Help me decide whether to get out of a convoluted relationship.

For the record, I have a very wide and tolerant definition of what makes a working relationship, and I often go against the "DTMF!" tide, but in this case, I do not think what you have is a working relationship. You seem to be no kind of functioning unit beyond friends, except for financial entanglement. And I mean that in a much broader picture than you two not having sex; by your own admission, you are not close to your spouse, and he has zero interest in building intimacy. The fact that you seem to like him as a person isn't enough of a reason to stay married to him. The fact that you're afraid you won't like him any more because his behaviour may change when you initiate divorce proceedings is also not a reason to stay married. As to your fears, I can understand what you're saying. There is something nice about simply being part of a couple - it can feel like a social acceptability seal of approval if you have low self-esteem, which I think you do. But for the love of God, please realise: You are already alone. You are already in an unhealthy relationship. Consult a local attorney and talk to her about your marital loans and options for dividing your finances and obligations so you have a reality-bound understanding of what divorce might look like for you. Then tell your spouse NOT TO MOVE BACK as unfortunately, you simply cannot stay in a marriage as broken as this one.

I would really hate to see him upset or sad, especially because of something I did (he really is not a bad person). "Upset or sad"?? Uh, yeah, people who get divorced are likely to be upset or sad about it. That's life. That doesn't mean no one should ever get divorced. And you're a case study in someone who should get divorced: a totally unsatisfying marriage with no kids. You're already upset and sad about the situation. Why should his feelings trump yours? And surely you don't really think any of us are going to tell you to stay in the marriage because if you divorce him he might send you too many emails! As for his financial situation, that's his problem. I wouldn't take such a cavalier attitude about this with many marriages, but there has to be some minimum level of being a good spouse before one can expect one's marriage to provide a financial safety net. He hasn't been a minimally good spouse. I mean, even if you could totally rationalize the lack of sex, still: you say that he has never complimented you, ever. You mention this just once, in a longer list of items, but I'd think it deserves a whole big relationshipfilter question of its own. I don't know how you can tolerate a relationship with someone who never says anything nice about you. I agree with all the above comments and would be shocked if anyone who comments here disagrees. In fact, it's interesting that you even felt the need to post this question. Either you couldn't predict how simple and unanimous the response would be (which suggests you're in denial about how bad the situation is), or you knew what the response would be -- which suggests you've already made up your mind and are looking for confirmation.

You sound like a people pleaser (I feel like that too often). Unfortunately, there is no way to end this relationship without rocking the boat and being, to some extent, the "bad" person who takes something away from him. You will be alone, adrift. Afraid. It will be horrible. It will also be exhilerating. You will see sides of yourself you never knew existed. You will be strong. You will recognise how much happiness is still out there to be discovered by the new you, a person you have barely gotten a glimpse of. You sound like you are letting something slowly die inside you. End this.

I would feel very guilty leaving him to fend for himself. What would happen to him without a job? That's his problem, not yours. Leave. Don't waste another minute of your life in this awful relationship. Do it before he moves back in, especially if one or both of you would be moving to another city. Absolutely do not continue to support him or send him money or respond to his anger or passive-aggressive behavior; you can autodelete his email and screen his calls. Do not take on the entirety of the responsibility for the loans -- why on earth should you pay for his grad school? Why not the other way around? You do not have any reason to bend over backwards and make things as easy as possible for him. You two will have to work something out there, lawyers will need to be involved, and it will be No Fun At All for a while. And once it's over you'll have your life again. not to mention the fear of being in an "unhealthy" relationship. What the heck do you think you're in right now? Don't fear being single. It will be a vast improvement over this sexless, loveless pretense at a marriage. I have a feeling that once you're freed of this dead weight your self-confidence and happiness will return, and the "dating scene" won't look nearly so scary (nor as necessary).

I think in complicated situations like this need clarity about 'where you're at'. lIt almost seems like what your question isn't: "Help me decide to get out of a convoluted relationship" but "I know what I want to do, but help me figure out how to extract myself from my convoluted relationship" ...because all you've talked about are your fears about what might happen, both if you stay or go. (He might not make it, what about the finances, he might negatively affect my career, I'm not sure how I can make it on my own on the dating scene, etc.) I often think what when people have those concerns, they don't have a decision question, they have an implementation question. And I think that's important because while I think some people can just say "F*ck it. It's tuesday, and that's as good a day as any. I'm out the door. I'll figure out all of this from a friend's house, which is where I'm going *right* now", I think other people don't take steps until they see how they can do this, and have a plan. But really, in the end they are no less committed to protecting themselves and moving on with their like. In their own way, deep down, they have decided, though perhaps they wish they could just be more like the "F*ck it, it's Tuesday" crowd. And so much of what you've written makes it sounds like if you could get satisfactory answers to these questions - perhaps how other people have separated the money, gone back on the dating scene, navigated the partner might behave childishly and I can't have this affecting my work, etc. situations - you could leave, with a heavy heart perhaps, but leave. So why not give yourself a little time to identify each of your concerns and tackle how you might resolve each of them? Perhaps your therapist could help you lay it all out and see what you're working with? While I think you should listen to your fears, I think it might help to explore them and address them. Don't let fear of the unknown shut you off from living your life. It's your life. The only one you've got. You've tried something for 10 years, and find it doesn't suit you. Why not try something new?

