Please Help Me Survive Thanksgiving

Small but maybe helpful: Smoking let you take breaks from the action by going outside. You're still allowed to take these breaks even though you are no longer ingesting nicotine! Think of them as deep breath breaks.

Well, the obvious question is: Do you have to go? If you don't feel comfortable staying home with no good excuse, you can always pretend to be sick. I don't see any reason to put yourself in a terribly stressful situation for no good reason. Stay home and have a nice quiet holiday with your boyfriend.

As an adult, you're perfectly free to start your own traditions. Cook your own Thanksgiving dinner and invite friends. Relatives or not, life's too short to waste one precious second on abusive people who don't deserve to be a part of your life.

You're going to leave this dinner as someone who kicked alcohol and kicked cigarettes and who is doing awesome things. They're going to leave this dinner as the assholes they always have been. Keep your focus on that and don't even bother looking down, where they are. They actually don't matter. They have no power over you or anyone else.

They say something insulting. You say "I don't know why you think that's an okay thing to say to anybody, much less to family. It's not. I'm going outside, and I hope you'll get all that bullshit out of your system by the time I get back." Then you put on your coat (which you've left conveniently by the door, not tucked in a back closet) and stand on the porch, making phone calls to your boyfriend, your roommate, your best friends and family who couldn't be there, and telling them happy thanksgiving. It doesn't matter if you're in the middle of dinner, just step outside for 5 minutes. They will huff around and say you can't take a joke, that you're incredibly sensitive and out of line, etc. But "you can't hear them" because you're already gone, even if you haven't made it out the door yet. You have to accept that these people will not be saying anything nice about you, and be okay with that. After all, they're jerks, and you don't have much respect for their opinions. They could say pretty much anything - nice or mean - and you know it's not about you, it's about something going on in their head, some game to get what they want. So you just have to let their response roll right off. The point of telling them they're being unacceptable is not to get an apology - unless I'm misreading the situation, an apology from someone like them would be pretty meaningless. The point is to make sure that everyone involved (you, them, other people at the gathering) is aware that this is not ideal and will have to change. You leave for a few minutes, and you will get talked about. With luck, you've got family or other people willing to say "you know, that *was* pretty harsh of you, do you think you could lay off her for a couple of hours?" while you're gone.

I would seriously consider not attending the event. From your post, it seems like your mother would probably understand (as she knows about your new sobriety). There will certainly come a time when you need to face events like this, but does it have to be this year?

I'm with decathecting and the others who advise not to go. Part of recovering from psychologically taxing periods (depression, recovery from addictions etc.) is facing the social and inter-personal fall-out. This doesn't mean just possibly having given others a hard time and having to apologize for it, it also means spring-cleaning toxic relationships which one is wont to acquire, maintain and tolerate during periods of vulnerability. Your two relatives (I assume they are relatives) sound like they should be spring-cleaned right out of your life. Sounds like these people are taking advantage of a "tradition" which started whilst you were more vulnerable then usual to keep you enmeshed in this awful dynamic, despite the fact that you have every reason to "break up" with them with no contact, as per your words here: I know this from years of experience/I know them well enough to know that that will never happen. I no longer trust them, anyway. And, because of the way they treat people, I have very little respect for them. You fear that dealing with them openly, with determination and finality is a sign of weakness (as per this:I tend to go into full avoidance mode and/or start to behaving as though I am ashamed/guilty.) And this plays right into their hands - you remain enmeshed in their cruel game-playing. But as someone above said, strength is knowing your boundaries and enforcing them regardless of the image that might project and how others in your environment might judge you for it. If you go, I would avoid them as much as possible - if/when they are being verbally aggressive, or otherwise bullyish, ignore them, turn to someone else (would be great if your boyfriend is there, since he is probably the only one in the know re. these people) and pointedly start another conversation. Prepare as though you were going on a blind date if boyfriend cannot come. Agree on a code - text message. If it gets too much, text him and get him to call with an "emergency". Or don't go for the full 4 hours from the start. Go for a maximum of 2 hours - it's less easy for them to start with the bullying at the beginning of the get-together, I assume (greetings, people flocking in, then getting seated, exchanging news etc.) In any case, good luck. Personally, I wouldn't go - there's not enough hours in the day to populate them with bullies and petty tyrants.

A few ideas: -Can you role-play with your boyfriend? Maybe do it for a few hours and really go over everything these people might throw at you. Then when you face it in real life your reaction will almost be like a reflex. -Can you get a lot of physical exercise between now and Thursday? Don't do anything that's way beyond your current fitness level. But maybe do something that's 75% of your fitness level every day this week, and then the morning of. For calmness I recommend running or hot yoga. Either way, sometimes just getting all that nervous energy out helps. -I'm mentioning this last because I don't think it's a very healthy way to cope. But I have found for myself, it's hard for nervousness/fear and rage to both co-exist in my mind. If I am FURIOUS about something, then I usually cease to be nervous about anything. Maybe try working up all of your rage and anger, and then seeing whether or not you feel prone to stuttering and apologizing around these people. I suspect you really might not at all.

I can so relate. I felt totally raw for a very long time as well. My therapist made the analogy of a tree that had been sick and had all of its diseased bark ripped off and was raw and exposed until the new healthy bark grew back. It was exactly how I felt. It took me a long while to feel healed. All my coping skills and the walls I had built up in dealing with life had been torn away. Some things that helped me were making sure that I had support and people that knew if I was going into a tough situation so that they would be ready to pick up a phone if I called. Also an escape plan so if I had to leave quick, I could. Sometimes just knowing I can get away if I want to can ease my mind. A safe zone. Is there a bedroom or a place you can get away from crowds? I can't tell you not to go, but I know I had to distance myself from a lot of my family in the beginning until I developed better coping skills. Practicing focusing on positive things helps me a lot. Best of luck!