Is visiting a sex worker an inherently bad idea?

@grumblebee I characterize consumers of sex workers as: Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system, because I know several gentlemen who did/do patronize such services. If it is a sterotype, it is one drawn from my (wider) circle of acquaintances.

It's not so so much that I'm super anti sex worker (anti visiting sex workers?), though I sort of am. It's that this seems like a pretty big leap, from "I'm lonely" to "I need to pay someone to have sex with me." Maybe it's because I'm a woman, and if I'm physically lonely there is no easy "pay someone" solution to this? So I have to get creative? It just seems like there are just so so SO MANY ways you could get yourself laid without having to pay for it. For one thing, what about dating online? There are a great many sites that encourage more casual relationships. Or you could always look for someone to have one-time-only NSA sex with, via the internet. Not an unpopular option. Non-sexual massage would be a good option if you feel starved for contact in general. Yoga practice also helped me out when I was feeling lonely this way (not sexually, just feeling divorced from the physical experience). You're not really limited to a cut and dry serious relationship with someone you meet through friends, in terms of options to get laid without monetary expectations.

I think I was the first person to disagree with zia, but I hope people here don't chastise her out of existence. I believe her post is valuable here. Whether it is just or not, her view is common -- much more common that the view of those of saying, "It's not shameful." The fact that zia and others see it the way they do is a possibly significant data point. It's something the OP might (or might not) want to take into account.

Nthing what other posters have said about it reducing/degrading you. . . posted by zia Zia, I don't see any other posters who said this choice would reduce or degrade the OP: please quote a comment that was the basis for your claim that there is some kind of consensus on this point. its pathetic to visit a sex worker. . . lonely, sad, dysfunctional. . . no emotional support system. . . develop[] your spirtuality. . . you are creating your own loneliness. . . you drive[] people/women away. . . posted by zia There are plenty of reasons to make this decision in either direction. "Zia From The Internet -- who thinks I am to blame for my own loneliness and who thinks that well-socialized people never crave sex -- will judge me to be pathetic and dysfunctional and unspirtual" is not a good reason. Admittedly speaking from inexperience, I myself don't recommend that you hire a prostitute -- but please don't let your decision be driven by others' attempts to shame you.

Its normal to be lonely, its pathetic to visit a sex worker. Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system. I'd also like to add a respectful but strong refutation to zia's blanket stereotype here. A close friend of mine told me about a recent experience he had with a prostitute that left him very satisfied. He is one of the least pathetic or sad people one could meet and one of the most charming and charismatic people I know. Most men would envy him for his looks, success, intelligence, etc. He couldn't be further from zia's characterization. He was looking for a sexual release with an attractive woman while away on business and did it. Good time, no repercussions. Also to zia, if employing a sex worker is pathetic, then a great many men fit that description. It has not maintained its position as "the world's oldest profession" because it leaves so many customers in a state that could or should be judged as pathetic. There are so very many providers at various levels of the sex industry with so many customers of different needs who find what they're looking for with them. If they're all pathetic, dysfunctional, and sad, you'd be surprised at how many "Spitzers" are out there. We should all have a right to do with our bodies what we will. To me, a woman not being allowed to choose sex work as a profession by law is a wrong on par with a woman not being allowed the right to choose an abortion if she so desires. Of course there's the usual disclaimer than any forced servitude of any kind is terribly wrong and unless one is experienced in that world, the average guy might not always be able to tell the difference between a sex worker choosing her profession of her own volition and one who is some degree of enslaved or coerced. To the OP I say, in your particular circumstance, a sex worker might very well be a good option. As said eloquently above, please do not mistake a visit with a sex worker as intimacy or fall in love with one. It is not a solution for loneliness. But your question makes it seem that you have the right attitude about it...a sexual release that can help you avoid a state of desperation and allow you to concentrate on the bigger picture beyond just getting laid when meeting women you want to date and get to know for a relationship. You say it is not a legal issue where you live and it will be easy enough to avoid women who might be in a sex slavery type of situation. As long as you stay protected from STD's, that takes care of most of the major concerns. Many of the answers above ignore some part of your actual question. Looking for companionship or a way to relieve loneliness would not be a good reason to employ a sex worker. Finding a simple, healthy way to achieve sexual release for a little short term satisfaction and a way to avoid that sexual desperation you speak of while pursuing more meaningful relationships? If that's how you're thinking of it, I don't think there's much wrong there. If you go through with it, be careful, use online resources as much as possible for localized reviews and advice, and have a good time.

