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How does my sister get her suicidal roommate's family to get involved instead of leaving it all on her?

  • My sister is in med school. Her roommate, "Jane," is unwell in many, many ways. My sister doesn't have time to keep on being the hospital and police liaison and chief ambulance driver for her roommate. How do we get "Jane's" family to step up and take some responsibility? In the nine months since my sister started medical school, her roommate has made at least three suicide attempts; the first landed her in the hospital for a week, the second was stopped, only to have her turn around and take a bottle of Tylenol the next day, which got her another multiple-day stay in the hospital. Jane also cuts herself. She has had some therapy/psych eval, but it seems that, at this point, she needs a bit more. Ok, a lot more. Jane's a grad student, mid twenties, obviously depressed, and is still having health problems related to the most recent suicide attempt, which happened a couple weeks ago. Her family lives nearby, and yet has refused to visit her or take any part in picking her up from the hospital on any of these occasions, instead leaving that responsibility to my sister. They do not return my sister's calls, do not visit their daughter in the hospital, and do not appear to care what is going on in their daughter's life when my sister does manage to get them to answer the phone. "Jane's" latest suicide took a huge toll on my sister's schedule: her days are spent driving back and forth to the hospital, trying to get "Jane's" family to return her calls, trying to reschedule the exams that she's missing due to all of this. My sister is overwhelmed. Completely overwhelmed. Wait, it gets worse. Yesterday, "Jane" was raped a half block from their house. Once again, my sister has taken care of everything, and Jane's family has not bothered to return a call to see how their daughter is doing. Legally, they are not "Jane's" guardians. She's an adult. But my sister needs to be out of this situation, and it's really hard for her to move out when she's worried about her roommate on so many fronts. What to do? What to do? My sister has already been planning on moving out at the end of June, but she is now wanting to leave ASAP. She's not the appropriate person to help "Jane," but she seems to be the only one who will do anything for her. That makes it pretty hard for her to decide to do what she needs to stay healthy herself: get out of this situation that has gone from bad to worse post haste. So, tell me, hive mind. What advice can you give to her? What should she tell the girl's family, if anything? Most importantly, what might she say that will actually help them get more involved and maybe get Jane what she needs?

  • Answer:

    If "your daughter was raped yesterday" doesn't get Jane's family to step up, I think they're pretty much a lost cause. I'm just baffled. Have they given any reason why they won't help Jane? Has your sister been able to engage them in any sort of conversation on the matter?

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Geez Claudia - if the girl is about to kill herself, surely getting kicked out of medical school is the lesser of two evils?

handee

(sorry - the klklalksjdflajsdf at the bottom was to make sure I did indeed close the small tag and it didn't screw up the "My Comments" page, but as I always do, I hit Post instead of Preview. Though kljaklsjdlfa does pretty well sum up the situation)

Iamtherealme

Regarding the credibility of the rape story, I have my doubts too. It just seems like too much; I in fact did say a few things like "Right! Sure she was. No, seriously?" when my sister told me. Apparently, there is a police report, etc. I still am on the fence--and if it's made up, I'm even more upset, since my sister seems to believe the story and is now scared about a rapist being loose in the neighborhood, to add to her not-insignificant other concerns.

bloggerwench

Your sister needs to call her school's counseling services, not about Jane, but about herself. She needs support in extricating herself from a harmful and potentially dangerous situation. The counseling people might also have some insight into what is appropriate to do for Jane. But your sister is in over her head here, and there are resources on campus to help her.

craichead

Yes, definitely check with the school. Start with the counseling center, or if the school has something like http://www.odos.uiuc.edu/emergency/, call them.

MsMolly

Most med school deans I've heard of are supremely protective of their students and will bend over backwards to help them. It sounds like Jane is going to need some serious counsellings and attention. Your sister needs to contact the deans, and get out of the situation ASAP. Fortunately, she's just finishing up first year which (at my med school at least) is a little more "laid back" than the rest of it. She's most likely got only more one more round of exams, so she can probably power through that. Tell her to take the summer off, relax, change her cell phone number, and be ready to hit second year running. She should work with the school and Jane so that it does not affect her next year as she is going through Pathology hell and preparing for board exams.

ruwan

Please don't tell your sis to report Jane to the school officials -- yikes! Medical students who are known to have MH problems have incredible problems getting residencies, getting licensed, even when very well qualified. I know because they call me to help with their discrimination problems. This is also happening at undergraduate schools -- kids have been kicked out of school for being suicidal. Go to the Bazelon center's web site for details re several cases they have brought. Here's the http://www.bazelon.org/newsroom/2006/10-30-06NottSettle.htmabout one. Instead reach out to confidential counselors, NOT the school officials. If Jane won't work to get better, well, that's her choice.

ClaudiaCenter

Send a letter, certified mail, copied to several people at the university: Dean of students, the head of any medical facilities that exist, and the university president. Describe the situation. SNIP What may well happen is that Jane is immediately expelled from the university, but whatever, Something Will Happen. Again, I think this is a terrible idea. Sister needs to get out of the situation (and get her own MH care, perhaps). Jane will get help, or not, will survive med school, or not. Taking affirmative steps to get a person forever kicked out of medical school based on their MH status is really bad karma. (Note: A person kicked out of medical school is often disqualified from other medical schools. I know, again, from medical students calling me about getting discriminated against based on having MH problems while in school one, and being unable to gain admittance to school two.) Actual qualifications -- passing classes, being able to give appropriate care -- can and will be assessed by the medical school and licensing system. If Jane doesn't get help she likely will not become a doctor -- but based on merit not based on Yikes! Scary! letters to the dean.

ClaudiaCenter

Claudia, I believe it is the sister that is in medical school, not Jane.

kitty teeth

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