How to avoid someone you're attracted to you know isn't good for you?

Of course you want him! He was an ass to the world and then treated you like you were super special-- He's a drama queen at best and narcissist at worst. If you think about his attraction to you as just his attraction to himself (he's playing with his power), you might not be so lustful. Other offensive maneuvers: 1) Masturbate before you know you're going to see him. Takes the edge off, so to speak. 2) Pep talks to yourself in she shower. 3) Take up a new hobby that requires intense concentration. (This sounds crazy, but crushing on a new activity is very effective at killing the urge to crush on people who are losers, in my experience. You instantly become too awesome for them.) Don't shame yourself for feeling this way. It'll feed the taboo around crushing on him and make your attraction stronger. Acknowledge you totally want to fuck him, and then acknowledge he is a total ass, and then acknowledge whoa, you are so smart because you know better than to do that in real life.

I would just talk to your LDR partner about it. Not "oh my gosh I'm so worried I'm going to be unfaithful to you and get into a mess" but rather "you would not believe what the idiot player in my class did now." A few conversations like that and you'll have reminded your inner moron of all the reasons this is a terrible idea, and the parts of you that are all excited about this seeming opportunity will get with the not-gonna-go-there program.

How can I find my way out of this feeling? I guarantee that if you just hang in there a bit he will eventually do something that will take attraction off the table for you entirely. I say this because, reading your post, you don't like this guy at all and are actually semi-repulsed by his behavior. And he sounds much too impressed with himself plus damaged plus desperate for attention not to ultimately do something over the top that will turn you off. Give it some time. Also, if you totally ignore him he will disappear just 'like that'. He likes working a bit harder for your attention--but that is all.

Also, you really need to remember that this guy and your relationship have nothing to do with each other. They aren't opposites. It's a false choice. Choosing him "over" your boyfriend will very likely just mean you sleep with him, he leaves you, and then your boyfriend finds out and he leaves you. Not fun, and not the easiest way to end things if that's what you want. If you don't feel like you still love your boyfriend, maybe you can just mentally thank douchebag for helping you to realize that in a cosmic sense, allow that to be his sole function (some of us only exist to teach a lesson to others, especially douchebaggy guys...heh) and then find a THIRD guy who can actually be what you need.

He wants you. It's probably more like he wants you to help him work the other girl, the ex. He's probably feeling you out to see how easy you'll be to dump once he gets what/who he really wants. You probably don't want to be used like that.

I guarantee that if you just hang in there a bit he will eventually do something that will take attraction off the table for you entirely. Exactly. All you need to do is wait. Don't be alone with him, that takes care of the practicalities. In the meantime you might as well enjoy fantasizing. Indulge in it. He will very soon reveal something repellant about himself that deflates the fantasy like a wilting helium balloon. Consider that if you slept with him, there's a good chance he's hate you afterwards and destroy your reputation. If you let it get to the point where you have to bluntly reject him, he might lash out at you as well. Back off, play dumb, lay low, and count your blessings, is my advice. Right now, you have all the power. He wants you. Enjoy being wanted and make yourself scare so it lingers like a slow burn. As soon as you give in and show your cards, he wins and you've gone back a few squares on the gameboard. To mix metaphors. That's just how it is with people like him.

I think I'm reading some addiction or near-addiction issues hidden (or not so hidden) in your post, which is exactly what this dude seems to be pushing in you, button-wise. There's a reason that addicts (I'm not saying you're an addict, just to be clear) are encouraged to stay away from the influencers in their lives, because that exact type of "I know it's bad, but isn't it good?" behavior is a perfect storm to get one picking up again. The same often goes for drama. Drama gets adrenaline flowing and it's a bit of a rush, so the closer you get to being "bad," the more tempting it is to going over the edge. See this guy for what he is: a temporary, bad fix of something that's going to make you feel like shit as soon as the fun "bad" effects wear off.

