What is one technique Raphael Sanzio uses to create emphasis in Marriage of the Virgin?

Marriage obviously bad but why can't I leave?

  • Why can't I pull the trigger on ending the marriage? Married 8 years. Always been up and down. Fights, yelling, arguing, and yet some amazing times. I've seen amazing love, concern, caring, generosity, effort, sincerity. But I've also seen/been the brunt of emotional/verbal abuse, selfishness, not sure if he's depressed/bipolar or what, laziness, disrespect, screwed up priorities, sometimes even as far as going "wow. Do we REALLY have anything in common beyond some laughs?" I do know he loves me. But I think it's some sort of mixed up love. I honestly feel like I'm the replacement mother opposed to the partner/wife that I should be viewed as. During bad arguments I get accused of being exactly like his mother, giving him no support (which usually means to him shut up and hear his tirades--which I won't). I think he also likes the fact that I make more and well, he's got a pretty good life. He's contributed to bills but also his idea of priorities with work are golfing, going out, etc. over working extra or on the days he should work. We had our son 18 months ago and towards the tail end of the pregnancy, fighting increased and the "hmmm" regarding this marriage became a huge question for me. Then as soon as we brought the baby home it was a HUGE "hmmm this just isn't right. His priorities are screwed up, I am sick of the way he argues (yelling, blamming me, zero accountability or apologies)" and since then I've been more or less obsessed with figuring out this marriage. Fix it? Give up? Is it worth it? Is this going down a road to misery and god, can I live with him for another 30 years? I've entered therapy trying to sort all of this out INCLUDING figuring myself out and fixing the negatives I instilled in this marriage (my admitted lack of patience, arguing style, passion/affection because I'm just so bitter/angry at him, etc). So I'm not saying I"m a joy to be with either. I'm learning a lot. But I've also seen 4 lawyers and know that I have 2 years to make a decision since the reality is any marriage over 10 years makes logistics legally very hard on me (alimony, 401k, etc). Sorry but I also need to know the impact since I'm losing everything if I divorce (50% split). He will only be responsible for nominal child support since he makes sig. less. But that's just it. The issues. Therapy was tried 5 times. Didn't work, he said it was pointless unless I was the one who was fixed. Fighting is all about me, my fault, I caused it, etc. even if it means out of the blue WTF arguments that he started. I try my best to ignore or calmly deal, but his style is to accuse, overblow, blowup, and just get childish/immature to the point where I shut down and not deal with him. Since the baby, we hardly see each other. His rationale is he watches the child 2 days but watching isn't quality. It's our son running around while he's texting, FBing, or working. So I come home, he immediately leaves for the gym. I go to bed. He remains out and usually goes out with friends to the bar. This is M-F. If it's not that schedule it's "hey I talked with so and so and we made plans to go to X" sometimes I'm included. Sometimes not. And if I/the baby are included, it's totally like we're the 3rd wheel because he made plans with them first. We discuss nothing. He feels obligated to help a friend out to the extreme all because he helps us with some house duties such as babyproofing. DH's personal/work car is his. He pays for it. Friend who is his employee, doesn't have a car. So he uses DH's. Fine. DH uses mine sometimes when I'm at work. Fine. But after work? He GIVES his friend the car and we're left with one. If my car, which I told him we have to watch the miles since I have zero money to get a new one, needs fixing and it's going to inconvenience him where his friend has to drive him to get my car and it's a long time before it's ready....he gets mad at ME because my car, needs, time to get it repaired is causing his friend to wait for the car. Hello, it's DH's car in the first place. Tough. No car, no money to afford one on his own, too bad. Not my problem. Money. He is bad at money management. He won't work with me to get things in order. His business is always up and down, thus money is up and down, thus my stable income is 100% relied on so....why work more? I make enough to cover mortgage, etc. Living pay to pay? Who cares? He got invited for golf---he goes. If he can't find a nanny/sitter on his day to watch our child, he complains that he doesn't get to do anything and damn it, it's unfair. In short, ridiculously selfish, childish, bratty, spoiled teen attitude when in reality, he doesn't realize that he JUST went golf last week. Boo hoo he can't go golfing again for one day. Money is also a concern since retirement? Hell no. It's all because of me and my efforts. He refuses to figure out a way to get his own CD, IRA, whatever. Even if it's $25 a month. Priorites with the child. Does he take him to the park to release some energy? Nope. And he wonders why a tantrum is now an expected thing around our house over every little thing. He wants to go out. Can't find a sitter. Thinks of anyone to watch our child--even if I dont' know them or it's a friend of a friend of a friend or some 14 year old. His needs need to be met over the safety/logic of a STRANGER watching our kid. Lazy. Zero housework. Zero outside work. I do it all or he pays someone to do it. Or it doesnt' get done. So why stay? I. Don't. Know. I've never broken up with anyone. I'm scared of who the hell who is normal would want a 38 year old w/ 1 young child. I have a history of picking losers obviously. And my therapist said I have never seen a healthy relationship since I grew up in one of the most fucked up houses she's ever seen (made her cry when I told her the abuse I witnessed, etc). So does that mean I'm doomed for failure? Great. With a kid, I don't even want to try out of fear of what lazy, addict, etc. will I wind up with if I married one (yes he is a pot smoker; sorry, not my thing). I'm terrified for who I will expose my child to. And lastly divorce logistics. Every lawyer said because I make more I owe 50% of the house equity, maintanance via the 401k, pension, paying for HIS lawyers. I will only get 20% child support. When someone doesn't make much, I'm expecting $200 a month at the most. Not the point for me since I've been taking care of our child's needs. So with all this mess and negativity why am I staying? I understand my fears. Therapist said I'm living a life of excuses. Maybe she's right. I'm miserable but it's also the fact of life that he's going to flip out if I serve him. With all of the cash going out the door in the divorce, how will my son and I live? I know not destitute or in a bad situation but still--can we afford a house, bills, etc and be ok? I don't understand why I stay. I don't know why I let fear override me instead of giving me what I know in my gut we need. And I don't know why I let excuses after excuses guide me down a road of this in the first place or not seeing an exit when it's right in front of me. I mean, I'm even questioning if this is really all me being just intolerable to what a marriage/relationship is like yet my gut is always telling me "dude, you and your child deserve better. This is fucked up unfair, not a partnership, yes he's using you, and you are wasting your life."

