through something like this at least once in our lives, and we've all done the breaking down and calling when we know we shouldn't. You're only human. Give yourself a break and acknowledge that you made a mistake, and that's okay. 2. How do I move forward when I feel so much in limbo? I desperately want to be with him, but know it's impossible right now, and it may not be possible in the future either. There was once a time in your life when this guy was not a part of it. What did you do before you met him? Can you remember? Do you have friends that you can reconnect with, hobbies that maybe you haven't indulged in because the two of you were busy with each other? Do those things. I'm crying relentlessly, feeling depressed, anxious, and also selfish that I am leaning on him for comfort when what he is going through is so much more soul-crushing and distressful than my pain over a break up. I so wish I could just give you a hug right now, because I really feel for you. But please do not feel selfish for needing comfort now. You don't have to compete for "who is hurting more." I do think, though, that you need to lean on your friends and family now rather than this man. I believe he feels he is trying to be kind and help you, but it really will be harder to pull away if you turn to him, believe me. 3. How do you move on when you still really care about someone, they care about you, but the timing is just completely screwed up? The best I can tell you is that you try to put that person out of your mind when you can, and if you do find yourself thinking about him, remind yourself that it wasn't all good. We have a habit, you know, of looking back with nostalgia and dwelling only on the best things when we think of what we have lost. But you surely had arguments, and there must have been times when he wasn't perfect--for instance, he originally broke up with you over email! That sucks. Force yourself to remember the bad times, not just the good. It will help you to move on.

1. How do I stop beating myself up for having an emotional breakdown and calling him? It's totally understandable, and it sounds like he's not judging you for it. But: Delete his number from your phone. Right now. Do it. 2. How do I move forward when I feel so much in limbo? I desperately want to be with him, but know it's impossible right now, and it may not be possible in the future either. You are not in limbo. You are broken up. It's over. It's going to really suck for a few more weeks, and then kind of suck for a while after that, and then (sooner than you think) it won't suck at all anymore. But there's no skipping the part where it sucks. 3. How do you move on when you still really care about someone, they care about you, but the timing is just completely screwed up? There are no magic tricks. It's a shitty situation, but you're strong, and you'll come out alright.

First, I want to agree with everyone up-thread. It's very important to break off all contact for a significant amount of time. This is not to punish him or make you forget him--instead, it is something we do because after a break-up, you need to stop and remember who you are when you're just you, and not you-with-someone-else. I'm commenting, though, to point out that this guy really is not in a good place to have a relationship with you. Divorce is a really strange emotional time even WITHOUT conflict and nastiness. What I said about you and re-definition goes doubly so for someone in the midst of a divorce. It's like, first you've got to come up with the presence of self to leave, then you have to wait for the dust to settle, and THEN you have to stop and breathe and see what's left of yourself, and it's a lot harder and bigger when you've entangled your life with someone as a part of a marriage for a long time. So, truly, this guy does not have the emotional space for you in his life right now, and I think he's wise to know this and break it off. It is entirely possible that he will find his way back to you, sure, but you absolutely cannot bank on that, or dwell on that. He needs time, and you absolutely need to live your life and move on. Cut him off and remember who you are. Do the stuff you like to do. Mourn, too. It'll be okay in a while--I promise you this as someone who has both been dumped and who has also struggled to get over a really intense what I thought was the love of my life relationship (separate occasions--I ended the latter), and also as someone who went through a divorce.

Every second you spend waiting for this man is a second you spend away from a future relationship where you are the top priority. I had the exact same situation and I understand your position. My boyfriend loved me, I loved him, but he was not ready to be (and did not want to be) in a long term relationship. It was so, so hard to move on but once I had moved out of the area and started going on a ton of dates (internet dating is your friend here) and gotten out with my friends, it seemed a lot less important to me. I had fun, lived my life, and months later when I saw my ex we were friendly and now we are back together and better than ever. This would not have happened if I had sat around waiting for him. I promise.

I was dumped in late February. There were a couple of emails within 24 hours of the breakup, but I told him I wanted a clean breakup and no contact for at least a few weeks. I set an arbitrary date in my mind for possibly talking to him again, maybe to be friends or whatever, after the initial pain would be over. I spent some time on the couch, watching The Universe Season 1 on Netflix (highly recommended! the cold expanse of the universe puts heartbreak in perspective), mostly not eating and doing a lot of furious writing in my diary. It was hard. I won't say it wasn't. But I'll tell you, the arbitrary date came and went and I knew I wasn't ready to talk to him, even if I had the excuse of "well, we said we'd talk in a few weeks". I didn't want to talk to him. The thought of him made me angry, not wistful. That's how far I'd come in the process. Another few weeks passed. I unfriended him on Facebook because his posts pissed me off. I had a party and invited all my friends. I started eating at 'our' restaurant. 'Our' song came on the radio. I filled up my life with stuff that didn't involve him. Today, it has been just over three months since the breakup. I have a ton of stuff going on in my life, and because of throwing myself into those things, I met someone new. I started dating him. It is really nice and we are starting to be very comfortable together, and I don't have a lot of pain or rage over my ex anymore. I want to spend time with the new guy. So, cut off contact. Sulk around for a few weeks and then throw yourself into some new activities. Get a new set of sheets. Start up a new exercise routine. Get a new hairstyle. The pain will pass sooner than you think it will.