How do I get this to stop?

I'm also a teacher and just from the beginning, I really think you are overreacting. Sure the teacher might have said that in class (about reviewing for the midterm) and that she wanted you to do that. (The student may even have run back and forth- my students would find that very exciting.) Students' comments are like the game of 'telephone'- they may or may not be connected with what was actually said originally. I would never sign anything from a coworker and I would be really careful about recording conversations. In fact, it's your behavior I find very worrying. Be careful. It's your job on the line. Interpersonal staff issues are so very very minor as compared to dealing with all of the other overwhelming demands of the job. She is not harassing you or overtly bothering you. Please, I would let all this drop and maybe see a counselor to relieve some of your stress.

Also -- the issues with your students are completely separate. Their discipline issues are completely unrelated and should be treated as such. You should stop trying to bring them in the middle of the fight. If they tell you what N says you "have" to do, say "thanks for the tip, I make my own lesson plans", but it's inappropriate for you to try to insert them into your argument with N like you're trying to do by showing them a letter from her or something. It's none of their business, and she's not your boss, so stop it.

I've been a teacher, and now I supervise novices and mentor teaching staff as well as writing curriculum. I see this, as you warned 'neurotic' 'paranoid' stuff sometimes when I visit schools and observe lessons and department politics. Teaching sometimes attracts folk with developmental issues - probably like many other professions, only this one means we go back to high school, adolescent reverberations which in susceptible people creates a theatre for some acting out. They don't know they are doing it, and will take up a range of defensive positions to show they aren't doing it, or that there's a valid reason for their escalation and dramatics. Reality check - you're interpersonal crap with this person, as well as your psychological baggage regarding this person, [and hers regarding you] is interfering with valuable classroom time when you could be meeting the students' needs. They need to feel safely ushered towards new knowledge in the company of a warm, authoritative, caring, responsible adult who cares about their learning and their comfort with learning. Do you not remember how daunting exams and tests were for you as a kid?* Don't you think you need to make sure that if you are remediating, you have an even greater responsibility to work in tandem with other teachers of these students? I've got to say that over the last 20 years of being in a classroom, running a department, mentoring, observing hundreds and hundreds of lessons, departments and schools, this situation and your reporting of it here, verges on the batshitinsane/reportable. Who.the.fuck. wants to hear a recording [what?!] or revive the Spanish Inquisition over a minor programming issue - that simply requires two teachers to sit together with their programmes at the start of the semester and work out a complementary learning schedule that meets their students' needs. This back n forth with emails, the signing crap, the bother to kids and admin is your, and possibly the other teacher, acting out other crap. I was going to ask what intimacy or interpersonal strife you had going with this person that you would escalate so wildly and feel so fucking defensive about. The 'we dated briefly' saves that rumination. You are doing yourselves, your school, the kids and the profession a disservice by having this shitstorm involving covert operations, corralling of the kids and now admin involved. [This is going to look terrible to admin. Sort yourselves out because if this [your post] is the tenor of what you'd bring to them, you're going to be seen as unprofessional and a Problem.] Don't sit down with taping devices or emails and feather quills for declarations of blame, clarification etc. That is just ego driven bullshit that looks very immature and unprofessional. Instead: get out your programmes/lesson plans and start syncing them up to solve the problem which is that the kids are confused. Sync test dates and revision lessons appropriately. Revise your lesson manner so that when kids express confusion or shit-stir, you can smoothly allay their fears and move on to the purpose of lesson times: Lessons. Drop the KGB theatrics and he said/she said crap and get on with your actual job. Depersonalise the other teacher's comments to her students - they will get no traction if the kids in your class are having their learning and management needs met. *The ol' 'the other teacher said...' is such an easy shit-stirring mechanism from students. Sometimes though, it is about expressing anxiety that there will be unknown things on a test. This is particularly true in remedial classes where students already suffer a lack of confidence about success, and dread the confirmation of 'failure' that a poorly completed test confers. Or a reflection of their wider dissatisfaction with your ability to help them feel safe encountering that test. Mature, responsible teachers, who care about the profession and their charge to facilitate learning, handle the situation by thinking about what the student needs. You ask the students to clarify what they are saying - 'you sound like you're worried you aren't getting the right information. Is there something you'd like me to go back over?' When a student says they are confused or missing material they think they need, listen to that. Not, Ms X said such n such, and then blah-blah-blah. Try: "Well Ms x and are I are working together on your programme, so even if it doesn't look like we're doing the same thing at the same time, we're both still going to cover all of the important stuff you need to know... let's get started." [Not: "OMG, she said WHAT??"]

We dated, very briefly, when she first started working at the school 3 years ago. [Needle scratch] Whhaat? Yeah, that's probably not relevant AT ALL. Sheesh. C'mon. Both of you, behave yourselves. Look, just take the high road. Period. What's the purpose of your job? Educating students. How should you make decisions? Do what's best for educating the kids. How should you defend those decisions? Ask how petty bullshit (uh, phrased diplomatically) is contributing to the education of the kids.