I think free word order makes a really good point. I would generalize it by saying that if you ever reach a point where you think "Money is the answer to all problems," you're in bad shape. But I'm not sure it's possible to reach that point. I don't know if any of the rest of you have had this fantasy, but I've thought from time-to-time that it would be a blast to be so rich I could afford concubines. In my case, it would be, like, ten women (of various shapes, hues and sizes) that I could have sex with whenever I wanted to. Now that I'm married, I'd throw in some hot guys for my wife, and we'd live happily and hedonistically ever after. Or WOULD we ...? [Cue ominous music.] Let's say, God forbid, my wife died but I still had my harem. (Sorry male concubines, you'd be getting a pink slip and a nice severance package.) Would I be happy? No, because though I'd have endless sex in my life, I wouldn't have any love. I can't believe I'm going to actually put this in print, but ... here goes ... Money Can't Buy Me Love. Free word order says, "You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family." Thing is, you CAN'T buy yourself a loving family. Study after study has shown that rich people aren't particularly happier than the rest of us. Which doesn't surprise me at all, because money can't buy most of the things we really want. OP, if you choose to hire a hooker, think of her as a slice of cake after a bad day at work. The slice makes you feel good while you're eating it, which is fine -- which is why I would never call it bad -- but the high will wear off very fast. And what are you going to do, keep eating slice after slice of cake? In the end, it won't solve anything. You'll still have the problems you have. OP, I wish we knew how old you are. The solutions (or possible solutions) to loneliness are a bit different in your 50s than they are in your 20s. But at any point in life, the best thing you can do is become a confident person. Confidence, along with a sense of humor, is highly attractive to both sexes. Almost all the confident people I know -- even if they're butt ugly -- have love in their lives. How do you become confident? I don't think you can fake it, so it's not a quick fix. But the answer is to delve into your passions. If you're a plumber, do the work necessary to make yourself the best fucking plumber you know. If you're a musician, same thing. You'll reach a point where you KNOW you're good. I don't mean in an arrogant way. I mean that you'll know that if someone puts a wrench in your hand (or a violin under your chin), you KNOW what to do with it. This confidence, even in one small area, will infect your whole personality. People will notice it. They will be attracted to it. I'm starting to get turned on just imagining it!

I don't think there is anything morally wrong with paying a prostitute. On the other hand, I would not date someone who had been to one. It bothers me on a gut level that I can't really put into words. If you tend to be into more sexually liberal women, finding someone who doesn't mind that you've been to a prostitute might not be too difficult.

Buying sex can be criticized as another step for commercialization of human life, in a sense of commercialization of things that people value and want to have in life. Sex has value but has that value to be exchangeable with one valuator, monetary value? The problem of agreeing with that everything 'valuable' should and be boughtable with money sets money as the ultimate valuator. If you have money, then everything else is just a matter of buying and consequently, those who have less money have less capacity, or less 'fluid' capacity for having valuable things in their life. Many people draw the line for example in buying degrees. It is ok to buy yourself a place in a good school, but it is assumed that there has to be some actual work of studying to earn a degree, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself out of that. Or another example, you shouldn't be able to buy yourself a loving family. A politician who would get caught having rented actors to play wife and kids would be shunned. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a native heritage. You shouldn't be able to buy yourself a metafilter account of a popular user. Etc. In most of these cases where people mostly agree that this value shouldn't be bought, it would give some kind of false impression and set a price tag for something that people pride themselves of. Now for some people, like me, sexual touch is one of those aspects of human life that shouldn't be monetarizied. It is part of my ethos that there should be ways for people to be happy that cannot be bought, to encourage people to have many values and goals in their lives instead of just one master goal that can be used to buy all of the secondary goals (or one master goal to fail in). It is just a rule I play by, you can play your game by allowing yourself to use money to reach that other goal. I think allowing that thing makes the whole sex thing unbalanced and ugly, secondary to money game, and I won't recommend it.

I would also like to point out that this question is completely gender neutral yet everyone is assuming this is a male looking for a female. Unsought celibacy of a year or more isn't fun for anyone of any gender or persuasion and it can screw up your brain but good. Good point. And if my wife ever told me she'd hired a male prostitute (or a female one, for that matter) before we were married ... so what? I also can't imagine caring (beyond being careful about STDs) if someone I was dating admitted to this. Jesus, there are so many worse things. I am not mocking anyone who cares, because it's such a hot-button topic in our culture, but I wanted to add another voice to the "it's no big deal" brigade. Also... "Think of the people who visit sex workers - lonely, sad, dysfunctional people who have no emotional support system." zia, with respect, how many people do you know who visit sex workers? Are you saying this from experience or are you stereotyping? Even if it's the latter, it's a useful data-point, because it's good for the OP to know how people might see him. Throughout my life, I've hung out with "freaks." I have a (male) friend who is one of the most famous burlesque artists in the world. I have a friend who is a furry. Etc. And I have met MANY people who, at one time in their lives, have paid for sex -- and they are not all (or even mostly) lonely or sad. I won't comment on "dysfunctional," because most people I know fit that label on some level, including me. There isn't a type of person that pays for sex. Many different types do it, some sad, some not. And many men you know have done it at some point in their lives. You don't know this about them in most cases. But check the data about this sometime. You might be surprised. I don't pay for sex, but if I was single and horny, I might. It's really no big deal to me: I want sex, you're offering it for $X, I happen to have $X, everybody wins. What I would say is that if the OP can't think of it as I wrote about it in the previous paragraph, he might be in for trouble. If he romanticizes it at all -- or, I guess, if he cares a lot about what people might think -- it's maybe not such a great idea. If you care deeply about what people think, it may be a good idea not to do this, even if you never tell anyone. Because YOU'LL know. You'll think of yourself as carrying around a shameful secret. It's fine to think "it's nobody's business." It's not so fine to think "I need to hide my shame." So if you're going to do this, make sure you feel the former way, not the latter.