When is a sympathy card way out of line?

I was close to him and his mother and sisters at one time and they are all very sweet and nice people. My mom is going through something very similar right now - a good friend and former employee of hers (from 15+ years ago) has been accused of child molestation in a fairly high profile way. She agonized, and chose to send a short note to his wife saying, basically, "I'm thinking of you and your children daily, and am praying for you to have the strength to get through the difficult next few months." [The "I'm praying" part might not be appropriate for you, obviously, but it was very appropriate for the people involved.] She then went on to reminisce briefly about a trip our family and theirs had taken together to Mount Washington, and ended by saying that nothing would change the fond memories she had of those times. About a week later, she got a call from the man's wife, thanking her for the card. Apparently, out of the many many people who could have taken the time to send a note of support, my mom was the *only* one who did so. Everyone else the family knew - friends, relations, friends of the (now adult) children, even her pastor, was basically treating them in one of two ways: either a) you don't exist or b) the problem doesn't exist and I'm going to ignore it. Please send the card. Keep the note light and with as much love and support as you can muster. Try to include a memory of happier times -- try, if you can, to indicate that whatever this man has done, it hasn't changed your fond memories of the mother and siblings. You're a good person for wanting to do this. Its not morbid at all - its very compassionate. Good luck.

Buy a card. Don't fill it out yet. Write a big long letter. Don't send it. Wait a week. If the card (not the letter) still wants to be sent, and the card still expresses how you feel once you've written the letter and sat with a while, then fill it out and send it. If the card still wants to be sent, but it doesn't fit quite right, buy a different card and wait another week. Time will really help you out here. Basically you've stirred up a big pot of muck. Let your feelings sort themselves out a bit before you act off the stuff that made it's way to the top.

I think this is a bad idea. I really think that a note to someone who's committed a heinous act, saying, "I'm sorry your life has turned out this way," seems somewhat tactless. I'm not sure anyone in his situation would want to hear that particular message. Also --- and more important, really --- you say he's been arrested on a murder charge, yet you assume he did it. If you are set on sending him a letter expressing your regret about how his life has turned out, at least let the justice system run its course before you assume anything about what he did. Here's my proposal of a more appropriate message: "Dear X, I have seen your case on the news, and I just want you to know my thoughts are with you. Although we've lost touch over the years, I have not forgotten about you and I am sorry to hear about this situation. My thoughts will be with you in this difficult time." Leave out all the stuff about, "I'm sorry your life turned out this way, " I just think that's rude.

I can offer you advice from personal experience, although the situation is a bit different. Long after we had gone our separate ways, my ex-wife committed murder. She received a life sentence in prison, and I thought it might be a good idea to write and let her know I was thinking of her.. She started writing me back, asking for smokes and money. After a few of those type of letters, I thought perhaps I should have left it well enough alone....

If I were the parents, the last thing I'd want to be reminded of is how people from the happy past have heard about this all the way across the country and this is the answer to their "whatever happened to..." question.

One thing you should think about though is by writing your letter you will be opening a door to someone who has a looot of time to write you many, many letters in return. Are you really prepared for this level of involvement? Hard to say no once you open the door. xammerboy makes an excellent point. I wouldn't want to be the first old flame back in the picture after a mess like this.

Absolutely send a card to the accused. Each of the criminals I know through my work as a criminal defense attorney has redeeming qualities and deserves humane treatment, if not compassion. I think Jayder came up with the best wording for a card: "I have seen your case on the news, and I just want you to know my thoughts are with you. Although we've lost touch over the years, I have not forgotten about you and I am sorry to hear about this situation. My thoughts will be with you in this difficult time." Send a card to the accused's family, too. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/10/04/national/main2059816.shtml.

When I find out a friend is a murderer is when I want to distance myself, not reach out. Whoever this person was to you when you were younger, he clearly isn't now. I'd vote for stay away.

Nothing new to add, other than nthing that the family will most likely be incredibly touched that you took the time to let them know you thought of them. (The foul-weather friends don't send nice notes to the family, they sell their stories to gossip rages.)