Ok, I said this kindly, but now I see that I may need to be more direct: What the students say does not matter. You are the boss. What she says to the students in no way matters. She is not your boss All that matters is that YOU are doing your job. Find out whether that is to review the lessons taught in her class or expand upon those lessons and do your job. Do not make this personal. Find out what is expected of you and do it with no more regard for gossip from the students or what N may or may not be saying to them.

You might not like to hear this, but here is my answer: The problem here is you. When there is an expectation that you spend 90% of your lesson on material taught by N, then read between the lines - that means 100% with a couple of minutes of off-topic banter. The "writing-an-email-on-her-behalf" thing is the height of rudeness and passive aggressiveness. The idea that you would show it to a student, bizarre. The recording conversations, takes you to the brink of psychotic. Do not reveal that you have done so - it will paint you in a terribly bad light.

I agree with brainquarters and juliplease. I don't think you have handled this very well. I DO totally understand why you acted the way you did, but reading between the lines I am guessing you are a fairly new teacher and new to the ways that people can manipulate you and play you against others, and how upsetting that can be. First -- the kids. These horrible, manipulative little shits. They have sniffed out a rivalry and a power structure and they are engaging in some mean little games by pitting you against the other teacher. But in your response, you totally lost the game, and the kids played you, hard. The proper response to their bullshit little messages was, "we have an agenda in my class today." You should NEVER have let yourself get drawn into the "let's you and her fight" game (I just recently learned about that from Ask Metafilter, btw), and it was a major misstep for you to do so. You showed weakness, fear, lack of confidence, and lack of leadership and savvy. I'm not saying you ignore the need to review those topics -- but, even if ONLY to show who is in charge, you continue with YOUR plan and you are unflappable in the face of their attempts to rattle you. YES, by all means review them on N's material, but not at the kids' direction. As you handled it, you showed the kids you are not secure in your role and your standing. Second -- N, the other teacher. You should not have let yourself seem rattled or fazed. You failed at this, you really crumbled with all the stuff about signing the damn email. Again, I totally understand, but once again, you lost when you did that. You should have shown N that you were unfazed by any suggestion of "drama," you should have been cheerful, and if you even acknowledged those awful messages passed by those wretched little brats, you acknowledge in a humorous way that does not reveal any insecurity. You must keep your cool and be unflappable and in command. Third -- the administrators. You need to get yourself together, forget your missteps, and treat this, going forward, as just a need to sort out exactly what is expected of you and N. This crazy stuff -- emails you want signed, surreptitious recordings -- must stop. It makes you look totally nuts, paranoid, and like you're the problem. From here on out, be a leader in your class, don't let the students pit you against other teachers, do what needs to be done while also asserting yourself, and always act like you are calm and in command!

We dated, very briefly, when she first started working at the school 3 years ago. My brain literally stopped functioning when I read that. That is majorly important and could explain much of the issues that you are having with her. If you dip your pen in company ink, you really need to include that in your question. Life tip: even if you are "habituated to pretending that it didn't happen" she may very well not be. People who "pressed very hard" very rarely let go very easily.

I just checked my recent activity and can't leave get this out of my mind. Okay, N sounds strange and unpleasant. You also sound strange - you are disgusted by and yet attracted to this person enough to spend three years in a strange little dance. Okay - I've had some strange dances in my life too. Shit happens. What's absolutely strange to me is that you have read comment after comment about how school is about the kids, what they need, how you can implement strategies to re-focus away from this dysfunctional dance, how to rise above your interpersonal relationship and be a better, adult, professional teacher. And yet you have chosen to write an update all about your relationship with this woman and your feeling of being an almost helpless bystander to a crazy person's antics. You haven't mentioned students unless it's as some part of the supply chain in your interpersonal dysfunction. It seems the updates you give show no relation to the material provided for your consideration from responders here. Maybe you do need mediation - not to get bits of paper/emails signed or to win this current situation about who said what, when etc, but counseling. Have you got a Dean of Staff you can talk to? Tell her/him that you had a few dates with your co-worker a few years ago, and it seems since that time that there is some bad feeling that might be interfering with getting things right for the students. DON'T bitch about her, don't bring lists of aggravations, don't badmouth her etc. Ask how you can make sure to avoid escalation when pedagogical matters have to be negotiated; ask how to cope with/avoid students being drawn into a conflict; ask for advice on whether mediation is required. FWIW, this kind of thing has happened in every school I have ever taught - people date, shit happens, other crap follows. Your Head/Dean of Staff will hopefully have experience. In my last school, there were professional counseling services offered for these kinds of situations - they were absolutely confidential ie the school could not read the notes or know of the reason for the visit/s. And, an insight that I've gained from years of observation: Teachers are sometimes psychologically hampered by the fact they have limited life experience outside of a school setting. Many have gone from high school to college to high school with a few vacations in between, or minimum wage jobs to make ends meet. This can keep some teachers in a state of selfish regard, or at an undifferentiated position in adulthood. [Obviously, this is not just limited to teachers] I'm sorry to say that this is what it looks like when you respond to our advice here with me,me,me/her,her,her rather than about the students affected by this dynamic. Good teachers think about what is best for the students not about how to point score against other teachers - although, I do see this shit acted out time after time.