I have to tell you, I'm thinking of my friend Laura, she's got her troubles same as anyone but damn, is she ever strong, it just comes pouring out of her eyes. Whoa! She'd look this mook dead in the eye and tell him to keep his goddamn feet to himself, and then look at the others at the table knowing that she'd done right, same as if she'd brushed away a mosquito. At the very least she'd say "Hey, who's stepping on my foot?" The game would stop right there. Another person I thought of is a writer who used the time spent in airplanes to write, he really valued this block of hours -- he would put a piece of string hanging from his nose, no one would say a word to him. This wouldn't work in your scene, because of the other people that you've got to keep cool around, otherwise I suspect it'd work great, it'd humble you to the point where you'd know it was done with and it'd chase him off for sure. Someone upthread talked about envisioning him sitting on the john or wearing a ratty bath-robe, walking unshaven around his house scratching himself -- hows about you imagine yourself sitting on the john with some horrific loud fart attack, or walking past him in dirty underpants, that ratty pair you've got tucked in the back of your drawer, the emergency shorts. I damn sure don't think you ought to tell your sweetie about this at all, no need to get him worried about this. It's an adult situation, you're an adult, I'm positive you can deal with it on your own, and you'll be building strengths when you do. I know that you could/would give me great advice if I came to you asking for your help, positive you'd tell me to not give this guy the time of day. The way I see it, you're in an even better position than someone who has never chased and slept around, as they might be deluded, thinking somehow that there's something to this, whereas you *know* that there is nothing there, that's it's an awfully empty place to live, you *know* how lucky you are to have found A Good Thing. Here's a thought for you late on a Friday night, a time when many, many people are examining their lives without love in them -- not everybody gets to find A Good Thing. They don't have the warmth in their heart that you have, knowing that a good man loves you and that you love him, too. This guys a dope and you know it, enjoy The Good Thing you have been lucky enough to find.

From the OP:Thanks to everyone who has commented on this post. After a day away from the situation, and reading the comments, I couldn't help but laugh at how ridiculous I have been about this. Of course my gut instincts were right! I've met - and been involved - with people like him before, and I'm not in touch with them now because they are erratic, selfish, and narcissistic, no matter how interesting they seemed initially. Obviously I cannot control his behaviour, but I shouldn't react to it. Eroticising is something to go back to my therapist about, but it should be something that stays in the mind and is never acted out. Narcissistic personality disorder with a soupcon of histrionic seems to fit this person really well. I particularly valued HopperFan, marimeko, xingcat and Nixy's comments, although all comments were supportive and useful. To get a new hobby or interest, in particular, is great advice. One of my problems here has been trying to find ways to do things I used to like doing in a new setting with a host of other things to sort out at the same time, such as finding work. I've probably become overattached to this social group, because they are the first people I've met since I came here who weren't from my home town that I had something in common with. Now I want to meet people outside of it and develop other networks too. To clarify: I wasn't sure if I liked him as a person, but I wasn't quite willing to dislike him actively, even if its patently clear that I don't really like him! I don't think, however, that he is going to try to make me overdose on drugs or alcohol or anything else. I don't think he has good boundaries, but I knew from the first that he'd never exactly get that far. He isn't a complete sociopath either (I've met a few). When he told me the messed up friend in a coma story, it was clear that it wasn't just one friend but a whole group taking drugs, he felt responsible for this (and maybe particularly afraid after it?) because this was his particularly good friend. Now it is not a happy story, and the reasons he told it can be interpreted and analysed in a few ways, but I don't think he wants to kill anyone. I laughed a lot when people mentioned the jealous game. I am pretty certain he will do that with some willing female and I even think I know that there is a victim in sight. If that doesn't pan out, I'm sure you're right! He'll try and do it with someone else. I do have some addiction issues, but I am very aware of them. I did mention our narcissist's attempt at a game of footsie to another person in our group just before I excused myself, in an eye-rolling 'What the hell did I not mention before that I'm practically married? What's his problem?' I really liked the idea of saying 'who's standing on my toe?'. It's the right attitude. At this juncture I did not want to be confrontational, but I am plenty capable of it. I've been around this block before a few times! My crush, or button-pushed interest, should just be allowed to run a quiet course and let die.