Oh honey. I could have wrote this exact question (minus the grad school/living apart thing) about 4 years ago. I was married for 7 years. The sex became infrequent by year 2, and nonexistant by year 3. And yet I hung on because I thought "He's just depressed/having problems. It will get better. We can work on it. We can do counseling." He gave up trying by year 4...and yes, he did chores around the house and was nice to me and we would watch TV together and be friendly, but it was a roommate situation to him. He told me that he didn't miss me when I traveled, that "sometimes he loved me, sometimes he didn't", and that maybe he wasn't cut out for marriage. And yet, I stayed for 3 more years. I'm stubborn and I don't give up easily at all. That was a huge reason why I stuck around...I didn't want to admit "defeat" and I didn't want to admit that I failed at marriage. But I started having conversations with some of my best friends that sounds exactly like what you typed above. The same questions. I knew deep down in my heart that we wouldn't stay married. When I thought about my future (I too want to go back to school) and where I wanted to work next for my career...he wasn't in those thoughts. I literally could not picture him there. He didn't exist in those daydreams. That's when I knew. It took me about a year from that realization to the time I pulled the trigger. We made the mutual decision to end it when I accepted a job in another state (which was planned by both of us) and he said he didn't want to move there. We were actually in a counseling session (I was seeing someone individually and she saw both of us for a few sessions knowing what was coming) and we literally blurted it out almost at the same time. That was a devastating couple of minutes. We made a few apologies to each other, and then we started talking about the logistics of everything...packing, moving, etc. I cannot even begin to describe to you the HUGE weight that was lifted off my chest. I felt like I finally had my life back. I felt free. I was so scared to tell people...so scared to tell them that my marriage had failed...so scared to admit to people that I had followed in the footsteps of my parents and my sister because I sooooo wanted to be different from them. The amazing thing is that when I told my friends (especially the ones that I didn't confide in about the problems) they all said something like "I wondered when that would happen." Sounds cruel, yes...but EVERYONE had seen it. I thought that I was being an Oscar winning actress trying to hide everything, but it was obvious. And those friends were relieved and happy for me because they knew I was about to move on and blossom into the fantastic woman that they knew I had inside me. That was 2 years ago this month. I'm not gonna lie...the first year was HELL. I bounced around between relishing my new freedom and crying myself to sleep at night because of loneliness. It is part of the process, and I always advise people to "trust the process". You have to go through it to get to the other side. Nowadays I'm feeling more confident and more like the person I was before I got married. I haven't really dated (kinda had a little fling with an ex, but if anything that reminded me that I was still a desirable woman, especially after about 6 years of no intimacy from a man who promised to love me forever and ever), and that's OK. The loneliness is still there sometimes, but I can also honestly say that I'm still not quite ready for a serious relationship just yet. I'm almost there, but not quite. The great thing is that I'm acknowledging that FOR myself, and not for anyone else. I try not to tell people what to do, especially if I don't know them, but I know your situation. Don't move back in with him. Just don't. If you aren't ready to file divorce papers yet (I didn't until about 5 months after we split, but we had already divided everything so it was uncontested and not complicated) you don't have to. Take the space. I'd also flat out ask him if he even wants to move back in with you and continue things. He just might say no...he may be feeling the same things you are. I'm also going to tell you to set some boundaries. Define some clear behaviors that must occur before/in order to continue as a married couple. Sex at this point isn't on the table. Conversation and participation in therapy should be. I knew what was coming for me when I talked to my (then husband) about the things that was hurting me in our marriage, and he said "I don't see a problem. I'm OK with how things are going and I don't think we need to change anything." That right there told me he was no longer willing to put forth the effort to consider my needs and meet me halfway. Bottom line...it's OK to walk away from something that is killing the person that you really are inside. It's gonna hurt, but think of how awesome life will be like on the other side of it. You gotta go through. Trust the process. (if you've got a Metafilter account, feel free to MeMail me)

I am astonished at your forebearance. This has been said by multiple posters, but it bears reiteration. This man may not be a nasty, vindictive person. He may be kind, generous, amusing... but these things do not amount to a worthwhile marriage, especially if you want to be fulfilled in a way that he is unwilling to achieve, or one might even say incapable of achieving. Love is a gift, not a responsibility. Give it to someone who will return it in kind.

I personally think that relationships can thrive if something (like sex) is left out of the equation. But for that to happen you need intimacy, friendship, shared goals, hell, SOMETHING. It doesn't read like your marriage has any of that. Sure, he's a nice person. That in and of itself isn't a compelling enough reason to stay with someone. I get that ten years is a long time, and it may feel like you are throwing something away. But eleven, twelve, twenty and thirty years are even longer than that.

You've told us all the reasons this isn't working out. What are the reasons to stay? Are there any? If you're looking for confirmation of your choice to get out of this relationship, I think you're about to get overwhelming support. Try reading your post and pretend the author is a stranger. What would you think then?