  • Answer:

    Your marriage sounds very much like mine before I gave up and dumped the loser. It took me eight years to realize that yes, he was capable of providing me with the things I needed, he just wasn't interested enough in my happiness to actually do so. My ex didn't respect me enough to do the things one does for a real partner, things like help, listen, communicate, quit whining, make sacrifices, regularly work a day job, etc. Yours has already stated that the only problem in your marriage, as far as he's concerned, is in your head. There's no surviving that. ~+~+~ You have a stable job with stable income. You do all the chores. When he pitches a fit hard enough, you back off. He gets to commandeer your car, he gets to go golfing whenever he wants, he gets to not provide the household with income, he doesn't have to do chores, and all this with no observable consequences. Sure, maybe you're cranky, but that's not his fault, it's just that you're a bitch, right? He thinks you're trying to change the rules by "suddenly" requiring more out of him than you used to; it's probably something to do with hormones and the baby, nothing to do with him. He will not change unless he has to, and he won't have to as long as you're picking up all the slack. ~+~+~ Warning: when you leave him, he'll probably be deeply shocked, hurt, and surprised. After all, you never required [insert normal adult behavior here] before, so why should today be any different? He'll tell you that he Never Really Understood how important these things were to you. He'll tell you that it's your fault for not making him understand that you wanted him to work a day job and bring home money and do the occasional load of laundry and not leave the kid with strangers! You will probably never be able to forgive him for the things he didn't do when you needed him to. ~+~+~ During our Very Last Talk, a couple weeks after we'd separated, my ex asked me why I was leaving. I told him for the thousandth time that his behavior screamed total disrespect, that he treated strangers better than he treated me, that I was no longer willing to pay all the bills and do all the chores, and that I just plain wasn't interested in being his mommy any more. I spoke for ten minutes, heart on my sleeve, tears on my cheeks, using concrete examples, and reminding him of his broken promises. When I was finished, he said, with total sincerity, "So, let me get this straight. You're throwing away eight years of marriage over stupid shit?" The moral: if one of the people in the marriage believes that the other person's basic human needs are "stupid shit," there's no fixing the marriage. Best of luck to you, girl.

anonymous at Ask.Metafilter.Com Visit the source

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Other answers

Every day you stay in this marriage is a day you are modelling to your child that this is what a marriage should be like. Does that consideration change your analysis?

KathrynT

Therapy was tried 5 times. Didn't work, he said it was pointless unless I was the one who was fixed. That's the dealbreaker for me, right there. I'm divorced and remarried and the moment I unloaded myself of the burden of my first husband it was amazing, like I'd signed on for a life of misery and then was suddenly released.. married again and very happy. Find your joy.

L'Estrange Fruit

you're existing in a false dichotomy. it's not "either this asshole or the next asshole". it can be "i'm going to leave, with my child, and i'm going to dedicate my time to making sure i am emotionally stable and a good role model." if you do that, then you'll start attracting and being attracted to better guys. but that's even beside the point - why are you so worried about your next relationship? isn't being single preferable to this?

nadawi

And my therapist said I have never seen a healthy relationship since I grew up in one of the most fucked up houses she's ever seen You have a chance to make your own healthy family, and most importantly, making sure your kid grows up in one.

clearlydemon

You seem to assume that being with anyone, even if it is this horrible person, is better than being with no one. One of the most important lessons I think you can learn is that this is false. And you learn it from experiencing it. You can be fulfilled in yourself, with your life, without there being a love interest involved. You can be happy, and healthy, and you can give your child a successful start to life all on your own. You don't need someone. Sure, if you leave this man, you may someday (maybe soon after, maybe years later) find someone who makes you happy and that you want to spend your life with. But don't think of it as a necessary thing, the next obvious step to seek out. It's possible, yes, but all that's truly necessary for you to seek out is a happy life. You're not happy with your life shared with this man. You will be happier without him. Forget about any future men (they don't matter right now), forget about what prospects you'll have for dating (it's completely unimportant). Do what will make you happy.

meese

I'm scared of who the hell who is normal would want a 38 year old w/ 1 young child....So does that mean I'm doomed for failure? Great. With a kid, I don't even want to try out of fear of what lazy, addict, etc. will I wind up with if I married one... I'm terrified for who I will expose my child to. You know who wants a single 38 year old mom? A 38 year old mom married to a loser! You seem to be hesitating to DTMFA because you're afraid of attaching yourself to another asshole, but that isn't an inevitable situation. You can be single and survive. You can be single and happy!

sallybrown

I'm terrified for who I will expose my child to. You're already exposing your kid to a relationship that's really toxic. Get out already. And stop thinking "I will die alone/end up with a jerk." I swear to you, that's not how it has to be. Break this cycle for your child if you can't bring yourself to break it on your own behalf.

rtha

I don't understand why I stay. It's the old "the devil you know vs. the devil you don't" conundrum, I think. You know instinctively that leaving -- no matter how much it may be the right decision -- will be very difficult, both emotionally and logistically. But what may be tripping you up is that you don't know how difficult all the tasks and feelings facing you will be, and therefore you don't yet know how you'll cope with all of them. I think it's pretty natural to find this a daunting prospect. But I also think it's crucial that you find a way to push through it -- to reassure yourself that whatever happens -- no matter how hard -- you can handle it. my gut is always telling me "dude, you and your child deserve better. This is fucked up unfair, not a partnership, yes he's using you, and you are wasting your life." I give you permission to listen to your gut. It's the truth. One book that may be helpful to you as you get together your thoughts and plans about leaving is http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060928883/metafilter-20/ref=nosim/. Good luck. Yes, it's going to be hard. Yes, you can still do it. (And yes, there are warm, wonderful, supportive, emotionally adept men out there who absolutely do have the capacity to care for you and your child. But you'll never get to meet them this way.)

scody

My mama always says, "The pain of living with a jerk is greater than then pain of living without one." Get out; lead a jerk-free life.

functionequalsform

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